Archive of posts filed under the IMAO Time Machine category.

IMAO Time Machine: Fun Facts About the 50 States: South Carolina

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This is a reposting of one of Harvey’s classics. There’s a link to the book in the sidebar. — The Editors

Welcome to Fun Facts About the 50 States, where – week by week – I’ll be taking you on a tour around this great nation of ours, providing you with interesting, yet completely useless and probably untrue, information about each of the 50 states.

This week, we’ll be voting for the late Strom Thurmond strictly out of habit as we visit South Carolina. So let’s get started…

South Carolina state flag
The state flag of South Carolina was originally a simple crescent moon on a blue background. A silver palmetto tree was later added in an attempt to shed the nickname, “The Outhouse Door State.”
  • South Carolina became the 8th state on May 23, 1788. The residents didn’t particularly WANT to share a name with North Carolina, but they had little choice after the naming-rights deal with Coca-Cola fell through.
  • At 3,560 feet tall, the highest point in South Carolina is Sassafras Mountain. No sassafras actually grows on it, it’s just a fun word to say. Especially with a big, spitty, Daffy Duck lisp: “THATHAFRATH!”
  • The state motto of South Carolina is “Aminis Opibusque Parati,” which means “any excuse to shoot a Yankee.”
  • The state tree of South Carolina is the Palmetto. Which should not be confused with any old men who carve wooden boys that magically come to life.
  • Built in 1909, Campbell’s Covered Bridge near Gowensville is the last bridge in South Carolina still covered by a protective wooden structure instead of just a layer of cigarette butts and beer cans.
  • The spotted salamander was selected as South Carolina’s official state amphibian in 1976, an unpopular decision which touched off deadly riots in the state’s frustrated and angry frog communities.
  • In 1776, the British attacked the US fort on South Carolina’s Sullivan Island. However, because the walls were made with spongy Palmetto logs, the cannonballs couldn’t break through, and just bounced like Air America payroll checks.
  • The official state dance of South Carolina is the Shag. As is the official state double-wide trailer carpeting.
  • The first battle of the Civil War took place at Fort Sumter. Historians theorize that it started as an innocent Mac vs. PC argument which spun tragically out of control.
  • Hartsville, South Carolina’s Coker Experimental Farms started in 1903 with 30 cotton plants and a goal to breed hardier specimens. Thanks to a lack of genetic variation among the seedlings, the highly inbred offshoots became the Retarded Monster Cotton Plant now used for stuffing Tickle Me Elmo dolls.
  • Before being known as “The Palmetto State,” South Carolina used to be known as the Iodine state. For those who don’t know, Iodine is brown and hurts like hell when applied to open wounds. Sorta like a Jesse Jackson press conference.
  • The Thoroughbred Racing Hall of Fame in Aiken, South Carolina celebrates the many champion race horses trained in Aiken. The secret of their success can be found in their training motto, “It’s not whether you win or lose, it’s how you’ll be shipped to the glue factory if you screw up!”
  • South Carolina’s Black River gets its dark coloring from high concentrations of organic carbon. Sorta like hippie bathwater. If hippies took baths.
  • Batesburg-Leesville, South Carolina, is home to the annual South Carolina Poultry festival and features such events as “Turkey-mounted Jousting” and the ever-popular “Stuffing Chickens Down Your Pants Contest.”
  • A Catawba Indian named King Haiglar was invaluable in helping the early settlers of Camden, South Carolina. Today, he remains honored in the form of a life-sized weather vane. This may not sound like much of an honor, but at least they didn’t put him on a dollar coin that no one uses like that loser, Saca-what’s-her-name.
  • Tyler Brothers Work Shoe and Boot Co. in Wagener, South Carolina produces 8 major brands of OSHA-approved footwear, including Redwing and Wolverine. They attribute their success to changing their name from “3-Toes BootWorks.”
  • Gaffney, South Carolina features a water tower in the shape of a giant peach. In case it ever falls over, they plan to put it in their City Hall building, which was built in the shape of a giant crust-lined pie tin.
  • The first boll weevil found in South Carolina is on display at the Pendleton District Agricultural Museum. It sits between the first mosquito to bite Strom Thurmond and a few dead flies picked off the window sill.
  • Yeah, well, whaddya expect from an Ag Museum? Da Vinci paintings?
  • Spartanburg, South Carolina’s Duncan Park is the oldest minor league baseball stadium in the world. During its 80th Anniversary season in 2006, it finally managed to break through the long-elusive double-digit attendance mark.
  • Described as “a cross between a snake and something prehistoric,” the mysterious monster that is said to inhabit South Carolina’s Lake Murray was eventually caught and discovered to be a skinny-dipping Ted Kennedy.
  • Mullins, South Carolina, features the state’s largest tobacco market. To compensate for financial losses due to anti-tobacco hysteria, the city has branched out into the lead paint, asbestos, and DDT markets as well.
  • Residents of Mount Pleasant, South Carolina, are all well versed in the 300-year-old art of Sweetgrass basket-making. Sure, this doesn’t sound like it’d look good on a resume, but it’ll get you picked over someone with a degree in Women’s Studies EVERY time.
  • Every year, flocks of Purple Martins fly back to their home on Bomb Island, South Carolina. The sight of millions of creatures mindlessly chirping and crapping all over the place is truly stunning. It’s sorta like an Occupy Wall Street protest, except without the stultifying air of smug self-righteousness.
  • The Riverbanks Zoological Park in Columbia, South Carolina is home to over 2,000 animals, none of which are in cages. They’re kept in place with guilt trips from a crack staff of professional Jewish mothers.
  • Legend has it that anyone who drinks from Catfish Creek near Marion, South Carolina will fall in love with the area and never leave. Which is polite way of saying they’re doomed to die of amoebic dysentery.
  • In 1852, William Dorn discovered the largest gold mine in South Carolina’s history near the city of McCormick. He foolishly sold the mine in 1860, and used the proceeds to launch his ill-fated chain of “Slaves ‘R’ Us” stores.
  • South Carolina was the first state to secede from the Union, on December 20th, 1860, thus fulfilling Governor Jebediah Baldwin’s promise to leave the country if a Republican was elected.
  • The 7th President of the US, Andrew Jackson, was born in Lancaster County, South Carolina. He earned his nickname “Old Hickory” when he used a hickory switch to beat the crap out of Alexander Hamilton to win the right to appear on the $20 bill.
  • The Reverend Jesse Jackson was born in Greenville, South Carolina in 1941. He’s famed for his ability to use racial guilt to shake down “too white” corporations, and is generally considered the John Gotti of the Affirmative Action Mafia’s protection money racket.
  • Oops… meant to type “famous civil rights leader”… sorry ’bout that.

