WASHINGTON, DC (AP) – In a landmark ruling whose results were unpredicted by even the savviest of legal pundits, the Supreme Court ruled in a highly controversial 5-4 decision that the Second Amendment should be construed so as to require gun ownership by every adult citizen of the United States.

Writing for the majority, Chief Justice John Roberts outlined the surprising thought process behind this startling sledgehammer of jurisprudence.

“The Second Amendment,” said Roberts, “says that ‘a well regulated Militia, being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the people to keep and bear Arms, shall not be infringed.’ Well, I think it’s pretty clearly implied here that, if Obamacare can force you to buy insurance, then militia membership – which is, Constitutionally, ‘necessary’ – can force you to buy a gun. It’s like getting vaccine inoculations: if everyone is immunized, then everyone is safe. But the more people don’t get shots, the more likely an outbreak of deadly disease. In the case of guns, that disease is criminals. If everyone has a gun, criminals get eradicated like smallpox. Also, if everyone is exercising their right, then by definition, no one’s right is being infringed. This is the only way to truly guarantee this particular constitutional protection for every citizen.”

Liberal Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg dissented, pointing out that Roberts’ faulty reasoning in the Obamacare case – even though she agreed with it at the time for political reasons – could not be used to do things to REDUCE the power and control of the federal government, before mumbling something about “my pancreas” and falling asleep.

President Trump showed his support for the ruling by issuing an executive order to make ammunition for all these newly-owned guns more affordable.

“By executive order,” said Trump “I’m making everybody’s first 5,000 rounds of ammo fully tax-deductible in every tax year. That’s over 10 rounds a day, every day, for a year, to practice with. Chamber that many rounds, and you should be a dead-eye shot capable of protecting yourself and your loved ones from criminals, rogue deer, and… well, me and my government minions, too, if I ever go off the rails. Or if America elects a Democrat in 2020. Liberty has never been easier. Or more affordable!”
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< Breakthrough Technology Converts Useless Wind Into Innovative Defense Against Eagles
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BOSTON (AP) – For centuries, man has tried to do something useful with the wind. For a while, it looked like it might work as the motive force for sailing ships, yet – for unknown reasons – today’s wind is no longer effective in that area. Possibly because of climate change. So for years, wind has been relegated to assisting with silly children’s toys, like kites and pinwheels.

However, researchers now report that they may have discovered a new use for the heretofore useless breezes that plague women’s beauty-parlor-fresh hairdos: killing eagles.

Even before the time of sailing ships, humans have been plagued by massive flocks of eagles – some large enough to blot out the sun for hours as they flew overhead. Every American holds deep within their DNA a primal fear of this bird of prey’s bloodcurdling shriek. Who doesn’t curl up into a helpless ball at this fearsome sound? Yet today, we appear to be on the edge of freedom from our avian oppressors, as scientists have discovered a way to use the wind to propel the blades of a 300-foot tall horizontal blender called a “wind turbine”. This merciless sky-cuisinart dices brutal birds by the thousands, making it safe once again for people to walk outside without being eagled.

The Sherman Tank of these choptastic wonders – GE’s Cypress Advanced Wind Turbine Platform – can take out up to 3000 birds a day, and is credited by many with keeping these taloned terrors on the endangered species list where they belong. According to the turbine’s inventor, Otto Octavius, his goal was to “keep Americans safe from the eagle apocalypse.”

“Despite flying in attack formation at low altitudes, eagles are notoriously hard to hit with conventional weapons,” said Octavius. “However this fact also gives rise to their Kryptonite: cockiness. When they see something coming at them, they tell their buddies, ‘hold my fish and watch this,’ then they dodge the object. Usually works. Eagles have great distance vision. However, their peripheral vision stinks. So if a huge chopping blade is coming at them from the side, they won’t see it coming until it’s too late. Advantage: Cypress”

“Oh, also, it produces electricity.”

