Does Obama Mean No Awesomeness?

Posted on July 2, 2009 12:07 pm

I know a lot of you are like, “Obama is awesome. He brings hope and change,” but I haven’t been so thrilled because I wanted change to, but the change I want is in military technology. I’ve long argued that what our military needs is to be feared like an angry god, and for that we need space lasers and dinosaurs with rocket launchers on them. And we need to nuke the moon. And while it was plausible to convince Bush of this, I just don’t see Obama going along with it.

I’ll be like, “We really need to resurrect dinosaurs and put rocket launchers on them to keep our military as a modern fighting force.”

And Obama will be like, “But don’t dinosaurs have big teeth. That’s scary. I don’t like scary things.”

And I’ll grab him and shake him and be like, “THAT’S THE POINT! OUR MILITARY NEEDS TO SCARE AND KILL OUR ENEMY, YOU MINCING SISSY!”

And Obama will start crying and be like, “You’re as mean as a dinosaur!”

And I’ll be like, “Obama, baby, why do you make me hurt you?”

So it’s just not going to work with this administration. I don’t know what to do. I guess I could try remarketing those ideas into something Obama might like. I could say things like:

“If we want to convince people that America isn’t imperialist, we need to put rocket launchers on dinosaurs.”

“If we want universal healthcare, first we need a laser that can shoot people from space… for surgical purposes.”

“Nuking the moon will help us peacefully… JUST DO WHAT I TELL YOU, YOU FREAKISHLY-EARED NINNY!”

I can’t do it. These are cool awesome things and I can’t make them sucky to appeal to Obama. I don’t want to sound like some uber-partisan, but I don’t like having a Democrat as president.

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23 Responses to “Does Obama Mean No Awesomeness?”

  1. Emmett says:

    FIRST!

    [Did not Jesus say that he who is first shall be last and he who is last shall be first? -Ed.]

  2. Frye says:

    LAST!

  3. T.N. Amaps says:

    If only we could sneak these items put into a last-minute bill amendment. No one bothers to read those things before a vote anyway.

  4. innominatus says:

    We need to covertly get Ahmadinejad or Chavez or Castro or Li’l Kim or, or, or, to develop devastating dinosaurian laser weapons. ‘Cuz ‘Bama be all cool with that. Then we can send in the SEALs to steal the dinosaurs and use them against our enemies. When we zap some Tollybahn in Helmand Province with the Dinosaurs of Doom and everybody cheers, then Barry will suddenly be OK with the whole thing, because he values his popularity over anything else.

  5. MarkoMancuso says:

    Under Obama, there will never be flyovers at sporting events by F-22 Raptors breaking the sound barrier.

    Elections have consequences.

  6. Socrates H. Obummer says:

    B. Hussy Nobama is a lying sack of turds. Ever notice how he whistles his S’s at the end of words that are supposed to end in a hard S? I think he’s actually an alien reptile of some kind. That’s probably why he doesn’t like dinosaurs being used by the military.

  7. AwesometificAmerican says:

    Actually Obama serves to actually dilute awesome. If you have something that is awesome and give it to him he will tone the awesomeness down to either a blandness or total suckatude.

    For example take a nice, room, heavy, safe, gas chugging SUV. They are cool. They are awesome. Give the SUV to Obama and he either stick a hybrid engine in it (not really reducing gas mileage all that much but decreasing its power making it bland) or hand you back a Prius or Smart Car (total suckatude). I believe the scientific term for Obama is Being a Dick.

    This all has been confirmed by the boys in the lab.

  8. George guy says:

    We also need to devise a way to mount a good strong particle accelerator on a mobile platform, so it can be used as a gun.

    America: Ever wonder what it was like 3 nanoseconds after the Big Bang?
    Ibrahim: There was no Big Bang! Allah created the universe!
    America: Putting that debate aside, this is what it would have been like — BZZAPLOOM!
    Ahmed: Fascinating! I never knew concrete could glow like that. Why does my stomach hurt when I was standing all the way over here?
    America: Check your Geiger counter, dude.
    Ahmed: I do not have one; I spent all my money on my nephews’ martyrdom vests!

  9. IH8Socialist says:

    “Does Obama Mean No Awesomeness?”

    Obama and awesomeness don’t even remotely belong in the same sentence ever. In fact Obama is so unawesome that he anti-awesome. As for America it lost it awesomeness in November 2008. America hopefully will regain some of it’s awesomeness on election day 2012. The day Obozo the former President leaves the whitehouse will be the one of the most awesome days in American history. Most will celebrate that day like a second independence day. The only way things could get awesome right now is if Obama is arrested for not being eligible to be president.

  10. Joey says:

    Awesome, you are correct. Obama was diagnosed with an extremely bad case of Being a Dick. However, as part of the new health care plans, these doctors will no longer be able to practice medicine so the cure they are working on will probably never come to fruition. He’d doomed to be a dick forever.

  11. Plentyobailouts says:

    We could be like, if we don’t have dinosaurs with rocket launchers, the Christians are going to go after women with penisi. maybe he would think about defending his wife?

    Hahahaha what was I thinking.

  12. ussjimmycarter says:

    You are about to get the Barry “stare” if you keep wwriting stuff like this! That means you are a hair’s breath away from a letter from our POtUS of “Deep Disapointment”…double spaced for super awesomeness impact…

  13. ChrisA says:

    Maybe we could tell him we want to find out whether or not we can hug our enemies with nuclear arms?

    Myth: You can’t hug people with nuclear arms

    Myth busted…

  14. DesertElephant says:

    I don’t want to sound like some uber-partisan, but I don’t like having a Democrat as president.

    That’s not uber-partisan, that’s evidence of intelligence.

  15. ILoveMyFreedoms says:

    Does Obama mean no awesomeness? Hmmm… Yep.

    Defense to O means no more than how he’d pronounce it in the Chi: da fence.
    As in, if we’re going to hold hands and kiss communist-socialist-marxist-teroritz butt, we must tear down da fence.

    Obominable.

  16. Awesomeness says:

    This is not the Barack Obama I thought I new.

  17. cjtony97 says:

    What we do is splice together all of the “Land of the Lost” clips of holly riding on a dinosaur and Obama will see them and say, “Hey, dinosaurs aren’t so bad. Go make some.” Then we make the useful kind and strap rockets on them. Problem solved. You’re welcome.

  18. TGWShark says:

    My wife suggests you tell Obama, “Nuking the moon will create a giant comfy dust blanket around the earth, shutting out the sun and ending global warming.”

  19. midwestconservitive says:

    In THE OBAMA’s native Kenyan dialect —OBAMA means –USELESS PILE OF MONKEY TURDS

  20. Son of Bob says:

    So then, you’re Ike and Obama’s Tina?

  21. MarkoMancuso says:

    No, Son of Bob, Michelle is Ike.

  22. The Masked Avenger says:

    Hey, you endorsed him.

  23. Steynian 370 « Free Canuckistan! links:

    […] DOES OBAMA Mean No Awesomeness? …. […]

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