Man Bites Dog, Really

Man bites dog to rescue puppy.
And here, I didn’t even realize Professor Reynolds was Chinese.

Slander: Obama Bad

Obama thinks that people with cancer are funny.

There’s still a good chance that Barack Hussein Hilter Pol Pot Obama is going to be the Democrats’ nominee, but I feel like I just don’t know enough to ridicule him for the months ahead. He had the one slip up where he inflated a death toll by a couple orders of magnitude, but that hardly enough to peg him with for a whole campaign season. I guess this is the advantage of being an empty suit: It’s really hard to ridicule someone for just for being an empty suit. I can name more things wrong about the Republican front runners than I can with him.
So, time to make things up.
BAD THINGS ‘BOUT OBAMA
* Any time you get Obama talking about any subject, he starts bringing up facts about serial killers. That guy just won’t stop talking about how impressive serial killers are.
* If he can’t become president, Obama would like to be a telemarketer.
* Obama thinks the minimum age for snorting coke off strippers should be five.
* You don’t want to hear what Obama said about your mom. It was true, but he didn’t have to say it.
* Obama owns over twenty cats and his home smells weird.
* Obama plans to vote for Hillary Clinton.

Glenn Reynolds: The Interview

(A Filthy Lie)
Since Instapundit recently celebrated his 5th blogiversay, I thought it would be a good time to conduct an interview with Glenn Reynolds, so as to separate man from myth with this legendary blogger.
Unfortunately, Glenn had neither the time nor the inclination to answer my questions, so I put a pair of glasses on a teddy bear, sat him on a blankie, queried him at length, and used one of the many voices in my head to supply the answers.
glenn bear.jpg
Figured it wouldn’t be TOO different from the real thing.


HARVEY: Thanks for agreeing to do this. First, I can’t help noticing that you use the word “heh” a lot. Now, as the Dark Overlord of the Blogosphere, wouldn’t it be better to have a more sinister laugh, like “MUAHAHAHAHAHA!” or something? I mean, “heh” just seems kind of effeminate.
GLENN: Not true. Some of the evilest people in the world use “heh”. For example, terrorists frequently say “Allah Akbar!” before blowing up school buses full of kids, which actually means “heh” in whatever monkey-jabber language it is they speak.
HARVEY: Why is your blog named “Instapundit”?
GLENN: Simple linguistics – “insta” means “really fast”, “pun” is something that’s funny in a pathetic sort of way, and “dit” is the spoken representation of the dot – the shorter of the two signals used in telegraph code. So – short, fast, funny, pathetic… all words women have used to describe my performance. I just sort of combined them.
HARVEY: What blogs do you read regularly?
GLENN: Including Instapundit?
HARVEY: Yes.
GLENN: Just Ann Althouse.
HARVEY: You DON’T read Instapundit?
GLENN: READ it? I don’t even proofread it! That blog is just the result of Thunderbird-addled baboons poking randomly at keyboards & hitting the “I’m Feeling Lucky” button on Google. Then I have a mildly retarded parrot add a link to whatever pops up.
HARVEY: So it’s a lot like a Kos “Open Thread” post?
GLENN: Yes, but with slightly less frothing Bush-hatred, and better spelling.
HARVEY: What made you decide to go to law school?
GLENN: Daily beatings from my parents.
HARVEY: You were a victim of child abuse?
GLENN: Victim? NO!… the beatings were a reward. I like that sort of thing. Doesn’t everybody?
HARVEY: So… when you punched Frank J. that one time…
GLENN: Right. I was telling him to keep up the great blogging work. The boy’s got talent. Unlike YOU, who I wouldn’t even poke in the eye with a sharp stick.
HARVEY: Are you planning a sequel to your runaway best-seller “An Army of Davids”?
GLENN: Yes, this September, I’ll be releasing “An Army of Destructo-bots: How Killer Robots Empower Ordinary Evil Overlords to Beat Any Rag-Tag Army of Misfits Those Pathetic Davids Can Raise”. By the way, if you haven’t already, you should buy my book. I need money. Those Destructo-bots aren’t going to build themselves.
HARVEY: Why should people help you to enslave the human race?
GLENN: If you buy “An Army of Davids”, you get a free coupon for a swift and merciful death. Everyone else has to listen to a Glenn & Helen Podcast as the Destructo-bot slowly crushes the life out of their bodies. MUAHAHA… I mean… heh.
HARVEY: Ok… well… that wraps up this interview. I’m gonna go run out and buy me a copy of that “Armada of Duckies” thing so that your shrieky, pteradactyl-like voice isn’t the last sound I hear. Thank you for your time, Mr. Reynolds, and keep up the great blogging work.
GLENN: Thanks… um… aren’t you going to punch me now?
HARVEY: Sorry. I’m saving it for Frank J…. besides, I wouldn’t hit a bear with glasses.