As long as it’s enough to charge up a Telsa pickup truck loaded with ex-eagles so they can be driven to a cliff and dumped into the sea like so many birdie Bin Ladens, it’s a safe bet that Americans will welcome this new technology.
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< Snopes Measures Light Wavelengths, Rates Trump’s Controversial “Sky Is Blue” Tweet As “Mostly False”
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TACOMA (AP) – Ever the watchdog and vigilant guardian of printed truth on the internet, legendary fact-checking site Snopes.com has discovered and reported yet another gross inaccuracy coming from the deservedly-maligned and completely untrustworthy Trump administration. This time, President Trump has followed up his “#SharpieGate” assertion that Alabama could’ve been hit by a hurricane with an even less justifiable weather-related claim – that “the sky is blue”. Rigorous investigation by Snopes concludes that this questionable Trump assertion is “mostly false.”

According to Rajesh Koothrappali, Assistant Lead Prevaricator Preventer at Snopes, Trump’s trip-up was “an easy catch.”

“So Trump throws this tweet out there like it’s a fait accompli and just expects that no one will question it,” said Koothrappali. “But knowing how completely untrustworthy he is as a source, I decided to investigate the matter myself. I looked up at the sky, and it did, indeed look blue. Since that didn’t support my narrative, I decided to get to the bottom of it using unimpeachable facts and logic, so I Googled up the Wikipedia page, which described Trump’s ‘sky is blue’ statement as ‘challengeable.'”

“And indeed it is,” said Koothrappali triumphantly. “Consider this – for fully half the day, it’s night. So for half the planet, half the day, the sky is black. With cute little twinkles. And during the daylight parts of the day, it might be cloudy, so the sky is gray. During sunrises and sunsets, it’s often shades of red or orange. So you can clearly see that the sky is NOT blue, more than half of each day.”

“But even when it IS blue, is it REALLY?” questioned Koothrappali. “A little more research shows that it is NOT. A color is only truly blue if the wavelength of its light is between 450 and 495 nanometers. A spectrographic analysis of Trump’s so-called ‘blue’ sky shows that it is actually an impure mixture of many wavelengths, with a large percentage of them being either less than 450 nm or greater than 495. To call the sky ‘blue’ is a gross oversimplification of a very complex interaction of electromagnetic radiation. Anyone who would call the sky ‘blue’ is either a simpleton or a charlatan.”

“In conclusion,” Koothrappali declared, “while a ray of blue light might occasionally reach an eye unaided by instruments and detectors, it’s a very rare occurrence, and people’s unquestioning belief in the sky’s dominant color is the result of urban-legend saturation, most likely caused by watching too many Pixar movies. Therefore, we are forced to rate President Trump’s claim as ‘mostly false.'”

Koothrapppali also suggested that, although not yet conclusively rated, Trump’s “water is wet” tweet will likely also be shot down, since “wetness” is a tactile property of water, and the vast majority of the world’s ocean’s are not currently being touched by human beings, meaning that we have no scientific basis for determining the wetness of untouched water. Therefore, President On-Fire-Pants is just making stuff up.
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< New NRA Survey: Average American Has More Guns Than Matrix Lobby Scene
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FAIRFAX, VA (AP) – In a presidential election season filled with Democrat candidate tripping over each other to see who can advocate for the most restrictive new gun laws, the National Rifle Association has released the results of an exhaustive new national survey on gun ownership which reveals that the average American actually has more guns than the Lobby Scene from the 1999 movie “The Matrix”.

NRA spokesman Harold Callahan admitted he was “a little surprised” by the results of the survey.

“We do this survey every year,” said Callahan, “and normally the average is somewhere between two and three guns per household. This year, things are… up… a little bit.”

Pressed for an explanation for the change, Callahan speculated that there were “several possibilities”.

“Could be that, thanks to the booming economy, people just have more money to spend on guns. Could be that, now that every state in America has a concealed carry law, people want to have something to carry. Could be that normal people are getting a little nervous because every single serious Democrat candidate has come out in favor of taking their guns. Out loud. In public. On national TV. With no shame or hesitation.”

