Today I am 35, thus I am finally constitutionally eligible for the presidency of the United States. Thus is Biden were to resign and Obama were to appoint me vice president and then he resigned, I could be president like today. As long as they were quick with the paper work. And I could get a flight to D.C.

But I don’t think Obama is going to do that, because frankly he doesn’t care about this country. If he did, I would already gotten a call from him where he was like, “I have no idea what I’m doing! I just traded five Taliban for some deserter and everyone is yelling at me and I don’t know why because I’m stupid and out of touch!”

And I’d be like, “Shut up. Quit whining. I hate whining.”

And Obama would be like, “Wow. You’re always direct. That’s why you should be president. Do you want to be president? Biden can’t take over because he got lost in his walk-in closet again.”

And I’d be like. “Yeah maybe. What’s it pay?”

And if it paid enough, I would be president. Then I’d give a speech. “Stop whining.” That would be the whole speech, and the only speech I’d ever give. And then I’d put a sign on the White House front door saying “Solve your own damn problems” and you wouldn’t hear or see from me again. Except maybe if I had to step out to get something from the grocery store. But if people came to me whining about their problems, I would punch people in the face. Eventually, people would learn not to bother me. Especially reporters.

I guess sometimes I would do stuff. Like I heard how the IRS was targeting conservatives, so I’d fire and deport everyone in the IRS pending an investigation. Not that’s I’d ever get to an investigation. I just don’t trust those people at the IRS; who would take a job with them? Even if you were really desperate for a job?

“Oh. We found one job opening; you’d be working for Satan in hell.”

“No thanks. I’ll keep looking.”

Mainly I wouldn’t do stuff, though. You would leave me alone, and I’d leave you alone. It would be perfect.

Anyway, I’m 35 today. I can be president now. And if that happened, we would have years of peace and prosperity and whiny people getting punched in the face.

I want to know that if you elect me president in 2016, I will barely use the power of government because I fear what that is. At the the heart of every single law is a threat: I will send people with guns after you if you don’t do that. It doesn’t matter how minor the law is, the threat is there. Such as in New York City, if you sell a 17 oz soda and refuse to stop, eventually people with guns will come after you. Over soda. So obviously the people who wield the power of government haphazardly are psychopaths who should be locked up. Also, anyone who claims to be a peaceful person but is for government expansion is in fact a very violent person who loves using the threat of force to get what he wants and will use it in even minor instances. In fact, I could repeatedly punch that person in the face and be less violent. And I probably will do that.

But I am not a violent person, so I won’t use the government to force people to do anything and will dismantle as much of it as I can.

Frank J. 2016: I will obliterate the government because I am not violent.

We need to really start thinking how we’re going to fix everything after Obama, so I once again am reminding you that I will be Constitutionally eligible to be president in 2016 (I will not release my birth certificate to prove this, though, as I don’t want it to be public knowledge that I was born in the People’s Republic of California).

So how am I going to turn things around? Here’s how: I’m not going to help you. It’s not the government’s job and certainly not mine as president. So I want to return to the idea that this is a free country — and part of liberty is that you are responsible for yourself. And to help with that, I want to bring back starving to death.

It’s hard to starve to death in this country. No matter how lazy you are, we will keep giving you food. No more. There will now finally be a cutoff. At some point if you continue to be lazy and a failure, we will no longer feed you. We will instead just watch you starve.

This is the only way to help a lot of people in this country: By not helping them. Starvation and its avoidance are great motivators to get people working and innovating, but we have removed starvation from much of America. If people think they can continue to subsist with no effort, then they will continue to give no effort. But I am going to insist on a least a little effort, or you die.

So next time people come for foodstamps, I will give the more compassionate thing: Nothing. Why? Because I believe in you. You’ll find a way not to starve. And if you don’t, as a representative of the federal government, I don’t care.

Frank J. 2016: Bringing back a government that doesn’t care.

