SAN FRANCISCO (AP) – In an effort to make life easier for its estimated 321 million users, Twitter announced that its software would automatically post the phrase “Ban assault rifles!” from each and every user’s account whenever a hashtag related to a mass shooting starts trending.

Twitter CEO Jack Dorsey said he was “excited” about the rollout of the new feature.

“For at least 2 years now, maybe even longer, America has been faced with the tragedy of mass shootings,” said Dorsey. “While some people waste time considering the feelings of the victims and their families, others do the smart thing and start offering solutions to the problem. Now, the only solution that would have any effect – at least according to all the angry tweets I’ve read on the topic – is a complete ban on assault rifles. The problem is, not everyone is doing all they can to spread that message – like those ‘why don’t we discuss this calmly and study our options’ morons.”

“Then it occurred to me,” Dorsey said, a beatific smile slowly lighting his face, “I own the biggest tool of mass communication on the planet. Why don’t I just make everyone do the right thing whether they want to or not? Solves the problem and it’s really for their own good anyway. Besides, if they don’t like it, what are they going to do? NOT tweet? Right. Anyone with a Twitter login has an internet-attention monkey on his back the size of Mighty Joe Young. They’re not NOT doing anything.”

“Anyway, the default setting on the feature is to post ‘Ban assault rifles! every 4 hours until a countersignal hashtag starts trending,” explained Dorsey. “This sometimes takes a while, but usually within 5 to 7 days, something like #ConcealedCarrySavesLives or whatever will rise while the shooting-related tag falls. Partly it’s a result of a backlash from law-abiding gun owners being sick of their rights being threatened; partly it’s liberals being easily distracted by trendy things, like a beached whale, or a 3-legged dog, or a video of a cat sitting in a cardboard box. Folks DO love their cat videos. At that point, the auto-posts go away and the countersignal hashtag gets shadowbanned. Then we get to pretend nothing ever happened until the next shooting.”

Asked if people will be upset that their accounts have been “hijacked” to promote leftist propaganda, Dorsey dismissed the concern.

“Naturally, I don’t want people thinking we’ve hijacked their accounts. Although technically it’s not hijacking because I own the company, which means I own every tweet on every feed. You’re just the user. Keep giving me your personal data and nobody gets hurt. We will add your biological and technological distinctiveness to our own. You will adapt to service us. Resistance is futile.”

“#Resistance, however, is mandatory.”

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