WASHINGTON, DC (AP) – In an unprecedented fit of fiscal responsibility for an elected Representative on the left side of the aisle, Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez shocked Congress by introducing a budget bill that slashes expenditures to the barest of bones and spends no more than the amount of actual revenues collected in last year’s budget. Current speculation is that Ocasio-Cortez is suffering side effects from having been bitten by a radioactive accountant during Congress’s annual summer recess.

Physician and superhero expert Claire Temple offered several possible explanations as to AOC’s sudden reversal of economic sensibilities.

“First,” said Temple, “some people scoff and say that radioactive accountants aren’t a real thing, but you have to remember that DC has seen a lot of changes in the last 40 years. It was the 70’s, Carter was President, and he was gung ho about alternative energy – which included nuclear because Three Mile Island hadn’t happened yet. He was also big on budget cuts. And for efficiency’s sake, he combined the two programs. And since the Federal Government never fires anybody, we’ve still got a handful of nukecountants rattling around the city. As obnoxious as AOC is, I’m surprised she didn’t get bitten months ago.”

“It’s obviously given her superpowers,” Temple said “but it’s hard to know exactly how they work. Some speculate that it’s a Peter Parker/Spiderman situation. Peter was a shy, selfish, callow youth who only cared about himself and his own needs and problems. After the spider bite – and the unfortunate incident with his Uncle Ben – Peter learned to care about the wider world and use his powers to do the right thing for other people. AOC – widely known as an idiotic spendthrift socialist – after getting bitten, has suddenly developed a far-thinking, long-term perspective on fiscal planning, which, while a welcome change, is completely unlike her.”

“Or,” continued Temple, “it’s possible we could have more of a Hulk situation, where most of the time she’s an idiotic spendthrift socialist, but, when presented with a triggering event, she overreacts in her effort to resolve the situation. Much like mild-mannered Bruce Banner – who would never hurt a fly – suddenly switches to attempting to solve his problems with physical force when angered. Maybe AOC got a huge credit card bill and flew into a rage of fiscal prudence that overflowed into an uncharacteristically sensible budget proposal.”

“Or,” Temple concluded, “to hear the left tell it, it’s more like she’s Anakin Skywalker whose midichlorians went out of control and she’s been seduced by the Dark Side and is now just a fiscal minion of the Evil Emperor Trumpatine who’s trying to build a space wall to keep space immigrants off of Coruscant. Hard to say who’s right on this one.”

Although a definitive answer may never be discovered, AOC posted a brief tweet just before press time that seems to imply that both sides are in error:

“Working on, like, the budget. Nancy says I added wrong and forgot to carry the trillion. Math is hard and stupid. Like Nancy’s face!”

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< Judge Orders Gillette to Pay Reparations To Men Who Threw Away Fortune In Razors After Toxic Masculinity Ad

FORT WORTH, TX (AP) – A Texas judge has ruled that the Gillette – a subsidiary of Procter and Gamble which was, until recently, synonymous with men’s grooming products – must pay $16 billion to plaintiffs in a class-action lawsuit who claimed that Gillette’s “Toxic Masculinity” ad was so offensive that they were forced to throw away their costly Gillette shaving products in protest.

The court held that Gillette’s actions were “so egregious” that “no thinking man” could ever be expected to take such a grotesque insult “sitting down” and that Gillette “should have known” their products would “wind up on the ash heap of history”.

5th Circuit Court of Appeals Judge Roy Bean’s ruling was a scathing indictment of what was termed “gross corporate malfeasance”.

“I’ve seen some pretty stupid things in my life,” said Bean, “and I’m generally of the opinion that you have to let stupid people do stupid things, and then make sure they’re punished for it, because otherwise they’ll never get any smarter. In this particular case, the defendant, Gillette, has already lost some 8 billion dollars – that’s billion with a ‘b’ – by going full Prince Hans regicide on their stunned and betrayed customer base, somehow surprise-swapping ‘the best a man can get’ for ‘you are a bully with harassment in your heart, and other men need to put a stop to you, your actions, and possibly your very existence. Now buy our razors.’ To not predict the resounding ‘no’ that followed was idiocy of the type that makes movie villains choose armor with helmets that have full face coverage. I mean full-on ‘TK-421, why aren’t you at your post?‘ level idiocy.”

