WASHINGTON, DC (AP) – After President Trump published a series of tweets pointing out the shortcomings of a number of elected Democrats, critics of the Commander-in-Chief insisted that the criticisms were completely unrelated to policy choices, but rather stemmed entirely from immutable personal characteristics, such as race and gender.

Democrat Congresswoman Rashida Tlaib – a recent victim of Trumpian diatribes – said she “knows 100%” that President Trump wouldn’t tweet-bash her if she were white.

“Just because I believe in socialism,” said Tlaib “which – within 20 years – turned a prosperous, oil-rich South American nation into a starving mob of zoo-monkey-eaters trapped in a toilet-paperless nightmare, doesn’t mean that that capitalist pig Trump has any non-racist reasons to single me out. After all, he’s a socialist, too. He just wants the kind where government doesn’t confiscate people’s property and choke individual initiative with webs of bureaucratic hoop-jumping which eventually devolve into a brutal conflagration of blood, whips, and guns. So in essence, Trump and I see eye-to-eye economically. He just hates that my eye is brown. Because he’s a racist”.

Dr. Walrus K.K. Kechoo, professor of psychology at Miskatonic University, unindicted Trump sympathizer, and right wing conspiracist, disagreed with Tlaib’s assessment.

“While it is true,” said Kechoo “that President Trump sometimes criticizes Democrats – especially the dumb ones – it’s strictly on the basis of their anti-free-market ideology, and it’s really just a quirk of statistics. Allow me to explain with simple logic: minorities tend to be Democrats; Democrats tend to vehemently disagree with Trump; Trump vehemently yells at those who disagree with him. Thus, Ipso Facto, Quid Pro Quo, Illegitimi Non Carborundum: Trump yells at minorities more than non-minorities.”

Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez disagreed, saying she was “convinced” that the criticisms flowed from Trump’s innate racism.

“Why would anyone ever criticize me?” asked Ocasio-Cortez. “Certainly not for ideological reasons. Heck, I can’t even spell ‘ideological’ without an app. I mean, like, just because I believe in socialism, the ideology which has only filled 100 million graves in the last hundred years – which probably isn’t even half of what climate change will do in the next decade if UN climate experts are right. Which they are. Because the science is settled. Like an undercooked hamburger into a queasy stomach. The point is, there’s nothing wrong with me. I mean, like, I’m not always right, and maybe I’m a little too into shoes, and sometimes I tar and feather Barbie dolls because I can’t stand that smug look on her perfect little face, but that’s just, like, normal, right? Trump’s gotta hate me for my skin color. Which matches my shoes. Aren’t they the cutest?”

Asked if he did, indeed, hate women and minorities, President Trump clarified his position by saying.

“Yes. Every single one of them who advocates for socialism. But only because they say dumb things. I hate people who say dumb things. Sometimes *I* say dumb things, too, and I hate myself for that. But I really do hate all socialists. Like Crazy Barry Sanders and Sleepy Joe Biden. I hate fake-Mexican O’Rourke, too. But only because he’s Irish.”

[IMAO Ace Reporters Frank J. and walruskkkch contributed to this story]

—–

< Democrats Send Thoughts and Prayers to El Paso Shooter for Giving Them an Excuse to Call Trump Racist While Calling for New Gun Laws That Wouldn’t Have Made a Difference

MANCHESTER, NH (AP) – Within hours of a mass shooting in El Paso, 2020 Democrat hopefuls took to the airwaves to reach out with their thoughts and prayers to the shooter, Patrick Crusius, thanking him for providing them with an excuse to accuse President Trump of racism and advocate for new restrictive gun laws that wouldn’t have made a difference.

“My thoughts and prayers go out to Patrick Crusius,” New Jersey Senator Cory Booker said. “There is complicity in the president’s hatred. Because in a time of rising hatred, it’s not enough to say that ‘I’m not a hate monger myself.’ If you are not actively working against hate, you are complicit in what is going on. You have to actively hate hate. You have to be a hate hater, hating hate with a hateful hatred, or you’re just another hater. Because, except for hateful hatred hating, hate is horrible!”

South Bend Mayor Pete Buttigieg said “my thoughts and prayers go out to Patrick Crusius” because “confronting white nationalist terrorism would be embarrassing for a president who helped stoke many of these feelings in this country to begin with. At best, Trump is condoning and encouraging white nationalism,” Buttigieg said. “Everyone knows that Trump is a white nationalist because he took an oath – voluntarily, mind you – to protect the Constitution. But what does the Constitution say about people who aren’t white? That they’re only 3/5 of a person! Do the math people! That means President Trump thinks he’s 5/3 better than anyone who’s not white! He might as well have pulled the trigger.”

After saying that her “thoughts and prayers go out to Patrick Crusius,” Senator Kamala Harris also found blame in Trump’s use of language, saying “We have a president of the United States who has chosen to use his words in a way that has been about selling hate and division among us. Selling it! Probably making a tidy profit on it, too. If he were any kind of human being, he would give away hate and division for free, like I do.”

