I’m confused; did we like win the war now? In the beginning we had this “Shock and Awe” and we were like, “Wow, this is going to be over quick!” but then resistance seemed higher than expected and we thought, “Man, I guess this will take months.” and then like a week later we’re in Saddam’s palace rifling through his DVD’s. Oh, and see that crater full of rubble? We think that’s him and his sons, Uday and Umbassday.
And now we think we found chemical weapons like we always said he had. We should make the French eat them. Also, Iraqis are cheering us on. I heard this touching story of how a six-year-old Iraqi girl handed an American soldier a card written on it, “Me love America. Protestors are dumb f__ks. I want stab them.” So, in the end, America is right about everything and stupid hippies are wrong about everything and smelly. This was like the best war ever; if there were Academy Awards for war, we’d like totally sweep them. Largest Explosions, Best Avoidance of Civilian Casualties, Best Costume Design, Best Rifle Accuracy, Best Special Effect, Best Use of Airstrikes in a Supporting Role – those would all be ours.
What I hope most people take out of this war, though, is the fact that if you piss off America, it doesn’t matter if the French are on your side or if hippies smell bad and wave signs, we will kill your ass. And we will steal your DVD’s.