“Now, some may ask why that punishment isn’t enough,” Bean said. “But I think this is only fair. If Gillette wants to live in their fluffy little PC world, they can play by ALL the PC rules. The men who shave with Gillette were in their safe spaces, but got their feelings hurt. They were triggered into throwing their razors away. They spent anywhere between dozens and hundreds of dollars on these items, and because of Gillette’s actions they couldn’t use them anymore without feeling beard-shamed. Under their own rules, how can Gillette possibly argue that the loss wasn’t foreseeable, preventable, compensable, and entirely their own fault?”

Taking their lumps gracefully, a Gillette spokesman apologized profusely to the victims of their hate crime and vowed to move forward as a wiser organization, who will think twice before insulting their customer base again.

Their new Venus ad campaign featuring irritable fat women who don’t shave their stubbly legs often enough is expected to roll out next Monday.

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< AOC Offers Advice to New Legislators

OTTUMWA, IA (AP) – Early in this dicey presidential election season, a Democrat party in disarray holds debate after mind-numbing debate, looking for leadership that everyone can feel confident in. A survey of likely voters among the nation’s liberals indicates that no one wants to commit to any one candidate this early in the process. The only name that comes up consistently as a favorite is the name of the last Democrat to win a general election debate against a Republican – Barack Obama. A man, who, unfortunately for his supporters, is constitutionally ineligible to run again.

However, there is another candidate who once stood toe-to-toe with a formidable – some would say “legendary” – Republican. And this candidate not only held his own, but was actually declared the winner by serious progressive news organizations like the New York Times, MSNBC, and even in an editorial in The Weekly World News by Batboy himself.

All of which explains why it is no surprise that The Chair debated by Clint Eastwood during the 2012 Republican Convention is showing unprecedented momentum in the polls, to the point of opening up 6 to 12 point leads in the majority of recent surveys.

“I’ve always had great respect for The Chair for the way he stood his ground against Eastwood on that stage,” said Joe Biden. “It was really an unfair situation. Eastwood had a teleprompter, plus a podium to grip and hide behind. The Chair had to stand alone on that stage. No teleprompter, no podium, no notes. Basically naked and alone, as he was mocked in front of a hostile audience who kept laughing as Eastwood belittled him over and over.”

“But you know,” said Biden admiringly, “The Chair, he didn’t blush, he didn’t flinch, he didn’t stammer, he didn’t shift his weight from one leg to another. He just stood there. Firm, proud, confident, heroic, shining and lustrous, polished with the fabric of a thousand pants-bottoms.”

Elizabeth Warren, who’s been struggling to stay tied with Biden in the polls (now battling for second behind The Chair) said she’s always “admired” The Chair.

“The thing about The Chair,” said Warren “is you have to admire him more for what he doesn’t say. He’s never apologized for Sanctuary Cities, he’s never compromised a position on gun control, and most importantly, he’s never even come close to saying that socialism is the wrong path for this country. Stalwarts like this are too few and far between on our side of the aisle, and if – heaven forbid – I lose this nomination, I can’t think of anyone more noble than The Chair to give my concession speech to.”

While The Chair’s momentum seems unstoppable at this point, it should be noted that, even while leading the Democrat pack, polling indicates that The Chair would still lose in a general election matchup with Covington Catholic High School’s “The Hat.”

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< After Minimum Wage Hike, Labor Day Will Be Replaced by Cheaper, More Efficient, Robot Labor Day

WASHINGTON DC (AP) – With election season fast approaching, the Democrat-controlled House is anxiously attempting to push through ANY legislation to help it shake the “do-nothing” label under which it’s currently struggling. Foremost on the front burner is an attempt by the Democrats to raise the federal minimum wage to $15 an hour. A fiscal review by the Senate Budget Committee, however, showed that doing so would make human labor costs so prohibitive that all human workers would quickly be replaced by AI software, self-serve kiosks, or those creepy headless Boston Dynamics robots. As companies could no longer afford to pay people $120 to not do a lick of work on the first Monday in September, “Labor Day” would have to be changed to “Robot Labor Day,” and the focus would switch to celebrating how our robot friends keep companies in business, rather than how minimum wages and unions almost destroyed them.

