Compassionate Nuking

Posted on October 13, 2008 12:04 pm

I don’t think other nations are fearing us enough. If Barack Obama is elected president, no evil nation is going to worry about us.

So we’re going to have to nuke a city.

Can’t we just nuke the moon?

No. Nuking the moon was meant to be a preventative measure to sissiness. If we have a full onset of sissiness, though, the only way we can get evil foreigners to know we’re serious is to nuke one of their cities.

But won’t that kill lots of people, many of them innocent?

No. See, this is where everyone is stupid except for me. You need to think outside the box with nuclear weapons. What we’re going to do is have a free concert for our enemies like Madonna or something — who knows what murderous terrorists like — and the concert will be a ways out of the city. Everyone will go to is because it’s free and the only other thing they have to entertain themselves with is to throw rocks at each other. So they’ll go and enjoy the concert and when they get back home they’ll find a big smoldering crater where their city used to be with a sign in front of it saying, “Ha! You got nuked! Signed, America.” They’ll shake their fists in the air and shout angrily, “America!” but, in the end, no one gets hurt so it’s all good fun.

But won’t the Democrats be against this?

Of course; that’s why you don’t tell them. If you’re going to nuke a city, the last thing you’d want to do is tell any Democrats because they’ll just whine and bitch and moan about it. That’s where we get the old military saying from: “Democrats are useless and annoying.”

Anyway, better get on this quick. It can be President Bush’s last act as president if Barack Obama is elected.

“Hey, Barry. Here’s the keys to the White House. By the way, I just nuked a city. Have fun.”

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19 Responses to “Compassionate Nuking”

  1. Kent says:

    Nah. You’re forgetting something. If Madonna gives a concert outside the city, the best place to nuke would be the concert, not the city. Normal people will stay home. Nutjobs will go out to the concert. If that’s 95 percent of the population, well, cool. You just gave the 5 percent of the city who are conservatives a whole city of free stuff.

    The only trouble with nuking madonna is that the weapon would have to be at least 50 megatons. Otherwise is may disappear into her vagina and never be heard from again. Or potentially return home wimpering with its tail between its legs and needing therapy.

    All in favor of snukking Madonna?

  2. ussjimmycarter says:

    I agree that the military must be very
    careful to enable this nuke with it’s highly
    developed “anti-skank”technology first
    drawn-up after a visit to the pentagon
    by all females in the Clinton cabinet.

  3. Son of Bob says:

    Have to agree with Kent, with one exception. I don’t believe Madonna has a vagina. I keep seeing pictures of that skank and if that’s not a drag queen, I don’t know what is.

  4. cataalex says:

    “Hey, Barry. Here’s the keys to the White House. By the way, I just nuked a city. Have fun.”

    This would have to be the best Line ever Frank!!!!

  5. cptnmoroni says:

    But Frank – many of us want to kill lots of innocent people. If we can do some massive, completely irrational piece of violence with a really high body count, it will remind other countries to not irritate us. They’ll be all, “excuse me, America, for allowing any of the sand from our loser country to wash over the ocean and land on your beaches. I’ll be right over to renumerate anyone who had to look at the offending grain of sand and I’ll also clean it up with my tongue, if necessary” and then we’ll just laugh.

    I would suggest that we have President Bush go on live television with a map behind him and a bunch of darts and a blindfold and start pickinig targets. Then, he should bomb not the cities he hit with the darts but the cities next door just to show how crazy and violent America can be.

    Nothing inspires respect and fear like a random nuclear holocaust.

  6. THE BOMB!!! says:

    Also, nuking civilian areas will get rid of a lot of this surplus real estate and restore price stability to the housing market.

  7. Master Shake says:

    Could he just nuke D.C. during Obamuhhh’s inauguration? That would be the most effective way to kill a vast number of America’s enemies with a single nuke….

  8. Sulamie says:

    Thanks Frank, I needed that laugh!

    Oh and is there any way we can start with my neighborhood? We’re being overrun by Obama signs and my children have run out of air soft pellets. To top it off someone stole our McCain/Palin yard sign last night. ARGH. Just give me a head’s up so I can get my family to safety first.

  9. cataalex says:

    Talk about yard signs!!! They say that Obama and McCain are tied here in Ohio. I took a road trip from the Middle of the state down to Cincinnati the other day( on the back country roads and into some major cities). If yard signs are any indication then it’s going to go 20-1 in favor of McCain. Unless the Messiah’s children are afraid to put yard signs out although, they are not afraid to steal McCain/Palin yard signs. Maybe they are afraid to commit to someone who is definately an Obamination!!!!!!

  10. Jimmy says:

    Or, uncompassionate nuking.

  11. Davon says:

    Hey, I like it! The Clinton’s stole W’s off of keyboards as a way of welcoming the new President. Bush nukes a city or two just a couple of minutes before Obama takes the oath of office. Hey, what a great way to haze the new president!

  12. MarkoMancuso says:

    I take back the comment where I called you a pansy.

  13. innominatus says:

    The prevailing wisdom is that nuking Japan ended the war and saved many lives on both sides. That was compassionate. Our modern nukes are much more powerful and much more accurate, and therefore much more compassionate. We need to begin dropping these compassion bombs right away, if for no other reason than to improve our image in the global community. Show the world that America is, indeed, very compassionate.

  14. Eros says:

    Sulamie…the next sign you put up, I recommend planting a few grenades, then tying the stakes to the grenade pins. The only downside is the toxic clean-up of over-the-hill hippie guts. My sister has the same problem…she lives in an upscale town that was recently overrun by Lexus Liberals. Aren’t liberals so tolerant and mindful of free speech?!?

  15. Eros says:


    How about if we just nuke San Francisco? That would put the fear of God into everybody. It would show them that we’re tired of our own enemy within, and if we’re crazy enough to detonate a nuke on our own country, then it shows we have no fear of turning any 3rd world dung heaps into oversized glass sculptures.

  16. cincinnati_bob says:

    I like it. How about enhancing it a bit though. The Oval Office has a big wheel of fortune installed wiht the names of Every Middle Eastern city in enemy countries – Iran, Syria, Saudia Arabia, Lebanon, Palestine, etc.

    Then whenever some whackjob blows themself up along with even one innocent person, GWB will spin the wheel of fortune… thwap, thwap, thwap….thwap…..doink – Oh, it’s Tehran ! 24 hours later, a sufficient number of Nuklar ICBM’s rain down on Tehran. Sooner or later – no place left for terrorists to do anything but cook a squirrel in a cave and try to make a weapon out of the leg bones.

  17. 4 of 7 says:

    fasten the next sign high up on a lamppost in your neighborhood. Make the thieves work for it!

  18. NunyaB says:

    I thought this was a great idea…when I proposed it last month.

  19. Sulamie says:

    You know 4 of 7 – that might be possible! My husband has a HUGE pole with a hook he attached on the end that he uses to put up Christmas lights along our roof. I could see him using this device to implement your idea.

    To add insult to injury there was an “official Democratic voting guide” attached to my front door handle this morning.

    I think someone is messing with us.

    Eros how do I get a hold of those grenades?

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