So if you were in suspense of exactly how we were going to avoid both the fiscal cliff and doing anything productive about the deficit, it’s all over… at least until March. Despite all the arguing, there wasn’t actually a bill out there that made us magically able to afford all the government we have now; I just don’t get all this conflict when it’s all over to what degree do we not take the problems of our bloated government seriously. Plus, it’s obvious Obama didn’t even care anything about the deficit and just wanted taxes raised on the “rich” to placate his dummy supporters. Man, is that guy absolutely useless. In the future, we’ll look on people who voted to reelect Obama in the same way we today look at blatant racists from the 60s — that’s just stupidity to the point it’s a moral failing.

So what now? It’s obvious nothing much good is going to happen in the next four years, so we will just bide our time and plot our revenge — that being a a truly fair budget plan. A plan in which the federal government’s budget is actually balanced and all of Congress responsible for the deficit and Obama will be imprisoned for treason and have all their assets confiscated. That will be my vow as president when elected in 2016.

Frank J. 2016: REVENGE!!!!

So “Plan B” didn’t work out, but I’m just having trouble getting pulled into the drama over the debate of exactly how much the government is going to fail to address the problem of the deficit. I remember a few days ago Obama saying he was meeting the Republicans half-way on spending, but the Republicans aren’t even a quarter of the way towards doing anything useful about the deficit. The debate is all in the margins of uselessness, so who cares.

Now, realistically, we should be throwing all these politicians in prison for treason for how they’ve treated our money. This is willing negligence that has weakened our nation, plus they keep acting like our money is there’s to do with as they please. And if we ever want them to stop, there has to be actual punishment to these politicians because they don’t really care as long as they can get reelected. So throw them in prison and confiscate all their wealth to be redistributed to the taxpayers they have hurt.

How do we do this? I don’t know the procedure for passing laws that will be harsh on Congress, because Congress is certainly not going to want to pass them. That’s why I’m running for president in 2016, as I will find a way to make Congress pay for all their crimes. I’ll use executive orders, drone strikes… whatever it takes to get get justice against our politicians. We really need the Congress to be in constant fear of its citizens; there is no safe seat where you can keep bring the voters with taxpayer money because there will be other methods to punish you than just the ballot box because your failure hurts more people than just your one moron district.

When the budget isn’t balanced, that’s treason. You go to jail. Preferably a prison colony in Antarctica.

Frank J. 2016: If the budget isn’t balanced, make sure you own a good winter coat.

When I’m elected president, I don’t plan to give a lot of speeches because the job of the president isn’t to give everyone pep talks. Really, people, you’re adults; figuring everything out on your own. Still, I’m working on one speech for if I ever here people whining about the rich and how they have too much money.

This is a rich country. We are blessed with fortune and opportunity none of us had to work for; that came from the work of others. You should be grateful for that and work hard to try and earn what you were already given, but if instead your reaction is to whine about people who have more than you, then I do have something to give you: A fist for your stupid hippie face. Do you greedy little bastards really want to only get what you deserve? Because for most of you whiners, that means you starving the death. And I’ll also get something out of that: laughter.

Short and to the point; no reason to blab for hours.

Frank J. 2016: If you whine enough, I’ll give you what you deserve.

As I’m just starting to figure out my campaign for the presidency, it may seem early to think of a running mate, but I already have one in mind: Fire.

Yes, Fire will be my VP if I’m president, and its task will be to cut down the federal government. And thus I will unleash it on Washington D.C. and have it tear down government buildings as it feels necessary. If people don’t like all the government cuts it will be making, then don’t cry to me — tell it to Fire. Maybe it will listen to your whines and complaints.

And while Fire is doing it’s work in D.C., I’ll say out of its way. Instead of the White House, I’ll just stay at a Best Western somewhere in Virginia — nothing too fancy; we’re trying to cut government spending.

Frank J. 2016: Fire walk with me.