Bernie Sanders also sent “thoughts and prayers to Mr. Crusius” before switching the subject to guns.

“Assault weapons are designed for one reason. They are military weapons,” Sanders said, urging the Senate to “have a special session to address gun violence in America and let us finally have the courage to take on the NRA. This same NRA that wants every American in America to go around shooting other Americans. An organization dedicated to bloodshed and killing and a gun behind every bush, behind every tree, and in every pocket. If it were any worse, my heavily-armed Secret Service detachment wouldn’t be able keep me protected from crazy shooters, and I’d have to risk getting cut down like a common unarmed citizen in flyover country.”

Senator Elizabeth Warren paused briefly to “send thoughts and prayers out to Patrick” before explaining that the Senate should immediately vote on some sort of gun bill. “It’s not everything we need to do on gun safety, but we could take important steps, and we could demonstrate to the American people that the gun manufacturers are not the ones who are calling the shots in Washington… no pun intended. Anyway, if we can ban one gun and save just one life, that’s enough, as long as it’s the life of a mass shooter. That way, we can use his murder spree to pass more gun laws.”

Although President Trump didn’t offer “prayers” for Crusius, he did tweet a thought:

“The first time you pulled the trigger, you should’ve checked your aim. Your muzzle was off-target by 180 degrees.”

—–

< New Study Shows Wind Turbines Stopping Earth’s Rotation. Can We Survive Global Slowing?

—–

If you liked this article, please tell Ace of Spades HQ. I’d love to get a link from them.

CAMBRIDGE, MA (AP) – While studying renewable energy efficiencies, researchers at MIT discovered that the increasing use of wind turbines to produce electricity has a previously unconsidered side effect – it’s slowing down the rotation of the earth.

MIT climate professor Herbert West explained how his research may cause a rethinking of global energy production.

“I blame Newton for inventing the third law of motion,” said West. “If he didn’t make it so that things had equal and opposite reactions, we wouldn’t be in this bind. However, the fact is that when the wind blows across the turbine blade, it is actually pushing on the tower, which in turn pushes against the earth. This acts very much like how a ship’s propeller pushes a boat through the water. For any given wind turbine, the effect is negligible. However, there are millions of these ‘propellers’ working all over the planet every day, each doing its tiny part to put on the brakes. The effect is cumulative, and dangerous. If this trend continues – and we have no reason to believe it won’t – the Earth will eventually become tidally locked and always keep the same face to the sun, just as the moon always keeps the same face to the Earth.”

“The bad news,” West said, “is that one side of the earth will be boiling and the other side will be freezing, and most life on the planet will die out. There will only be a thin habitable ring at the twilit penumbral edge of where daylight meets darkness.”

“The good news is that AVERAGE global temperature will still be the same, which should solve our climate change problem.”

Nancy Pelosi – doing her best to act concerned despite being too botoxed to force her eyebrows down into an actual “I’m worried” look – said that she and her fellow Democrats have already come up with a plan to fight “global slowing”.

“Although nobody knows exactly what form the final solution will take,” said Pelosi, “we envision a massive government spending program to build giant fans next to each and every wind turbine. These fans will blow in the opposite direction of the turbines, and will thus counterbalance the force they exert on the planet, leaving us both carbon- AND thrust-neutral. The best part is that we can run the fans by hooking them up directly to the power from the wind turbines, so this will all basically be free.”

President Trump had little to say on the topic, other than a single tweet aimed at Pelosi’s proposal: “Friend of mine runs a pig farm outside of Vegas. Very successful. He calls me & says his pigs are filthy and he needs a million gallons of hogwash. I told him ‘I know where to find some’. Thanks, Nancy!”

WASHINGTON DC (AP) – It’s a move that goes far beyond doubling down and might be better described as “pushing all his chips to the center of the table and daring his opponent to call”.

And, unlike at Obama’s table, this isn’t a bluff.

President Trump – tired of the same old political tapdancing and namecalling by media proxies – has issued a challenge to Democrat Congressman Elijah Cummings (D-MD), whose district includes most of the city of Baltimore. After Cummings objected to a Trump tweet referring to Baltimore as “a disgusting, rat and rodent infested mess,” – and after his media proxies used every available opportunity to, bizarrely, describe a tweet about rats as “racist” – President Trump said he would personally “out of my own pocket” pay for a broad-based rodent abatement plan for the entire city of Baltimore, but only if Congressman Cummings agreed to resign his position as Maryland’s 7th District Representative.

During a brief press conference, President Trump presented his offer, and well as some harshly provocative taunting that some described as “over the line” and “unbecoming the office of President”.

“How about it Eli? Can I call you Eli? How about Jah? How about socialist scumbag who feathered his own nest while his constituents in their government birdhouses got overrun by rats?” said Trump.