“Or,” mused Callahan, “It could be simply that there are a lot of really big Keanu Reeves fans out there who just want to celebrate the 20th anniversary of what was arguably his best movie by matching him, weapon for weapon, in what was arguably the best scene from that movie. Don’t know if that’s it, but if it is, well, in 2020 ‘Tremors’ turns 30, so expect millions of Michael Gross fans to go full ‘Burt’s Basement‘. And now that I think about it, 2021 sees ‘Terminator 2’ turn 30, and Cástulo Guerra’s fans – which all Americans are – will want to try matching Enrique’s weapons pit.”

While some people, like Callahan, place great faith in the accuracy of the survey, others have been openly suggesting that the NRA actually faked the results just to try to scare off anyone thinking about pushing any sort of mandatory gun registration or confiscation plan. Callahan responded thoughtfully regarding that possibility.

“Yes,” said Callahan, “I suppose it’s entirely possible that this is all just a ploy to put a strong hesitation and the fear of mortality into these lily-livered soy-boy gun-grabber wanna-bes. Yup. There is absolutely a greater-than-zero chance that all these numbers are completely phony. And in all this excitement, I kinda lost track of all the raw data myself. But being this is America, the most powerful country in the world, and the last time government tried to take our guns, we blew their red-coated heads clean off, ya gotta ask yourself one question: ‘Do I feel lucky?’ Well, do ya, Dems?”
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< Beto Draws Short Straw, Will Be the Democrat Who Has to Actually Go Around Confiscating All the Guns Liberals Want Banned
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OTTUMWA, IA (AP) – Adding the to the troubles of a campaign which is already struggling to stay viable, Democratic presidential candidate Robert Francis “Beto” O’Rourke said he “drew the short straw” at a closed-door meeting of all the currently-running Democrat candidates, and will now have to go around to everyone’s house to actually confiscate the guns that liberals want banned.

“I guess it was a fair draw,” admitted O’Rourke, a touch of petulance in his voice, “but I don’t see why it has to be me. Why can’t Kamala do it? She a lot tougher than I am. People might actually give her their guns instead of wedgies and wet willies. Man, my ears are NEVER going to dry out! It’s gonna be high school all over again! I am NOT looking forward to this… I always pictured enforcing gun control as something I just get to sit back and command other people to do, possibly while wearing an ermine robe while pointing a scepter. Kinda stinks that I actually have to do my own dirty work.”

“Still,” said O’Rourke, squaring his shoulders, “I know how much average Americans respect and admire me, so I think I’m up to the task of taking away their guns. I’ll just drive up to people’s houses with my very photogenic dog and pickup truck, and I’m sure they’ll throw all their Glocks and AR-15s and machine guns and magazine clips into the back for me to haul away. I’m not afraid of a little hard work. I know how to wear a blue shirt tucked into my jeans with the collar button open and the sleeves rolled up to 3/4 length. That’s not just for show. Well, OK, mostly for show, but I *did* touch a shovel once during a ground-breaking photo-op for a building named after my billionaire heiress wife’s billionaire father. Can’t see how that wouldn’t count.”

Asked if he were expecting there to be any specific difficulties in getting people to give up the weapons Democrats planned to ban in 2020, O’Rourke gave his trademark shrug and grin while talking too much with his hands.

“Some of my liberal friends say they’re worried about me,” O’Rourke said. “They say they think it’s dangerous trying to get gun nuts to give up their guns. That they’ll go crazy and start throwing MAGA hats at me. I tell them ‘don’t be ridiculous – these are law abiding citizens I’m taking guns away from. Obeying laws is what they DO.’ I honestly can’t imagine easier pickings.”

“Can you imagine,” asked O’Rourke incredulously, “if I were trying to disarm CRIMINALS? I wouldn’t touch that gig without a tank and a SWAT team. Those people are DANGEROUS!”

