Here’s one from 15 years ago this week by Frank J. — The Editors

The presidential debates are coming up, and I thought I should share some of my wisdom by telling you about the type of debates and the strategies most likely to be employed by Bush and Kerry campaigns.

TYPES OF DEBATES

Jim Lehrer: Debate where Jim Lehrer moderates. The most common debate type throughout history.

Panel: A panel of journalists (plus one celebrity panelist such as Squiggy from Laverne and Shirley) ask the candidates questions. Each candidate is allowed to jump and pummel one and only one panelist, so he needs to make sure to choose wisely.

Town Hall: Normal, everyday morons who are undecided get to ask the candidates questions. Sometimes this disillusions a candidate so much that these are the people he’s trying to win the favor of that he drops out.

Confrontational: Candidates ask each other questions directly. In some formats, checking is allowed (though no punches or you go to the penalty box).

Shots: In this style of debating, a candidate can pass on answering a question if he takes a shot of whiskey instead. It takes a lot of strategy because, while some questions may hurt the candidate, the more he drinks, the more likely he is to go off the talking points and get in trouble. This debate is timed, but it usually ends when the debate is reduced to nothing but vomiting and ethnic slurs.

Steel Cage: The candidates are locked in a steel cage. Usually has less policy discussion and more blows to the head with folding chairs. Unlike the other debates, this one always has a clear winner because ONLY ONE LEAVES THE CAGE!

DEBATE STRATEGIES

So, what are the strategies for the debaters? Since Bush is ahead, he’s best not saying anything. He should respond to questions with a “Feh,” “Bah,” “Whatever,” or a simple shrug of the shoulders. This works well since Bush don’t talk so good and it keeps the heat on Kerry to produce answers.

For Kerry, he needs to make inroads. He has to show he’s strong enough to be commander in chief. Maybe for that, he can casually mention he served in Vietnam by starting each answer with “Having served in Vietnam,” “That reminds me of when I served in Vietnam,” or “Before I answer this question, I would like to gratuitously mention that I served in Vietnam.” Now, his anti-war activities may be brought up, including that he claimed he and others committed war crimes. I have the perfect response for him, though. He should say, “Yes, I did commit war crimes in Vietnam, using biological weapons on Vietnamese villages. And, to atone for that awful deed, I inject botulism into my face each and every day.”

Also, Kerry has to show that he’s not a flip-waffler. To do that, he should mention his position on Iraq in the introductory remarks and make sure that matches up with what he says in his concluding remarks. If he can keep the same position on Iraq for a whole debate, voters will be impressed.

For the Vice Presidential debate, John Edwards’s strategy should be to stand there and look pretty… since that’s about all he knows how to do. Oh, and he can threaten to sue. Plus, he needs to make sure Cheney doesn’t get him in a headlock and beat the crap out of him.

For Cheney, he needs to impress upon the five or six people watching the VP debate that he isn’t as mean as the Democrats portray him. That means he probably shouldn’t put John Edwards in a headlock and beat the crap out of him… but I say do it anyway.

And that’s all I have to say about that. These debates promise to be exciting!

…Okay, that’s a dirty lie. It should at least fill some of the time on the 24 hours news channels, though.

Here’s one from 2005 by Laurence Simon. — The Editors

I guess Mega M&Ms are here to stay.

A new line of Mega M&M’s, which on average are 55 percent bigger than the originals, were introduced Thursday at Grand Central Station in Manhattan.

“It’s the candy that everyone loves, but with a bigger chocolate taste,” said Masterfoods USA spokeswoman Joan Buyce. Masterfoods USA owns the M&Ms brand and is a part of privately-held food manufacturer Mars, Inc.

While Mini M&M’s are popular among moms and kids, the new, bigger M&M’s are designed with adults in mind. “It broadens our portfolio so there’s something for everyone,” Buyce said.

I disagree. You’re still leaving people out. And according to people like Ken Livingstone and George Galloway, if you don’t include people, they end up being excluded and driven to terrorism.

We can’t have that, can we?

So, in the spirit of inclusion and multiculural sensitivity/diversity, what’s next in the world of M&Ms?

• Mesquite-Grilled M&Ms – Once upon a time, mesquite just grew everywhere, minding its own business. Then someone boneheaded Texan tossed his cigarette on one, it caught fire, and the rest is history. Well, except for the M&M part.
• M&Ms for the visually impaired – Who’s the wise guy who filled my candy dish with U&U’s?
• M&Ms for Girls – You can dress them up in ten different interchangeable outfits! Do their hair! Paint their nails! You can give yourself a candy-coating lip gloss!
• Mu&Mus – It’s all Greek to me. You like-a the juice?
• EmineM&Ms – M&M provides five million dollars worth of M&Ms to Eminem to use in his newest video only to find out he writes lyrics saying that the candies suck.
• Kosher M&Ms – A little something to nosh on, perhaps?
• MM& – Specially forumulated for Dyslexics.
• M&M. Night Shyamalans – They’re hugely popular, have widespread critical acclaim, and right before you finish them you get a surprise twist aftertaste that lets everyone down.

If you don’t see these varieties of M&Ms, rough up your neighborhood grocer today until he puts them on the shelves.

(Don’t believe his lies! He’s hiding them in the back!)