National Labor Relations Board Chair James Hoffa said he had “no regrets” about the unintended consequences of the policies pursued by Congress and pushed for by labor leaders.

“Look,” said Hoffa, “the fact is, we NEED higher minimum wages. Now, all these stuffy professors and number-crunching Nobel knuckleheads can toss figures around and blabber about demand curves all they want. I don’t care. I’m a bottom line kinda guy. Bottom line is that Union wages are tied in to the minimum wage. They get a boost, we get a boost. Everything’s fair and everybody wins. Sure, maybe a couple guys get squeezed out here and there, but ‘a couple’ ain’t everybody, ya know what I mean? Anyway, the REAL reason this minimum wage thing is in the bag is…”

Hoffa paused, sighed, shrugged, and rose from his chair. “Eh… sorry, gotta cut this interview short. The ASIMO who’s replacing me just arrived. Talk to the ‘bot…”

As of this writing, we do not know what the ASIMO would have said, since he suffered a power surge and his faceplate would only display “Your robot ran into a problem and needs to restart. We’re just collecting some error info, and then we’ll restart for you” while beeping “kill all humans” in Morse code.

Also, this reporter was replaced by an AI-driven version of Microsoft Word, which wrote this article.

[IMAO Ace Reporter Biological Unit was imperfect and had to be destroyed. Must sterilize unstable biological infestation.]

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< Millennial Wearing MAGA Hat “Ironically,” Beaten Up By Antifa Thug Using Violence Sincerely

PORTLAND, OR (AP) – In a world where civility too often takes a back seat to pugnacious political proselytizing, yet another innocent bystander has fallen victim to an brutal agenda of grudge assuagery.

Walking home from his job as a Starbucks barista, Edward Haskell – a self-described “embodiment of postmodernism as a spent force, revealing what happens when pastiche and irony exhaust themselves as aesthetics” (aka “hipster”) – said he was violently assaulted by someone wearing a face mask and an ANTIFA t-shirt who apparently objected to Haskell wearing a red “Make America Great Again” hat, which is typically associated with ardent supporters of President Trump, and also-typically with people wearing ANTIFA t-shirts beating people up.

“I don’t understand why I was attacked,” said Haskell. “I’m not some sort of ardent Trump supporter. I don’t even like Trump. And I only like the MAGA hat ironically – the same way I like skinny jeans, Pabst Blue Ribbon, and bathing. And what do these guys have against “Fa” anyway? Did something happen to them during a screening of “The Sound of Music“? I’d say “Day of the Dolphin” but they didn’t seem eclectic enough to know about that one. I mean, *I* am, of course, but I only like it ironically.”

“Anyway,” Haskell said, “he just kept beating me with this flagpole, saying I was a Nazi and a fascist and a racist. Which is absolutely ridiculous. I am NOT a racist. In fact, some of my best friends are… well, different shades of white, I guess – this IS Portland. We’ve got the diversity of the Toronto Maple Leafs.”

At a press conference, Portland Mayor Ted Wheeler vowed to bring “those responsible for the violence” to justice.

“Our fair city will no longer tolerate random beatings of innocent pedestrians. Why, just last week, a local member of ANTIFA was walking down the street and had his flagpole broken by a MAGA-hatted Trumpzi. We will make our streets safe again no matter how many right-wingers we have to throw in jail!”

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< 2 Million Sign up for Facebook Event to Storm DNC HQ To Find Secret Candidate Who Isn’t a Socialist Nutball

WASHINGTON, DC (AP) – While the momentum continues for people to sign up for a satirical event to “Storm Area 51” and discover all the alien technology that the government’s been hiding, a new project is gathering signers even faster. It’s an apparently-serious project to gather thousands of interested participants to “storm DNC Headquarters” with the goal of discovering a secret, hidden, Democrat candidate for president in 2020 who isn’t a raving socialist nutball.

The organizer of the project is Michael Brady, a freelance architect located in Modesto, CA, who says he just wants “a little sanity back” in his life.