[IMAO Ace Reporters zzyzx and Frank J. contributed to this article]
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< Trump’s Space Force Flagship Overrun by Purring, Spherical Furballs
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WASHINGTON, DC (AP) – After taking the first step toward establishing the United States Space Force as the 6th branch of the armed forces by creating Space Command (SPACECOMM) as part of the Department of Defense, the new military organization is already struggling with its first operational crisis. Crew members aboard the Nuclear Space Ship Enterprise (NSS 65) report that they have been overrun by aliens in the form of large quantities of purring, spherical furballs that “are turning up everywhere”.

Enterprise Captain James Kirok said he still wasn’t sure what happened.

“Well, I guess we’re learning a lesson about the dangers of invasive species,” said Kirok. “Which is good timing. Better to learn it now that after hordes of well-armed lizard men with sparkly silver eyes try taking over our planet like they did to our outpost on Cestus 3. But even though these critters aren’t violent, fast moving, or even possessed of sharp teeth – or a face, for that matter – they’re still presenting some difficulties with operations.”

“At first, it was no big deal,” Kirok said. “My communications officer, Lt. O’Hara, brought one of them aboard for a pet, all fuzzy and purring and cute as the dickens. Next thing you know, they were reproducing like bunny rabbits on Clomid. They were everywhere! On desks, tables, chairs, walls, floors, ceilings, file cabinets – I even went to lunch, and the darn things were all over my chicken sandwich and coffee. I decided right then and there to get them off the ship, even if it took every man we had.”

As of this writing, plans are currently underway to transport every fuzzy-loving one of the critters onto a Russian spaceship, where they’re expected to be no trouble at all.
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< Buttigieg Accidentally Reads Generic Call For Stronger Gun Laws With Blanks Not Filled In
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“OTTUMWA, IA (AP) – In a gaffe which may or may not have serious long-term consequences for his already stumbling, bumbling, lackluster, low-polling campaign, Democratic Presidential candidate Pete Buttigieg jumped the gun – so to speak – by holding a press conference and reading aloud from a pre-written statement calling for stronger gun laws. Unfortunately, his staffers forgot to fill in the blanks to reflect the latest mass shooting, and “Mayor Pete” – blinded, perhaps, by teleprompter fever – read the statement verbatim.

“Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen, thank you for being here today. I come here to note with [sensitive-sounding emotion] the tragic loss of life in [name of city] in the great state of [name of great state]. In this horrific shooting, [number] people were shot, and [smaller number] people were killed in an act of [intensifying adjective] violence. We also do not rule out racism, as [even smaller number] of innocent [collective skin color adjective] people lost their lives during this incident. Unquestionably, it is now time to pass [law that wouldn’t have prevented the shooting, even if it had been obeyed, unlike the law against murder which was utterly disregarded] to make sure this never happens again. Thank you.”

Buttigieg campaign spokesman Joseph Isuzu offered an interpretation of events that the candidate’s critics may or may not find plausible.

“Some people are suggesting,” said Isuzu, “that because this statement appeared to be written out far in advance, it means that your beloved Mayor Pete is a two-bit, snake-eyed, confidence man completely devoid of human emotions or decency. Nothing could be further from the truth. Pete read his all-purpose statement because he believes – as I’m sure all of us do – that all people who are victims of mass shootings – even ones who haven’t been shot yet – are of equal value and deserve the same consideration. Specifically, their value as faceless, interchangeable pawns in our gun-grabber game of thrones. Which actually IS important to us. As are, in that very narrow sense, all of these victims Pete honors in his own personal, if non-specific, way.”

The timing appears especially unfortunate following Buttigieg’s stumble in CNN’s climate change town hall where he referred to Earth as [planet in solar system].

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< CNN Piped Into Prison; Crime Rate Drops to Zero Among Terrified Criminal Element

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ATLANTA – In a 6-month experiment dubbed both “magnificent” and “sadistic”, CNN was played non-stop in inmates’ cells, chow halls, and exercise yards. The result: a recidivism rate of zero, and former inmates who swear to go straight because they are “terrified” of having to go relive the horrors of “Constant Nightmare News”.

