Archive of entries posted on 1st October 2008
No bias here, move along . . .
A Story Bit by Bit
Hellbender: Chapter 40 – Rescue
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Chapters 1 – 39 Archive
Charlene did not like to think of herself as a risk-taker, but there was something she loved about setting explosives. There was something just fascinating about so much destructive power sitting so calmly in a little package.
Still, she wished she wouldn’t have to set off the explosives. Their Plan B was a bit unsettling, to say the least. Still, she tried to have faith.
“Bows are on the kitties,” she said into her transmitter. The code phrase Lulu assigned for the task was actually “pink bows are on the fluffy kitties,” but Charlene would only play along with that idiocy so far.
She checked her black uniform and decided the bit of blood wasn’t very noticeable. She then left the maintenance room and walked as calmly through the hallways as she could while waiting for all hell to break loose.
* * * *
“Just got word from Charlene,” Bryce said.
“I got it to.” Lulu was busy at a console in the empty lab. “She didn’t use the proper code phrase. She is _not_ a team player and one of these days she is going to betray us for real.”
“I’d bet on her side if that happens.”
“Well, she won’t take you on her side, so you’re stuck with us… or just me until we get Doug back.”
Colette sighed and looked around the lab with disinterest. “What are we doing here? And where’s your other girl?”
“You don’t have the proper Hellbender security clearance to know that.” Lulu finished at the console and a panel popped open near Bryce. She turned to Colette. “Right now, though, your membership into the Hellbender fan club has been accepted. That comes with a hat and sticker fun pack — which I don’t have on me right now because of poor planning — and an official Hellbender fan club membership pin which I do happen to have.” Lulu took a pin out of her pocket and put it on Colette’s combat jacket.
Colette looked down at it. “It’s a kitty.”
“Everyone loves kitties — just like everyone loves Hellbender!”
Bryce finished checking the contents of the metal case he took from the panel and closed it. “I don’t like kitties.”
Lulu spun towards him. “YOU SHUT UP! I HOPE YOU DIE!” She then looked back at Colette. “Anyway, people don’t make pins of salamanders unless you special order them, so right now we’re using kitty pins.”
Colette looked unamused. “I get this feeling, Ms. Lui, that you don’t take invading a fortified enemy building very seriously.”
Lulu looked offended. “I wore a bra for this.”
“Anyway, let’s go get Doug.” Bryce headed for the door with Lulu while carrying the case.
Colette followed. “I assume what you have there is important.”
“We may find out,” Bryce answered.
“And your plan right now is to simply walk up to the detention area and free your friend?”
“That’s about it.” Bryce checked the hallway. “You might want to make yourself a bit scarce for this part as you kinda stick out.” He turned back towards Colette and saw no one there. “Oh.” Bryce continued down the hallway and whispered to Lulu. “Is it worth mentioning I don’t trust her?”
“Well I told her all my darkest secrets and gave her my money to hold for me.” She touched her glasses as she focused on the building layout they were displaying. “This way.”
They headed down another hallway, seeing some staff up ahead. “What are you–”
“Government business,” Lulu snapped, not giving them a second look as she and Bryce walked by. They soon came to a room with a number of monitors that was at the entry to the detention area. Inside were about five staff who looked like security and one sorry looking prisoner with his hands bound behind his back. “Surprise inspection!” Lulu announced, flashing her credentials. “Surprise!”
“What? We’re supposed to have twenty-four hours notice for a surprise inspection,” said the man who appeared to be in charge.
Lulu sighed. “That’s the lamest rule I’ve ever heard… but we gave you notice, Mr. Ballinger.”
“No you didn’t,” he said. “And my name is Trask.”
“I didn’t ask for your name!” Lulu gave him her furious face. “And you got notice!”
Trask checked his computer. “Oh… well… it’s only been twenty-two hours notice.”
Lulu rolled her eyes. “Fine. I guess we can just stand here for two hours then. Get me a soda.”
“You can start,” Trask said, “but what are you looking for? Ronove doesn’t like people messing with his program.”
