I know a lot of you are like, “Obama is awesome. He brings hope and change,” but I haven’t been so thrilled because I wanted change to, but the change I want is in military technology. I’ve long argued that what our military needs is to be feared like an angry god, and for that we need space lasers and dinosaurs with rocket launchers on them. And we need to nuke the moon. And while it was plausible to convince Bush of this, I just don’t see Obama going along with it.
I’ll be like, “We really need to resurrect dinosaurs and put rocket launchers on them to keep our military as a modern fighting force.”
And Obama will be like, “But don’t dinosaurs have big teeth. That’s scary. I don’t like scary things.”
And I’ll grab him and shake him and be like, “THAT’S THE POINT! OUR MILITARY NEEDS TO SCARE AND KILL OUR ENEMY, YOU MINCING SISSY!”
And Obama will start crying and be like, “You’re as mean as a dinosaur!”
And I’ll be like, “Obama, baby, why do you make me hurt you?”
So it’s just not going to work with this administration. I don’t know what to do. I guess I could try remarketing those ideas into something Obama might like. I could say things like:
“If we want to convince people that America isn’t imperialist, we need to put rocket launchers on dinosaurs.”
“If we want universal healthcare, first we need a laser that can shoot people from space… for surgical purposes.”
“Nuking the moon will help us peacefully… JUST DO WHAT I TELL YOU, YOU FREAKISHLY-EARED NINNY!”
I can’t do it. These are cool awesome things and I can’t make them sucky to appeal to Obama. I don’t want to sound like some uber-partisan, but I don’t like having a Democrat as president.