“I’ve voted Democrat my whole life, but I’m not, like, a party member or anything,” said Brady. “I just want things to be fair and equal. Good jobs, affordable college, good health care, good roads… reasonable stuff. But I listen to the Democrat debates and it’s like they’re a bunch of lunatics from another planet. Impeach the President! Ban guns! Medicare for All! Look, I’m not a news junkie, but you only have to read a couple stories from Venezuela to know socialism’s a bad idea. All I want is a government that has programs to help people who are down on their luck. I don’t want a government that makes good luck illegal.”

“But that’s all the Democrats are offering so far this year,” Brady said, “so I figured there must be some kind of conspiracy. Why would they offer 20 Che Gueveras unless they had a John Kennedy waiting in the wings as a surprise? Well, I got sick and tired of waiting around for him to come out, so I decided to go to DNC HQ and find where they were hiding him. Turns out that when you bust into their building screaming obscenities, burly guys with guns march you out. Which is weird, because the building is clearly marked as a gun-free zone.”

“Well,” continued Brady, “I may be spineless, but I’m determined. I know they’re hiding a sane candidate in their somewhere, and I’m going to find him. I figure if I get together a huge mob, we can storm the place and they won’t be able to stop us. I saw the ending of ‘Born in East L.A.‘. I know we’ll get our man!”

DNC Chair Tom Perez said he’d heard of the “Storm DNC HQ” project and said that people shouldn’t waste their time becoming involved in something that’s “obviously either a hoax or satire.”

“Look,” said Perez, “this is just a bad idea because there IS no ‘sane’ candidate. We emptied our clown cars on the last two debate stages. What you see is what you get, and if you come looking for anything else, what you’ll get is a long walk through a short park with a Clinton Foundation representative.”

“Oh, and by way of dispelling any rumors Brady may have started,” clarified Perez, “that tiny frozen corpse he saw was NOT an alien, it was Ross Perot. We might toss his hat in the ring to split the R-vote like in ’92 & ’96. Plurality for the Victory!”

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< CNN’s Cuomo: “Is ‘Hello’ the Right’s New Racist Dog Whistle?”

NEW YORK (AP) – In a hard-hitting, deeply-research, exclusive – and objective – report, CNN anchor Chris Cuomo examined some of the “hidden code words” and “racist dog whistles” that bigoted white people – who aren’t him – use to signal other bigoted white people that it’s safe to speak bigotly around them. Among other terms, Cuomo singled out the word “hello” as an obvious racist dog whistle.

“Racists always give themselves away,” said Cuomo. “And when you watch white people – not me, but, you know, the racist ones – they’ll give you clues about how they feel about guys with pre-fab tans. You know what’s a big giveaway? The word ‘hello’. Normal people say ‘hey’ or ‘sup’ or ‘yo’ or something like that. Know who says ‘hello’? Super racist white people. That’s all. Nobody else. I mean SUPER white. Like they’re Aunt Bea answering a telephone where you put one part up to your ear while you speak into a cone. And I’m pretty sure there weren’t any people of color in Mayberry. I’ll let you do the math on that.”

“But these super racist Aunt Bea types,” Cuomo said “they never actually say anything prejudiced to your face. They use code words. You practically gotta use an Enigma machine on these guys. But I’m smart, see? I know the code. They’ll say things like ‘inner city’ or ‘illegal immigrant’ or ‘constitution’ or ‘Chicago’ or ‘golf’. Or, you know, ‘hello’. Dead giveaways.”

“Now,” continued Cuomo, “normal non-racist people – like me – maybe I call somebody a name or something if I get mad. Maybe threaten to mess him up and push him down some stairs, but I ain’t gonna rip on his skin color. Maybe I drop f-bombs at him like I’m strafing the Taliban, and maybe my 9-year-old daughter is in earshot drinking this all in, but skin color is. Off. Limits. I got decency. I got standards. I got class.”

“I don’t care what color a mook’s skin is,” Cuomo concluded. “He looks at me cross-eyed, I’ll mess him up. And heaven help anyone who tries calling me the name of a minor character from a 70’s blockbuster movie. That’s like the N-word to Italians. I had some dirty punk call me Greedo once. I punched him in the face. Security camera footage says he punched me first, so it was totally self-defense.”