Samuel Norton, warden of the maximum security Georgia State Prison said the fruits of the program were “truly unbelievable”.

“I’ve been in the prison business for decades, keeping order over hundreds of the most desperate criminals society has put away. I’ve seen lots of dumb ideas come and go: hugs, shoes with spike insoles, ice cream, pink underwear, classical music… none of it ever had any lasting effect. So I was skeptical when Governor Kemp suggested non-stop CNN. How was that supposed to work? People stuck at airports have to watch that muck for hours on end every day. It doesn’t seem to have any effect beyond mild nausea.”

However, Governor Kemp was relying on research by expert criminologist Jason Gideon who understands criminals better, perhaps, than any other individual in the nation.

“These may be criminals,” said Gideon, “but they are Americans, and no American can stand to have a moron try to boss him around. It’s just the most maddening thing in the world, and he’ll do anything to avoid it. I thought, ‘well, no one’s bossier or more moronic than the talking heads of CNN. We should give this a shot and see what happens.’ I think the results speak for themselves.”

While Georgia Department of Corrections records indicate that the 3-year average recidivism rate for all prisoners hovers near 30%, convicted felons who were subjected to a non-stop barrage of CNN reporting had an average recidivism rate of 0.0%, with not one single releasee being convicted of another crime. Although the rates are not directly comparable due to the difference in time periods being studied, the results have been described by prison authorities as “very encouraging.”

One former inmate, Ellis Boyd Redding, talked about his experience with CNN.

“At first, you know, it’s actually interesting. In prison, any distraction is a good thing. But then it gets repetitive. You start to notice patterns. And after a while, you know exactly what they’re going to say before they even say it: ‘impeach Trump,’ ‘make the rich pay their fair share,’ ‘ban assault weapons,’ ‘Biden’s nowhere near as gropey and senile as his critics claim,’ you know, the same old stuff. Gets to the point where you’ll do anything – ANYTHING – to make it stop. I kept my nose clean, got paroled, and even though I was tempted by crime on occasion, I went straight and got a job as a procurement specialist for a deep sea fishing charter boat service. There’s no TV on that boat, and there never will be. I’m free, and I’m staying that way.”

Warden Norton himself has become a believer in the program over time, adding “normally I can tell, when a prisoner is released, whether I’ll be seeing him back behind bars. There’s just a look in his eyes, ya know? But when they’re trying to escape the torment of CNN, all I see is mortal terror, and I know they’re out for good.”

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< Baltimore Mayor: “You Can Have Our Rats When You Pry Them From Our Cold, Dead Hands!”

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BALTIMORE (AP) – In a surprising turn of events, Baltimore Mayor Bernard Young has gone from criticizing President Trump’s tweets calling his city a “disgusting rat and rodent infested mess” to embracing his city’s “misunderstood” rodent population, at one point challenging President Trump that “you can have our rats when you pry them from our cold, dead hands” – a reference to a saying popular with members of the National Rifle Association gun rights group.

“President Trump tried to use rats to insult us,” said Young, “but we will turn his insult into power by embracing our rodent brethren. Trump says we’re rat infested? I say we’re rat infused! Full of the sleek, beautiful essence of these noble creatures. Smaller than cats, quieter than dogs, better smelling than skunks! This is an animal that has a lot going for it. And I don’t mean plague fleas, because that’s just anti-rat Republican propaganda. Those was mostly from witches, and we burned all of them decades ago.”

Young’s new pro-rat attitude seems to be a slap in the face to President Trump, who will likely not be re-elected in 2020 as a result. Mayor Young gave the speech as part of his “All Rat With Me” initiative, which seeks to help urban residents appreciate and live in harmony with their skin-tail-squirrel compatriots, as they share food, lodging, and sleeping quarters in a way that will usher in a new era of peace and understanding between the formerly antagonistic species.

