Aliens Are Messing Up Our Nuclear Fun?

Posted on September 30, 2010 3:05 pm

Some people are claiming that aliens are deactivating our nuclear weapons. Isn’t that exactly the sort of thing that makes people hate aliens? That and the chest bursting.

I have no idea what this will mean for nuking the moon. Maybe they like the moon and won’t want us nuking it. And then what’s next? Them deactivating our fists before they can punch hippies?

I don’t like aliens. If aliens ever make contact with us, we should act like their friends but keep sneezing on them the whole time so maybe they’ll all die like in War of the Worlds. So leave Earth alone; we like nuking stuff and we don’t like aliens.

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24 Responses to “Aliens Are Messing Up Our Nuclear Fun?”

  1. zzyzx says:

    Oh no seƱor…we don’t want to mess weeth your stinkin’ nukes. We just want to smuggle dope and collect the welfare payments and do the jobs you Americanos don’t want to do….the Aliens, sneaking across a border near you.

  2. Ric Locke says:

    Nah. They’re just looking around. The effect of alien ships on Earth technology is well known. In my youth I used to hear all kinds of stories about cars crapping out when the ships went by out on the plains of West Texas.

    So the aliens stop by for a look and everything on the ground quits. Then they all go “Oh, how quaint! I’m so glad I took this tour, it’s really great to see primitive civilizations in their natural habitat!” When they leave everything goes back to normal, sort of like when a Carnival Lines ship leaves some Caribbean port.

    What we need to do is figure out how to sell them souvenir statues of Earth goddesses like Lady Gaga and drinks with pineapple in and little umbrellas. Then we can steal their credit cards and buy our own warp ship and start putting our nuclear weapons where they’ll do the most good, like using them for alien dildos.


  3. innominatus says:

    I rarely wash my hands after picking my nose, so let me be the first to shake the aliens’ hands/tentacles/whatever.

  4. storm1911 says:

    Somewhere in here is a nuking the moon and anal probe joke, butt I just don’t want to go there. There , done my 8th grade joke for the day.

  5. Genghis Khen says:

    I seem to recall a certain Happy Days episode where this alien named Mork, who happened to be from Ork, was able to freeze the Fonz in a fight. So, it seems as though aliens already possess the technology to stop us from punching hippies. In fact, the Fonz seems like a classic hippie puncher if there ever was one.

  6. EnemyoftheState says:

    Wanting to deactivate our nuclear weapons is one of the reasons I don’t like liberals.

  7. Burmashave says:

    Must be liberal aliens. If they were conservative aliens, they would have already destroyed all our nuclear weapons. Somewhere on another planet, some wimpy liberal leader is telling his people, “Our sanctions on remote planet earth are already having an effect.”

  8. DamnCat says:

    We need an official welcoming committee who are prepared to give the aliens some really nasty diseases.

    I’m thinking Paris Hilton, Pamela Anderson and Barney Frank.

  9. Veeshir says:

    Geez, I didn’t realize Star Trek was a documentary.

  10. Veeshir says:

    My comment with no links is awaiting moderation?

    Listen, if you don’t want my comments just tell me, I’ve been kicked out of better blogs than this.

  11. Son of Bob says:

    Well, David Icke believes that the moon is really a giant alien spacecraft from which the aliens have been observing us. Perhaps they’ve heard of a website that advocates nuking the moon…hence, it would make sense they’d be busy deactivating nuclear weapons.

  12. innominatus says:

    Veeshir – happens to me with annoying regularity also. One of the reasons my comment volume is way down from what it used to be. No links, no cussing, but still modded.

  13. MarkoMancuso says:

    Innominatus, ask Frank to moderate your comments for you (In another comment) when this happens.. You’re a nice guy; not like that Veeshir.

  14. Veeshir says:

    I’m not a nice guy?

    Jeez, I haven’t thrown rocks at the nursing home in weeks.

    What’s a guy gotta do?

    As I think about it, I have to say this story seems a little fishy.

    Niven has a story about aliens coming to Earth and just hanging out with us.
    For various reasons they explain they found us around 1940 or so and filmed WWII for the home audience.

    “It was great, an unbelievable worldwide conflict culminating in the destruction of two cities in thermo-nuclear fire! Highest ratings ever!”

    Heck, if Fox or Spike or VS had a chance to send cameras to another world to watch a bunch of aliens blow each other up, well, “Beam me up Scotty.”
    Talk about reality TV.

    Eh, I hope someone’s watching us and enjoying the hilarity.
    Someone who doesn’t have to worry about how when teh funny stops, it’ll be all endy.

  15. MarkoMancuso says:

    Veeshir, I have heard that Patton is Chuck Norris to the aliens. Patton believed in reincarnation. Maybe on some little planet there’s a man with a Virginia accent shooting at a communist. Maybe somewhere.

  16. Veeshir says:

    I’m really rooting for reincarnation myself.
    Maybe I can meet him sometime and shoot some commies with him.

    That’d be cool.

    And we could tell FrnakJ his request is in moderation.

    Bwahahahahahhaa. That’ll learn him.

    Crap, I think I just blew some karma. Oh well. It’s back to 4 legs for me.

  17. RAML says:

    ok, maybe I’m missing something. Didn’t the UN appoint somebody or planned to appoint somebody to be the first contact to Aliens who can shut down nukes? or something.

  18. Burmashave says:

    Gosh Marko, we can dream, can’t we?

  19. 4of7 says:
    So much news about ‘Aliens’ this week!
    This could be the ‘October Surprise’ to beat all October surprises.

  20. Burmashave says:

    Speaking of shooting commies in Virginia, did everyone catch the new Dale Peterson ad? Astute observers will note that he’s properly armed for duck with the over/under instead of the 30-30.

    I vote that we elect Dale Peterson as official alien ombudsman.

  21. ussjimmycarter says:

    I can no longer concentrate on anything. Hollywood is re-doing True Grit and Jeff Bridges is playing Rooster Cogburn! That cut’s it for me! America is like totally in the $hitter if we have now decided to remake John Wayne movies with Jeff Bridges in the lead! You can’t remake John Wayne movies without John Wayne! That’s why they are John Wayne movies! I suppose in this new “version” Rooster will go “Brokeback Mountain” on some other cowboy at some point in the movie. Or maybe he and the Chinese guy are lovers… I can’t take it any more!

  22. MarkoMancuso says:

    Ussjc, as Admiral Greer told Jack Ryan, that’s only the half of it!

    There is only one True Grit. I say this because the new version “stars” Matt Damon. Matt Damon! I have never felt such disgust. Where is the ginger ale and the saltines?

  23. Veeshir says:

    Matt Damon is playing a Texas Ranger?

    I take it that it’s now okay to mess with Texas.

  24. TGregg says:

    What? Not only can we NOT keep aliens from crossing the borders, now we can’t even keep `em out of our missile silos? I mean, how incompetent can our government really be? . . . heh. . . guess that’s one of them there rhetorical questions. . . everybody but libs already know how incompetent our government really is. . .

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