That wraps up the South Carolina edition of Fun Facts About the 50 States. Next week we’ll be trampled by herds of stampeding prairie dogs as we visit South Dakota.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m gonna go practice my jousting.

[The complete e-book version of “Fun Facts About the 50 States” is now available at Amazon.com. If you don’t have a Kindle, you can download free Kindle apps for your web browser, smartphone, computer, or tablet from Amazon.com]

IMAO Time Machine: IMAO Podcast #12 8-15-05

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The 12th podcast, from 2005. — The Editors

  1. Left-Wing Superheroes (Part 1)
  2. Introduction & sponsors
  3. Left-Wing Superheroes (Part 2)
  4. “World of Knowledge” w/ host Frank J: Aquaman
  5. Harvey: Fun Facts about Idaho Part 1
  6. Spacemonkey: My Superpower
  7. Harvey: Fun Facts about Idaho Part 2
  8. Right Wing Duck: My Superpower
  9. “Ask Ducky” with guest host Spacemonkey
  10. Laurence Simon: My Superpower
  11. SarahK: She Blonded Me With Science
  12. Harvey: My Superpower
  13. Laurence Simon’s Crappy Bedtime Stories: The Tortoise and the Hare
  14. Frank J: My Superpower
  15. Buck the Marine: Batman
  16. Spacemonkey: American Monkey
  17. SarahK: My Superpower
  18. Left-Wing Superheroes (Part 3)
  19. SarahK reviews Toby Keith’s Big Throwdown Tour #2
  20. Left-Wing Superheroes (Part 4)
  21. Frank: Conclusion

Note: Due to an error in editing down my Fun Facts material, former producer Scott cut out the line that I used as a callback during my epilogue. Here it is for reference:

“Idaho law forbids children from deliberately stepping on ants. The kids don’t mind too much, however, since pistol-whipping them is still legal.”

If you are able to assist Harvey during this time, it would be greatly appreciated.

 

IMAO Time Machine: EPA Issues Injunction Against Santa Claus

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Lactose the Intolerant posted this in 2013. — The Editors

AP – (North Pole) – EPA regulators paid a visit to good ole Saint Nick early this morning to serve him an injunction ordering him to cease and desist all operations pending the outcome of their inspection and investigation into his negative environmental impact.  He is accused of polluting the atmosphere with carbon dioxide and other greenhouse gases and encouraging additional carbon dioxide pollution within the US and worldwide.  He is specifically charged with the overt and excessive distribution of coal, a notorious carbon dioxide emitter, to naughty girls and boys who would undoubtedly light up the world-destroying coal while they are naughtily playing with magnifying glasses, matches or other combustibles.  He is further charged with operating reindeer-powered vehicles that are also notorious greenhouse gas emitters, exhausting primarily methane gas which is a more powerful greenhouse gas than the more widely recognized carbon dioxide.

