Mars Attacks

Posted on August 10, 2009 3:06 pm

A monolith had been found on Mars, which means one of two things:

1) Somehow an usual rock formation occurred.

2) Alien civilization.

Occam’s Trent Reznor says the latter is the possibility we must assume is true.

I’ve long said we need to declare war on Mars, and then if we eventually find life we’ll be prepared. It may be too late for that now. Our only option is to nuke the moon and show Mars what we’re capable of. We’ll be like, “This is what happens to large things in range of us!” Then the martians will know their monolith won’t be able to protect them. Unless they have like four monoliths.

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33 Responses to “Mars Attacks”

  1. Ringmaster says:

    Mother of God…

  2. Ed the Pastor says:

    It’s a democrack trick to make us lose our focus…reinstalling the Dick Cheney death squads and dinosaur with laser weaponry. My suspicions were confirmed down in the Bat Cave when I re-re-enlarge the photo and saw graffiti “Barrack + Nancy = ???” Sorry I couldn’t make out the rest, but I’ll keep trying.

  3. Ed Butt says:

    The Martian monolith is obviously the work of a primitive race or perhaps one of the cheeses launched recently by British cheesemakers who wanted to be firt to put cheese in sapce. It’s the people who control Turd Nine From Outer Space we need to be worrying about.

  4. IH8Socialist says:

    It’s a message form the race of aliens that Obama’s from, they’re displeased in his interferance with our race.

  5. Arthur Wallace says:

    Actually, Obama has already dispatched Hillary to meet with the Martians and to apologize for all the racial hatred and atrocities (remember those experiments at Roswell??) that the United States has inflicted on Martians in the past. She will promise a new era of hope and enlightened cooperation between the Obama administration and the Martian race, inviting the aliens to become Obama’s first FFF (Facebook Friends Forever). In exchange he asks full support from the Martians for his health care initiative, including alien technology to undermine the “facist hatemongers trying to disrupt his new world order.” The Martians would, of course be included in the HR 3200 bill, bringing new meaning to the term “Universal Health Care.” It’ll be great.

  6. storm1911 says:

    We need to carefully investigate each and every case like this. Although not a believer myself, we should spend any funds needed to send our top scientists to study every situation with great all efforts. Because if even one thes turns out to be the real, Dere’s boogers out there !!

  7. storm1911 says:

    And we should still nuke the moon, as a matter of principle.

  8. Live Free Or Die says:

    The Martians have a ‘Hybrid’ Martian here on earth. His name is Henry Waxman (formerly known as Bat Boy, in the Weekly World News). Given his voting record, we can be pretty sure that they mean to destroy us.>>> We were lucky to get a photo of the ‘monolith’, for it is a retractable communication antenna, through which the Martians communicate to their hybrids here on earth. I’m pretty sure Deepak Chopra is a hybrid, and he’s so brazen that he didn’t even change his Martian name (at least the pronouncable portion).

  9. Goemagog says:

    what if they’ve allied with monkeys? will armed dinosaurs be enough to save us?

  10. Live Free Or Die says:

    Turd 9 From Outer Space is most assuredly a camoflaged probe from the exiled Saturnian Surrender Monkeys now living on Uranus. They too can have only sinister intentions for Planet Earth. If they ever deduce that they will be Super-Strong, due to the Earth’s lesser gravitational force, compared to both Saturn and Uranus,it will hasten the attack on earth.Our best hope against the Saturnian Surrender Monkeys is to form an alliance with the Jupiterians already at war with the S.S.M.s

  11. Crusty says:

    It’s NOT an alien monolith! It was put there by a Hawaiian!

  12. ussjimmycarter says:

    It’s quite simple really! Evolution! The monolith crawled out of the Mars primordial ooze and now sits waiting to evolve into a life form. We need to just give it another few gazillion years and a probability of chance factor that the new petaflop computer would blow chunks over… Cool!

  13. AR says:

    “Then the martians will know their monolith won’t be able to protect them. Unless they have like four monoliths.”

    It’s not that I don’t trust you, but I’d like to see the math on this.

  14. Chuck says:

    what if they’ve allied with monkeys?

    What if? For the love of god man, did you not see 2001? Of course they’re allied with monkeys. Liberal eyeball eating ones at that. Only on way to be sure…

    Go ahead Frank, push the button.

  15. T.N. Amaps says:

    Could be an illegal alien civilization, leaving their monolithic litter scattered about the martian wasteland. Perhaps Mars needs to erect a fence like Saturn did.

  16. cptnmoroni says:

    It’s not a monolith, you guys. Sheesh. It’s a box of Cheerios I sent by FedEx last week. We’re going to Mars for a trip next month and they don’t have any Cheerios and I didn’t want to be without on my vacation.

    So put down the nukes, Frank. Anyone who nukes my Cheerios will be put in time out. I’ll let you have them back when you calm down.

  17. Plentyobailouts says:

    Little green invader from chicargo: Take me to your leader

    present hussein: Uh er Uh that would be me, if you will shutup and get out of the way.

    Little green invader: Hhahahahahaha,

    jorhay soros: Uh no zat would be mea. You will erect him now. I say so.

  18. Kristopher says:

    AR: It’s not that I don’t trust you, but I’d like to see the math on this.

    At least I have chicken.

  19. Lily says:

    Mars-henge is kinda wimpy compared to Stonehenge. And we don’t know who built that or why either. Maybe Mars-henge was a practice run and Stonehenge the real deal. Or maybe it started as Mars-henge and they shipped the rocks to Stonehenge but got tired of that and left the last one behind. As in “Honey if you think I am packing one more rock, you have another think coming!”

  20. Lily says:

    Hey maybe Geraldo Rivera can go investigate and see if it is Jimmy Hoffa’s remains.

  21. innominatus says:

    Let’s see if the governator’s hand fits it first. Then nuke. Repeat as necessary.

  22. Chuck says:

    Awww….c’mon y’all. Any MST3000 fanboys or girls out there? I mean:

    “Go ahead Frank, push the button”?

  23. Veeshir says:

    It’s not that I don’t trust you, but I’d like to see the math on this.

    Okay, that made me laugh.

  24. slapout says:

    Could be a promotion for a new movie. (“Mars needs a tax break” maybe)

  25. MarkoMancuso says:

    If Fred Thompson can throw pork-spending Democrats into the Sun (as Frank documented months ago), then he’ll do the same to Mars.

  26. MarkoMancuso says:

    So, Frank, how much is Axelrod paying you to moderate comments that contain references to Teh Fred(!)?

  27. razed by mice says:

    So is it a giant symbolic penis or are they flipping us off or both?

    I say nuke the bastards either way–I don’t like their attitude.

    (Ok–I kind of admire them, but….)

  28. midwestconservative says:

    The answer is obvious: It’s George Bush that put that monolith on mars (it’s an antenna) to help with illegal tapping of wireless communications. So THE OBAMA can go ahead and blame Bush for this also!

  29. Burt says:

    Has anyone checked with Tom Cruise to see if L. Ron had any thoughts or explanations for the mortals?

  30. Live Free Or Die says:

    The Governator says, “It’s not a Monolith, It’s a tumor!’

  31. Dave M says:

    I didn’t watch the video, but how come the picture is of Mars, but Aldrin’s talking about Deimos?

  32. Robin says:

    All I have to say on this is:

    Ack ack, ack ack ack ack. Ack, ack ack. ack, ack ack ack.

  33. mojo says:

    “Dibs” on any hot Martian Princesses we run across…

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