RightWingDuck posted this back in 2005. — The Editors

I’ve accomplished a lot of things in my life. I’ve gotten married, I’ve had kids — well, not me, I mean my wife, and I’ve even managed to hold down a job. But sometimes these accomplishments seem so hollow. Why? Because I haven’t been nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize. Sure, I’ve never been a murderous thug, but that’s only an unofficial requirement.

Having watched the news, it seems that there’s a death row inmate here in California who not only was nominated — but he also wrote a kids book.

This is inspirational. I’ve always wanted to write a kids book to help inspire all those young eager minds — and to make lots and lots of money.

However, it seems that most publishers want to see some sort of “draft” before they’ll fork over any dough! Don’t they know who I am? Every day I hold Frank J’s Coat!!

So it is with sincere pleasure that I now share my latest entry into the exciting world of Children’s books.

Give Me Your Money, By RWD. Retail Price $6.95

Once upon a time, there was a sweet, and gentle gangbanger. His friends called him Killer K. One day Killer K said, “I’m Hungry.” His friends laughed at him. So he shot them.

Some other friends looked on this and said, “Killer, if you had a job, then you would have money. Then you could have all the food you want.”

Killer K thought about this. People were always telling him to learn a skill, take his life seriously, and become a productive member of society. “Get a job?” he said. “That’s racist.”

So Killer K did the next best thing. He robbed a bank.

The bank robbery went perfect. Except for killing a few people, and getting caught. But the bank had free breath mints, so Killer wasn’t so hungry. The next day, the true story was all over the newspapers. He was sent to jail despite pleadings from overweight ministers saying that Killer K was the true victim.

Killer K said, “Now that I’m in prison, I’ll have all the things I need.”

His lawyers said that he should put himself into one of the many wonderful prison rehab programs. These programs trained prisoners in important job skills.

Sadly, all of the positions that were available were too far beneath a convicted felon.

So Killer K thought, “This is a horrible way to live. This makes me want to kill even MORE people.” Then he changed his mind and said, “I should write a book. A book that will inspire children everywhere.” He sat down with his lawyers and thought about different titles.

The book was a huge success. It sold over three HUNDRED copies. In some cities, there were some people who had actually read it!! With this important accomplishment under his belt — Killer K was ready to ask the world for forgiveness. Sadly, the world was not ready to forgive. Probably because they were racist. So he got some friends together to help him ask for help.

Now the whole word knew what was happening! This made Killer K very happy. What will happen to Killer K? I’m sorry, you’ll have to buy the next book.

$6.95 at your local retailer.

**

What do you think? Sure, it’s a bit rough around the edges, and I haven’t quite worked out the ending although I’ll probably have one tonight by midnight.

Here’s another fine mess Harvey wrote about in 2009. — The Editors

Democratic Senator Sheldon Whitehouse of Rhode Island claimed (link NSFW) that in 8 years, he couldn’t remember George W. Bush ever being portrayed with a Hitler mustache.

His point being that it’s completely wrong for Tea Partiers to compare Obama to Hitler.

My point being that if you’re not smart enough to put the words “Bush” and “Hitler” into a Google Image search, you’re probably shouldn’t be considered qualified to vote on matters of national import.

Still, his criticism is noted, and from now on, I’ll show some restraint when comparing Obama to people with postage-stamp moustaches:

One’s a comedian whose bungling antics brought laughter to millions, the other got his start in Vaudeville.

Spacemonkey penned this in 2006. — The Editors

I heard on Rush Limbaugh yesterday that some of the Democrats are bent out of shape because some people, Rush and Bush included, call their party the Democrat Party instead of the Democratic Party. I know I do this.

I guess they want at least the idea of Democracy to be somewhat associated with them. Sell the sizzle, not the steak and all that.

But is it very democratic to dictate to others what you would have them call you? Oh, I think not. Dictatorly, that’s what it is.

But, since they want to be all democratic-like, what to call them should be decided in a democratical way.

By a vote. And vote we will. Now taking nominations. No profanity please.

What would be a good democratically chosen name for the party with the big smelly ass for a mascot?

Frank J. posted this in 2002.

