Joe Biden ready to be Vice President of the Hair Club For Men

I remember that Frank Luntz’s focus group was pretty split but leaning towards Obama when asked who won the first presidential debate. Results are different this time:

(hat tip Hot Air)

Now is a good time to mention once again I have Palin merchandise for you to buy.

Frank’s so nervous his stomach is in knots.

“Hey, can I call you Joe? Thanks!” Hahaha.

Who cares about what Senator Biden says unless he’s a total jerk, right? Sarah does well with her first question, and I’m so glad she pointed out that McCain was shouting about Fannie and Freddie two years ago, but she should have been harder on the attack.

Second question: not answered, because Biden wants to respond, and in her response to his response, she is charming and winking.

Third question about whose fault it is. Governor Palin missed a huge opportunity there to point out the Democratic congressmen involved with Freddie and Fannie, and I won’t forgive her easily for that. She did straighten out Biden on the thing about the American workers being strong (I’ve heard that one before, and I’m kind of okay with it, but let’s just be serious — it’s spin, nothing more).

Biden is on about deregulation. NAIL HIM ON THE GOVERNMENT REGULATION THAT PUT US IN THIS SITUATION. I’m sorely disappointed she’s not going on about it. Yes, reduce taxes, great. Yes, keep mentioning the small business, but hit him on the CRA! Do it now!

Biden: Socialism is fairness. Palin: You like redistribution of wealth! Government needs to keep out of our pockets and our way, because we see what a great job they do running things, right? Good job, Sarah! I will soon forgive you for not bringing up the Fannie/Freddie thing and the CRA.

Palin is engaging Biden directly, and that’s exactly what she needs to do to pull him into a mega-gaffe. He looks tireder tonight than Fred Thompson ever did in the debates, so he’s bound to crack or fall asleep soon.

Palin sounds like a genius on energy. Joy Behar will probably switch to saying her earrings were wrong since she can’t call her dumb. Wait, who am I kidding? Behar would call Einstein dumb if he disagreed with her on anything (and he WOULD, because he’s freaking EINSTEIN). The earrings are classy and simple, by the way. If she were wearing those soul-crushing giant hoops, we’d be so over.

Gwin is asking what promises each candidate won’t be able to keep because of the bailout. Biden: We’ll have to slow down on foreign aid. Sorry, Darfur. You’re stuck out. Gwin asks Palin what promises she won’t be able to keep. “Well, I haven’t made a lot of promises, because I’ve been at this, what, five weeks?” Hahahahaha.

She’s had a lot of good lines so far.

Oh, I’ve now been informed that Frank is also blogging this. His is probably funnier.

Biden’s going on about how awesome Palin is for windfall profits taxes. Was her deal really a windfall profits tax? I ask because I don’t know.

Biden: “I would explain this, but it gets complicated. Too complicated for you chicks to understand, so we’ll skip it.”

Biden just made me curse, and I blame him (and the devil) for my dirty mouth. Bankruptcy judges allowed to adjust mortgage principal and rates? Bull crap.

Palin says she thinks climate change is partial human partial natural. Biden thinks it’s 100% man-made. Well, the penguins in Antarctica thank us, because as the polar ice gets smaller, Antarctica gets bigger. So you choose: polar bears or penguins? Vicious beasts that chase you on lost islands, or flippy little tuxedo-wearing sweethearts?

Hey, what constitution does Joe Biden read? I think I must have a defective copy.

Palin answered the gay marriage question (notice how not one of the three people up there would say “gay”?) very well, and came away from that question as well as she could have. Both sides happy. I mean, I’m rabidly conservative, and I was happy with it. And with the other side opposed to gay marriage as well, she’s no worse off with the libs than they are. Except that she’s not the Messiah or that old guy running with him.

“That’s a white flag of surrender you’re waving.” Ok, I forgive your earlier stuff.

Good answer from Palin on nuclear Iran v. unstable Pakistan. And pointing out the difference between a president sitting down with Ahmadinejad and lower level diplomats sitting down.

Palin on Israel v. Palestine says two states, blah blah blah. What she should have said was, “Well, for one, we can stop giving money to the Palestinians, because they hate us and cheered when we got attacked on 9/11.”