Where does the government get the idea our income is any of its business? The government works for us, so we get to know how much money it has and everything it’s doing, but where in the world does it get off thinking it gets to know information about me? When someone asks me my income, I punch him in the face and say, “Mind your own business, loser.” That policy should be know different for the government. When elected president in 2016, I will go right to the IRS and keep punching people in the face until they get the idea to mind their own business and know their place.

Frank J. 2016: I’ll put the government in its place with my fist.

Absolutely everyone emailed and tweeted me to tell me that there is a news story about how the government plotted to nuke the moon. Thanks, absolutely everyone. It’s good that when people see things about the moon being nuked, they think of me.

The only thing is, there is nothing new in that story. This is stuff that has been reported on years ago (and as Harvey pointed out, has been commented on this site before). So I don’t know why this is a big story being linked by Drudge all of a sudden other than it was an extremely slow news and someone at the AP just stumbled across this stuff for the first time and had space to fill.

So anyway, yes, the government thought about nuking the moon in the 50s. I did know this for a long time, but not back when I wrote my Nuke the Moon essay over ten years ago. So basically this proves I’m not crazy and that I think like a military general from the 50s.

But why are we talking about the past? Let’s talk about the future of nuking the moon. While we missed out our chance to scare the Soviets with us nuking the moon, we could still scare Islamic terrorists. They seem to have an affinity for the moon since they use a crescent moon as a symbol since they think Allah lives there or something (I never really studied Islam). Thus, if we nuke the moon, we could scare them away from extremism. Also, we could scare the Chinese Communists from trying to land on the moon since they know we could nuke it at anytime. So, nuking the moon is one of the greatest plans man has ever had — if not the greatest idea.

I proposed this to Obama last year, but he just cried and told me to stop yelling at him. So, while his back was turned, I penciled in “the moon” on his secret drone kill list. I don’t think that worked, though. I was hoping for a new administration next year that would be more open to nuclear strikes against natural satellites, but no luck. Of course, if I’m elected in president in 2016, on day two I will launch a nuclear strike against the moon (day one will be spent getting used to my new office, setting up my computer, and getting automatic deposit set up for my paycheck).

For more information on nuking the moon, buy my new book and read the chapter on war. Thank you for your moon nuking interest.

I wasn’t really paying attention to the news over the last week; anything happen?

Looks like Congress is still arguing about this looming fiscal cliff thing. I’m almost starting to get the opinion on government spending that we should just encourage more and more spending. Like buy everyone a car. Because I don’t think we’ll ever get it fixed until we just collapse the whole thing and start over.

Or if I’m elected president in 2016. I wouldn’t wait any longer than that to elect me by 2016 as who knows how much time we have. I mean, just look at some of the talk on cutting spending. According to this FOX News article, Dick Durbin said that Social Security should be off the table because it is a separately-funded operation that doesn’t add to the deficit. Oh yeah, that Ponzi scheme we’re all forced into is totally working and not costing us anything. I can’t believe we put up with people blatantly lying to us while making us bankrupt. Instead of cuts, of course, Durbin wants more taxes because the big problem today is the government doesn’t have enough of our money. Well, in my administration, Dick Durbin would be tried for treason, have all his wealth confiscated and redistributed to tax payers, and then he’d be exiled to Antarctica.

Frank J. 2016: My retirement plan for Congress – hunt and eat penguins.

Taxes are a horrible idea. It’s an idea left over from when monarchs thought they owned the people and their stuff. Who knows what was going through the Founding Fathers’ heads when they allowed taxation, but it makes me want to smack the powdered wigs off them.

Of course, the government needs money. But if it’s doing useful stuff, it should be able to go door to door explaining what it’s trying to do and how much money it needs and we can decide for ourselves whether the government deserves our money. If it’s doing important stuff as it claims, I’ll open my checkbook because I’m a generous guy. If it starts to pitch some ponzi Social Security scheme to me, I will punch that government representative in the face and send him on his way.