“For once in your life, Jah, do something for the people whose interests you took an oath to represent. Unlike everything else you’ve ever done in office, your resignation would actually help these people, because if you take me up on my offer, they will actually get the help they need. Who is more important to you – you, or your constituents? The offer is on the table. You have a choice to make. Do you have the guts to be a statesman – even though it doesn’t help you personally – or are you just another cowardly politician?”

“The whole world is watching, Jah, and the people of Baltimore await your reply.”

As of this writing, Rep. Cummings has yet to reply. But in Baltimore – with townhall meeting season fast approaching – tar, feather, and rail sales are noticeably brisk.

—–

< The Ratings Are in – Second Round of Dem Debates Officially Ranked As More Wretched Hive Of Scum And Villainy

—–

Remember: If you see fake news, report it to Snopes immediately, because only you can protect the integrity of the internet!

DETROIT (AP) – After two long days of endless Democrat talking points during the debates broadcast from Detroit, the viewer ratings have been tallied, and the event has been officially ranked as a more wretched hive of scum and villainy than even the previous record held by Tatooine’s legendary Mos Eisley Spaceport.

Kamala Harris, the only actual contender who debated directly with frontrunner Joe Biden, still seemed not to have forgiven him for his votes opposing busing, as every time anyone said the word “bus”, she would dash over to Biden and begin pummeling him about the head and shoulders with her shoe while screaming “segregationist!”. Weirdly, this also happened in response to the phrases “business taxes” and “omnibus spending bill”. It’s unclear whether her “Medicare for All” plan will cover whatever mental disorder she suffers from.

Elizabeth Warren, by all accounts having the most successful night of her campaign, managed to correctly respond “Elizabeth Warren”, “to seek the American Presidency”, and “blue” to her questions; unlike Steve Bullock, who missed the third question and was launched from the stage. His graceful arc led the debate moderators to hold up score cards of 7, 8, and 7, respectively. Bullock was likely penalized for not sticking the landing, as he wound up in a tangled heap with Pete Buttigieg, who had previously been ejected over his lack of Assyrian geographical knowledge. Warren was given high marks for managing, for one night, to break with her standard answer to every question of “a new government program“.

Bernie Sanders threw caution and – during one particularly energetic outburst – his dentures to the wind, pulling out all the stops to make sure that no candidate was able to criticize him for “not being far enough left.” Doubling, tripling, and quadrupling down on his ambitious “Medicare for All” program, Sanders said that – for purposes of his new entitlement – food, clothing, shelter, and income would be considered medical treatments to be provided under the government’s universal care policy. Toilet paper… no promises.

Robert Francis “Beto” O’Rourke, looking to revive his floundering campaign, responded to his first question by jumping on top of his podium and declaring “I would tear them down, burn the rubble, plow the ashes under, and salt the earth. Then ride through and shoot the wounded.” Apparently he was expecting a foreign policy question instead of the one that was actually asked about school choice programs. In a later interview however, he insisted “you heard me!”

The third round of Democrat debates will be held on September 12th and 13th, and will feature live audience call-in voting, with any participant failing to meet the minimum advancement criteria to be immediately dropped into a Sarlacc pit.

—–

< AOC Hits NYT Best Seller List With “Economics For Dummies”

—–

Remember: If you see fake news, report it to Snopes immediately, because only you can protect the integrity of the internet!

NEW YORK CITY (AP) – In yet another triumph for the freshman Democrat political up-and-comer, Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez’s new book, “Economics for Dummies,” is now perched neatly atop the New York Times best seller list, with over 4 million copies sold so far.

During her interview, Ocasio-Cortez discussed her experience with economics and the inspiration for this book.

“I’m smart. Like, super-smart, OK?” said Ocasio-Cortez. “I have a degree in economics from Boston University. Do you have one? No. That means you’re a dummy. So in order to talk to you about, like, economics and stuff, I have to talk down to you, like I would to a dummy or the salesjerk who sold me my $625 black Manolo Blahnik stilettos and kept calling me ‘miss’ like my marital status was any of her business.”

Sales of the book are brisk and reviews generally positive. However, there does some to be some categorizational confusion for the work. Although Ocasio-Cortez insists she wrote it as “a manual for dumb people who want to get smart, like, like me,” and pitched its marketing toward university-level economics courses, most of the sales are coming from bookstores and Amazon.com, where the book is routinely categorized under “humor”.

While online reviews were generally pithy, such as “If you aren’t a dummy, this book will make you one,” reviews such as this one from Amazon were also typical:

“Brilliant satire of the ‘for Dummies’ series’s patronizing simplicity. The tongue-in-cheek self-seriousness of such sentences as ‘Unemployment is low because everyone has two jobs‘ are the giveaway hints that even high school remedial econ flunkers will recognize as the smiling wink and nod of pretend idiocy the gives away the game with near Pythonesque exaggeration. Perhaps TOO exaggerated though, as no one could be this pig-ignorant of basic economics and still be smart enough to remember to breathe.”

