A Realistic Plan for World Peace
Nuke the Moon

(Originally written August 15th, 2002)

“Gotta nuke something.”
-20th century philosopher Nelson Muntz

World peace cannot be achieved by sitting around on our duffs singing hippy songs to the moon. Peace can only be achieved through excessive acts of seemingly mindless violence. Who do bullies pick on in the playground? The giant, crazy looking guy who looks ready to snap and kill the person nearest or some harmless looking weenie who appears to do anything to avoid conflict? People pick on the weenie because people like to start fights they think they can win. In the same way, people will continue to attack America and our interests when they get the idea that they can piss off America without us immediately eradicating them and everyone around them in the most painful way possible.

Now, if I were president, here’s what I would do. Next time some country does something we don’t take a pining too, such as supporting terrorism or speaking French, I’d pick the dumbest reason for an attack, e.g., “A ‘q’ should always be followed by a ‘u’. I don’t make the rules, Iraq, but I will enforce them.” The more irrational you look, the more scared the country will be that you will really hit them hard. I’d then give the country the old one-week notice until bombing starts. Then, after just twenty-four hours, I’d start bombing. When the stupid dictator calls to complain, I’d say, “I meant one week max. Oh, and by the way, ground troops – one week.” I’m sure that would be enough to capitulate the average evildoer, but some extra measures could help intimidate others as well. Like, instead of just saturation bombing a city, super-saturation bomb it. After annihilating everything until nothing but ash is left, I’d nuke the ashes. It’s that extra bit of extremely disproportionate use of force that makes other countries start to wonder if America “has it all together” and really worrying who we’ll lash out against next.

Of course, Europe will start complaining, and Europe’s bad mouthing of America gives comfort to our enemies. I mean, those guys values are so messed up they think calling someone a “cowboy” is an insult. Best idea would be to assassinate the leader of the first European country we hear a peep out of. This will probably make us look evil, though, when we want the image of crazy and violent. So, when the Europeans ask why, I’d claim to never have heard of the person: “I didn’t even know France had a leader. Sure it wasn’t suicide? Yeah, committing suicide with a sniper rifle would be hard, but not impossible if you had a five-hundred yard length of string to work the trigger.” Assassination does seem a little extreme, but we’re talking about Europe. I mean, what are they going to do other than quickly capitulate under a mild threat of force. We’ll probably start seeing, “We all love America!” parades in bids to not be our next targets.

Now the world will be pretty convinced that America is frick’n nuts and just looking for a fight, but we need to really ingrain it into everyone’s conscious so that no one will ever even contemplate crossing us. This requires making good use of our nukes. I know, nukes can kill millions of people, but they sure aren’t doing anyone any good just sitting around. I mean, how many years has it been since we last dropped a bomb on someone? No one even thinks we’ll actually use one now. Of course, using nukes shouldn’t be done haphazardly; all uses have to be well planned out because the explosions are so cool looking that we’ll want to give the press plenty of notice so they can get pictures of the mushroom cloud from all sorts of different angles. But what to nuke? Well, usually the idea is populated cities, but, by the beliefs of my morally superior religion, killing is wrong. So why can’t we be more creative than nuking people. My idea is to nuke the moon; just say we thought we saw moon people or something. There is no one actually there to kill (unless we time it poorly) and everyone in the world could see the results. And all the other countries would exclaim, “Holy @$#%! They are nuking the moon! America has gone insane! I better go eat at McDonald’s before they think I don’t like them.”

But why stop there. We’ve got like tons of national parks; we surely wouldn’t miss just one if we nuked it. Our excuse will be that we heard a drug dealer was hiding there. Then the foreign nations would be like, “Sacre bleu! These Americans are nuking themselves! Surely they will think nothing of bombing us! Let’s adapt their vapid culture as our own so they might consider us one of them.”

Now all other countries will be completely freaked out and never even dream of messing with us. They’ll say the name of America with hushed whispers and always praise us in public for fear of reprisal. We’d be like an Old Testament god to them; perhaps they would even start worshiping us – actually, we should make that a condition of favored trade status. Not only will we have ensured peace for ourselves, but we can also now easily end any conflict between other countries. We see two nations warring over some territory, all we’ll have to do is say, “Hey, break it up,” and they’ll be racing to concede to each other rather than get on the bad side of the “crazy, homicidal Americans.” And, if people are being oppressed by an evil government, all we’ll have to do is say, “Hey you! Stop being communist!” and the next day they’ll have elections, capitalism, and free-press to keep from having their country turned into a parking lot. It will be that easy to motivate our fellow man, because there is hardly anything people treasure more than not being annihilated.