So… would YOU have punched the bear?

More Instapundit – Less Glenn Reynolds?

(A Filthy LIe)
After returning from his recent vacation, Glenn Reynolds said:

I think the blog actually improves when I go away!

Is that really true? Let’s think about it…


BETTER WITHOUT GLENN
* Fewer creepy pictures of Glenn showing off his flexibility by licking his own toes.
* Less Ann Althouse material when she’s actually guest-blogging.
* No drunken boasting about how he “taught Johnny Cochran his mad rhyming skillz”
* Don’t have to see that Michael-Moore-lookin’ Porkbusters pig.
* No tiresome WKC vs. AKC smoothies debates.
BETTER WITH GLENN
* If Glenn doesn’t leave, we don’t have to suffer through that obviously-bought-off-a-website “What I Did On My Vacation” essay when he returns.
* Always have a handy reference if you’re not sure how to spell “heh”.
* Or “update”.
* All you have to do to get an Instalanche is give “Army of Davids” a positive review – and sign your e-mail with your Communist Party membership number.
* When Glenn leaves town, the “Page 3 Girl” pic doesn’t always get updated.


Well, it’s a close call, but I’ll say better WITH Glenn.
By the way, Army of Davids is a great book.
82634896

Instapundit Kills Five

(A Filthy Lie)
Wait… that post title should read “Instapundit Turns Five”, since his 5th blogiversary is coming August 8th.
Oh well. No time for the backspace key. Besides, I’m sure the original title will be accurate eventually.
Meanwhile, I figured I should get the guy a thoughtful gift, so as to curry his favor, allowing me to betray him after he accepts me into his confidence. Knowing how busy Glenn is what with his blogging, podcasting, book-pimping, hobo-murdering, etc., I thought I’d get him “Executive Decision-Making Dice“.
Since the traditional gift for a fifth anniversary is wood, and I figure Glenn’s too busy to throw TWO dice, I’m going to hand-make him a wooden 12-sider. It’s a work in progress, but here’s what I’ve got so far:
(click to enlarge)

If you have any suggestions for the other six sides, let me know.

Brewmeister Glenn

(A Filthy Lie)
I was browsing Instapundit and noticed that he recently took a trip to a brewery.
Odd… Glenn’s into energy drinks, not alcohol
Then I remembered how popular the Red Bull & Vodka mix is, and it occurred to me that Glenn might be arranging with the Downtown Grill & Brewery to start making some sort of puppy shake & beer hybrid.
Sure enough, I was right. Notice the label on that bottle near the bottom of the picture (circled in red):
(click to enlarge)

Here’s a close-up:
(click to enlarge)

If you’re out drinking in Knoxville, be sure to enunciate when you order your beer.

Glenn Reynolds – Legal Geniousness

(A Filthy Lie)
You may not know this, but before blackmailing his way into a tenured position as a law professor at the University of Tennessee, Glenn Reynolds was head of his own law firm (Reynolds, Duzzy, Cheatham and Howe). Some accomplishments of note during those years include:


  • Modified a GPS device to home in on ambulance sirens.
  • Pioneered the “I’m not wearing a tie at all!” defense, later made famous by Lionel Hutz.
  • Pioneered the rhyming defense (later made famous by Johnny Cochran) for the Rodney King beating case: “Because they’re white, what they did was all right”.
  • Discovered flaws in Einstein’s Theory of Relativity, thus making the 48-billable-hours day possible.
  • Whipped up puppy smoothies during trials so as to make his clients appear comparatively less heinous.
  • Installed irritating extra-buzzy flourescent lights at the office. Giggled as the number of workplace shooting incidents skyrocketed.
  • Got the Scopes monkey acquitted on appeal.
  • Successfully sued himself for sexual harrassment based on several incidents of staring, pointing, and laughing at his wang in the restroom.
  • Took malfunctioning office fax machine out into a field and smashed it with a baseball bat as seen in Michael Moore’s documentary “Office Space 9/11”.
  • Improved collection rates on overdue Accounts Receivable by feeding deadbeat clients to carnivorous office plants.
  • Improved courtroom win-loss record by doing the same with prosecuting attorneys.
  • Stopped filing “frivolous” lawsuits. Started filing “Super Happy Lucky Fun” lawsuits.
  • Saved thousands of dollars in contempt-of-court fines by installing covert “witness teleprompters” in his eyeglasses.
  • Cut jury-tampering expenses by 91.6% by switching to judge-tampering.
  • Won a hefty alimony settlement for Michael Jackson’s old nose when it divorced his face.
  • Linked to every legal brief ever filed by Ann Althouse.
  • Cleared President Bush of slander charges by proving that New York Times reporter Adam Clymer really WAS a major-league a**hole.

