10 Simple Things You Can Do To Save The Earth

Some helpful tips for Earth Day:

Once the earth is fully paved, you’ll be able to save gas by driving directly to wherever you want to go.

1) Save the rainforests! The wood will come in handy for building re-education camps for right-wing extremists.

2) Build a windmill. Not only will it provide electricity, it’s also good for killing birds, which you can fry up on your solar panels. Mmmm… fried eagle.

3) Encourage everyone you know to ride bicycles, then steal their tires and burn them to heat your house.

4) Save the whales! We may need to start using their oil again.

5) Plastic bottles last forever in a landfill. Coat them with several layers of lead paint before throwing them out to keep BPA’s from leaching into the groundwater.

6) Only buy organic vegetables which use no pesticides. Being pre-chewed by bugs makes them easier to digest. Sorta like being fed by a mama bird.

7) Eat fish only from mercury-contaminated waters. If you don’t, then mercury will accumulate in their bodies until they become completely made out of liquid metal and begin assuming the form of loved ones in order to hunt us down and kill us.

8) Don’t drive when you can bike. And lubricate the chain with whale oil.

9) Instead of throwing away food scraps, toss them into a compost pile in your back yard. The compost can be used to replenish soil nutrients in your garden, while the compost pile itself will attract rats, which you can shoot for target practice and leave where they lie to create more compost. Circle of life!

10) Support the Endangered Species Act, which protects animals with dwindling numbers so that their population can recover so that they can be taken off the list so that they can be quietly hunted to extinction without jack-booted government thugs interfering with the natural order of things.

How will YOU save the planet today?

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  1. I’m going to release my design for a giant Sub-Zero refrigeration system (14 million square feet) for bid. Once built, it will be towed to the Arctic and generate LOTS of ice cubes to counter the melting of the polar caps from Global Cooling…I mean Warming….c’mon you know..Al’s Climate Change Thingy.

    If we run 3 full shifts 24 hours a day, I think we can offset the huge increase in CFC’s this system will emit (47 billion metric tons), and just stay ahead of the melting and decline in the ozone layer.

    Logistics will be no issue. We’ll deport thousands of right-wing extremist Tea Baggers to be jointly re-educated and to work in the cube plant. We’ll feed ’em with polar bear and baby seal meat, and of course, keep the gears lubricated with whale oil.

    Our friends at GE can build it, as they are now comfortable being the newest member of Team Obama and an outstanding example of what corporate welfare and industrial syncophancy is all about.

    Problem solved. Next.


  2. Once Ted Kennedy finally dies (preferably in a car that goes off a bridge), the amount of ice cubes saved from his no longer consuming obscene quantities of rum & Cokes will have a direct impact on the ice masses of both the Arctic and Antarctic.


  3. #9 is a true gem, Harvey, and is practiced by yours truly on an ongoing basis, except for one thing. The rats are good for not only target practice but as food or as pets! Versatile animals, those rats. (Just kidding about the food thing – the eagles, hawks, ospreys and kestrels here keep ’em down in the open field.)

    And I don’t know how many times I’ve thought your #10.


  4. How I will acknowledge (shyeah) Earth Day today:

    Drive my non-union Honda with under-inflated tires to an air-conditioned office with no windows, where for 8-9 hours I will sit behind a mercury-filled (whatever) computer monitor and look at the artificial flower pens on the desk before driving back home in my non-union Honda to sit in front of a mercury-filled (whatever) LCD television or computer monitor in an air-conditioned flat with the window shades closed while eating foreign-grown non-organic produce and properly-portioned entrees in plastic packaging, after which time I will take a hot shower lasting 15 minutes and then go to sleep in Asian-made cotton-polyester jammies with an electric fan running only for the white noise until I’m ready to get up and do the same thing over again on Thursday.


  5. I bought a sausage maker for half price at the local Sportsman’s Warehouse going-out-of-business sale and enough spices, sausage casings and curing chemicals to make 30 lbs of brautwurst.
    Now I just have to check the highways near the deer-crossing signs for some fresh roadkill and I’ll be in business! Use it up, wear it out, make it do!


  6. Update: Went to Farm and Fleet today and saw another sausage maker for $12. Less than half of what I paid for the one I bought at Sportsman Warehouse (at half price, all sales final). What a jip! I’m glad they’re closing! Made 5 lbs of Turkey/Pork Beer Brats today.
    If carbon dioxide is bad, should I drink flat beer to help save the planet?



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