Lulu pushed Trask aside to get at a computer. She checked the prisoner list, and there were about a dozen IDs but no actual names to any of them.
“Are you going to have to check on any prisoners?” Trask asked.
“Yes.” Lulu pointed to the prisoner in the room with them. “We’ll talk to this one. We’ll need a room alone to question him.”
“About what?”
“We don’t care if you pour scalding water on him just for laughs,” Bryce assured Trask. “Regulations just say we have to question one of the prisoners alone; doesn’t even say we have to record what he says. We’re not here to mess up whatever Ronove has going on.”
“Fine.” Trask led them to a nearby room. “You can talk to him in here. This won’t take long, will it?”
“Not if we can help it.” Lulu led Bryce and the prisoner into the room and shut the door.
The prisoner looked more curious of Bryce and Lulu than scared. “So… you wouldn’t happen to know a dullish sort named Doug, would you?” Bryce asked.
“You’re Hellbender!” he shouted.
“Indoor voice,” Lulu warned.
He was ecstatic. “He said you would come, but I could hardly believe it. My name is Chimezie. I am part of Hellbender too. Doug has made us all here imprisoned with him part of Hellbender and says you will help us get out of here.”
Lulu turned to Bryce and whispered. “You want to tell him or should I that Doug doesn’t have that authority.”
Bryce looked to Chimezie. “I have to say this is all news to us, but… um… our official stance isn’t against everyone here getting freed. Anyway, we need to know where Doug is.”
“I don’t know. I heard people come get him from his cell just a little while ago. I don’t know where they were taking him. It didn’t sound like the usual guards.”
Bryce sighed. “Nothing is ever easy.”
“What’s-your-name,” Lulu ordered Chimezie, “look all sad and prisonery for us.”
Lulu and Bryce led Chimezie out of the room to see that everyone outside was dead except for Colette who stood using one of the computers. “I got tired of waiting,” she said without looking at them. “Who’s that?”
“He’s part of the Hellbender International,” Bryce answered.
“I would not trust this one,” Chimezie whispered to Bryce and Lulu. “She appears to be one of the demon’s evil servants.”
“That’s racist,” Lulu said. She looked to Colette. “Apparently some people have already taken Doug. He’s a popular guy.”
Colette put her finger to her ear. “My people see him. They should have him in a moment.”
“Oh… well yay us then… I guess.” Lulu noticed Chimezie was awkwardly bending back towards one of the dead bodies, trying to get the keys to his cuffs. “Bryce, you want to help him?”
Bryce helped get the keys, but then Lulu noticed Colette’s expression had changed.
“Darius is with him.” Colette started to leave the room. “They’ll need my help.”
“We’ll come with.” Lulu headed after her.
Bryce got Chimezie’s cuffs off and followed, turning to Chimezie as he left saying, “Good luck with the freeing everybody. Hope that works out.”
“Thank you!” he called back happily. “And may God be with you, Hellbender!”
“He better not be.” Lulu was now running to keep up with Colette. “We already have too many members.”
Meanwhile In Joe Biden’s Anxiety Closet
With the Vice Presidential debate on October 2nd, you just know Joe Biden’s wetting himself in terror, because there’s no way he comes out of this looking classy. Either he beats a girl or he gets beaten by a girl, so he has to choose between looking like a bully or pansy, neither of which looks good on a political resume (just ask John Edwards).
But before the outcome, there is the process of the debate, and lurking in the longest 90 minutes of Biden’s life are his deepest, darkest fears…
* Palin will mistake his hair plugs for antlers and he’ll wind up on her trophy wall.
* He’ll gaffe on a softball foreign policy question because he was too busy fantasizing about being Palin’s microphone.
* Just before the debate, he’ll be forced to smack himself in the head with a hammer to get that stupid “Sing for Change” song out of his head:
* Maybe it’s just nerves, but he can’t shake the feeling that he’s gonna get creamed in the swimsuit competition.
