With the Vice Presidential debate on October 2nd, you just know Joe Biden’s wetting himself in terror, because there’s no way he comes out of this looking classy. Either he beats a girl or he gets beaten by a girl, so he has to choose between looking like a bully or pansy, neither of which looks good on a political resume (just ask John Edwards).
But before the outcome, there is the process of the debate, and lurking in the longest 90 minutes of Biden’s life are his deepest, darkest fears…
* Palin will mistake his hair plugs for antlers and he’ll wind up on her trophy wall.
* He’ll gaffe on a softball foreign policy question because he was too busy fantasizing about being Palin’s microphone.
* Just before the debate, he’ll be forced to smack himself in the head with a hammer to get that stupid “Sing for Change” song out of his head:
* Maybe it’s just nerves, but he can’t shake the feeling that he’s gonna get creamed in the swimsuit competition.
* When he looks at his wrist to read the name off HIS soldier’s bracelet, he’ll mispronounce “Made in China”.
* Not knowing whether, after the debate, he’s expected to shake hands with Palin or rub noses.
* “Oh God, PLEASE don’t let me tell Gwen Ifill to ‘stand up‘”.
* “Or say ‘it’s great to be here in Kansas City‘.”
* The haunting question: if he strikes Sarah Palin down, will she become more powerful than he can possibly imagine?
* Knowing that his face will look weirdly rainbow-colored to the television audience as the stage lights prism off his flop-sweat.
Worst of all, he’s got to go through this whole thing knowing that Obama’s sitting at home, white-knuckling the arms of his recliner trying to keep himself from calling Hillary.
Oh, I don’t know, seemed like a good save to me . . . bwahahahahahahaha. . .
* He loathes that she’ll play Mozart on the flute during the debate and all he’s can do is play “Little Brown Jug” on the Potato.
* He knows Hillary isn’t at home during the debate. She’s back stage in the Green Room holding a GAFFE (GAF) HOOK.
* He’ll be changing his shorts right before he comes out but it won’t make any difference. He’ll fill ’em shortsly.
* If Palin mentions his remark on FDR on TV in 1929, he plans to pull a Gerald Ford-like remark: “Ah… I was told there would be no History.”
(for those of you who don’t know what a Potato is, it’s a small, ceramic instrument you blow into that makes a hollow flutey sound – perfect for Liberal politicians.)
Welcome back Harvey! We missed your insight, Happy Birthday and we want our first batch of News Fakery no later than early tomorrow morning. Got that!?!
Joe Biden has been diagnosed with the following:
dinguphobia Afraid he’ll look less like Monty Burns and more like The Bumblebee Guy.
geicophobia Scared he’s been paying too much for car insurance.
punchyaphobia Also afraid that freecreditreport.com will make another tv ad
freedophobia Fear that somewhere, a dollar has not been taxed to it’s fullest extent
slasherphobia Fear that Hillary is waiting backstage in a hockey mask and carrying a butcher knife
smotherphobia Fear that Obama’s ears will somehow come loose and cover the land in perpetual darkness. Those things are HUGE!
Too much fun, Captain (and Harvey) !!
plagiaristaphobia – Fear of plagiarising people without realizing it because you’ve never had an original though of your own.
standupaphobia – Fear that when you ask someone to stand up, they won’t. “Stand up Chuck. Stand up Chuck. Stand up Chuck…”
roaringtwentiesphobia – Fear that the TV wasn’t invented when FDR wasn’t president.
hairplugaphobia – Fear that your hair plug will shine and start to move on its own.
stinkyphobia – Fear that others can smell your dirty shorts or realize you’re from Scranton.
uranusaphobia – Fear of visiting Uranus without advocating that paying higher taxes is patriotic.
The “more powerful than you can possibly imagine” bit had me snorting with glee. I love glee.
The biggest threat is that Ifill and Biden will feed each other’s delirium so much that it will come off as a self-parody rivaling anything that happens In Frank’s World. Crashing through Putin’s living room on a snowmobile like a backwoods James Bond will seem quaint in comparison to the Obamessiah’s hand-picked televangelist preaching the Hopechange while Ifill swoons. She may even forget to ask questions.
Gwen: Obama’s so sexy…
Biden: Yeah, isn’t he?
Gwen: Like… whew.
Biden: Is there anything you’d like to know about him?
Gwen: Actually, no. I wrote a book about him – going to be coming out soon. So yeah, I’m good on that.
[pause]
Biden: I’ve got the name of one of our brave soldiers serving overseas here on my wrist! Lessee… “Track Palin.” Aw hell…
Great to have you back in the saddle, Harvey.
Yay! Harvey’s back!
The “Joe Biden as a moose” thing is making its rounds … and I thought I was being so clever! Darn. Oh well, I have one:
* Don’t tell the story about Teddy Roosevelt fighting Jenjis Kahn in 1812
Palin will mistake his hair plugs for antlers and he’ll wind up on her trophy wall.
I had to clean my monitor off after that one.
If Biden is stuck in the Senate voting, could they replace him with Walter the dummy?
I love the Red State Update comment on this – http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UPSzQJK86Wo . Even though I love Palin and have a lot of faith in her, this video is one of the funniest things I’ve ever seen. Funny how two rednecks can be 100 times funnier than SNL.
Who cares about this election. It already belongs to the Dems. We need to get ready for 2012 and it should be Mitt Romney not Palin. Palin has already lost this election for Republicans everywhere. Her stupidity = FAIL
look what I found
http://totallylookslike.com/2008/10/01/joe-biden-totally-looks-like-walter/#comments
Oh man! You used the FAIL word! And that is the hottest phrase on the interwebs right now! You are so friggin cool! Damn, I wish I was you!
There ya go!
RyanSims – when you talk about Sarah Palin’s “stupidity”, do you actually have anything to back it up with or are you just rooting for the Cubs/White Sox and pretending to have a brain cell?
Regarding that last fear…
Did you see that weird hue that Biden’s face was tonight? I don’t know if there’s a word in English for that color. It’s somewhere between George Hamiliton and Kerry’s freaky Jackolatern-like visage.
My guess is that this guy is actually a zombie, trying to get the last-minute zombie vote. They say the dead vote Democratic, no?
Ok, I get the reference re John Edwards being a pansy and how that isn’t good in politics. I am just trying to understand how he could ever be considered a bully. His handlers may have been but the concept of the Silky Pony as a bully causes my brain to reboot.
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