Ocasio-Cortez herself, however, said that she was not actually aware of the “for Dummies” franchise. Rather, she chose the name out of the honest contempt she feels for anyone who would know so little about economics that they would come to her for advice.

To be fair, anyone who fits that description thoroughly deserves contempt. Assuming they exist.

—–

< Liberal Research Vessel Returns from Global Search; Unable to Locate Anyone Not Entitled to US Health Care, Welfare Payments, or Voting Rights

NEW YORK CITY (AP) – After a journey spanning 5 years and over 100,000 nautical miles, a liberal research vessel has finally returned home to the New York harbor from which it originally launched. After stopping in 197 countries and interviewing over 50,000 people, the researchers report that they were unable to locate anyone who was not entitled to US health care, welfare payments, or voting rights.

Lead researcher, world-renowned journalist Henry Morton Stanley, explained that he considered the mission a “success.”

“It started off as a dream,” said Stanley, a tear coming to his eye. “A dream of spreading mercy and kindness abroad to those who deserved it but weren’t getting it. We were looking to see if maybe – just maybe – someone who didn’t have the good luck to be born within America’s borders might be deserving to share in some of the perks and goodies that others seem to be entitled to for a mere accident of geography. We didn’t know what we’d find. We thought one, or maybe two percent of our interviewees would be worthy. Before we left, some ‘Occupy’ veterans even joked it’d be ‘99%’. What we found was beyond our wildest imaginings! EVERY SINGLE PERSON WE TALKED TO – and we talked to thousands – met our criteria to be entitled to an endless stream of US government benefits. Not just those fortunate few with American Privilege. Everybody.”

Addressing skepticism from statisticians who were likely on the payroll of the same shadowy cabal of Russians that owns President Trump, Stanley called the criticism “unfounded”.

“There will always be those who refuse to accept facts,” Stanley said. “One critic even compared our ‘100%’ finding to the sorts of outcomes one sees in rigged election in third-world ratholes like Cuba or Detroit. But that’s not it at all. Our organization, ‘Socialists Without Borders,’ has only one goal: fairness. We want to give things to people according to their needs – after we get it from the undeserving rich according to our ability to get new government-funded programs created. We have a lot of compassion, so it’s not surprising that we can see all people in all lands as simply human beings. Human beings who deserve American stuff.”

“There was one time, though,” said Stanley, “when we thought we’d finally found a ‘non-qualifier’. We’d stumbled across this one guy wearing a bomb belt and yelling ‘death to America!’ He just didn’t sound interested in what we had to offer. But after we explained that not only would he get free stuff, but he’d also be able to throw a wrench into the infidel’s elections, too, he was all like ‘Democracy! Whiskey! Sexy!‘ and seemed very much on board with the program. Until he dropped the trigger to his bomb belt and blew himself up. Oh well. At least he can still vote in Chicago.”

[IMAO Ace Reporter Oppo contributed to this story]

—–

< Authorities Shut Down Kids’ Lemonade Stand for Not Catering Gay Wedding

SEATTLE (AP) – Seattle’s city government is mired in controversy today after officials from the Office of Equity and Human Rights shut down a lemonade stand run by two little girls after a complaint was filed against the pair for not catering a gay wedding.

The complainants, Chuck Levine and Larry Valentine, reported that they were unfairly and illegally discriminated against by the accused and their retail beverage distribution company, “Yumee Lemunayde.”

“We were driving through the neighborhood and saw these two cute little girls with their cute little cups and precious little pitcher of lemonade and their fabulous little hand-lettered sign with the atrocious spelling, and I told Larry that we HAVE to have these two cater our wedding,” said Levine. “I mean, it’s just not a wedding without lemonade. Although I suppose it’s not really a wedding without a bride, either, but my mom’s wedding dress makes me look hippy, so THAT’S not happening.”

“Anyway,” said Valentine, continuing Levine’s story, “we told the girls they were going to cater our wedding, and they just sort of looked at each other in horror, started crying, then ran inside yelling for their mommy. Well, mommy came out telling us they weren’t catering anything for us because ‘they’re only eight’. Although Chuck swears she said ‘they only hate’. Judging from their rude reaction, I think Chuck may have been right.”

“Well,” continued Levine, “we decided to let it slide, so we drove around for a while looking for a Christian bakery to do drinks for us, but some reason they’re all out of business now, so that was a bust. That’s when we decided to play hardball. I may not be the butchest belle at the ball, but I’m not going to get pushed around by a couple of 8 year olds. Even if they do have adorable matching outfits.”

The twins, Mary-Kate and Ashley Johnson, seemed very upset by the experience.