Michael Mann, the environmental scientist responsible for creating the hockey stick graph, has this to say regarding the actions the EPA took this morning: “This action has surely been a long time coming.  Having reviewed the data, it is abundantly clear that action needs to be taken against this brazen polluter.  He is distributing millions of tons of coal worldwide, and he is distributing it via reindeer propulsion.  Think about the length of the flight path.  He is flying to every single house in the world, undoubtedly leaving Rudolph and company idling on the rooftops while he is inside.  That is an astronomical amount of methane emissions. I’m tempted to abandon the idea of anthropogenic global warming and replace it with the idea of Santagenic global warming.  In terms of the environment, Santa is definitely at the top of my naughty list.  What will the repercussions of this injunction be?  Will this mean millions of heartbroken children Christmas morning?  Absolutely.  But we all need to sacrifice for the good of the planet. Besides, if I never got my little red wagon, neither should any of they.”  But he then had to cut his remarks short because he had to meet Leonardo Dicaprio at the airport to take his private jet to Switzerland for the next conference.

Santa was not available for comment, but an unrepentant Mrs. Claus had this to say before she was also hurried into custody: “I say fiddlesticks to the whole lot of you.  If you were stuck up here, you’d want some warming too.  It’s been ages since I’ve put on my bathing suit. We will not rest! We will not stop!  This will not end until the whole world has been transformed back into a lush, tropical paradise from pole to pole!  Viva la warming!”

IMAO Time Machine: The United Nation’s FAQ

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Right Wing Duck posted this in 2005. — The Editors

According to Michelle Malkin’s recent post, the United Nations has not been very open in telling the public how the Tsunami Funds are being used.

Normally, I agree with Michelle on a lot of things, but in this case IMAO has once again trumped a real world “journalist”

By going to the United Nations FAQ I was able to get the answers that Michelle was too lazy (probably because she works 60 hours a week) to get on her own.

THE UNITED NATIONS FAQ ON TSUNAMI RELIEF FUNDS.
United Nations FAQ

Q: Can I really get information from the UN detailing how our hard earned money was spend on those poor victims of the tsunami?

A: Of course, the United Nations is committed to ensuring complete transparency. We do not even want to give the appearance of anything inappropriate. Our books are wide open for the general public to view.

Q: That’s great. I love the UN. So, how was my donation spent?

A: None of your damn business.

Q: Pardon me?

A: Our apologies. Sometimes we spend so much time around here just keeping track of the kids we sometimes get a short temper. Hold on, on second: KOJO — YOU GET THAT MERCEDES BENZ OUT OF THE HANDICAPPED PARKING. YOU KNOW THAT’S RESERVED FOR POOR, INJURED PALESTINIANS. Thank you for your patience. What was your question?

Q: I donated a lot of money for the victims of the tsunami. How was it spent?

A.: None of your damn business.

Q:Are you sure that you’re using that money to benefit the victims.

A: Well, it depends on how you define “victim”. Besides, we’re pretty sure it’s doing some good, wherever that money is going.

Q: Are you telling me that nobody there knows what’s going on?

A: I think we have an accountant somewhere. We’ll have to ask one of the interpreters.

Q: You don’t know? Do you understand the meaning of the word HONESTY?

A: We’ll have to ask one of the interpreters.

Q: Besides the money, what else have you done in the areas ravaged by the tsunami?

A.We like it when people change the subject. We’ve done a lot of good in these areas. For example, in Thailand, with the help of the generous donations by Americans, we’ve been able to establish centers that not only help feed the poor — but helps them defend themselves against evil influences.

Q: What evil influences are those?

A: Americans.

Q: What do you mean evil? We gave you tons and tons of money.

A: That has yet to be proven! Can you show us where all of this alleged money is?

Q: Yes, we gave you craploads of money. You should have record of it in your accounting department. Ask THEM, they’ll tell you.

A. I’m sorry. That department is none of your damn business.

Thanks for visiting the UN webpage. Make sure you stop by the donation page. Every dollar makes a difference.

IMAO Time Machine: Fun Facts About the 50 States: Maryland

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This is a reposting of one of Harvey’s classics. There’s a link to the book in the sidebar. — The Editors

Welcome to Fun Facts About the 50 States, where – week by week – I’ll be taking you on a tour around this great nation of ours, providing you with interesting, yet completely useless and probably untrue, information about each of the 50 states.

This week, it’s time to take a wrong turn at the Washington Monument and accidentally wind up in Maryland, so let’s get started…

