DETROIT (AP) – After two long days of endless Democrat talking points during the debates broadcast from Detroit, the viewer ratings have been tallied, and the event has been officially ranked as a more wretched hive of scum and villainy than even the previous record held by Tatooine’s legendary Mos Eisley Spaceport.

Kamala Harris, the only actual contender who debated directly with frontrunner Joe Biden, still seemed not to have forgiven him for his votes opposing busing, as every time anyone said the word “bus”, she would dash over to Biden and begin pummeling him about the head and shoulders with her shoe while screaming “segregationist!”. Weirdly, this also happened in response to the phrases “business taxes” and “omnibus spending bill”. It’s unclear whether her “Medicare for All” plan will cover whatever mental disorder she suffers from.

Elizabeth Warren, by all accounts having the most successful night of her campaign, managed to correctly respond “Elizabeth Warren”, “to seek the American Presidency”, and “blue” to her questions; unlike Steve Bullock, who missed the third question and was launched from the stage. His graceful arc led the debate moderators to hold up score cards of 7, 8, and 7, respectively. Bullock was likely penalized for not sticking the landing, as he wound up in a tangled heap with Pete Buttigieg, who had previously been ejected over his lack of Assyrian geographical knowledge. Warren was given high marks for managing, for one night, to break with her standard answer to every question of “a new government program“.

Bernie Sanders threw caution and – during one particularly energetic outburst – his dentures to the wind, pulling out all the stops to make sure that no candidate was able to criticize him for “not being far enough left.” Doubling, tripling, and quadrupling down on his ambitious “Medicare for All” program, Sanders said that – for purposes of his new entitlement – food, clothing, shelter, and income would be considered medical treatments to be provided under the government’s universal care policy. Toilet paper… no promises.

Robert Francis “Beto” O’Rourke, looking to revive his floundering campaign, responded to his first question by jumping on top of his podium and declaring “I would tear them down, burn the rubble, plow the ashes under, and salt the earth. Then ride through and shoot the wounded.” Apparently he was expecting a foreign policy question instead of the one that was actually asked about school choice programs. In a later interview however, he insisted “you heard me!”

The third round of Democrat debates will be held on September 12th and 13th, and will feature live audience call-in voting, with any participant failing to meet the minimum advancement criteria to be immediately dropped into a Sarlacc pit.

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