“I don’t know HOW to crater a wedding! Is that like when they make holes in the moon? Do I have to go to the moon?” wailed Mary Kate.

“No,” corrected Ashley “it’s GATOR. I think those are shoes. Like Crocs, except uglier. I think they want us to pour the lemonade into shoes for them to drink out of. Grown-ups are weird.”

A spokesman for Country Time Lemonade’s #SaveLemonadeStands legal task force promised to represent the Johnson’s pro bono and vowed to “throw so many lawyers at those guys they’ll think they got run over by a rugby scrum.”

Although still considering options, Levine and Valentine implied they might be dropping the complaint.

“We actually found a cute little Muslim bakery in town that said they would help us,” said Levine. “Their only condition was that, after the wedding, we’d have to let them throw us off the roof. Which seemed a little odd, but Muslims get discriminated against a lot, too, so I feel like we owe it to them to respect their culture and beliefs.”

—–

< Mayors Threatened with Jail As Court Declares Sanctuary Cities Constitute Unconstitutional “Quartering” Under Third Amendment

WASHINGTON, DC (AP) – A federal judge has ruled that so-called “sanctuary cities” – which refuse to cooperate with federal authorities in turning over illegal immigrants – put their mayors in violation of the US Constitution’s Third Amendment, and that those mayors may be at risk of fines or jail time for depriving citizens of their rights. The Third Amendment reads “No Soldier shall, in time of peace be quartered in any house, without the consent of the Owner, nor in time of war, but in a manner to be prescribed by law.”

In a ruling being decried by liberals as “judicial overreach” and “legislating from the bench” Judge Richard Farris effectively closed the door on sanctuary cities in the US.

“It seems very straightforward to me,” said Farris, “although you do have to break it down a bit. First, we’re not a war, so ignore the last two clauses. Second, what is a ‘soldier’? Well, since legal precedent suggests that the ‘militia’ is made up of anyone who carries a gun, it stands to reason that a ‘soldier’ is someone who carries a gun. Or a knife. Or a sword cane. Or a floss pick. Pretty much any weapon, really. In fact, America’s TSA defines weapons to include knitting needles and fingernail clippers, so the definition of ‘soldier’ is pretty broad. Therefore, it also stands to reason that anyone who crosses the border into the US with anything pointy in his pocket can be considered a ‘soldier’ for legal purposes.”

“The next phrase, ‘quartered in any house’ – now THAT’S some plain language,” Farris said. “If there’s any soldier quartered anywhere in a sanctuary city, there’s a legal problem. Now in ‘without the consent of the owner’, things get a little tricky. The defense argued in this case that the Mayor is the de facto ‘owner’ of the city, so he’s allowed to consent. This court takes the opposite approach. The Mayor is the servant of the owners, and can consent to nothing. As for whether an individual property owner can consent without the permission of his neighbors, obviously the answer in this case is ‘no’, since having illegals in your house negatively affects your neighbors’ property values. The consent in this case must me unanimous.”

Therefore,” concluded Farris, “any Mayor who passes a sanctuary city law aids and abets criminal behavior which deprives citizens of their civil rights and he can be held legally liable, if convicted, on a case-by-case basis.”

Since the ruling, the Mayors of New York, Chicago, and San Francisco have gone into hiding, and are currently the focus of nationwide manhunts.

Supreme Court Justice Brett Kavanaugh, although usually reticent to comment on prospective cases, did offer a brief comment, saying “that’s the most convoluted mishmash of legal mumbo jumbo and pure made-up idiot garbage I’ve ever seen. On the other hand, Trump said that if he backed me through my confirmation, I’d owe him some border security. So if this hits the SCOTUS docket, I’m playing ball.”

Meanwhile, stock in Greyhound Bus Lines Inc. – most states’ deportation transportation of choice – rose 23 points in record trading.

—–

< Web Reference Giant “Wikipedia” Officially Changes Its Name to “The Memory Hole”

SAN FRANCISCO (AP) – In a surprise re-branding move, the most-searched web reference page in the world, ‘Wikipedia,’ announced that it has officially changed the site’s name to “The Memory Hole”.

Anastasia Tremaine, the chairwoman of the Wikimedia Foundation – owner and operator of the Wikipedia site – explained the reasoning behind the name change which took many users by surprise.

“No offense to [Wikipedia co-founder] Jimmy Wales,” said Tremaine, “but everyone agrees that ‘Wikipedia’ is probably the dumbest name for anything on the internet since ‘weblog’ lost its first two letters. I mean, ‘pedia’ means having to do with little kids, and ‘wiki’ sounds like that annoying robot from the Buck Rogers TV show. You would not believe how many inquiries I get every day from people looking for robots for little kids. Geez! Buy a Furby and leave me alone, people! So we talked to our marketing people and told them we wanted something that didn’t remind people of chattering animatronic nightmare fuel. Something warm and comforting.”