LOL. “Too much looking backwards to prove that you’re about change.” Or something like that. She basically said, in more words, “Bush isn’t on the Republican ticket.”

Yay! She made me cheer in pointing out what Obama said about Afghanistan. “Reckless, reckless statement.” IOW, “Obama is a propagandist for the enemy. Go Barry!”

I love Biden’s math skills. Seven years in Iraq. [Ahem. First off, he said seven years in Afghanistan, and I was trying to riff on that. Second, um, we have been in Afghanistan seven years, so his math is working fine.]

I love Biden’s loud sigh while Palin corrects him on McClellanMcKiernan. (I don’t know what he said, but I’m sure Hot Air has the link.) I also love how Palin looks at him like she’s about to ground his little kid butt if he doesn’t stop with the sighing, and she keeps right on talking.

How is Biden going to help in Darfur if he’s cutting back foreign aid for all those entitlement programs?

I’m glad she pointed out that the bill in Alaska hasn’t passed yet, because otherwise people would have been peeing their pants tomorrow. “She’s talking about a bill that hasn’t passed! Gotcha! Teacher!? Did you hear?!”

How will a Biden presidency differ from an Obama presidency? Not much, because I love him!

Palin: Well, yeah, we disagree on things. What do you expect with a team of Mavericks? Yes, I do disagree with him on ANWR, and I’m gonna keep pushing him on that. She winked again. I love her again.

I’m interested to see how Tina Fey plays her this week. She’ll probably overemphasize the winking, because that’s all she’s got.

“Say it ain’t so, Joe, there you go again!” “You prefaced your whole comment with ‘The Bush Administration.'”

For all the hubbub about Gwin Ifill’s conflict of interest, she has been very fair tonight, IMAO. I’d let her moderate another one, if she promised to perform like this.

Palin: “My ‘what does the vice president do’ comment was a lame attempt at a joke, and so, too, was yours, Joe [re: I don’t want to be vice president], and nobody got it. Nobody got mine either!”

Palin: how do you respond to lack of experience? Please mention Obama’s lack of experience. Pleeeeeease. She’s not. She’s going on about her own executive experience and also her experience as a real person. We represent equality, freedom, equal rights. Oh, by the way. Forgot to mention earlier. I was really glad when she mentioned that Iran and other threats kill women’s rights.

Biden: how do you respond to lack of discipline? By blahdeblahdeblahing and spinning, yo!

Palin: McCain has had to take on his own party. AND WE HATE HIM FOR IT! (That was me on that last part, not The Other Sarah.)

Shout out to Anne in the comments! Thanks!

Frank, did you call Palin precious? I’M PRECIOUS!

I don’t know what Biden just got all upset about. He was talking for soooooo loooooonnnnng. When will he stop? Now he’s trying to prove that he knows court cases. Snore.

LOL, Biden’s talking about being all bi. (Partisan.) McCain’s so bipartisan that we can’t stand him! He works with the other side way too much, but whatevs. Hopefully he’ll actually appoint good judges and we can hate him less.

Palin’s closing statement is first: I’m glad to get to talk to America without the tools of the main-stream media filtering everything I say. Suck it, MSM!

Biden: I’m tired. Can we go home yet? Where’s the bar?

Holy crap, I’m nervous.

UPDATE 2112:

Biden seems old and tired. I think they drugged him to keep him from making gaffes.

I just love Palin so far. I like the folksy.

UPDATE 2120:

I just want to say again I love Palin! No more knot in my stomach!

UPDATE 2126:

I hope she mentions which Senators voted for the Bridge to Nowhere.

BTW, I’m going to be a little behind now since SarahK is making me pause.

UPDATE 2125:

Ooh. Obama was so concerned he wrote a letter. Isn’t he supposed to do more as a Senator? Don’t we write letters to them to get them to do stuff?

UPDATE 2144:

What Constitution is Biden talking about?

UPDATE 2206:

I love it when she attacks Obama’s stupid judgment on the war. I’m like, “Smack that bitch around!”

