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FUN FACTS ABOUT THE VUVUZELA
* The vuvuzela was made in a collaboration of Hitler and Satan. They have sense profusely apologized.
* The vuvuzela was created in South Africa after apartheid ended and the country needed something just as awful to take its place.
* The vuvuzela is the only noisemaker known to cause deaf people watching a sport at home to hit the mute button.
* The vuvuzela really took off in 2001 when Masincedane Sport started mass marketing a plastic version of it, an act that was called “unconscionable” by people who sell tainted crack to schoolchildren.
* The object of vuvuzela blowing during a soccer match is to blow it continuously throughout the game without stopping to express your complete hatred for the world and all living things.
* The sound of the vuvuzela has been described as “a stampede of noisy elephants”, “a deafening swarm of locusts”, “a goat on the way to slaughter”, and “complete contempt for both God and man”.
* If surrounded by people blowing the vuvuzela, you’d think the smart thing to do would be to jab out your eardrums with a pen, but the horrible sound would still be stuck in your brain. Yes, the only escape is sweet, sweet death.
* The sound of the vuvuzela can be mistaken for a mating call by giant mutant bees.
* The vuvuzela causes both hearing loss and the desire for hearing loss.
* Many believe the vuvuzela to be the worst object in existence, even worse than clamshell packaging. In fact, if vuvuzela came in clamshell packaging, thus making it nigh impossible for a purchaser to get one out and blow into it, clamshell packaging would singlehandedly redeem itself.
* In a fight between a vuvuzela and Aquaman, Aquaman would accidentally swim to crush depths and die to escape the annoying sound.
* The only way to stop a vuvuzela is to stop people from blowing in it, and the only way to stop people from blowing in it is to make sure there is no air. Thus the vuvuzela has inspired a campaign to destroy all plant life.
* In response to the outcry, people have said that the vuvuzela is part of South African culture… as apparently so is sociopathy.
To redeem the vuvuzela, color it pink and rename it the vuvujayjay.
The game…
http://www.bartbonte.com/vuvuzela/
Where did you get a picture of Gary Coleman blowing a Vuvuzela? I don’t remember that episode.
Frank, your crack research team nailed it. My own crack research team confirms everything you said plus:
* The vuvuzela is played in hell over loudspeaker to make sure the damned know exactly where they are. It appears the constant fire torment doesn’t quite do it like the vuvuzela.
* The Obama administration is the US equivalent of the vuvuzela.
* Hugo Chavez wants to rename Venezuela Vuvunezuela.
* It’s expected by the time the World Cup is over, all soccer fans will hate soccer because of the vuvuzela.
* It’s time for some Nuke South Africa shirts, Frank.
* if I was POTUS, we would have already nuked South Africa multiple times.
What are some other key features of South African culture?
* South African men like to stand around and talk about their feelings.
* South Africans love Duran Duran.
* South Africans are the worst kind of British: British bees.
Oh! its an instrument and the fans were making that noise. I though it was that idiot in the white house talking again.
Is hearing a vuvuzela worse than having to watch soccer?
Uvulas are popular at parades and I have one. I blow/tickle mine every New Year’s Eve (or fire my 12 gauge, whichever comes first).
Did you see that clip of the little girl underneath a male stallion from behind, pointing as his wing ding and saying, “Look, Mommy, it has a uvula”
Oh wait. “Vuvuzela?” What the hell is that?
Hawkeye Jim, researchers are still working on that question. Early indications are inconclusive.
This is the perfect sound to play just before Gibbs takes the podium to explain yet another act of idiocy by the current administration.
More tidbits regarding that most evil of all things, the vuvuzuela, that my crack research team uncovered:
* If soccer fans gets their way, the next time South Africa gets to host the World Cup shoud be more or less never.
* Several states are introducing legislation making the lynching of anyone playing the vuvuzuela legal and mandatory.
* Marko, the research is now conclusive. The vuvuzuela is worst than watching soccer. You can at least fall asleep watching soccer.
Try falling asleep listening to that @#$%&*! vuvuzuela.
* Soccer fans around the world are looking forward to lynching the first idiot who dares to play a vuvuzuela at their games. Oh, excuse me, matches.