“They came back with ‘memory’ – which reminds us of grandma’s cookies, walks on the beach, or our first Antifa rally – and ‘whole,’ which means complete,” Tremaine said. “And since we’re the ultimate repository of human knowledge, it makes sense our name means ‘whole memory’. Although for marketing reasons, we put a little Yoda grammar on it, and then for trademarking purposes we made the ‘w’ both silent and invisible. Marketing genius!”

“Also,” continued Tremaine, “we want our name to help convince people that, when they come to The Memory Hole, they’re going to get the ‘whole’ truth. And current truth, too. For example, we’re making a special effort to make our collection of right-wing authors more congruent to current truth. Which currently is that such authors – if they exist, which they probably actually don’t – can’t meet our infallible standard of group consensus. As such, they certainly have no place up on our front page. So down The Memory Hole they’ll go into obscurity and non-existence. Sarah Hoyt? Michael Z. Williamson? Tom Kratman? John Ringo? Brad Torgersen?Never heard of them. And YOU’VE never heard of them, either. Poof! All gone! That is the current truth. You want the old, inconvenient truth? Try Infogalactic. I’ve heard they’re years behind the truth curve.”

Asked whether she had any reservations about the new name’s possible negative connotations of repressive censorship as portrayed in George Orwell’s novel ‘1984,’ Tremaine looked puzzled, then searched for ‘1984’ on The Memory Hole. “Not here.” she said. “I think this ‘novel’ you speak of never really existed and was something you just completely made up. After all, facts without a consensus of sources do not have sufficient current truth value to justify our documentary resource expenditure. All doubleplus untruths are subject to speedy deletion.”

As of this writing, the current truth on The Memory Hole is that “the page ‘IMAO.US’ does not exist.”

—–

< “Fight for $15!” Shouts Liberal Who’s Never Had to Meet a Payroll or Turn a Profit

PORTLAND, OR (AP) – Protesters gathered outside a local McDonald’s to chant slogans in favor of a $15/hour federal minimum wage. The group was led by a life-long liberal who has never run a business, and has absolutely no idea what it takes to meet an employee payroll or turn a profit.

Maynard Krebs, a 29-year-old self-described “stay at home student,” currently pursuing a double-masters in Grievance Studies and Alternative Economics, explained his interest in the “Fight for $15” movement.

“This place is a total rip-off. They have all this food here, all these straws and napkins and sporks. This place is lousy with greedy bourgeoisie wealth, but they refuse to share it,” said Krebs, helping himself to a handful of straws, which, although given to customers for free, were delivered to the restaurant for a non-zero cost.

“I mean look at that guy running the checkout over there. There must be thousands of dollars in that till, but you can be sure all that pirate booty in the cash register isn’t being split with the workers,” said Krebs, oblivious to the fact that the cash register in question recently underwent repairs at some considerable cost to the owner, not to mention the downtime causing some potential customers to leave in frustration during a lunchtime backup, resulting in lost sales.

“You know who’s making out like a bandit, though? The owner of this dump. He’s got money to burn that just rolls into his pocket without him having to lift a finger. Stealing bread – well, burgers – out of the mouths of the working class. Like that poor, obviously overworked manager in the white shirt over there,” Krebs said, pointing a soft, callusless finger to a man wearing a “manager” tag, who was actually the owner having to cover, without notice, the closing shift of a feckless assistant manager who called in sick, while laughing to his friends, “the sick PARTY we’re going to tonight!”

“Yup, I won’t rest until this place pays all of its workers the fair, honest wage of $15 an hour every laborer deserves,” Krebs concluded, unaware that the driver of truck that stocked the restaurant’s daily food order that morning actually made over $20 an hour, since his labor added in excess of that amount to the value of the restaurant’s overall operations.

—–

< Final Jeopardy Clue Stumps All: No One Knows “What Democrats Would Do Differently if They Were Deliberately Trying to Collapse Western Civilization”

CULVER CITY, CA (AP) – In a comparatively rare event on America’s favorite game show, all three Jeopardy! contestants were stumped by the Final Jeopardy answer of “What Democrats would do differently if they were deliberately trying to collapse western civilization”, with none of them able to provide the correct question.

Jonas Grumby, a retired Navy Captain, explained how he missed what he later conceded to be a “gimme” clue.

“As a retired Navy officer, I tend to think of America’s greatness in terms of its military strength,” said Grumby, “so I was pretty confident the correct response would have something to do with weakening the military. Well, the obvious thing would be to undermine the readiness of our troops by filling combat operations billets with physically unqualified personnel. So I put down “what is putting women in combat roles?”. After Alex Trebek read the correct question, I literally – and you can see this on the YouTube clip – smacked myself in the forehead when I realized my response was wrong because Democrats were already doing that.”

Mary Ann Summers, a farmer from Winfield, Kansas, said she was “blindsided” when the correct response was revealed.