UPDATE 2209:

I notice how she stares right at Biden when she talks when Lehrer was unable to get McCain and Obama to look at each other.

UPDATE 2220:

“Doggone it.”

“Your wife, God bless her…”

Palin is now officially the most precious resource to come out of Alaska.

UPDATE 2241:

I thought Palin did great. I loved it. That was the Palin we were hoping for, the one who has an 80% approval rating in Alaska.

Also, I should mention I think Ifill was a great moderator. She should have used the opportunity to plug her book, though.

UPDATE 2301:

I don’t know why Ace got an e-mail and I didn’t (because everyone knows I can be a partisan shill), but here are Biden’s fourteen lies. I was hoping Palin would get on him about how he said McCain voted against funding the troops when what McCain was voting against was the Democrat surrender bill that they knew Bush was going to veto.

Gwen: “You always seem to be deep in thought. Tell me, what are you thinking right now?”

Barack: “I was thinkin’, I’m gonna take me some of these taters home with me.”

The fate of our democracy and thus the entire world rests on Palin’s debate performance tonight, so I thought I better give her some advice to help out since I like this country.

FRANK DEBATE ADVICE FOR PALIN

* Bring your moose gun as a prop. Democrats are sissies, so they are intimidated by guns. Especially if you point them at them.

* A lot of people are worried about Biden being condescending to you, but really you should be extremely condescending towards him. The guy’s first reaction to 9/11 was to cut a check for $200 million to Iran; treat the guy like the imbecile he is.

* The VP debate is all about being on the attack. The main target is Obama, but don’t be afraid to go after Biden or even the moderator if you feel she is being unfair. If she asks a question that seems like an unfair gotcha, say, “Instead of answering your Obama slut question, I am going to talk about…” and then continue on about whatever subject you like.

* Remember: Just like it’s okay call people of your own race ethnic slurs, it’s okay for you to call Ifill “bitch”, “skanky whore”, and other things.

* Every time Biden makes a gaffe, turn to him and ask, “Are you stupid or something?” And don’t leave it as a rhetorical question; make him answer it. Then by the end of the night everyone will be saying to themselves, “Why is Biden always denying being stupid?”

* Good line: “Maybe we should repurpose that $700 billion towards making you not so stupid and ugly.”

* Your advantage over Washington insiders is that you talk like a real person. Make sure to you that. If Biden says something that isn’t true, don’t just say, “I believe Biden isn’t telling you the whole truth.” Instead, turn to him and shout, “You lying sack of @#$%!” just like a normal person would. Similarly, if he repeats a lie, tell him, “If you say that one more time, I will @#$%ing kill you.”

* Constantly confuse Obama’s name with Osama’s. When you get called on it, say, “Sorry, but they’re easy to mix up since they’re both friends with terrorists, both want America to lose in Iraq, and are both secretly Muslim.” When Biden responds, “Obama isn’t secretly Muslim!” answer with, “So you admit he’s openly a Muslim?” Ha! Fell right for that!

* Don’t only confuse Obama’s name with Osama’s; sometimes confuse his name with Khalid Sheikh Mohammed and Ahmadinejad for variety. Also, sometimes call him Barry.

* If you’re ever stumped by a question, stall by turning to Biden and saying, “Your head reminds me of a Cabbage Patch doll’s.”

* No matter what the questions are, try to get Biden to name one thing that distinguishes Obama from any mediocre legislator. He can’t! No one can!

The media realized that lowering expectations so much on Palin is a bad idea so they’ve started to play clips from her gubernatorial debate to try and raise expectations. We need to fight that!

Palin stands no chance against Biden. The idea that Biden is going to make some huge gaffe when so much is on the line is a pipe dream. Every single word he’ll say will be scripted and sound a thousand time smarter than Palin, bless her heart. I can only hope her performance isn’t so bad as that no Republican is ever elected again.

It was a fun country while it lasted.

Way past the days of Bombin’ M.C.’s
Sound off Mumia guan be free
Who gottem yo check the federal file
All you pen devils know the trial was vile
An army of pigs try to silence my style
Off ’em all out that box
It’s my radio dial

-Guerrilla Radio