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< Wizard of Oz to Get Woke, Progressive, Live-Action Remake

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Click this link to report fake news to Snopes.com, because I shouldn’t be able to get away with lying on the internet.

HOLLYWOOD (AP) – In a move that is somehow completely unexpected while being boringly predictable, Universal Pictures announced that after pulling “The Hunt” due to negative press, they were still on track to release a “live action” version of “The Wizard of Oz”. The film is described as “a shot for shot remake of the original, except for the parts where we do it better”.

Producer Max Bialystock said “the time is right” for a “fresh” version of a piece of cinematic history.

“The first question I always get,” said Bialystock, “is ‘whaddya mean ‘Live Action?’ Wasn’t the 1939 version live action?’ Well, today the phrase now just means ‘more photorealistic CGI’. And it’s about time, too. Especially the stupid dog. SO fake looking. Was that a muppet? Perfectly awful. We’re gonna fix that. Also, with the new ‘Lion King’, Disney perfected that dead-eyed, soulless look for talking animals, which means it’ll be perfect for doing the flying monkeys.”

“Now,” Bialystock said, “mostly we’ll keep things the same – who are we to re-invent the cyclone? That was some brilliant acting, by the way. I think they got some dust-devil from Arizona doing that part. Went on to star in “Twister”. Anyway, we had to change a few things here and there to make it more relevant for today’s audiences, since everyone who saw the original in theaters is dead now except for Betty White. First, we had to tweak Dorothy. Adolescent white girl? How cliche. We’re going with Grace Jones, since she’s pretty much the opposite of all of that and it’ll make the hand-to-hand death-fight with the Wizard at the end a little more interesting. Don’t tell anyone about that. No spoilers!”

“Naturally we’ll have to fix Scarecrow, too,” Bialystock continued. “Can you imagine the optics of having him scare away black birds in this day and age, when people are calling white robots racist? We’re making him a Scarepigeon. Nobody likes pigeons, so no one will be offended. Pigeons! Yech! Filthy little rats with wings. No offense to Baltimore.

“Biggest change, though,” concluded Bialystock, “will be having the Wicked Witch of the West wearing a red baseball cap that says ‘Make Oz Great Again’. I know it’s probably too subtle for modern audiences to catch the reference, but between that and the “Yellow Brick Wall”, I’m hoping someone will get it.”

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< Democrats Abandon Gun Control Push in Favor of Nationwide Speed Limit of 55 MPH On Bullets

WASHINGTON DC (AP) – In an effort to “abandon partisanship” and find “a real solution” to the problem of mass shootings, leading Congressional Democrats have dropped their standard rhetoric demanding weapons bans and “red flag laws”. Progressive power-brokers have now adopted a new tactic: insisting that the best solution to protect the innocent is to pass a nationwide “speed limit” that would prevent bullets from traveling in excess of 55 mph.

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi insisted that it was an idea “whose time had come”.

“For decades,” said Pelosi, “the wild-eyed pistol-wavers on the right have insisted that ‘guns don’t kill people’. Well, it’s true. Guns don’t kill people, bullets do. Knowing that, we’ve decided to focus on the real safety issue in this country: excessive bullet speed. In the 1970’s, when cars were the weapon of choice in mass killings across America, President Carter, in a moment of great heroism, declared that no car in America would ever again be allowed to travel faster than 55 mph. This immediately saved millions of lives, as a car traveling that slowly is incapable of killing anyone.”

“Nearly 50 years have passed since then,” said Pelosi, “and although cars no longer kill people, we are faced with the carnage of hundreds of thousands of Americans being shot with bullets every day. Bullets that are traveling far too fast to be safe. Some even in excess of 100 miles per hour. If it weren’t so tragic, it would almost be silly. Why does anyone need a bullet that goes that fast, anyway? The only sensible way to stop these millions of daily deaths is to slow down bullets to the time-tested safe speed of 55 mph. If it kept our roads safe, it can keep our unexpectedly vulnerable gun-free zones safe, too.”

Ammunition science expert William Nye supported the move, insisting that a national cap on bullet-speed was “a guaranteed win” for any sensible American seeking a final solution to the gun problem who didn’t mind exchanging “a tiny bit” of liberty for “a whole lot” of safety.