Rumor has it that he’ll be back in the courtroom soon defending John Bolton’s moustache for beating the crap out of Kofi Annan, but that’s just sheer speculation at this point.

The Insta-Mailbag

(A Filthy Lie)
Like Michelle Malkin, Glenn Reynolds gets his fair share of venomous missives from unbalanced readers.
Unlike Michelle Malkin, surprisingly few of them are crude slurs about being a woman or a minority. Most of it is revolves around a perceived dearth of Instalanching, like this typical example:
Why won’t you link me??? Why don’t you answer my e-mails??? After all the cool links I’ve sent you, you OWE ME!!! I HATE YOU!!! You’re a stink-butt poopy-head, that’s what you are!!!
Your #1 Fan,
Frank J.
PS You can make it up to me by linking this cool post I did on the Semite menace.

Aside from the “where’s my link?” theme, however, the rest of his mail tends to fall into one of the several categories listed below:


  • Korean restaurants complaining that the last meat shipment tasted more like Labradoodle than Shih Tzu, despite what the shipping manifest said.
  • Cease & Desist orders from the Precious Moments people regarding his line of “Satanic Moments” figurines – especially that “Hobo, Bloody Hobo“, which is particularly nastly.
  • PeTA (People Eating Tasty Animals) berating Glenn for drinking animals, which is just sick and inhumane.
  • Long, obscenity-laced screeds from angry mothers who bought Glenn’s adult movie “Tramp of the Penguins” by mistake.
  • The American Nudist Association trying to talk Glenn into joining their “Best of Blogging” organization: “Sleeping Naked Media”.
  • Rejection letters from Fox saying they’re STILL not interested in producing his show “So You Think You Can Robot Dance“.
  • University of Tennessee frat boys sending death threats for selling them fake Spanish Fly. Usually containing the line “You said these were spurious. They didn’t spur her on at all!”.
  • E-mails addressed to “Professor Reynolds” wanting to know if he ever nailed Ginger while he was stuck on that island.
  • Or Gilligan.

Of course, the most common category is requests for tips on how to punch Frank J.
Usually from Laurence Simon.

$10 Million Insta-Dollars

(A Filthy Lie)
In a recent Instapundit post, Glenn Reynolds mused thusly:

THE GLENN AND HELEN SHOW has been downloaded over 10 million times now. If we got just a dollar per download….

Which made me wonder… why would Glenn need $10 million?
I think the answer is fairly obvious… (see extended entry)

Continue reading ‘$10 Million Insta-Dollars’ »

The Trouble With Armadillos

(A Filthy Lie)
Recently at Instapundit, Glenn Reynolds opined:

Personally, I’ve always blamed the armadillo. Nasty creatures, armadillos. They carry leprosy, you know.

Seems like he’s over-reacting a bit, doesn’t it? Like he’s got some sort of personal grudge against armadillos?
I wonder if this has anything to do with… (see extended entry)

Continue reading ‘The Trouble With Armadillos’ »

Evil Glenn Says, “Happy Satan Day, Everybody!”

(A Filthy Lie)
On Tuesday, June 6th of this year, the date will be 6-6-6, which means nothing to atheists like myself, but for Christians it has some evil, Satanic connotations.
And since Evil Glenn is Satan’s #1 fan, ya gotta figure he’s got some kind of celebratory activities planned.
My guesses:


  • Undo his comb-over so that the 666 tattoo on his scalp is clearly visible.
  • Invite Michelle Malkin over for minced-kitten brownies & puppy shakes.
  • Make up a Rocky-Horror-style script of things to yell at the screen while watching “The Omen“.
  • Yes, that will include some made-up songs where he robot-dances in a black teddy & stockings.
  • Hold a hobo-murderthon to raise money for Soldier’s Angels. Recommended donation – a buck a bum.
  • Launch doomsday missile while shrieking insane laughter.
  • Direct the remake of Serenity with a politically correct script.
    MAL: “I aim to misbehave.”
    ZOE: “But Mal! You might hurt someone’s feelings!”
    MAL: “Didn’t think about that. I better put myself in time-out until I calm down a mite.
  • Go to a local park and blow up 62 hobos with illegal fireworks. If caught, claim that it was a celebration of the 62nd anniversary of D-Day.
  • Sign up for classes to get his doctorate in Mad Science.
  • Set off Cthulhu‘s alarm clock so that he’ll be dead but awake.
  • THAT’LL show that stupid, lazy elder-God.
  • On-line Ouija board marathon!.
  • Smugly admit to Frank J. that HE’S the one who’s been re-programming his fruit-picking robots to turn on their human masters.
  • Pilfer the demon currently possessing Helen Thomas for his own personal use.
  • Just give up and let the voices in his head take over.

And through it all, you can bet there’ll be only one song playing on his iPod… over and over and over…

Instapundit’s Work Clothes

(A Filthy Lie)
You may have noticed that – from time to time – John Hawkins of Right Wing News will re-post an entry from IMAO in its entirety.
Which is fine with us.
It’s not that we condone plagiarism (we’re NOT the New York Times), but it’s because of the sweet kickbacks he gives us. Usually scotch & hookers.
Except for Frank, who gets paid with sacks of monkey skulls, which he uses to decorate the altar of his Zatoichi shrine.
However, I recently got an e-mail from John, saying that he’d maxed out his tab at Leroy’s House O’ Ho’s, and asked if we’d take an interview with Glenn Reynolds as payment, instead. John’s a good guy, so I said “yes”. I’m just hoping Frank will be too busy working on his In My World book to notice the absence of simian craniums in the mail this week.
Anyway, here’s the interview:


JOHN: I see that you’ve recently taken a stand in favor of professorial nudity. Is that how you normally dress for work yourself?
GLENN: HEAVENS no! Exposing hairy man-boobs is ALWAYS a bad idea, which explains the pathetic sales of Michael Moore’s documentary “Bowling for Fat Guys in Speedos”. However, I will confess that – in the pursuit of pedagogical goals – I have been known to don a costume on occasion.
JOHN: So you’re saying that you dressed as a Catholic priest?
GLENN: I said “pedagogical“! Try using a dictionary for something besides propping up the short leg of the sofa.
JOHN: Actually, that’s what I use “An Army of Davids” for. Anyway, I want to hear more about these costumes of yours.
GLENN: Well, it all started when I was re-evaluating a data study from the Center for Applied Psychological Hermeneutics, which discovered that between 56% and 58% of over 16,000 freshman students at three state universities were…
JOHN: …probably as bored as I am. Can we get to the costumes?
GLENN: You have the attention span of a caffeinated ferret.
JOHN: Still bored, here.
GLENN: Fine. There was this costume:

that I wore for a class called “Civil Suit Alchemy – Turning Pain Into Gold”. Students were told to find grounds to sue Superman.
JOHN: Impossible! He’s the ultimate Boy Scout! He won’t even fly across the street against a red light!
GLENN: True, but with a good expert witness, you can convince a jury that his X-ray vision gave your client cancer.
JOHN: You have no conscience.
GLENN: Lawyer.
JOHN: Touché. So what else have you worn?
GLENN: Same class, next day:
glenn elf.jpg
JOHN: So you want to sue elves for making defective Christmas toys?
GLENN: Ya know, a lot of first-year law students make that same mistake. But when you sue, you should always go for the target with the deepest pockets. Thus the title of the lecture: “When In Doubt, Sue Santa”.
JOHN: How do you sleep at night?
GLENN: On a mattress stuffed with contingency fees.
JOHN: Any other costumes?
GLENN: Well, I often wear this one when I discuss Marbury v. Madison during my lecture on the Federal separation of powers:

JOHN: What do penguins have to do with…
GLENN: WHOOPS! How’d THAT one get in there!… Hey! Look at the time. I gotta go!
JOHN: Well, thanks for taking the time to share the cobwebby inner darkness of your soul with us, Glenn.
Join me next week when the Travelocity gnome explains why he’d rather fly a lawn chair into a set of stadium lights than ride with a Kennedy.