Maryland state flag
The state flag of Maryland is best described as, “a Picasso painting of a checkerboard as interpreted by Andy Warhol while very drunk and standing on one leg.”
  • Maryland became the 7th state on April 28th, 1788 after it finally agreed to stop trying to invade Delaware to steal its oil.
  • The state bird of Maryland is the Oriole, which should NOT be confused with any similarly-named, chocolate-flavored, creme-filled sandwich cookies.
  • The state flower of Maryland is the Black-Eyed Susan, or – as it’s referred to by feminists – the “Justifiable Homicide Plant.”
  • The highest point in Maryland is Backbone Mountain. It’s 3,360 feet tall, and has never been climbed by a Frenchman.
  • The state motto of Maryland is, “Yup, pretty much just a suburb of D.C.”
  • Maryland’s nickname of “The Old Line State” is somewhat of a misnomer, since most of its residents prefer to freebase their cocaine.
  • Maryland was named after Henrietta Maria, wife of King Charles I of England. They WERE going to call is “Henriettaland,” but decided that sounded too much like some kind of pussycat-puppet-related theme park.
  • The lowest point in Maryland is Bloody Point Hole, at 174 feet below sea level. It used to be deeper, but Karl Rove’s been using it a lot lately to dispose of “stifled dissenters,” if you know what I mean.
  • Presidential assassin John Wilkes Booth was born in Bel Air, Maryland in 1838. Because of his high-profile crime, all US theaters now have “Marylander detectors” at each entrance as a security precaution.
  • Famous abolitionist Frederick Douglass was born in Tuckahoe, Maryland, which – and I can’t emphasize this enough – starts with the letter “T,” so really watch that left index finger while you’re typing.
  • Another famous abolitionist – Harriet Tubman – was born in Dorchester County, Maryland and freed over 300 slaves during 20 trips between Maryland and Pennsylvania. Today, many black people honor her heroic journeys by running up and down a wooden court for an hour, symbolically helping basketballs escape slavery by throwing them through “freedom hoops.”
  • Gaithersburg, Maryland is home to the National Institute of Standards and Technology. It employs over 3,000 pimply-faced geek-boys, none of whom have yet kissed a real girl.
  • National Anthem author Francis Scott Key was born in Frederick, Maryland, where he spent his formative years blowing stuff up and writing poetry about the explosions.
  • Baseball Hall-of-Famer Babe Ruth grew up in Baltimore, Maryland, and developed his legendary slugging prowess by working as a knee-cap breaker for local loan sharks.
  • The United States Naval Academy was founded on October 10, 1845 at Annapolis, Maryland. Coincidentally, the United States Hooker Academy was founded across the street the next day.
  • The first cathedral in the U.S. was built in Baltimore, Maryland in 1821, mostly to clear the streets of the numerous drunken Irishmen passed out in the gutters.
  • Annapolis, Maryland once served as the capital of the U.S., but the Congressional building was eventually moved to Washington, D.C. to make room for the United States Hooker Academy.
  • The first dental school in the U.S. opened at the University of Maryland in 1840. The early facilities were quite primitive, and the first class taught there was a course in how to make a set of dentures out of duct tape and roofing nails.
  • The Concord Point lighthouse is the oldest continuously operated lighthouse in Maryland, because no one in the state is smart enough to figure out how to operate the light switch.
  • Maryland was originally populated by confused colonists from Virginia who wandered too far north and got stuck in snowbanks.
  • Kind of explains the light switch thing, doesn’t it?
  • The highest waterfall in Maryland is Muddy Creek Falls. At 63 feet tall, it’s actually large enough for Michael Moore to fit underneath it, unless he’s laying on his back.
  • In 1790 Maryland rounded up all the lawyers in the state and threw them into a fetid swamp near the southern border of the state, now known as Washington, D.C.
  • The first successful manned hot air balloon launch occurred in Baltimore, Maryland in 1784. The pilot – Edward Warren – reportedly described his trip as “a great way to peek down the front of women’s dresses.”
  • The state song of Maryland is “Maybe We Should’ve Killed Those Lawyers Before We Threw Them In That Swamp.”

Well, that wraps up the Maryland edition of Fun Facts About the 50 States. Next week we’ll be swerving off a bridge like a Kennedy as we visit Massachusetts.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go take a hot air balloon ride.

[The complete e-book version of “Fun Facts About the 50 States” is now available at Amazon.com. If you don’t have a Kindle, you can download free Kindle apps for your web browser, smartphone, computer, or tablet from Amazon.com]

IMAO Time Machine: Know Your Enemy – Hanukkah

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Laurence Simon posted this in 2005. Yes, we know Hanukkah started a couple of days ago. We know it’s late, but seriously, what do you expect? — The Editors

In honor of this being the first day of Hanukkah, I – the Token Jew of IMAO™ – have decided to post the FAQ that I use for when people ask me all sorts of stupid Hanukkah questions:

How is Hanukkah spelled?

Just like it’s pronounced.

Why doesn’t Hanukkah start on the same day every year?

It does. You’re just using the wrong calendar, a-hole.

What Channukkah music is there to play?

Don’t bother. Not even Apple would charge for it on iTunes.

Is (X) Jewish?

What am I, the Tel Aviv White Pages?

Why is the menorah lit at night?

Because it’s dark at night, stupid. What, you’re going to waste such nice candles to light the day? Are you Catholic or something?

Why are Hanukkah candles sold in boxes of 44?

Because Jews are good at math.

What’s the song that people sing while lighting the candles?

It’s called “Baruch Adutoy Adenoi.” It roughly translates to “Don’t burn your fingers, Dummy.”

How do you size a yamulke?

Your bald spot plus one inch.

