Archive of entries posted on 23rd August 2019

Sure Leave

Posted by on

[To the tune of “Kokomo”]

♩♩♪

Vacation for Harvey? Ooh, I hope it’s marvy
A week off, to sneak off, maybe take an R.V.?
Key person, dispersing, baby, where did he go?

To the Florida Keys? One thing for sure is I don’t know.
Just took his time to get away from it all.
Bodhisattva land? — A topical thing, I understand —
We’ll be in despair and disrepair, without his steel-gloved hand
Is he in the Poconos?

One thing for certain, it’s not the Iron Curtain
Beirut or Botswana.  Come on, he’s not Obama!
Chernobyl? He’s mobile. Baby why would he go?
Oh, I’m pretty sure it’s not San Francisco:
He’d get there fast and then he’d faster go
That’s why we want to know:
Where did Harvey go?

One bet I’ll make
It’s somewhere where there’s steak

Maybe put out to sea.  It’s a perfect mystery.
And by and by he’ll return with a little bit of sanity.
Straight Lines of the Day, cocktails the Molotov way
That little turn of a phrase gives meaning to his days
Wait, where did Harvey go?

. . .

♩♪

Sarcasm and Prophesy

Posted by on

On this date in 1787, at the Constitutional Convention, the following vote was taken (which passed):

To give the federal government the power “To make laws for organizing arming & disciplining the Militia, and for governing such part of them as may be employed in the service of the U. S.”

John Langdon of New Hampshire attempted to smooth over the rift between states-righters and federalists:

“Mr. Langdon said he could not understand the jealousy expressed by some Gentlemen.
“The General & State Governments were not enemies to each other, but different institutions for the good of the people of America.
“As one of the people he could say, the National Government is mine, the State Government is mine.
“In transferring power from one to the other, I only take out of my left hand what it cannot so well use, and put it into my right hand where it can be better used.”

After the vote, Elbridge Gerry of Massachusetts took the floor:

Mr Gerry [sarcastically, apparently]: Let us at once destroy the State Governments, have an Executive for life or hereditary, and a proper Senate, and then there would be some consistency in giving full powers to the General Government. But as the States are not to be abolished, he wondered at the attempts that were made to give [the federal government] powers inconsistent with their existence. He warned the Convention against pushing the experiment too far. Some people will support a plan of vigorous Government at every risk. Others of a more democratic cast will oppose it with equal determination, and a Civil war may be produced by the conflict.

Kind of jumps out at the reader now, in hindsight.

Future Headlines

Posted by on

Man, Losing Argument, Hurries To Tanning Booth So He Can Claim It Is Because He Is Person of Color

.

Liberals Ban the Word “Ban,” Saying It Connotes Dictatorship
Replaced With “Global Empowerment Through The Absence Of”

.

Mock Turtleneck Sweaters No Longer To Be Sold After Turtleneck-Wearer Reports Feeling Parodied and Offended

New Dem Front-Runner: Empty Chair Debated By Clint Eastwood

Posted by on

Cool. Collected. Poised. Not one hair out of place, and literally never even broke a sweat.

OTTUMWA, IA (AP) – Early in this dicey presidential election season, a Democrat party in disarray holds debate after mind-numbing debate, looking for leadership that everyone can feel confident in. A survey of likely voters among the nation’s liberals indicates that no one wants to commit to any one candidate this early in the process. The only name that comes up consistently as a favorite is the name of the last Democrat to win a general election debate against a Republican – Barack Obama. A man, who, unfortunately for his supporters, is constitutionally ineligible to run again.

However, there is another candidate who once stood toe-to-toe with a formidable – some would say “legendary” – Republican. And this candidate not only held his own, but was actually declared the winner by serious progressive news organizations like the New York Times, MSNBC, and even in an editorial in The Weekly World News by Batboy himself.

All of which explains why it is no surprise that The Chair debated by Clint Eastwood during the 2012 Republican Convention is showing unprecedented momentum in the polls, to the point of opening up 6 to 12 point leads in the majority of recent surveys.

“I’ve always had great respect for The Chair for the way he stood his ground against Eastwood on that stage,” said Joe Biden. “It was really an unfair situation. Eastwood had a teleprompter, plus a podium to grip and hide behind. The Chair had to stand alone on that stage. No teleprompter, no podium, no notes. Basically naked and alone, as he was mocked in front of a hostile audience who kept laughing as Eastwood belittled him over and over.”

“But you know,” said Biden admiringly, “The Chair, he didn’t blush, he didn’t flinch, he didn’t stammer, he didn’t shift his weight from one leg to another. He just stood there. Firm, proud, confident, heroic, shining and lustrous, polished with the fabric of a thousand pants-bottoms.”

Elizabeth Warren, who’s been struggling to stay tied with Biden in the polls (now battling for second behind The Chair) said she’s always “admired” The Chair.

“The thing about The Chair,” said Warren “is you have to admire him more for what he doesn’t say. He’s never apologized for Sanctuary Cities, he’s never compromised a position on gun control, and most importantly, he’s never even come close to saying that socialism is the wrong path for this country. Stalwarts like this are too few and far between on our side of the aisle, and if – heaven forbid – I lose this nomination, I can’t think of anyone more noble than The Chair to give my concession speech to.”

While The Chair’s momentum seems unstoppable at this point, it should be noted that, even while leading the Democrat pack, polling indicates that The Chair would still lose in a general election matchup with Covington Catholic High School’s “The Hat.”

—–

< After Minimum Wage Hike, Labor Day Will Be Replaced by Cheaper, More Efficient, Robot Labor Day

The Better President

Posted by on

Man, I used to blog like every day, but I am no good at it anymore. Anyway, here is the best I could come up with for today:

Who would be a better president: 100 duck-sized Trumps or one 50-foot-tall Trump?

Now really think about this before answering. With the small Trumps, he’s be easier to push around, but he could really divide and conquer. He’s be everywhere.

But with the 50-foot-tall Trump he’d really scare everyone in Washington and they wouldn’t mess with him. Also, he’d be unable to Tweet, so factor that in however you want.

I’m going with 100 tiny Trumps because that sounds hilarious.

Link of the Day: Kurt Schlichter

Posted by on

No doubt about it, the man has a way with words:

Never before have so many snobs had so little to be snobbish about. It’s not like the ruling caste that turns up its collective snout at the people who actually make this country work has a CV full of achievements to back up its arrogance. Our elite is anything but. It’s a collection of pedestrian mediocrities who inherited our civilization from the people who actually created it and fought for it, and like every spoiled child who was handed free stuff by his doting mommy and daddy, our elite is resentful and obnoxious.

We’re ruled by a bunch of Veruca Salts.

. . .

Yet, with a track record unbroken by success and unmarred by anything like competence, our elite still offers us a laundry list of tasks it demands we Normals undertake. And, astonishingly, it does so with a straight face, as if it could back up its arrogance with some sort of history of accomplishments beyond the level of, “Well, our generation of leaders is the very best us we can be!”