OTTUMWA, IA (AP) – Adding the to the troubles of a campaign which is already struggling to stay viable, Democratic presidential candidate Robert Francis “Beto” O’Rourke said he “drew the short straw” at a closed-door meeting of all the currently-running Democrat candidates, and will now have to go around to everyone’s house to actually confiscate the guns that liberals want banned.

“I guess it was a fair draw,” admitted O’Rourke, a touch of petulance in his voice, “but I don’t see why it has to be me. Why can’t Kamala do it? She a lot tougher than I am. People might actually give her their guns instead of wedgies and wet willies. Man, my ears are NEVER going to dry out! It’s gonna be high school all over again! I am NOT looking forward to this… I always pictured enforcing gun control as something I just get to sit back and command other people to do, possibly while wearing an ermine robe while pointing a scepter. Kinda stinks that I actually have to do my own dirty work.”

“Still,” said O’Rourke, squaring his shoulders, “I know how much average Americans respect and admire me, so I think I’m up to the task of taking away their guns. I’ll just drive up to people’s houses with my very photogenic dog and pickup truck, and I’m sure they’ll throw all their Glocks and AR-15s and machine guns and magazine clips into the back for me to haul away. I’m not afraid of a little hard work. I know how to wear a blue shirt tucked into my jeans with the collar button open and the sleeves rolled up to 3/4 length. That’s not just for show. Well, OK, mostly for show, but I *did* touch a shovel once during a ground-breaking photo-op for a building named after my billionaire heiress wife’s billionaire father. Can’t see how that wouldn’t count.”

Asked if he were expecting there to be any specific difficulties in getting people to give up the weapons Democrats planned to ban in 2020, O’Rourke gave his trademark shrug and grin while talking too much with his hands.

“Some of my liberal friends say they’re worried about me,” O’Rourke said. “They say they think it’s dangerous trying to get gun nuts to give up their guns. That they’ll go crazy and start throwing MAGA hats at me. I tell them ‘don’t be ridiculous – these are law abiding citizens I’m taking guns away from. Obeying laws is what they DO.’ I honestly can’t imagine easier pickings.”

“Can you imagine,” asked O’Rourke incredulously, “if I were trying to disarm CRIMINALS? I wouldn’t touch that gig without a tank and a SWAT team. Those people are DANGEROUS!”

[IMAO Ace Reporters zzyzx and Frank J. contributed to this article]
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