“I’ve raised a lot of animals and a lot of crops in my day,” said Summers. “Farming’s hard work, and you have to work with reality. Farmers who work with wishful thinking… well, I buy a lot of their equipment for cheap at foreclosure auctions. So I was thinking that what would really wreck things is persuading people that wishful thinking was just as real as the laws of nature. You can call a rooster a chicken, but you’re sure not gonna have eggs for breakfast if you do. So I said ‘what is promoting gender confusion?’ Then Alex said what the correct question was, and I just blushed from head to toe, because I realized that Democrats were already doing that.”

Professor Roy Hinkley, a man with doctorate degrees in physics, engineering, and chemistry said he felt “foolish” for failing Final Jeopardy.

“I’m a well-credentialed man, and I love doing research,” said Hinkley “but over recent months, I’ve dealt with a lot of student protests on campus. Smashing windows, overturning cars, setting things on fire – usually over something stupid, like a speaker coming to campus the College Democrats didn’t invite. And I’ve been beat up a few times walking across the campus just for being in the wrong place at the wrong time. How am I supposed to think and create and invent when I’m laid up in a hospital and hooligans have set my lab on fire? So I was positive I had the right question when I wrote “what is protect violence like it was free speech?” That confident feeling dissolved like potassium chlorate in sulfuric acid when Alex read the correct question. I guess I really am the ‘absent-minded professor’, because that’s when it hit me like an Antifa baseball bat: Democrats are already doing that.”

On the now-viral video clip, Alex Trebek can clearly be heard reading the correct response: “What is nothing?”

—–

< Bernie Sanders: Real Hero of “Lion King” is Scar

DAVENPORT, IA (AP) – Setting box office records for the biggest opening of a Disney remake, featuring photorealistic animals, who sing a lot, and which isn’t “The Jungle Book”, Disney’s new “Lion King” has won broad praise from critics who want to keep being invited to early screenings of Disney movies. Meanwhile, Democrat presidential candidate Bernie Sanders hoped to take advantage of the buzz by name-dropping the movie in his rather startling assertion that Scar, and not Simba, is the REAL hero of “The Lion King”.

Sanders explained his somewhat unconventional perspective.

“I don’t know why Scar always gets a bad rap,” said Sanders. “Maybe it’s his wild blue eyes, or his shocking mane of unkempt white hair that people are always making fun of, saying things like ‘Scar’s a millionaire, you’d think he could afford a stylist whose only connection to hair isn’t that he was once a homeless guy in front of a Great Clips.’ Anyway, Scar’s the REAL hero of this film. Think about what he did: he overthrew a despotic dictator who thought he owned everything the sunlight touched, yet who excluded hyenas from sharing the land’s riches because they are from a ‘shadowy place’. Yeah… those are racist code words if I’ve ever heard them.”

“But Scar,” Sanders said, “against all odds, defeats Mufasa in a free and fair election – perhaps with the trampling wildebeests representing the National Popular Vote movement – and ushers in a new utopia of equal sharing between lions and… well, let’s call them ‘animals of color.’ And things work well for about 5 years or so, when – unexpectedly – there is a shortage of game animals and possibly toilet paper. Which was no one’s fault, just bad luck. And it didn’t help that those lazy lionesses wouldn’t pay their fair share of taxes so that everyone could enjoy the plenty to which they were entitled.”

“The point that everyone misses,” continued Sanders, “is that, under Scar, socialism works. Nobody starved. Nobody even complained about being hungry. Out loud. All anyone ever seems to notice in this movie is that – after Simba takes over – Pride Rock becomes a lush wonderland. But how long did that take? Simba has a son, and a lion’s gestational period is only 110 days. If things could turn around in less than 4 months, that means they were already on the upswing before Simba took over, much as Trump’s economy is merely riding the crest of the wave that indisputably started under Obama. Yet this propaganda film wants to blame poor, heroic Scar for the lack of rain that’s causing all the problems. But Scar couldn’t control the weather. That was just bad luck!”

“But life isn’t a movie, and when I’m elected President,” concluded Sanders, “there will be no bad luck, no drought, no lack of toilet paper! Everyone will pay their fair share and the Pride Lands of America will prosper, because I will be 10 times the president Donald Trump was!”

Although Sanders’ analysis was largely ignored by the press, President Trump did acknowledge it with a brief tweet: “If you want to see real socialism in ‘The Lion King’, it’s that pile of wiggling bugs under the log Pumbaa picks up.”

—–

< New Democrat Charity, “Habitat for Hypocrisy”, to Build Mansions for Millionaire Socialists

WASHINGTON, DC (AP) – With the influx of freshman Democrat House members following the mid-term elections – some of whom have expressed concerns about housing or even their next paycheck – some of the more seasoned members of the party have organized a charity to help their colleagues out. Called “Habitat for Hypocrisy”, it’s a way for the new members to get their first luxury mansion while still spouting hackneyed socialist platitudes condemning the rich and maintaining a posture of “standing up for the little people.”