* When he looks at his wrist to read the name off HIS soldier’s bracelet, he’ll mispronounce “Made in China”.
* Not knowing whether, after the debate, he’s expected to shake hands with Palin or rub noses.
* “Oh God, PLEASE don’t let me tell Gwen Ifill to ‘stand up‘”.
* “Or say ‘it’s great to be here in Kansas City‘.”
* The haunting question: if he strikes Sarah Palin down, will she become more powerful than he can possibly imagine?
* Knowing that his face will look weirdly rainbow-colored to the television audience as the stage lights prism off his flop-sweat.
Worst of all, he’s got to go through this whole thing knowing that Obama’s sitting at home, white-knuckling the arms of his recliner trying to keep himself from calling Hillary.
Holiday greetings from guest blogger Sheik Allah Moad . . .
Getting You to Eat Crap
So now we find out that the VP debate moderator has a book praising Obama coming out, marking yet someone else in the media in the tank for the Democrats. Do you ever begin to wonder how Republican ever used to get elected at all back when they didn’t have any alternative media? Back when there was no blogs or radio or cable news and it was just the networks and the newspapers? I guess the Republican ideas are just that much appealing that they survive despite all the media being against them.
It’s like you’re hungry, and the Democrats are like, “Here; eat some crap. Yummy crap. Mmm.” The Republicans, on the other hand, have cheeseburgers. Sometimes they’re really good cheeseburgers you get at a sit-down restaurant that is like a steak between two slices of bread, but more often than not it’s just McDonald’s cheeseburgers. Occasionally, it’s like those White Castle burgers — but not the ones you get at the restaurant — the ones you get in the freezer section. They’re barely better than crap. And once I saw this cheeseburger that came in a can and just disgusted me to even look at it and, frankly, I’d rather eat crap than it (that’s Hagel).
Anyway, I’m getting off topic. The point is you’re hungry and the Democrats have crap for you to eat and the Republicans have cheeseburgers, and if they were put them side by side it’s pretty obvious you’d want the cheeseburger to eat — though maybe not that particular one that was sitting next to the crap (which leads into a discussion of bipartisanship which I’ll save for another day).
But the thing is, here’s what you’re constantly told in the media:
“Yay! Crap tastes so great! Everyone loves eating crap!”
“The new choice of smart people: Tasty tasty crap.”
“All the trendy Hollywood types are eating crap and they’re loving it.”
And if cheeseburgers gets a mention it’s like:
“News report: Cheeseburgers give you cancer. Scientist recommend eating crap instead.”
“Only stupid hillbillies like eating cheeseburgers when they could be eating yummy crap.”
“New scientific study explores why fear and mistrust causes some people to eat cheeseburgers when they have perfectly tasty crap to eat.”
And then in all the TV shows and movies everybody is eating crap and talking about how tasty it is, and anyone portrayed eating a cheeseburger is shown to be stupid or evil. Plus, we keep hearing about how all the countries in Europe have even stinkier crap and they just love eating it and make fun of us stupid cheeseburger-eating Americans.
Plus, everyone is now talking up this new crap that’s green in color. “You might have thought you didn’t like crap before, but you’ll love this new green crap! Everyone is going to eat it right up! Everyone loves it!”
So, you can see how some people might think, “Well, maybe I should try this crap instead of cheeseburger today. Maybe I’m just missing something.” Still, despite all the media attempts to confuse people, at the end of the day most people are going to say, “That’s crap and that’s a cheeseburger. I don’t eat crap; I eat cheeseburgers.”
And that’s why Republicans win.
Well… in other election years.
Daily Rage Against the Machine Lyrics
NOTE: To get the full of effect of Rage Against the Machine lyrics, imagine an angry thirteen-year-old shouting them as that’s a good analog for the lead singer.
Those who died are justified, for wearing the badge and your chosen whites
You justify those that died by wearing the badge and your chosen whites
Those who died are justified, for wearing the badge and your chosen whites
You justify those that died by wearing the badge and your chosen whites
Come on!
-Killing in the Name