Now all that’s needed to keep peace is to come up with new and creative ways of looking insane and belligerent without actually harming anyone. Missile defense is probably a good step in that direction. Next time some country steps out of line, we launch a nuclear missile at them. Just seconds before it hits, we blow it up with our missile defense so that everyone there sees the huge explosion in the sky. Then the president would just call up their leader and say, “Hey, we lost sight of our SDI test. Did you see if it worked?”

By now, you’re probably saying, “Great idea. But how to do we pay for all these random acts of violence?” Just create an “Other Country Tax”, a tax for being a country other than the U.S. After implementing my plan, all the countries will be eager to pay the money, and probably add a nice tip to win favor.

So there you have it, a real peace plan that could actually work. Warmongering pacifists want us to act all nice such that countries think we’re rational and won’t kill everyone with a blind fury, thus making it possible they might actually attack us and draw us into a war. But, if America follows my idea and lashes out at the slightest provocation with unmeasured vengeance, there can be peace. So there’s the choice: either be a homicidal maniac thus ensuring peace and love in the world, or be some pacifist hippy while the streets flow with the blood of the innocent.


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  2. Nice idea, However, it wouldn’t be such a good idea. But I do agree that we shouldn’t worry about what other countries think about us, just protect ourselves, even if that means a preemptive strike or war, like what we are doing in Iraq right now. Again, though, we have to do better, use our airforce to kill those damn terrorists, Instead of sending our army in there to fight hand-to-hand


  3. This is not quite satire, though that is the “cover” under which the author lets his violent alter ego out for a test drive. If you relish the perverse details a little too much, it may be mere eggageration of the truth. See, satire requires us to conclude the the beliefs of the author are in truth exactly opposite of the written words. For example, Swift proposes we eat children. But he in fact does not really advocate for that. I get the feeling this author shares many of this piece’s ideas. The difference may only be by degree. Now let’s refute the ideas themselves. The fact is, the hawkish postures the author suggests (being “a homicidal maniac” to “ensure peace and love around the world”) wouldn’t work as a real deterrent. Why? Try the Kantian principle: what would happen if everyone did it? See, scaring other nations only causes them to want to try to kill us even more because they –like us– feel they have to strike quick to prevent an even worse future living in a world of homicidal maniacs. After all, you seem to fear “the other” already and look at what a violently worded essay you wrote about bombing them. Just as there was an “illegal” coalition formed by the world to depose the despot Saddam, a coalition of the rest of the world would form to depose the despot America. It locks us into a never ending spiral of creating our own enemy. And if not a coalition, fomenting simple terrorism and revolt may be the result, as US Generals concluded was the case with our misadventure in Iraq. Now, if this was satire then the author really would be in favor of “peace and love around the world”, But it would seem those goals don’t really interest him as much as violent fantasy does. It is counter-intuitive to say that violence begets peace. In some instances there may be a short term value in using calculated violence to contribute to a long term peace, but that is only after a framework of justice and peace is created to contain it including rule of law, humanistic values, scientific rigor, a robust diplomatic and economic structure, a constitution enshringing the highest liberal ideals as a guide, etc. Somehow, I get the feeling the author would like to be a fascist himself, which is the antithesis of american democracy. Meanwhile… Its a funny title and graphic, though, nuke the moon. that really is funny. Its the hyperviolent imagination that I mistrust. PS. I know you’ll not approve of and publish this in the comments section of your site (just like you didn’t the last comment I left on the site), because you apparently can’t stand to honor america’s free speech ideals or brooks an ounce of honest critique…


  4. “Walk softly and carry a big stick” worked for Teddy R. We nuked Japan After they started the fight and they have not started a war since. I don’t advocate starting fights, we can and should live peaceably with our neighbors, but when some one wants to throw down on us we reserve the right to defend our selves.


  5. Salve,

    Well, I can tell that you took a lot of time to think up how to write a decent rebuttal to the author, even though you fail to spell America with a capital ‘A’. Don’t worry, Salve, the rest of us military folk will continue to have “misadventures” in foreign lands so that you can continue to sit at your mom’s computer in peace and pretend to be a scholar for pacifistic peace.


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  7. Salve,

    Well, I can tell that you took a lot of time to think up how to write a decent rebuttal to the author, even though you fail to spell America with a capital ‘A’. Don’t worry, Salve, the rest of us military folk will continue to have “misadventures” in foreign lands so that you can continue to sit at your mom’s computer in peace and pretend to be a scholar for pacifistic peace.

    He spelled his name wrong, too!