What foods are eaten during a Hanukkah celebration?

Whatever your mother puts in front of you. Don’t complain!

Is it true that versions of Clue in Israel use a menorah instead of a candlestick?

No, but Monopoly race car token has been replaced by a sensible four-door sedan that gets good gas mileage.

Is it okay to gamble on which candle goes out first?

No. Shame on you.

Eight reindeer pull Santa’s sleigh. What pulls Hanukkah Harry’s cart?

A tow truck. I told him not to park there, but he never listens.

What if you blow out the candles before they are done?

You die.

Are you supposed to abstain from any particular activities during Hanukkah?

Don’t be such a putz.

What if the smoke alarm goes off?

Don’t buy cheap candles next time, you goniff.

In a fight between Aquaman and Hanukkah Harry, who would win?

Nobody. This is a season for peace, not fighting.

Why can’t I get Hanukah off when my friends get Christmas off?

Wait… you have Christian friends? What’s wrong with you?

I’ve seen electric menorahs. Are they okay to use?

No. People will think you’re gay.

What’s the meaning of the Hannukkah bush?

Some imbecile tried to assimilate. We kicked him out of the congregation years ago. Maybe you’ve heard of him? David Duke?

People who celebrate Kwanza also light candles. Is this related to the Hanukkah menorah?

Some black person broke into a Jew’s house, and stole the menorah. But he broke off two candles in the process. He also got the stereo and the silverware, but those were fenced before they could be incorporated into the ceremony.

What is the meaning of the four symbols on the dreidel?

Oy! Is this dreidel safe for kids? Player must examine dreidel for sharp edges before next player takes turn.

Huh? – Meaning of symbol lost in Shoah. All players weep profusely in shame.

Nu? – Player must clean the dreidel because they’re playing on such a dirty floor.

Feh! – Player determines that spinning a top is a stupid game and goes off to play some X-Box.

What goes “Oy, that burns! Oy, that burns! Oy, that burns! Oy, that burns! Oy, that burns! Oy, that burns! Oy, that burns! Oy, that burns!” ?

A blind guy on the eighth day of Hannukah.

What if you live in a neighborhood that prohibits the burning of candles in a menorah?

Burn your neighbors’ houses down instead.

Why are gifts given on every one of the eight nights of Chanukah?

It helps the economy.

If Christians have Santa Claus bring gifts, what do Jews have for Chanukkah?

The decency not to fill their kids’ heads with fairy tales and lies.

IMAO Time Machine: In My World: Wussy, Whiny Liberal Powell Asks for Mercy for America’s Enemies

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Frank J. posted this in 2003. — The Editors

Secretary of State Colin Powell has declared a few days ago that Iraq was in a “Material Breach,” seemingly indicating America’s willingness to go to war. When asked further about the issue, he said, “Obviously, there is a practical limit to just how long you can go down the road of non-cooperation,” and then added, “Though I don’t match the bellicose nature of some of my colleagues,” probably referring to Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld. “The suggestion that we capture our Iraqi enemies and then force them to watch their wives and children be burned alive in their own homes before we then torture the Iraqis to death is just too extreme. I don’t see any reason why the wives and children of our enemies can’t just be smothered to death and then a video tape then shown to the Iraqi before torturing commences.”

Rumsfeld was outraged by the suggestion. He first paused to vomit in disgust at the mention of Colin Powell’s name and then shouted at the reporters, “That weak-kneed, whiny liberal! Why don’t we just take America’s enemies and buy them a room at the Hilton? He should be branded a traitor for suggesting such mercy. I don’t know why Bush hired that pinko. I swear I’ll kick Bush’s ass next time I see him, and don’t think his Secret Service will stop me. They do rigorous psychological tests before hiring those people, so you can be sure that they’re all sane and thus scared of me.”

A reporter then asked Rumsfeld’s opinion on Trent Lott’s statements and the change in Republican leadership. Rumsfeld produced a Luger from under his coat and shot the reporter. He then also shot the reporter behind him.

“Let this be a lesson to you!” Rumsfeld announced, “If you ask me a question that doesn’t involve war with Iraq, I will kill you and the reporter next to you.”

President Bush seemed unconcerned with the feud between his two cabinet members. “The reason I hired them was for a diversity of opinions. On one hand, I have the laughable opinion of an annoying, useless liberal, and, on the other hand, I have that balanced by the opinion of a psychotic war monger who wants nothing more than to hurt me.”

In response to Rumsfeld’s threats, Bush said, “I’m not too worried, though, personally, I would feel better if Cheney weren’t hogging the undisclosed location all the time.”