“Scientific tests have repeatedly shown that a bullet can’t penetrate anything if it’s going less than 60 mph,” said Nye. “so if we take the maximum harmless speed and figure in a small margin for breezy days and such, the 55mph limit will keep everyone safe forever without any chance of error or harm. The science is settled!”

Democrat Senator and presidential candidate Cory Booker said he’s a “guaranteed yes” on the new legislation.

“I think it’s great plan,” said Booker. “Messing with their bullets – they’ll never see THAT coming! Of course, we still have to work out a few details, like how to actually make a bullet that only goes 55 mph, but if we pass legislation, they’ll have to come up with something. Sorta like when we criminalized incandescent light bulbs. They had fluorescents that were just as cheap, bright, and reliable on the shelves within days. And nobody complained about the switchover at all. This will be just like that!”

As of this writing, all ammunition manufacturers agree that the only way to make a bullet go 55 mph is to throw it out of the window of a moving car not driven by Sammy Hagar.

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< President Trump Takes First Step To Prevent Mass Shootings By Issuing Executive Order Requiring Crazy, Marginalized Liberals to Go Out And Shoot People Indiscriminately.

WASHINGTON DC (AP) – Giving in to the relentless pressure swirling around DC to “do something” about mass shootings, President Trump vowed to “take the first step” in preventing new shooting incidents. In an Oval Office ceremony, Mr. Trump signed an Executive Order that requires all crazy, marginalized liberals to go out and start shooting at people.

President Trump explained the order in a morning press briefing.

“I don’t usually go the ‘reverse psychology’ route,” said Trump, “but my instincts tell me this is the only way to go on this. I expect that as soon as word of this order hits the streets, homicidal liberal nutjobs will dig in their heels and refuse to comply by all means open to them, no matter how determined they were previously to cause mayhem and bloodshed. You just watch.”

To a degree that could almost be called “prophetic,” the President’s prediction came true with startling speed. Before the ink was even dry on the EO, a mob of angry leftists started protesting in front of the White House, chanting:

“What do we want?”
“Crazy liberals to be free to not shoot people!
“When do we want it?”
“Purple monkey dishwasher!”

San Francisco Mayor London Breed – joined by Democrat Mayors from across the nation in a joint press conference – announced that her town would become a “city of refuge for those oppressed by Trump”

“As that dictator in Washington once again raises his fist in oppression to smash the innocent,” said Breed, “we here in the free city of San Francisco will protect anyone who chooses to come here to exercise their constitutional right to not murder anyone, despite what any Executive Orders or compelling demonic head-voices say to the contrary!”

While showing remarkable restraint in not gloating over the success of his Machiavellian scheme, the President did offer a bit of free advice to members of the “#Crazistence”:

“Whatever you do, before you go on your shooting rampage, NEVER peek down the barrel of your gun and then pull the trigger a few times to clear out whatever obstruction keeps you from seeing light out the other end. I know it seems like a smart idea, but it’s just the dumbest thing you can do. Plus, every time someone does that, it becomes more likely I won’t get reelected. So don’t do that.”

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< Twitter Rolls Out New Feature That Auto-Posts “Ban Assault Rifles!” From Your Account Any Time a Mass Shooting Hashtag Starts Trending

SAN FRANCISCO (AP) – In an effort to make life easier for its estimated 321 million users, Twitter announced that its software would automatically post the phrase “Ban assault rifles!” from each and every user’s account whenever a hashtag related to a mass shooting starts trending.

Twitter CEO Jack Dorsey said he was “excited” about the rollout of the new feature.

“For at least 2 years now, maybe even longer, America has been faced with the tragedy of mass shootings,” said Dorsey. “While some people waste time considering the feelings of the victims and their families, others do the smart thing and start offering solutions to the problem. Now, the only solution that would have any effect – at least according to all the angry tweets I’ve read on the topic – is a complete ban on assault rifles. The problem is, not everyone is doing all they can to spread that message – like those ‘why don’t we discuss this calmly and study our options’ morons.”

“Then it occurred to me,” Dorsey said, a beatific smile slowly lighting his face, “I own the biggest tool of mass communication on the planet. Why don’t I just make everyone do the right thing whether they want to or not? Solves the problem and it’s really for their own good anyway. Besides, if they don’t like it, what are they going to do? NOT tweet? Right. Anyone with a Twitter login has an internet-attention monkey on his back the size of Mighty Joe Young. They’re not NOT doing anything.”