Independent, occasionally Democrat, and always socialist Senator Bernie Sanders of Vermont, who conceived of the charity, explained the origins of the idea.

“I like socialism,” said Sanders. “But I also like money. Now, you can’t actually MAKE money under a socialist system – heck, you can’t even make toilet paper – but opportunities for graft abound if you have political pull, so you can GET money. The problem is, the money has to go somewhere. Me, I put it in real estate – I own three houses, each pricier than the last. So now everyone calls me Bernie “Three Houses” Sanders, and they know I’m a millionaire. If my voter base didn’t self-select for blindness and ignorance, I’d be creek-upped and paddleless.”

“Anyway,” continued Sanders, “I know the 2018 Congressional freshman class is rife with socialists, so I got together with Nancy ‘Six Mansions‘ Pelosi, and we decided there was something we could do to help them climb the power structure and exploit the gullible masses.”

Congresswoman Pelosi talked a little about how “Habitat for Hypocrisy” helps out those most in need: newly-elected Democrats working on their first million.

“They’re so cute and helpless the way they don’t know how to peddle influence,” said Pelosi. “Like a little octopus that’s washed up on the beach, all squishy and smelling like a Red Lobster dumpster. What ‘Habitat for Hypocrisy’ does is help them launder and funnel kickback cash into an under-the-table union construction firm that will use up some of the out-of-nowhere money and turn it into a 7-figure mansion that will be a balance-sheet asset while helping to keep the cash-flow on the same humble scale of the ‘working class families’ who keep believing that all we need is one more tax hike to make the rich finally pay their ‘fair share’. Oh, and THOSE people are so cute, too! Like little kids putting their teeth under the pillow for the tooth fairy, yet somehow never figuring out that all the tooth fairy money is coming out of their own wallets. SO cute!”

Congresswoman Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez recently signed up for “Habitat for Hypocrisy”, and sang the praises of the program.

“I’m not a millionaire yet, like Bernie,” said Ocasio-Cortez, “but when you’re an elected Democrat, you literally have people, like, lined up outside your office door waiting to write you a check. I do these tiny little favors and oh, how the money rolls in. I thought I’d end up having to buy a Cayman Island or something, but thanks to ‘Habitat for Hypocrisy’, pretty soon I’ll have my own Socialist Barbie Dream House!”

“I think I’ll keep my apartment, too, though, because people just love my scary garbage disposal videos. I’ve actually had people compare me to Alfred Hitchcock. Although usually it’s something about running America like the Bates Motel.”

—–

< President Trump Announces His Support for Reparations for Socialism

WASHINGTON, DC (AP) – Even as Democrat Senator Chuck Schumer announced his support for slavery reparations, President Trump took to the White House Rose Garden to announce his support for the idea of socialists paying reparations to the victims of socialism.

“Slavery was a horrid institution,” said Trump, reading from a prepared statement, “but the idea of reparations for it is perfectly nonsensical. The 13th, 14th, and 15th Amendments and America’s difficult post-Civil War Reconstruction period WERE America’s reparations for slavery. There are no living slaves. There are no living slave owners. We rightly ought to bury the claims of the dead with the dead, and move forward to a brighter future.”

“The same, however, cannot be said of socialism. Even though the abominable institution of socialism has filled, and continues to fill, mass graves on several continents, not all socialists – and not all of their victims – are dead. Some are alive. Alive in a sad, sorry, master-slave relationship no less vile and inhuman in principal than that which defined chattel slavery. Some victims were fortunate enough to have escaped socialist regimes. And yet there are still those who seek to perpetuate these failed experiments in human degradation here, on America’s shores.”

“To this, America says stop. No more. Not here. Not in our home.”

“Our constitution guarantees all citizens a Republican form of government. However, the tragic truth is that too many of our citizens, especially those in large cities – from New York to Portland, from New Orleans to Seattle, from Detroit to San Francisco, and dozens of cities in between – instead suffer under the crushing boot of a localized socialist dictatorship, complete with one-party rule and arbitrary persecutions. It is my intention to free these prisoners from their economic and political shackles.”

“Therefore be it resolved that, under my proposal, all open advocates of socialism will see their pay garnished by 50%, such monies to be placed in a trust fund used to compensate all business owners who can quantify or reasonably estimate their losses attributable to the laws, regulations, and enforcement procedures of any and all practicing socialists, whether they use the name itself or hide behind a more socially palatable euphemism.”

“Such practitioners will then be given the choice of one year in jail, participating in a public apology, or being publicly flogged. Actually, the choice will be which one comes first, because they’re getting all three.”

“Thank you. God bless you. And God bless these United States of America.”

—–

< AOC Proposes Radical New Green Energy Program: Shoveling Money Directly Into a Furnace