IMAO Time Machine: Top Ten Things That Can Help Stretch Your Gasoline Budget.

In honor of Spacemonkey’s birthday (which today is not) we offer this posting from 2005. — The Editors


With gas prices getting higher than a hippie eating ‘special’ brownies I though it salient to come up with some way to help people out. So I came up with the…

Top Ten things that can help stretch your gasoline budget.

10) Learn astral projection. It’s just like being there with out all the actually being there.

9) Take a lesson from NASCAR and draft as much as possible. (No, Sen. Rangel, not that draft)

8) Be uphill from everywhere you want to go. So you can just coast.

7) Three things: Siphon hose, gas can and cover of night. You do the math.

6) Drive the speed limit. Speeding not only burns more gas, it can seriously get your Commie Italian rear end shot at/up.

5) Don’t drive for a week, then use the money you saved to hire a mercenary army to fight a war for oil on your behalf. I suggest Iran, lots of oil and no US Marines, yet.

4) Instead of the fine gasoline you normally use, fill up with dark, rich, sparkling Folger’s crystals and see if your car can tell the difference.

3) Instead of driving, get from place to place using roller blades and a lasso, borrow momentum from passing vehicles.

2) Get the eco-friendly utopia converter kit that the hippies use so your car will run on moonbeams, butterfly kisses, and B. O. (that’s right, now you know)

And the number one thing that can help stretch your gasoline budget….
Continue reading ‘IMAO Time Machine: Top Ten Things That Can Help Stretch Your Gasoline Budget.’ »

Sometimes, Simply Juxtaposing News Items Is Comment Enough

NYC Threatens Up To $250G in Fines for Using Terms Like ‘Illegal Alien,’ Threatening To Call ICE
Fox News | 9/28/2019

New York City’s Commission on Human Rights announced on Thursday that residents could face up to $250,000 in fines if they use terms such as “illegal alien … with intent to demean, humiliate or harass a person.”

[No word yet on whether the Oxford comma felt demeaned, humiliated, or harassed.]

“Hate has no place here,” a tweet from the City of New York read. The city’s announcement ticked off a list of offensive ways to address immigrants — including threatening to call Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE), or harassing someone for their “limited English proficiency.”

{Scrolls down}

Rashida Tlaib Defends ‘Impeach the MF’ Shirts: They Bring ‘Levity’ and Liberation to My Supporters
Breitbart | 28 Sep 2019

Got Him!

Sept. 30, 2019 (IMAO) – This story was broken by Ace Reporters Stretch, caleygraph2015, and DamnCat, who are awaiting their Pulitzer.

A House committee has been convened in emergency session, reportedly drafting impeachment articles against President Donald J. Trump.

At issue is a “deep” and “disturbing” connection between him and seriously illegal activities spanning many years, says a source close to the Democrats*.

Noting that multiple press reports have documented an extensive list of violent crimes committed by teens and youths — and that Trump himself was once a teen and youth — the Democratic leadership has stridently called on Trump to either disavow his connection with this group or else explain it.

Nancy Pelosi and Bernie Sanders pointedly noted that they were never associated with either of these groups, as far as can be proven. Former vice president Joe Biden was unavailable for coherent comment.


*Really, really close.

IMAO Time Machine: Better Than Sanctions

Here’s one from 10 years ago this week by Harvey. — The Editors


Obama wants to implement tough new sanctions against Iran. Well, if this is his idea of “tough”, I suspect he may have lost more than one battle to the perforations on a roll of toilet paper.

Can't stop being Mahmoud's bitch

Can’t stop being Mahmoud’s bitch

Seriously, the best he could do is “we won’t sell them gasoline”? That’s not going to affect anything, since all the cars over there are made out of logs, have stone wheels, no floorboards, and are foot-propelled. It’d be more effective to stop selling them shoes.

And there’s no point in trying to negotiate with them, either. You make a statement like “we’re concerned that you might use your nuclear program to insta-glass Tel Aviv” and they just reply with random stupid nonsense like “the Holocaust never happened”. It’s like having a conversation with an iPod Shuffle.

Besides, how will our negotiators be able to make themselves heard over the crowd of American reporters flocking around Ahmadinejad, pestering him with “Can I have your autograph Mr. Starr? You’re my second-favorite living Beatle!”

History shows that sanctions & negotiations have all the long-term effectiveness of a U2 musical fund-raising concert. If we want to destroy the Iranian regime once and for all, we need a SERIOUS strategy.

I recommend something involving a fur coat, a hooker-looking white girl, and a secret videotape.

Scoff if you want, but consider this: ACORN is now such a pariah that the IRS refuses to associate with them for fear of becoming less popular, and the IRS recently lost a popularity contest to an untreatable, pus-crusted, blistery, genital rash.

If you’ve got a better idea for getting a choke-chain around Iran’s neck, I’m all ears.