IMAO Time Machine: IMAO Podcast #11 8-8-05

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The 11th podcast, from 2005. — The Editors

  1. IMAO Strikes Oil (Part 1)
  2. Introduction & sponsors
  3. IMAO Strikes Oil (Part 2)
  4. Spacemonkey’s Alternative Fuel
  5. Harvey: Fun Facts About Hawaii Part 1
  6. Frank J’s Alternative Fuel
  7. Harvey: Fun Facts About Hawaii Part 2
  8. Sarah K’s Alternative Fuel
  9. Laurence Simon’s Crappy Bedtime Stories: Jack and the Beanstalk
  10. IMAO Strikes Oil (Part 3)
  11. Harvey’s Alternative Fuel
  12. W vs. Canada’s oil
  13. Buck the Marine reviews “Ghost Recon 2: Summit Strike”
  14. SarahK: She Blonded Me with Science
  15. Ask Ducky with Right Wing Duck
  16. IMAO Strikes Oil (Part 4)
  17. Frank: Conclusion

If you are able to assist Harvey during this time, it would be greatly appreciated.

 

IMAO Time Machine: Trump Truths: Grinch

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Harvey posted this a year ago. — The Editors

What made the Grinch give back everything he heartlessly stole from his victims? President Trump tweet-shamed him with an Obamacare comparison.

If you are able to assist Harvey during this time, it would be greatly appreciated.

IMAO Time Machine: Trump Truths: Impeachment

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Harvey posted this earlier this year. The president shoulda listened. — The Editors

Democrats have vowed to impeach President Trump.

President Trump knows they will never have the votes for it in the House, because he can just tweet that he’s in favor of it.

Just a reminder that if you are able to assist Harvey during this time, it would be greatly appreciated.

IMAO Time Machine: Dude! Where’s My Crime?

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Here’s one Harvey posted in 2009. — The Editors

Since Obama got elected, we’ve been reading this story every month or so, with slight variations:

Smith & Wesson is expecting sales to rise by 30 per cent to $102 million in the first quarter of the next financial year, after growing by more than 13 per cent this year to $335 million.

At Sturm and Ruger, sales for the third quarter hit $71.2 million, up 70 per cent from the same period last year. At Glock, the leader in law enforcement markets, pistol sales rose by 71 per cent in the first quarter of the financial year for 2010, in comparison with the same period last year.

Now the FBI says there’s been a drop in the crime rate, and ABC News thinks it’s because of…

Cops with computers:

Professor James Alan Fox, a criminologist at Northeastern University, said police have been more targeted in recent years on repeat offenders and high-crime areas, often using computers.

Yeah, sure, it’s all about the SCMODS.

Since they’re not going to connect the dots, I’ll just toss off some half-assed suggestions as to why crime may have dipped. And, stupid as they are, they’re STILL better guesses than what the torpid teleprompter-readers at ABC threw out there:

Is America safe for kittens again?

Is America safe for kittens again?

  • Criminals imagine that by doing nothing, they could win a Nobel Peace Prize, just like Obama.
  • Can’t get to the liquor store to rob it because the streets are packed with two feet of Gore Effect Global Warming.
  • Shortage of criminals due to a vast swath of them “going legit” as Obama’s Czars.
  • Obama must’ve passed a bill designed to increase crime.
  • ACORN lost its funding.
  • Crime now uncool since iPhone doesn’t have an app for that.
  • Death of Michael Jackson to blame for decrease in number of Smooth Criminals.
  • Combination of the popularity of the Snuggie, and the fact that it has no pocket for your gun.
  • Illegal activity is no longer counted as a “crime”, it’s counted as “creating or saving a cop’s job”.
  • It’s not going down! It’s going up! We have the hockey-stick graph to prove it! Global Criming is REAL!

So tell me… why do YOU think crime is down?

Speaking of Harvey, if you can spare a little…

 

IMAO Time Machine: Original Star Wars Trailer: Not Much Better Than Parody Trailer

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Harvey posted this in 2014. I’m bringing it up because I recently discovered that I had the original cut of Star Wars — no mention of Episode IV, or any of the special effects; the original theatrical release — on DVD. It’s much better than this makes it out to be. — Basil (Acting Editor)

WARNING: This is… boring… and only valuable as a historical curiosity:

[Star Wars: Teaser Trailer] (Viewer #968,611)

Compare to “Hardware Wars“

IMAO Time Machine: IMAO Podcast #10 8-1-05

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The 10th podcast, from 2005.

  1. IMAO’s nuclear missile (Part 1)
  2. Introduction & sponsors
  3. Frank’s superweapon
  4. Harvey: Fun Facts About Georgia Part 1
  5. Spacemonkey’s superweapon
  6. Harvey: Fun Facts About Georgia Part 2
  7. Laurence Simon’s superweapon
  8. “World of Knowledge” w/ host Frank J: The Greatest Samurai
  9. SarahK: She Blonded Me with Science
  10. Right Wing Duck’s superweapon
  11. Laurence Simon’s Crappy Bedtime Stories: The Grasshopper & The Ant
  12. SarahK’s superweapon
  13. SarahK reviews “Constantine”
  14. Ask Ducky with Right Wing Duck
  15. IMAO’s nuclear missile (Part 2)
  16. Frank: Conclusion
  17. IMAO’s nuclear missile (Epilogue)

IMAO Time Machine – A Washington DC Christmas Carol – Part 2

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Lactose the Intolerant posted this in 2013. — The Editors

(The clock strikes 1 PM and a ghostly apparition appears before Barack)

Barack: JFK?  Is that you?  It is you. I can’t believe it is you. You are supposed to be my hero.