So as president, I will work to eliminate all taxes and put it in the Constitution the government has no right to our money. If the government wants money, it needs to explain to us nicely what it wants to do and we’ll decide ourselves whether that’s an idiotic waste of cash or not.

Frank J. 2016: The government should have to beg for our money.

So I’m not really sure what I have to do to officially start my presidential campaign. I assume I’m going to have to jump through a number of hoops to eventually destroy government and its hoops. I just really want to tear the federal government apart, and I will deal with bureaucracy in the meantime if I have to. That’s how dedicated I am. And I’ll smile as I do it because I know the bureaucrats I’m dealing with will soon be kicked out of their cushy jobs and sent into the real world. And some will protest saying, “That’s unfair! Those people can’t work in actual jobs where results are expected!” But hey, it’s not like I’m driving them out into the middle of the wilderness to fend for themselves — though that is my plan for most of Congress.

Frank J. 2016: Not all bureaucrats will necessarily die.

I get that America is a popular country and people want to be here, but at the same time we can’t just have people just breaking all our laws because that disrespects us. And as president, I won’t let others see us be disrespected as the portrays weakness and will get us attacked.

Still, being compassionate, I have come up with some compromises on illegal immigration. A long while ago, I proposed obliterating Mexico, but I decided that was basically the same as amnesty (since you’d have no where to deport illegal immigrants to). In the Homeland Security chapter of my new book, I came up with a new compromise. Since actions must have consequences, someone must be deported for everyone who comes here illegally. But it doesn’t have to be the illegal immigrant. Instead, that guy can come to us and say, “Hey, I’m really sorry, but you have a great country and it was in walking distance and I couldn’t help myself. But I promise to be a good worker and an asset to this country. But here’s a useless hippie who does nothing but annoy people. Why don’t you deport him.” And then we’ll be like, “Okay. Wrestle this grizzly bear to prove your American-ness and it is done.”

So let’s look at illegal immigration as a chance to replace the most useless idiots in society that we used to be stuck with because they happened to be born here.

Frank J. 2016: Wrestle grizzly bears. Deport useless people.

As I’ve started my presidential campaign, people have wondered what are my views on war. War is a horrible and terrible thing, but it should mainly be horrible and terrible for the other guy while we get a bunch of cool missile cam videos out of it.

Now, I’m not interested in starting a bunch of wars. Frankly, I’m not interested in foreign countries at all, and as president I’d do everything I could to not have to interact with them. If some country tries to get some monarch to meet with me, I will spit on him. Leave me alone you foreign weirdos.

Sometimes, though, a country is a jerk and need to get blown up. So my policy is we’ll go in, blow it up a bunch, and leave. No nation building. They want to start a democracy after we blow them up, good for them. But whatever; I don’t really care.

Some may say that if we just blow up a country and leave, it may rise up again and threaten us some more. I have a solution for that. We go back and blow it up again. And leave. We’ll repeat as many times as necessary; eventually the country will get the idea. The thing is, our military is very good at blowing stuff up. And we can easily do it over and over with little risk to us and not that much cost to the taxpayer. It’s the staying in a country that is risky and costly. So we’re going to stop doing that.

Frank J. 2016: Blow them up. Leave.

Still working on getting my presidential campaign started. I’m not quite sure all the things that need to be done, but I got plenty of time to figure it out.

Anyway, if you want to know what my views are, there of course is my book on how to fix everything in America. I’d like to focus on one thing now from the chapter on the economy. One of the problems we have these days is democracy as become basically a bunch of people voting how to spend our money. That’s awful. It used to be if people stole your money like that, they’d at least get their hands cut off. That’s why I want to bring back some form of punishment for messing with our money like that, and I think politicians are the perfect whipping boys. We really need it in the Constitution that under certain conditions, politicians will be punished for their failures by having all their wealth confiscated and redistributed to tax payers. If they want to keep their money, don’t mess with ours. The country will be a much better place the more severely and more often politicians are punished.

Frank J. 2016: I will make politicians suffer.