  8. So we should have littered Iraq, A.stan with DU + chemical & biological weapons after using our troops for biowarfare experiments not to mention supplying them with faulty, useless suits & respirators. So the dustier regions on earth, with yet unexcavated ancient archeology are now forever polluted. Dust which is caught in the wind. Blowback for the world. 100s of thousands of troops permanently injured and cancerated. Trillions of $$ up in smoke, posionous smoke. Your article (if serious) is beyond reason, infact ‘BEYOND TREASON’ – A film that the NaziS on this site should be forced to watch – at gunpoint!! Just watch it anyway – fools! If I did an impression of the ‘warriors’ on this site I’d have to say ‘SO(U)LDIERS DESERVE TO DIE – HORRIBLY’. However, I’d rather they just didn’t sign up or quit immediately. So do as I SAY, PUNK!


  9. Pingback: IMAO » Blog Archive » Moon Facts

  10. Where can I vote for you?

    Actually, being Canadian, can you give us a break on our “other country tax”, if we let you use Quebec to calibrate your nukes?



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  14. Had to laugh all the way through! Thanks for this bit of levity.

    But as I thought about your story, it occurred to me that there could be a 2fer possibility.
    How bout we tell libs that they can have the moon, move them there where they can live
    free of conservatives and not have an environment to worry about. Nothing there but moon

    And then, when the colony is fully established, then nuke the moon! Ha ha ha. Jokes on

    Seriously though, your point about being the tough guy no one will mess with has a ring
    of reality to it. I tell my kids that diplomacy has it’s place in resolving conflict. But that
    there will be people they meet that are bullies. They don’t just have a conflict to resolve,
    they have an illness. And the only way to protect yourself is to punch them in the nose, stand
    up to them. Then when the bully realizes there is pain involved in trying to “conquer” this
    weakling, they will decide, in their own best interests, to go bother someone else.

    True of people, true of countries. But alas, now we have a Fearless Reader who is kicking sand
    in the face of the people he supposedly rules. I guess bullying starts at home.


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  19. James,
    The reason Japan hasn’t started any wars since WWII is because we will not allow them to have a military. I don’t even know why Japan is sovereign anymore. We are their military, so they might as well become state #51. Then we can finally get all of our entertainment goods to advance at a higher rate and we can be ahead in the tech race there too. Don’t get me wrong, the best military technology is wonderful, but imagine watching ‘shroom clouds in like 47123985757638p High Definition. Oh, make sure everyone catches the hyperbole. It hates to go unnoticed.


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  23. Damn, Frank! I haven’t been here in awhile, but it’s nice to see that your OLD essay is still pissing hippies off! Keep up the good work!


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  25. “Warmongering pacifists”, eh..? Hey, sheeple, ever heard of “1984”?

    “I just want you to know that, when we talk about war, we’re really talking about peace.” — George W. Bush
    Oceania (commonly called the US and Britain) is at war with Eastasia (a.k.a. Afghanistan & Iraq). Oceania has always been at war with Eastasia.
    Eurasia (commonly called Russia, Pakistan, etc.) is allied with Oceania in war against Afghanistan. Eurasia has always been allied with Oceania.
    “In order to fight terrorism, we must cause it” says Donald Rumsfeld.
    It’s okay that there were no “weapons of mass destruction” in Iraq; that’s not why we went to war. It’s equally okay that there are so many of them in Oceania.
    Oceanias great leader is awarded Nobel Peace Prize, presumably for ensuring peace in Eastasia by keeping his election promise NOT to bring home Oceania troops from Iraq, and by killing potential terrorist-children in Afghanistan.

    The Anti-Terrorism Act ensures US citizens’ freedom by ensuring the FBI’s ability to examine their activities.
    We encourage all true citizens of this country to join Operation TIPS, which, we promise, will help further a free Orwellian society.
    Forget the constitution and outdated ideas about civil liberties; what we need is a reinforced Patriot Act 3. Keep fearing make-believe enemies; it is what holds Oceania united & strong.
    The FBI urges you not to carry almanacs, lest you be labeled a terrorist.

    There is no dissent in this country. Those who disagree with the President are merely confused.
    The New York Times published an excellent piece of doublethink: It is BAD that Al-Jazeera fails to take Oceanian positions seriously. It is GOOD that Oceanian media doesn’t take Foreign positions seriously.
    Government agencies are requesting that government reports be removed from public libraries. We’re pleased to learn that the government has been removing information from websites which do not agree with the current administration’s policies.
    Watch only Fox News and other Minitrue news sources, media not controlled by Oceania Incorporated causes loss of focus and depressions.
    The Civil War will not be taught in US History courses in Georgia.
    It’s okay for the government to lie, according to the General Accounting Office.
    Keep fearing make-believe enemies; it is what holds Oceania united & strong.

    “It does not matter if the war is not real, or when it is, victory is not possible. The war is not meant to be won, it is meant to be continuous, the essential act of modern warfare is the destruction of the produce of human labor. A hierarchal society is only possible on the basis of poverty and ignorance. The war is waged by the ruling group against its subjects, and its object is not victory, but to keep the very structure of society intact.” – George Orwell, from “1984”


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