Archive of entries posted on 26th September 2019

IMAO Time Machine: Mega M&Ms

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Here’s one from 2005 by Laurence Simon. — The Editors

I guess Mega M&Ms are here to stay.

A new line of Mega M&M’s, which on average are 55 percent bigger than the originals, were introduced Thursday at Grand Central Station in Manhattan.

“It’s the candy that everyone loves, but with a bigger chocolate taste,” said Masterfoods USA spokeswoman Joan Buyce. Masterfoods USA owns the M&Ms brand and is a part of privately-held food manufacturer Mars, Inc.

While Mini M&M’s are popular among moms and kids, the new, bigger M&M’s are designed with adults in mind. “It broadens our portfolio so there’s something for everyone,” Buyce said.

I disagree. You’re still leaving people out. And according to people like Ken Livingstone and George Galloway, if you don’t include people, they end up being excluded and driven to terrorism.

We can’t have that, can we?

So, in the spirit of inclusion and multiculural sensitivity/diversity, what’s next in the world of M&Ms?

  • Mesquite-Grilled M&Ms – Once upon a time, mesquite just grew everywhere, minding its own business. Then someone boneheaded Texan tossed his cigarette on one, it caught fire, and the rest is history. Well, except for the M&M part.
  • M&Ms for the visually impaired – Who’s the wise guy who filled my candy dish with U&U’s?
  • M&Ms for Girls – You can dress them up in ten different interchangeable outfits! Do their hair! Paint their nails! You can give yourself a candy-coating lip gloss!
  • Mu&Mus – It’s all Greek to me. You like-a the juice?
  • EmineM&Ms – M&M provides five million dollars worth of M&Ms to Eminem to use in his newest video only to find out he writes lyrics saying that the candies suck.
  • Kosher M&Ms – A little something to nosh on, perhaps?
  • MM& – Specially forumulated for Dyslexics.
  • M&M. Night Shyamalans – They’re hugely popular, have widespread critical acclaim, and right before you finish them you get a surprise twist aftertaste that lets everyone down.

If you don’t see these varieties of M&Ms, rough up your neighborhood grocer today until he puts them on the shelves.

(Don’t believe his lies! He’s hiding them in the back!)

365 Birthday Parties Each Year

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It seems to be going around the Internet again about ice cream for breakfast being a good thing. And, it is. Well, it tastes good. I doubt it’s good for you. But I’m not a doctor, nor do I play one on TV.

Anyway, this first started two years ago. No, three years ago. Whatever. A few years ago. There were reports that some Japanese scientists reported that ice cream was good for you. Naturally, all the reports I saw were all saying the same thing, but none actually linked to an actual source. The ones that did link to something were to dead links.

So, fake news, right? Well, not really. Some of the stuff said in the news stories was true, but some was complete B.S. So, let’s call it half true.

Switching gears slightly — we’ll come back in a minute, trust me on this — there was a report in 2012 that eating chocolate cake for breakfast was good for you.

I remember when that story came out. It reminded me of a comedy routine by Bill Cosby. This was back when Bill Cosby was good, as far as anyone knew. I knew there was something wrong with Bill Cosby when he was making commercials for New Coke.

Anyway, chocolate cake for breakfast was supposed to be good for you. And, like the Cosby routine, it’s full of half-truths.

Did you catch that?

No? Let’s do some math.

Chocolate cake being good for breakfast is a half-truth.

Ice cream being good for breakfast is a half-truth.

Okay, students, what’s one-half plus one-half? That’s right. It’s one. It’s a whole. And, that means that chocolate cake PLUS ice cream for breakfast is two half-truths, which makes one whole truth.

So, enjoy your breakfast! I will enjoy mine.