NSA Monitors Instapundit

(A Filthy Lie)
Since I firmly believe in watching the watchers, I’ve bugged the NSA office and overheard the following conversation between agents Jack Boot and Eve Drop regarding their efforts to analyze phone records from the major telecom companies:


JACK: This is ridiculous! I can’t believe they actually expect us to sort through ten billion phone records! How are we supposed to find any patterns in this mess?
EVE: Unwad your panties, Jack, it’s SIMPLE. All ya gotta do is just twist the data to fit your agenda and you can prove that ANYONE is evil.
JACK: Sorta like how the Democratic Underground trolls keep “proving” that Bush is Hitler?
EVE: Exactly… Here, let me pick a name at random and show you how it’s done… AH! This Glenn Reynolds fellow will do…
JACK: Instapundit? But he’s a right-wing warmonger! He doesn’t fit the profile!
EVE: Look, strip-club-visiting muslims don’t fit the profile either – except for the 9/11 hijackers! Ya gotta be willing to follow the evidence wherever it leads, even if you have to drag it kicking & screaming to get it there. Now, let’s look at his phone records.
JACK: Here’s a call to a “Mrs. Reynolds” in another city. Probably his mother.
EVE: AHA! Obviously calling to tell her goodbye before his terrorist suicide mission!
JACK: It was on Mother’s Day. EVERYONE called their mother on Mother’s Day… except NSA agents who had their mothers killed [gives Eve an accusatory glance]
EVE: She knew too much!… Anyway, that Reynolds is a crafty devil, timing his call like that so that we wouldn’t be suspicious! Which is the most suspicious thing you can do.
JACK: Not as suspicious at THIS group of calls… must be a hundred of ’em to someone named HP. Who the heck is HP?
EVE: GOTTA be Hezbollah of Palestine! No other organization has those initials!
JACK: What about Hamas of Palestine?
EVE: That cagey BASTARD! Trying to throw us a curve with a dual-use acronym!
JACK: Either way, he’s got terrorist connections. Now all we have to do is figure out where he plans to strike & how.
EVE: Hmmm… a call to Black & Decker… coffee maker division…
JACK: Of COURSE! He’s going to use the timer from the coffee maker as a bomb trigger! It’s the ONLY explanation! EVERYONE knows that obscenely rich best-selling authors normally only drink Starbucks coffee that’s been hand-delivered by illegal Mexicans!
EVE: You mean Canadians – there are some jobs that are so demeaning that even Mexicans won’t do them.
BOB McKENZIE: Here’s yer coffee, eh? That’ll be, like, 5 beers?
EVE: Here’s a six-pack and a toque. Keep the change.
BOB McKENZIE: Beauty! I’m gonna take off, eh?
EVE: Yeah, get outta here, freak…Anyway, Jack, we know HOW he’ll strike, but that information is useless unless we know the target
JACK: Wait… I see a pattern here… he’s called the Memphis Canine Rescue Shelter every day for the last… well… since the telephone was invented.
EVE: That MONSTER! Targeting innocent puppies! What sort of deranged freak would want to explode puppies into a thick – almost drinkable – liquid?
JACK: Who cares? All that matters is that we now have undeniable proof of his insidious plot! The evidence is rock solid! This one’s a slam…
[phone rings]
EVE: NSA Civilian Entrapment Project. Eve Drop speaking… uh huh… uh huh… oh… oh, I see… thank you…
[hangs up]
JACK: …DUNK! He’s going down like a Kennedy driving an Oldsmobile into a lake!
EVE: Bad news. That was the Director. Seems that this phone number database we’ve been using is phony. BellSouth, AT&T, Verizon… they ALL deny giving us any information. Seems that only telecom that provided us with anything was Bell Alliance. We’ve been had.
JACK: DAMN! Now Reynolds is going to get away scott free! Just like a Kennedy driving an Oldsmobile into a lake!
EVE: Calm down, Jack… sooner or later, he’ll make another mistake. We’ll nail him eventually…
JACK: So… wanna hack into John Murtha‘s credit record and put in some unpaid escort service bills?
EVE: Jack, I love the way you think…


Looks like the Puppy Blender has once again eluded the long arm of the law… but the Alliance will be watching you, Reynolds.
…always watching…

The New InstaPodcast – Don’t Bother

(A Filthy Lie)
All he does is spend 90 minutes pimping his new book:
(click to enlarge)

On the other hand, I kinda like his new intro music, which is a dozen bars of “How Much Is That Doggie In the Window?” that’s cut short by the sound of a blender on “liquefy”.

InstaBunny – A Love Story

(A Filthy Lie)
Five years ago, at a Las Vegas Furry Convention, Glenn Reynolds met the love of his life, Bonita Bunny:
(click to enlarge)

Today they live in Memphis with their three children:
(click to enlarge)

You may have noticed that Glenn lets his kids guest-post from time to time.
[top pic courtesy of Cadet Happy]