I’d like to thank Geoffrey Allen of Dog Snot Diaries for telling me where I could make a poll.
Who likes debating homosexuality? Not me, but the Emperor brought up gays in the military with debate ensuing, and Bill Quick thinks Sen. Santorum is a nutbag for what he said about homosexuality. I met Sen. Santorum (I was at his victory party when we were watching the results for the 2000 presidential election not happen), and he didn’t seem nutty. Then again, what do I know? People think I should have a monkey head.
Glenn Reynolds points out how Day by Day and Scrappleface were mentioned in an article about war humor. Congratulations, Day by Day, and damn you, Scrappleface. But why wasn’t I mentioned? Probably Glenn Reynolds doing. Damn you, you evil puppy blender.
I don’t usually link to stuff like this, but man are these some hot photos of Jennifer Aniston.

Okay, people. I don’t think you’re taking this vote seriously. This is supposed to be a picture to represent your beloved Frank J., and so far the leader in votes is Agent Monkey-for-a-Head. Rather than a picture of me, people want a monkey; what a hit to my self-esteem. Makes me want to make sucidally-depressed Frank the official picture. The first four, which were meant to be the non-joke pictures, currently have a total of 14 votes out of 248, with picture number one (smirking Frank) in the lead of those four with 6 votes. I voted for number three, and so far only one other person agreed with me. Anyway, after monkey face, matrix Frank and homicidal rage Frank are in a close battle for second. Maybe I’ll have a runoff vote…
I knew putting up donation buttons would change my whole view of this webpage. Now I look on all you non-donators as vile moochers of my genius. Well, maybe instead I can offer something extra to people who donate, like an exclusive In My World post only for donors. Right now all they get is a thank you note with my actual name (Ooh… mysterious! And mildly hard to figure out.)
Or maybe I can sell my integrity, like Bill Clinton selling Whitehouse access for donations. Links of the day will be up for sale to whomever pays me. Considering how much they give me is how good the link will be (I think I have a good understanding now of how to generate traffic for others 😉 For non-bloggers, donors can be put in an In My World post. Small donations and you’re just the name of one of the random reporters. Larger donations can have you killed by Rumsfeld, and with even larger donations you can be the next victim of the Rumsfeld Strangler™. For a huge donation, you can be Condoleezza Rice’s love interest in an epic In My World where you team up with Rumsfeld to fight Cyber-Lenin and his legion of hippies.
The other idea is extortion. I could write the funniest In My World ever – one with the angriest, reporter-killingest Rumsfeld yet – and then I’ll threaten to use PGP wipe on it to destroy it forever unless a certain amount of money is placed in my paypal account by a specified date. I would also drink vodka until it was erased from my own memory. Actually, I’ll probably drink the vodka whether I got the money or not.
Maybe best ways to trick people into giving me money can be the next vote.
In my opinion, the best t-shirt suggestion so far is one for a “Nuke the Moon” themed t-shirt. The only problem is how do I condense the intense philosophical implications of that essay into something that can fit on a t-shirt. Any ideas would be appreciated.
Also, apparently I confused people by posting two things at once in the morning. I had a normal humor post today – pure gold as usual – and it’s absolutely free… for now.
Rumsfeld tomorrow.

Now you get to choose what will be the official photo of me, the beloved Frank J., to go on my About Me page. All shots were taken with a digital camera held at arms length… unless they obviously weren’t. And I just now noticed that my left eye tends to be slightly more closed than the right; what’s up with that?
Anyhoo, here are the choices:
Photo #1: Here I am as normal, with a slight smirk. Yeah, I know I’m better than you.
Photo #2: Here I am more serious looking. Yes, I’m a humorous guy, but you’ll never know how deep and philosophical my thoughts are.
Photo #3: Here I am smiling. I’m a happy, funny guy. Everyone loves Frank.
Photo #4: Here I am staring into the unknown, my thoughts distant and mysterious. Or maybe my ADD kicked in while I was taking that shot.
Photo #5: I was thinking my readers might want a picture that has more character, so here is suicidally depressed Frank. “Everyone just laughs at me!” Whoops! Looks like some forgot to take his pills.
Photo #6: Now the pills have kicked in. Here’s psycho happy Frank!
Photo #7: Here’s paranoid Frank. Why would people want a picture of me? For what purpose?
Photo #8: And here I am with homicidal rage like my hero, Donald Rumsfeld.
Photo #9: And here is what The Matrix would look like if I starred in it. Don’t I look dangerous with those silenced Skorpions (or “Klobbs” for aficionados of the N64 game Goldeneye)?
Photo #10: And here is what The Matrix would look like if Agent Smith had the head of a monkey… but now I think we’ve strayed off topic.
Carefully make your selection. You only get to vote once, and no revotes if you accidentally vote for Buchanan. Polling will be open for the rest of the week, or until I arbitrarily decide to end it. Poll results can also be ignored if I don’t like them. You see, it’s like a democracy, but better, because I get the final say.
Poll has closed. See results here.

So now the question is what kind of government should we, the benevolent U.S., establish in Iraq. Before they had a dictator, which made them a dictocracy. Most people want to now establish a democracy, but that doesn’t just magically make a good government like some people think. What if the people voting are all jackasses and they elect crack mayors like in D.C.? So here are some other government suggestions.
Republic: This is where Republicans rule the government. This is the one we have and the best of the imperfect governments.
Monarchy: A monarchy is a government ruled by a monarch. According to my dictionary, a monarch is a type of butterfly. This government probably occurs in Europe where people are pansies and might be scared of butterflies. Come on; it’s just a butterfly! Bloody coup!
Anarchy: This is where you loot things and smash windows. It’s a lot of fun until finally you’re like, “Hey, there are no more windows left to smash! Isn’t someone going to fix the windows?” and someone else says, “No, dude, this is an anarchy.” So then another government has to be set up so the windows can be fixed. Thus anarchy can only last in spurts.
Feudal System: This is a system that involves a lot of arguments, or “Feuding”. I think it’s stupid, but others may violently disagree, and then we’d have a feudal system.
Autocracy: This is a government ruled by intelligent automobiles. It is the current government of Japan.
Plutocracy: This is a government ruled by Mickey Mouse’s dog, Pluto, who is tough but fair. Contrary to popular belief, it has nothing to do with the planet Pluto, which I tell you is one day going to collide into Neptune. Yeah, the scientist say that ain’t gonna happen, but I don’t believe them. For God’s sake, stay off of Pluto!
Ninjatocracy: This is a government that involves a lot of flipping around and cutting people’s heads off. It’s totally sweet.
Smurfaucracy: This is a form a government where one Iraqi would be the leader and named “Papa Iraqi” and everyone else would get names based on their personalities, like “Brainy Iraqi”, “Brawny Iraqi”, “Greedy Iraqi”, and “Perverted Iraqi.” One woman would be named “Iraqette.” I’m not sure what would happen to the other women. Also, Iraq and Iraqi would become a universal words that could mean anything – adjective, verb, or noun – just like the f-word but not vulgar. Plus, I think everyone would have to live in mushroom houses. In the one instance this government was practiced, everyone looked happy, but you could sense a deep sadness behind their eyes that told you that everything was not quite so Iraqi.
Popadopalocracy: This is a form of a government that… okay I made this one up.
Chiracracy: Rule comes from a cowardly weasel. Popular in Old Europe.
Benevolent Dictator: This is the theoretical perfect form of government, where one all-knowing and all-caring individual would rule the country– so this is like if I ruled Iraq. But I have a fulltime job and this blog to keep up, so rule your own damn country.