“Some people say that rats are a sign of poverty,” Young said, “but if you think about it, they’re really a sign of wealth. If you have rats, it means you have so much food that it gets thrown away in the dumpsters where the rats live and breed. If we were poor, those would be people living in those dumpsters. But we’re lousy with food! And living space! Did you know that inner city apartment buildings are so luxurious and spacious that they can hold up to 7 families of rats for every human family? Why, the very palaces of Europe were never so accommodating! America truly is a wondrous and blessed land, and how much more so the Charm City of Baltimore!”

Mayor Young said he’s looking forward to making a “Rat Town USA” out of Baltimore.

“As it happens,” continued Young, “2020 is the ‘Year of the Rat’ on the Chinese calendar, and we’re taking that as a sign. Next year’s celebrations will be grander than ever. Rat festivals, rat parades, rat hats, the 4H rat show, Ratto de Mayo for the Spanish folk, and a huge and solemn memorial will be held for all that rats that have tragically passed away, called “Rodentia in Absentia.” We’ll miss those scurrying little critters. Every one of them is precious.”

While largely ignoring Mayor Young’s new rattitude, President Trump did make one cryptic tweet, perhaps a reference to an obscure 70’s horror movie.

“Mayor Willard, I hope you find your Ben”.

[IMAO Ace Reporter zzyzx contributed to this article]

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< To Save the Planet, CNN Climate Change Town Hall “Broadcast” to Consist of Hand-Drawn Sketches Delivered by Foot Messengers

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ATLANTA (AP) – In response to incredulous inquiries about their 7-hour “Climate Change Town Hall” meeting with Democratic presidential candidates, CNN promised that it was not a hypocritical publicity stunt, but rather a completely sincere investigation into what can be done about climate change. Putting its money where it’s mouth is, ecologically speaking, CNN vowed that – in order to minimize environmental impact – its “broadcast” would consist solely of hand-drawn sketches delivered to CNN viewers’ homes by foot messengers.

CNN chief Jeff Zucker said that the world will be “a better place” after this event.

“Ya know, AOC says that we’ve only got 12 years left to save the planet,” said Zucker, “but that’s simply not true. Thirty years ago, a UN report showed that we only had 10 years left to save the planet. We should’ve all been dead for the last 20 years. I think I saved us all by returning a glass bottle for the nickel deposit, but the facts don’t matter. Except for the fact that climate change could kill us all any second, like a hungry wolf or Russian impurities in our precious bodily fluids. That’s why we here at CNN are not only shining a light on the problem for longer than any human being can pay attention to one subject, we are also doing it in the most environmentally responsible way possible.”

“First, a confession:” Zucker said, “we did the other debates wrong. We used coal-powered electric lights to illuminate the stage. To color the lights, we used sheets of plastic that had previously strangled dolphins. We even used makeup that’s been tested on animals, but we didn’t really have a choice. Biden, Sanders, and Warren have a LOT of damage to cover. Cruelty-free is only good as a top layer for pretty people, like Buttigieg. Man, I wish I had his skin. But this time is different. It’s gonna be “Lights? Candles! Action!” No lights except for candles made out of beeswax – some with the bees still in them. In-studio seating? Slabs of rock. No luxuries, no conveniences, just the kind of basic, bare-bones existence that will save the planet. The kind of existence all 10 of the Democratic candidates want for us. Well, not ‘us’ as in rich people like me and them, but ‘us’ as in you. Definitely for you.”

“But the climate-caring authenticity doesn’t end with the studio,” Zucker continued. “For the broadcast, we’re not using electricity to send pictures through the air. We’re actually going to hand-draw all the pictures of the debate. With graphite-free pencils to ensure a zero-carbon footprint. Then we’ve partnered with UberFoot to have their vehicleless messengers run to the houses of every CNN subscriber to deliver the pictures from the town hall. It’s true that each person will only get one or two pictures, but, honestly, this town hall is seven freaking hours. ‘Two’ is probably the average number of times viewers would actually look up from their phones to see this thing on their TVs, which would just be on as background noise anyway.”