Outclassed Onion (Song Parody)

by Walrus & Oppo
[To the tune of The Beatles’ “Glass Onion”]

♩♩♪

I told you about a tawdry reveal
You know these days that nothing is real
Well here’s another farce they extoll
To fool all the Proles

Looking through some anonymous tips
To see if these new lies will live
Reality’s surpassed The Onion.

.

I told you about the walrus and me, man
You know, some things we can’t parody, man.
Making up another clue for you all
The walrus got stalled.

Standing while casting aspersions galore, yeah
The Grey Lady failing to make facts meet, yeah
Reality’s surpassed The Onion.

.

Oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah
Reality’s surpassed The Onion.

.

I told you ’bout those fools on the Hill
Man, they’re pushing impeachment still
Gonna remove him with (ins) urgency
But listen to me!

Ellipsing to create their story
Trying to make a liberal point, yeah
Reality’s surpassed The Onion.

♩♩♪

About Those Ads … Again

Yeah, we talked about this before, but it’s been a few months and I wanted to check in on this.

I asked before about not using an ad blocker here on IMAO. We took some time — Harvey did most of it — going through the ads and ad services to ensure that we weren’t guilty of any intrusive or resource intensive ads. Just like you, we use the Internet and absolutely hate it when we can’t read a Website because of all the ads. And, just like you, we make a point to avoid those ads. Sometimes, that mean running an ad blocker extension or plugin on a browser, and sometimes it means just avoiding the Website altogether. Personally, I’ve gone with the latter route.

Our proposal was for you to turn the ad blocker off and you see if that hurt your enjoyment of the Website. And some of you responded. Most of it was positive, and we thank you.

But I wanted to ask again about the ads. Did you turn off the ad blocker, or add IMAO to the plugin’s white list? How did that go? Are the ads a problem? Do they slow down the loading of the Website? To they intrude on the Website? Did you need to turn the ad blocker back on for IMAO? Let us know how it’s going.

Mind you, we aren’t looking to do anything different. We’re not looking to ad more ads or anything. We also aren’t reducing them; we dropped one ad service already. No, we’re just asking how the experience is.

Let us know in the comments what you think. We appreciate it.

Dumb As a Box of Expensive, Useless, Misplaced Rocks

These are the geniuses who keep voting for Nancy “Walls Don’t Work and Are Immoral” Pelosi.

San Francisco Neighbors Erect Boulders To Keep the Homeless Away
CNN | 9-25-19

A group of San Francisco neighbors came up with their own solution after they said the city wouldn’t help them with the local homeless and drug dealer population, according to CNN affiliate KGO: They put boulders on the sidewalks.

The group has been going to city meetings and filing reports with the city for six months, according to KGO, but they haven’t had any luck.
After a turf war one night, one of the residents told KGO the neighbors had had enough.

“It got to the point where everybody was just done,” the person told KGO. “People had knives and guns and people were out fighting, carrying on and waking up people in the neighborhood.”

Asking not to be identified, that resident told KGO a group of neighbors pitched in to buy 24 boulders that are now placed on their sidewalk to discourage the homeless from pitching tents.

Danielle, who said she wasn’t comfortable sharing her last name, lives a few blocks away and walks the area daily. She told CNN she thinks the neighbors could have focused their efforts on fighting for housing or on calls to city officials.

“I know the reality of homelessness and moving people from one sidewalk to another doesn’t solve it,” she said. “It’s as if the people who are for them have the attitude, ‘We want to be privileged’ not to deal with problem.”

The City of San Francisco doesn’t plan on removing the boulders. In fact, city spokeswoman Rachel Gordon told CNN officials are looking for ways to sanction them so they can remain in place.

CNN reached out to San Francisco’s Coalition for Homelessness but has not heard back.

Extraordinarily Heated Fall and Winter a Certainty…

… due to the bonfire of inanities that will be kindled by liberals and — I mean, of — the press between now and February:

2020

February

February 3 (Monday)
•Iowa caucuses (D, R)

February 11 (Tuesday)
•New Hampshire primaries (D, R)

February 15 (Saturday)
•South Carolina primary (R)

February 22 (Saturday)
•Nevada caucus (D)

February 25 (Tuesday)
•Nevada caucus (R)

February 29 (Saturday)
•South Carolina primary (D)

March

March 3 (Super Tuesday):
•Alabama primaries (D, R)
•Alaska convention (R)
•American Samoa caucus (D)
•Arkansas primaries (D, R)
•California primaries (D, R)
•Colorado primaries (D, R)
•Massachusetts primaries (D, R)
•Minnesota primaries (D, R)
•Maine primaries
•North Carolina primaries (D, R)
•Oklahoma primaries (D, R)
•Tennessee primaries (D, R)
•Texas primaries (D, R)
•Utah primaries (D, R)
•Vermont primaries (D, R)
•Virginia primaries (D, R)
•Democrats Abroad primary (through March 10)