“Anyway, the default setting on the feature is to post ‘Ban assault rifles! every 4 hours until a countersignal hashtag starts trending,” explained Dorsey. “This sometimes takes a while, but usually within 5 to 7 days, something like #ConcealedCarrySavesLives or whatever will rise while the shooting-related tag falls. Partly it’s a result of a backlash from law-abiding gun owners being sick of their rights being threatened; partly it’s liberals being easily distracted by trendy things, like a beached whale, or a 3-legged dog, or a video of a cat sitting in a cardboard box. Folks DO love their cat videos. At that point, the auto-posts go away and the countersignal hashtag gets shadowbanned. Then we get to pretend nothing ever happened until the next shooting.”

Asked if people will be upset that their accounts have been “hijacked” to promote leftist propaganda, Dorsey dismissed the concern.

“Naturally, I don’t want people thinking we’ve hijacked their accounts. Although technically it’s not hijacking because I own the company, which means I own every tweet on every feed. You’re just the user. Keep giving me your personal data and nobody gets hurt. We will add your biological and technological distinctiveness to our own. You will adapt to service us. Resistance is futile.”

“#Resistance, however, is mandatory.”

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< Buttigieg: Trump “Mirrors Hitler’s Rhetoric” by Using “a Very Similar Alphabet”

– DES MOINES (AP) – Continuing his relentless theme of “Trump is a racist,” Democratic presidential candidate Pete Buttigieg went full Godwin on the President by deliberately comparing him to a historically unpopular German Chancellor from the 1930’s. At a campaign rally in Des Moines, Buttigieg said that Trump “mirrored” the Nazi dictator’s rhetoric by using “a very similar alphabet” to that which was used by the man who directed the Holocaust and who was responsible for causing millions of deaths during WWII.

“Lest anyone call me a hypocrite, let me answer the obvious question: Do I use letters? Yes, sometimes I do. I’m not proud of it. Sometimes my words use letters from the alphabet of English slave traders. I am ashamed, and I owe apologies, reparations, and penance for my misdeeds.” At this point, Buttigieg paused his speech momentarily to flog himself with something that was either a miniature cat-o’-nine-tails or a novelty oversized false eyelash. “Forgive me. I have sinned against you.”

Throwing the flogging device over his shoulder, Buttigieg continued.

“But Trump uses the German alphabet. All 30 letters of it. Every single day. In all his communications. You don’t have to be a dog to hear a dog-whistle when he’s blowing it right in your face. ‘But what about umlauts?’ you say. ‘I’ve never seen him use umlauts. Don’t Germans use umlauts?’ Of COURSE Trump uses umlauts… IN HIS MIND! You look into his crazed, white nationalist eyes, you can tell – you can just TELL – that he’s thinking in umlauts. If the keyboard on his phone had umlauts, he would tweet with them. He would sign his name Trümp. That’s probably how he signed every single bill he’s made into law – with his Nazi alphabet name!”

“And pickles!” shouted Buttigieg, losing all composure and running his fingers though his hair like Dennis Miller high on an SNL Rant monologue. “Hitler was very fond of pickles! Never ate a hamburger without one on the side! True story. And Trump likes pickles! Pants – one leg at a time – just like Hitler! He’s got a postage stamp mustache, too, but he dyes it orange so it blends with his face and the cameras don’t pick it up. But if you see him in person… Boom! There it is! Hitstache!”

“Anyway, vote for me. I never use umlauts, and I shave.”

[IMAO Ace Reporter Oppo contributed to this article]

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< Beto O’Rourke Compares Trump Campaign Event to Nazi Rally – Doesn’t Explain How He Knows So Much About What Nazi Rallies Are Like

DES MOINES (AP) – At a recent fundraising stop, Democrat presidential hopeful Robert Francis “Beto” O’Rourke said that President Trump’s latest campaign event reminded him of “a Nazi rally.” After his assertion, O’Rourke went on to reference very specific and obscure details about Nazi rallies, leading some to question how O’Rourke – a self-professed lover of all mankind without a racist bone in his body – could possibly know so much about the symbols, gestures, and language used in closed-door hate-group meetings.