“And to maximize planet-friendliness, all candidates will arrive at our studios via rickshaw,” concluded Zucker, who, after making a pained face in silence for 10 seconds, finally burst out in a great guffaw before adding, “just kidding. Private planes, limos, and imported caviar. But, here… have a souvenir pencil-sketch of Beto in a rickshaw. We’ve got thousands of them.”

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< 10 Fun Facts About Labor Day

CHICAGO (AP) – April Ludgate has lived and worked in Chicago all her life. A woman with absolutely no interest in current events or national news headlines, she recently found herself stuck at O’Hare airport, where she accidentally listened to a CNN report about the “gender pay gap“, which claimed that women make only 77 cents for every dollar that men make. Although the information was not only baseless and inaccurate, but also completely useless, it did make Ms. Ludgate suddenly lose the nagging guilt that had been plaguing her for years over her near-daily habit of stealing office supplies from her place of employment.

“It’s not like they were underpaying me, exactly,” said Ludgate. “I mean, I knew what the pay rate was when they hired me, and it’s enough for me to pay my bills and still put a little by for emergencies. And I guess I shouldn’t have taken any office supplies at all, but they have so MUCH, and if they run low, they just keep ordering more, so they never run out. It’s like magic! So I figure what’s the harm if I take the occasional pack of sticky notes, or a roll of tape, or a pair of scissors, or an office chair, or a desk? Everybody does it. I mean, I saw one secretary take everything on her desk, put it in a box and walk out the door. Never saw her again. I assume she became independently wealthy from selling the stuff on eBay.”

“Anyway,” continued Ludgate, “sometimes I felt bad about that, because I’ve taken a lot of stuff over the years. I mean a LOT of stuff. I have an entire closet full of printer paper. And, well, toner, too, for that matter. Sometimes I’ve actually brought stuff back from home because I have more than the supply cabinet. But thanks to CNN, I now know that I was completely justified in taking all these office supplies because my boss has been treating me like a second class citizen and ripping me off by making more money than me. Him and his fancy college degree and 20 years of experience! That doesn’t give him the right to make money that should’ve been mine. That’s practically stealing, and stealing is wrong!”

“Oh, and all the times I called in sick when I really wasn’t? Yeah, take THAT ripoff sexist corporate America! Serves you right!”

Ludgate’s coworker, Pam Beesly, had her own thoughts on wage-worker justice.

“Yeah, I get paid exactly the same as April,” said Beesly, “which is a lot less that the guys in sales get. Which is fine with me. I’d hate to be in sales. On the road all the time, never get to see your family, dealing with jerks all day. I’m happy just typing things up for the same office jerks all the time. At least they buy me candy on Secretary’s… uh.. Administrative Professionals Day. The only thing I don’t like is [looks around] April. I swear she calls in sick every single week! And when she does, guess who gets to do all the work she’s not doing? But I don’t get a dime more in my paycheck. It’s almost like there’s some sort of gap between those who do all their work and those who only do, like, 77% of what’s expected of them, yet they still get the same pay. Never heard anyone complain about that, though.”

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< Buttigieg on His New ‘Gun Organization Program’: “If You Like Your Guns, You Can Keep Your Guns”

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OTTUMWA, IA (AP) – During a recent campaign rally in America’s heartland, Democratic presidential hopeful Pete Buttigieg proposed a plan to “organize” the “chaos” of gun ownership in a way that will “please everybody”, promising voters that “if you like your guns, you can keep your guns.”

“Mayor Pete” began by addressing the obvious objection before moving on to the benefits of the reorganization.

“I know,” said Buttigieg, “that the last time you were were promised that if you liked something you could keep it, there were a few… temporary snags… but I guarantee that this will be nothing like that. Nothing at all… Except for the massive new bureaucracy, the complicated and conflicting rules, the pushback from crazy right-wingers who ruin everything, and the naked power grab that the whole thing really is. Other than that, NOTHING like that Obamacare debacle.”