Attorneys for Guantanamo Bay detainees are arguing to a federal appeals court that foreigners captured in the war on terrorism have rights. That’s crazy. I don’t know what people are worried about, anyway. They say that, without a trial, how can you be sure they’re terrorists? That may be true, but no one is disputing the fact that they are foreigners. As we all know, foreigners are stupid and often evil; that’s why God put them in other countries than America. While it may be true that sometimes by accident good people end up being born in other countries – especially if God was drinking the night before (it’s you atheists that drive Him to drink) – any decent person would then come to America the first chance they have. But where did these alleged not-terrorists go (foreigners are guilty until proven innocent)? They went to Afghanistan. That’s crazy. I think that proves beyond any reasonable doubt that these people are the bad kind of foreigners and thus should be locked away in Cuba where they can only harm Communists. That makes God happy… when He’s sober.

NOTE: All countries with IMAO readers are excluded from those that are stupid and evil.

Frank J posted this in 2002. — The Editors

Just because we got Iraq, North Korea, and assorted t’rists to kick around, we can’t forget the big Commie evil still out there: China. Amnesty International took a break from protesting the execution of child murderers so they could actually expose some real injustice, finding that thirty-three people have been imprisoned in China for doing nothing more than expressing their opinions online. Two have died in custody. That’s murder in my book, but we can’t just storm in there and rightfully execute all the government officials involved because of a little thing called “diplomacy.” G*****n diplomacy.

What we can do is not help the Commie bastards. According the report, technologies from such companies as Websense, Sun Microsystems, Cisco Systems, Nortel Networks, and Microsoft were used to filter content and track down dissidents. Now, I’m all for capitalism (I’ll beat the crap out of anyone who doubts it) but there are some moral responsibilities American companies need to follow. They know if they sell software to evil Commies, those Commies are going to turn around and use that software for Commie evil – the sort of evil that leaves people dead. I know if I had a software company, and the Chi-Coms came to me for software, I’d just kick them square in the nuts, say, “Screw you, you Commie bastards,” and toss them right out of the building. Real American companies should shun business that helps Commies, and instead work on software that fights filtering and helps dissidents remain anonymous. If your company can’t make a product that actually kills Commies, then at least make stuff that frustrates them.

RightWingDuck posted this in 2005. — The Editors

Posted by RightWingDuck as a favor to Santa Claus.

Santa has been kind enough to answer questions for the fans of IMAO. You folks have no idea how special you are!

Here are just some of the questions that you asked Santa along with his special one of a kind answers….

Ask Santa – A special IMAO session

Question: Santa – Since Christmas has not been cancelled due to a strike or labor costs, I assume that your elves are non-union. Am I correct?
Posted by The Man

Ho, ho, ho. You are so The Man. yes, you’re right. I don’t use union labor. This explains why products from the North Pole seldom break down.

You know the secret – hiring the right people You should interview one of my foremen Elves – like Juan Garcia. Or the other Juan Garcia. Unfortunately, this year I did lose some elves when they decided to go get some work rebuilding New Orleans.

Ho. Ho. Ho.

Question: Santa – I would really like to have Chucky Schumer’s head on a pike for Christmas.

Is that doable?
Posted by jimmyb

Ho ho ho. Oh, Jimmy B. You ask for that every Christmas. I’d like to say yes to you, but only if that is also the wish of Chucky Schumer himself. Otherwise, I’ll have to bring you your second choice – Barbra Streisand Sings Her Favorite War Protest Love Songs.

Ho. Ho. Ho. Merry Christmas, little Jimmy.

Question: Oh Santa…I have a weakness for furry, overweight men, with bags full of neat toys – Does Mrs. Clause ever let you out, other than Christmas time?
Posted by Wonder Woman

Ho.

If you like getting frisky, may I suggest you use something besides the invisible jet? Really, lady, you’re not hiding anything. You’re on the naughty list this year and I didn’t even have to do any spying. Mrs. Claus and I enjoy each other’s company very much. Thanks for asking.

Ho. Ho. Ho.
Continue reading ‘IMAO Time Machine: Santa Answers – Part I’ »