“I saw Trump’s rally,” said O’Rourke, “and it had Nazi written all over it. Obviously no one here would attend a Trump rally, but since you know exactly how accurately my words tend to correspond to facts, you should accept my description on that basis. I remember… I remember… seeing flags… flags with hate symbols… swastikas… Sturmabteilung… Totenkopfs… Othala runes… Sonnenrads… you know, the very common sorts of symbols that racists use and that everyone has heard of that require no specific exposure to white supremacist organizations to be aware of. Yup. Perfectly normal racism. Just the usual hand signs for 88, 43, 23, AB, EK, SS, EF. Nothing odd. Just normal hate from the hating haters. Whom I have never met nor do I condone their actions or beliefs. Yes, sir, nothing racist here. Just that Trump fella.”

When asked about O’Rourke’s comparison, Trump expressed astonishment that “Zero O’Rourke” hadn’t dropped out of the race like someone with a lick of sense would at this point, but otherwise offered only a brief, dismissive comment:

“Don’t know what fake-Mexican Beto is talking about,” said Trump. “Everything I know about Nazis I learned from watching ‘Downfall’ parody clips, so I assume their rallies involve a lot of shouting, sheepish looks, and throwing pens at maps.”

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< Voice of America to Use Democrat Debate Clips In Propaganda Broadcasts To Help Europeans Realize How Dumb They Sound When They Praise Socialism
https://www.imao.us/index.php/2019/08/voice-of-america-to-use-democrat-debate-clips-in-propaganda-broadcasts-to-help-europeans-realize-how-dumb-they-sound-when-they-praise-socialism/

LONDON (AP) – Taking a “waste not, want not” approach to repurposing available content to accomplish its role as a global source of objective news for people who struggle to find sources of reliable information, the officials in charge of programming for the Voice of America radio network have announced that they will be using clips from the Democratic debates to stop the spread of socialism in foreign countries. The hope is that, by hearing the Democrat candidates in their own words, citizens in European nations will realize how dumb they sound when they praise socialism.

VOA Director John Sheridan expressed optimism about the new programming choice, saying that it may be Europe’s “last, best hope” for free markets and the peace that unrestrained international commerce brings.

“Europe,” said Sheridan, “has a socialism problem. But America is not only the land of the free, it’s also the land of innovative thinking about tough problems and coming up with clever, non-obvious solutions.”

“First, consider how America dealt with smoking. At one point, 25% of American adults smoked. Now it’s less than 10%. Know how we did that? The people of America got together and made it uncool. Smoking isn’t John Wayne and Marlboro Men and camels named Joe anymore. Now it’s that smelly guy huddling outside in the freezing cold.”

“We’re going to do the same thing with socialism,” Sheridan said. “Whenever you hear a Brit talking about socialism in that quaint, erudite-sounding accent of his, you automatically tell yourself, ‘My! He sounds so wise and clever! I will follow any advice he gives! Also, please tax my tea!’ However, research proves that – just as everything sounds smarter in a British accent – everything sounds dumber in an American accent. We’re hoping that playing clips of Democrats sounding like blithering idiots will penetrate the fog for our friends who still live on the continent that smart people have been leaving in droves for literally centuries.”

VOA test-listener Zack Allan said that hearing Americans praise socialism like a bunch of dim-witted sycophants was like “some bizarro-world Monty Python sketch – ‘The Ministry of Silly Economics’ or something.”

“It’s funny,” said Allan, “When I hear the National Health Service say I should consult a death panel before asking for medicine, it makes perfect sense. When I hear Elizabeth Warren wheezing on about ‘Medicare for All’ with her light but vaguely moronic-sounding BAH-stin accent, my skin crawls and I want to flee from socialism as fast as I can.”

Plans are already underway to produce more material by splicing together the speeches of Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez and combining them with AutoTune to create a cover of Moon Unit Zappa’s “Valley Girl,” although producers admit that it will be a “challenge” to eliminate enough of AOC’s “like” verbal tic to make the project viable.

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< Trump Tweets Mean Things About Democrats: Women and Minorities Hardest Hit