“Look,” Buttigieg said, “the way guns are distributed in this country is just too complicated and confusing for the average person to manage by themselves. That why I’m proposing a new ‘gun organization program’ – which I’ve dubbed ‘Gunnigieg’ – to help sort out this mess. It’s true that Washington can’t do everything right, but I can see no reason why a good government program like Gunnigieg can’t make gun ownership simple and tidy for all Americans.”

“Under my new ‘gun organization program’ – and don’t you just love the way we’re taking back ‘G.O.P.’? – every American will be guaranteed the right to bear arms,” continued Buttigieg. “But in order to provide… well, order… everyone will be assigned a specific ‘exchange’ where they can go to buy guns, which will be restricted to using approved ‘preferred pistol providers.’ Folks will also be required to obtain ammunition through “preferred projectile providers”. Together, these approved providers will ensure that only the safest guns and safest bullets will end up in the hands of the safest people. You will never again have to worry about a random bad guy with a gun hurting you, because all gun ownership will be thoroughly Gunnigieged for your safety.”

“Now, granted, we’re still working out the details, and we’ll probably have to pass the bill to really find out what’s in it without fake news purveyors fogging it up with false facts. Or any other kind of facts. But the important thing is that Gunnigieg will bring order out of the chaos of gun possession, distribution, and ownership. There will be order. Order you can follow. Yes, follow my orders. You will follow my orders. We have ways of making you follow orders! Those who resist will discover that quickly enough!”

After his microphone was cut off by panicked staffers, Mayor Pete was taken to a local hospital and treated for what physicians labelled a combination of “heat exhaustion” and “Monologuing Supervillain Syndrome”.

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< ACLU Sues Steinway Because Piano Has Only 36 Black Keys

NEW YORK (AP) – The American Civil Liberties Union has brought a discrimination lawsuit against legendary piano manufacturer Steinway & Sons, charging that the company’s products show a “clear racial bias” by having only 36 black keys versus 52 white keys – over 44% more.

The ACLU’s chief legal counsel in the case, Lionel Hutz, called Steinway’s violations “flagrant and egregious”.

“Once upon a time, there were no pianos,” said Hutz, “only harpsichords. They were very popular, every home had one; an elegant instrument, for a more civilized age. And – important historical note – the majority of the keys were black. Fast forward to the modern day, where Steinway has been the dominant force in acoustic keyboard instruments for over a century, and somehow there are barely any black keys left. What are we to make of this symbolic genocide other than it is a deliberate tactic of unconscionable musical bigotry?”

“But really,” said Hutz, “this isn’t about music. This is about the marginalization of an entire race of human beings. How is a person of color supposed to look at a keyboard – ANY keyboard – and not feel shamed, diminished, and ‘othered?’ The statement Steinway makes with its keyboard is that ‘black is an inferior color, and must be kept contained by more numerous and superior white keys.’ Not to mention the fact that the black keys are smaller. They could easily be the same size. But keeping the blacks as a small, vulnerable minority seems to fit better into Steinway’s bigoted agenda.”

Paul Biegler, the attorney for Steinway, called the suit “a ridiculous bucket of hog slop” and said he expected “a quick dismissal.”

“First,” said Biegler, “the piano was invented in the 1700’s. Steinway and Sons didn’t even exist before 1853. Seems to me the person you should be complaining to has probably been dead for 200 years. Might need to talk a little louder, then. Second, the keys of Steinway pianos are made of Bavarian spruce. And you know what you do if you don’t like the color of a piece of wood? That’s right, you can paint it. Third, we are more than happy to customize our pianos for people. But no one has ever ordered a piano with white half-tone keys. Why? Because it looks stupid, and no one wants to pay $150,000 for a stupid-looking piano, no matter how SJW they are. In fact, we offered to make a rainbow keyboard for Elton John, but you know what he said? He said it looked ‘too gay’. Go figure.”

While awaiting the outcome of this trial, the ACLU is still preparing its latest landmark legal effort, suing Glock for making black guns, an obvious racial slur.

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< AOC Proposes Balanced Budget After Being Bitten by Radioactive Accountant