JFK: I know.  I know.  Wait….Supposed to be?

Barack: Well, yeah.  So I’ve heard.  Once I was born, all other heroes just naturally faded into the background, but I heard people liked you and stuff. I never saw the movie myself, so….well, I heard you were good in it.

JFK: Ok, ok, let’s just move this along, then.  I can’t believe I have to sit through another Christmas Carol ripoff.  Get some imagination people.  Where’s the ghost of Lee Harvey Oswald when you need him?  Ok, follow me.  It’s this way.  Just back and to the left.  That’s right, back and to the left.  Back and to the left.  No, your other left.  Just follow me!

(They are suddenly whisked away and appear back at the White House Christmas party)

JFK: No one can see you, of course.  You are just here to observe and see what you can learn about the true meaning of Christmas.

Barack: Dude, this is so wrong.  I can’t even grab the champagne or nothing. I’m not sure I can endure this sober.

JFK: Just pay attention for once.  I’m not thrilled about this either.  There, why don’t you check in on Joe?

(Drifts over to where Joe is speaking to Nancy)

Joe (drunkenly): And you can’t say I’m not doin’ nothin’ anymore, neither. Barack just put me in charge of plannin’ for the War on Christmas.  Yeshh, it’s true.  It is. And I have plans.  Lots of plans.  I’m gonna start this off with coordinated drone attacks on all of the mall Santas.  I mean, they can’t all be body doubles, right.  We’ll nail the real one eventually.  And I’m gonna idle my car all the time.  Melt that North Pole right out from under him.  Drown him with all the polar bears.  Collateral damage.  Acceptable losses. That’s what the armies call it.  Acceptable losses.  And I know how to fund it too.  Been goin’ to the pounds and scooping up all of the golden retrievers.  You know with the price of gold bein’ what it is, once they retrieve it all, we’ll be rich, I tell ya.  But there’s more.  There’s more.  I was smart.  Always thinkin’.  Bought all the munitions during the Black Friday sales.  Went shoppin’ with Paula Deen.  Though she didn’t call it Black Friday.  I can’t tell you what she called it, but it wasn’t Black Friday.  And that’s not all.  Not all.  Not all at all. I’m in charge of all holiday related, uh, stuff and stuff.  Like Halloween fightin’.  Like the zombie apocalypse.  Preparing for that, too.  First thing I gots to do is dig up all the corpses and tie their shoelaces together. Gives us a better chance of runnin’ away from them, cause they’ll all be trippin’ and stuff. And I’d tell you about the upcoming Valentine’s Day massacre, but, shhhhhhhhhhh,  it’s a secret. You’ll have to be a part of the massacre so you can know what is in it, so kind of right up your alley.  You want to be part of the massacre?

JFK: Please tell me that you are planning on changing the Constitution so that isn’t your successor

Barack: Sad thing is, he’s more lucid when he’s drunk. You should hear what he says when he is sober.  Take me somewhere else.  Please.  There’s Kerry and Bill over there.

Kerry: What’s up with that umbrella?  Is it really working?

Bill (holding an umbrella over his head made entirely of mistletoe): Oh this.  Oh, no.  I don’t need this to get a kiss. But it keeps Hill away.  It’s like Hillary repellent XXS or something. Gives me my space.

Kerry: It’s luring me in, though.  Pucker up, I’m coming in.

Bill: You can’t kiss me with those lips.  They’re still stuck to the Ayatollah’s ass.  But did I tell you? I recently moved in with my girlfriend.  Don’t tell her.  She doesn’t know.  And neither does her husband.  I tell you, there is nothing like the feeling of waking up next to the woman you love, even if she doesn’t know that you love her or that you are even in her house.  But anyway, when I would creep into her room and watch her change, I kept noticing these bruises on her and stuff. So what is my first thought?  Domestic abuse, right?  Am I right?  Of course I’m right.  So I sit her down and say, I know this is a touchy subject and it may not be any of my business, but I think you really need to try and be less obnoxious. I mean, really.  You can be very annoying.  A lot of the time I want to smack you around too.  But really, I can feel your pain.  I can feel your pain.

Kerry: You know, they say that women have a higher threshold for pain than men.

Bill: But what good is that if their threshold for complaining about it is so much lower?  You know what I mean?  But anyway, you read that Fifty Shades of Grey yet?

Kerry: No, but did you hear that Al said it was a ripoff of his and Tipper’s love life?

Bill: No way.  But the scary thing I heard was that they did a study and found that every copy of that book in the world had traces of cocaine and herpes on it.  Every copy.  True story.

