ATLANTA (AP) – In response to incredulous inquiries about their 7-hour “Climate Change Town Hall” meeting with Democratic presidential candidates, CNN promised that it was not a hypocritical publicity stunt, but rather a completely sincere investigation into what can be done about climate change. Putting its money where it’s mouth is, ecologically speaking, CNN vowed that – in order to minimize environmental impact – its “broadcast” would consist solely of hand-drawn sketches delivered to CNN viewers’ homes by foot messengers.

CNN chief Jeff Zucker said that the world will be “a better place” after this event.

“Ya know, AOC says that we’ve only got 12 years left to save the planet,” said Zucker, “but that’s simply not true. Thirty years ago, a UN report showed that we only had 10 years left to save the planet. We should’ve all been dead for the last 20 years. I think I saved us all by returning a glass bottle for the nickel deposit, but the facts don’t matter. Except for the fact that climate change could kill us all any second, like a hungry wolf or Russian impurities in our precious bodily fluids. That’s why we here at CNN are not only shining a light on the problem for longer than any human being can pay attention to one subject, we are also doing it in the most environmentally responsible way possible.”

“First, a confession:” Zucker said, “we did the other debates wrong. We used coal-powered electric lights to illuminate the stage. To color the lights, we used sheets of plastic that had previously strangled dolphins. We even used makeup that’s been tested on animals, but we didn’t really have a choice. Biden, Sanders, and Warren have a LOT of damage to cover. Cruelty-free is only good as a top layer for pretty people, like Buttigieg. Man, I wish I had his skin. But this time is different. It’s gonna be “Lights? Candles! Action!” No lights except for candles made out of beeswax – some with the bees still in them. In-studio seating? Slabs of rock. No luxuries, no conveniences, just the kind of basic, bare-bones existence that will save the planet. The kind of existence all 10 of the Democratic candidates want for us. Well, not ‘us’ as in rich people like me and them, but ‘us’ as in you. Definitely for you.”

“But the climate-caring authenticity doesn’t end with the studio,” Zucker continued. “For the broadcast, we’re not using electricity to send pictures through the air. We’re actually going to hand-draw all the pictures of the debate. With graphite-free pencils to ensure a zero-carbon footprint. Then we’ve partnered with UberFoot to have their vehicleless messengers run to the houses of every CNN subscriber to deliver the pictures from the town hall. It’s true that each person will only get one or two pictures, but, honestly, this town hall is seven freaking hours. ‘Two’ is probably the average number of times viewers would actually look up from their phones to see this thing on their TVs, which would just be on as background noise anyway.”

“And to maximize planet-friendliness, all candidates will arrive at our studios via rickshaw,” concluded Zucker, who, after making a pained face in silence for 10 seconds, finally burst out in a great guffaw before adding, “just kidding. Private planes, limos, and imported caviar. But, here… have a souvenir pencil-sketch of Beto in a rickshaw. We’ve got thousands of them.”

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