* Several states are introducing legislation adding “playing the vuvuzuela” to the list of things that justify a homicide.
* Barrack Obama has “Zamfir, Master of The Vuvuzela” on his I-Pod. It figures.
I would so pay money to have members of the press corps smuggle in vuvuzelas and blow them whenever Gibbs says something retarded.
So, pretty much constantly then?
Barack Obama: the vuvuzela of presidents.
plus, #3, I believe that’s a picture Malcolm Jamal Warner on the vuvezela. That was one of my least favorite Cosby Show episodes…
Sorry, but it’s hard for me to object to something that only annoys people who watch soccer. Just like I really don’t mind a bit if child molesters get capital punishment.
I just can’t help myself! More results from my crack smoking research team’s research into the vuvuzela:
* Michelle Obama sounds like the vuvuzela when she’s having sex with Barrack.
* Most people agree the sound of Hillary Clinton’s voice is only half as annoying as the vuvuzela.
* Iran just announced they reached an agreement with the UN and is dismantling it’s nuclear weapons program to concentrate on the development of the vuvuzela as a weapon of mass destruction.
* Saying “I’m gonna play my vuvuzela” is now considered a threat and you can shoot people for saying that.
* The “Go Ahead And Jump” suicide assitance hotline now plays the vuvuzela as background music when putting potential suicides on hold.
* Obama hates America so much he wants to replace “The Star Spangled Banner” with the vuvuzela as our national anthem.
* As bad as the vuvuzela is, it’s only 1/10th as harmful to America as the average day of the Obama administration.
* Barrack Vuvuzela Obama is now the President official name.
Proud Infidel………….. Zamfir, master of the vuvuzela. Good one. But one note, Obama is alo a master of the vuvuzela. You hear it everytime he opens his mouth.
BP scientists are investigating the possibility that the sonic vibrations of massed vuvuzelas would cause the sea floor to shift and seal the oil spill.
The vuvuzela was actually created in an attempt to weaponify the kazoo. After the project was deemed a success, the developers were all put to death via their new creation, and the vuvuzela was classified as the new fifth category of WMDs. How such a devastating weapon fell into the sinister hands of soccer fans is currently being investigated by the CIA.
I finally looked it up. From Webster’s online:
vuvuzela (voo-voo-ZAY-lah): n. A self-inflicted impediment to social and technological development.
Gosh, this brings to mind the tranquil image of a stadium full of soccer fans each wrestling in silent agony to get their vuvuzela out of its clamshell packaging.
“No, Johnny, that is not her Vuvuzela. Girls have VooVoo’s. Boys have WeeWee’s.”
“Doctor, my Vuvuzela is all red and long. What should I do? Did you say ‘blow it’ ?!!!?”
“It’s a little known fact that most Vuvuzela blowers just think they can play the trumpet.”
“Test drive a Vuvuzela today! You’ll love the horn!”
(Burma, I’ve been pronouncing it voo-VOO-zay-lah. This must be the source of my problem…)
FrankJ u r freaking genius. ur posts r great when sober but freaking perfect when drunk like now. u r a comedic god!
Seems like the vuvuzela has the same thing in common as Obama: noise pollution.
If you slow down a recording of a vuvuzela and play it backwards, it keeps repeating “Hope and Change”
* In a fight between a vuvuzela and Aquaman, Aquaman would *PURPOSEFULLY* swim to crush depths and die to escape the annoying sound.
Fixed it.
…and we need a huge deluge from the sky to drown these vuvu…whatever…players.
Death by rain bong.
Vuvuzela Hero for Playstation and Wii
The number one reason given for not going to work during the World Cup — “I’m having my vuvuzela tuned.”
I sent my crack All-American investigative team to work on soccers’ vuvuzela and they asked:
“What’s that?”
“A vuvuzela? Well, that’s a…”
“No, soccer” they replied.
I believe that Michelle and Hillary possess enormous vuvuzelas.
I got about to the end of the first sentence and realized you were writing about soccer, and I don’t care a bit for soccer. I don’t even want to read blog posts about how stupid soccer is. I just wanted to let you know.
Think about it…what other activity best suits the ennui that is soccer than day-long drunken hyperventilation? Gotta pass out sooner or later.