Kerry: And you know that 70% of people who catch herpes get it from someone with no visible signs of an outbreak.  Sibelius told me that one. So I know it is true.  But the really scary thing is that means the 30% of people who contract herpes get it from someone with visible signs.  That’s just frightening.

Bill: And that, my friend, is why you always keep the lights on.  And it is why foreplay is so important.  If you are getting it on, and it feels like you are reading The Audacity of Hope in braille, run for the door.  Run for the door and don’t look back.

Obama: I’m so confused, dude. What exactly was I supposed to learn from this?  This is the same stuff I see from them every day.

JFK: I haven’t got a clue. The Powers That Be really didn’t think this one through at all it seems.  No planning or follow up from the chief executive, apparently.  I guess everyone just assumed the Dickensian template just always worked on its own.  Major foul up here. Which God do you worship again?

Obama: Myself, of course. Duh, dude.  Who else is worthy of my reverence?

JFK: Ah, no wonder this was such a monumental cluster.  You were ultimately in charge of this whole thing.  Did you have any meetings about this at all?

Obama: Cha!  I’m too smart to deal with details.  That’s what the serfs are for.  It’s not like I’m going to show up to a meeting about something called Obamacarol.  That just sounds downright racist to me.  Especially when it was such a monumental failure.  I don’t want my fingerprints all over that train wreck.  Maybe we should call it the Awful Christmas Act or something else less racist.

JFK: You’re hopeless.  There is apparently no hope that you will ever change. This is absurd. I’m not wasting my time anymore.  Enjoy your next visit.  See you in a few months. (fades away)

Obama:  Hey, wait a minute.  You have time for a quick selfie?  Wait, what? A few months?  Wait? What? That means you’re coming back, right?

(To be continued, maybe, if I feel like it)

Sadly, Lactose the Intolerant never got around to making Part 3. However he did … well, that’s for another day. If I feel like it. — The Editors

IMAO Time Machine – A Washington DC Christmas Carol – Part 1

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Lactose the Intolerant posted this in 2013. — The Editors

[Barack is leaving the White House Christmas party early]

Barack: Merry Chriskwanzakah, dudes.  I got to go sleep this one off.

 Joe: You totally can’t say that, dude.  It’s offensive.  You totally left out the Muslims.

 Barack: It’s not my fault we don’t celebrate Ramalamadingdong in December this year.  Stupid lunar calendar.  I’m going to bed.  Later, dude.

[Stumbles into his bedroom to find the ghost of Nelson Mandela waiting impatiently for him]

Nelson (in a moaning voice): Barack Obama……

Barack: Cha!  Dude, you aren’t real, dude.  You’re like, a spot of undigested beef or that crapload of blue meth I just like totally did.

Nelson: I am most certainly not a bad trip, mon.

Barack: You are so totally a bad trip, MON.  Nelson Mandela would only speak Jamaican in one of my hallucinations.  Kind of like Obamacare would only work in one of my hallucinations, mon.  That is usually how I can tell reality from hallucinations.  If I can log on to healthcare.gov, then I know I’m, like, totally tripping, dude.

Nelson (points ominously at the laptop screen showing the crashed healthcare.gov website)

Barack: Duuuuuuuude…….Ok, so maybe you are real, but what is with all that ugly, cheap ass bling, dude?  Chains are supposed to be gold and shiny and junk, not all that ugly cast iron junk you are all dragging around and stuff.

Nelson: Well, here’s da ting, mon.  De afterlife isn’t dat much different than da mortal life.  Let me give you a little tip.  Just like in the real life, if you want to avoid going to jail and ending up in dese here chains, try really hard not to be black or Hispanic. Boy, day sure have a lot of chains waiting dere for you, mon.

Barack: If you say so.  You sure you ain’t been toking a bit too much of the ganja yourself, dude.  But, dude.  While I got you here, I totally have a question for you, dude.  Answer me this.  Answer me this.  Answer me this.  I have a bet with Joe about this one.  You, are, like a ghost, right, so you should know this one, right.  Ok, like those ghost hunter dudes are always saying that ghosts always appear doing stuff they were, like, really passionate about in life, you know. Like, stuff they were totally into.  If that is true, why don’t we ever see ghosts making love? Answer me that one, dude.

 Nelson: Seriously, mon?  Tink about it for a minute.  Why do you tink dem ghosts is always moaning, mon.  And why do day get so mad and start trowing junk around when you come along and interrupt dem in da throes?  Seriously, mon?  And don’t you make me tell you what ectoplasm really be. I and I.  But you have totally gotten me off the tracks.  I be here to save your soul, mon.  Before morning, you are gonna be visited by tree ghosts.  No, wait, apparently your past is sealed up tighter dan a steel drum, so the Ghost of Christmas Past is a no show.  So you gonna be visited by two ghosts, mon.  Listen to dem, mon.  It be very good if you be hearing what they be saying to you, mon.  Da first one comes when de clock strikes one (fades away).

(To be continued, maybe, if I feel like it)