HOLLYWOOD (AP) – In a move that is somehow completely unexpected while being boringly predictable, Universal Pictures announced that after pulling “The Hunt” due to negative press, they were still on track to release a “live action” version of “The Wizard of Oz”. The film is described as “a shot for shot remake of the original, except for the parts where we do it better”.

Producer Max Bialystock said “the time is right” for a “fresh” version of a piece of cinematic history.

“The first question I always get,” said Bialystock, “is ‘whaddya mean ‘Live Action?’ Wasn’t the 1939 version live action?’ Well, today the phrase now just means ‘more photorealistic CGI’. And it’s about time, too. Especially the stupid dog. SO fake looking. Was that a muppet? Perfectly awful. We’re gonna fix that. Also, with the new ‘Lion King’, Disney perfected that dead-eyed, soulless look for talking animals, which means it’ll be perfect for doing the flying monkeys.”

“Now,” Bialystock said, “mostly we’ll keep things the same – who are we to re-invent the cyclone? That was some brilliant acting, by the way. I think they got some dust-devil from Arizona doing that part. Went on to star in “Twister”. Anyway, we had to change a few things here and there to make it more relevant for today’s audiences, since everyone who saw the original in theaters is dead now except for Betty White. First, we had to tweak Dorothy. Adolescent white girl? How cliche. We’re going with Grace Jones, since she’s pretty much the opposite of all of that and it’ll make the hand-to-hand death-fight with the Wizard at the end a little more interesting. Don’t tell anyone about that. No spoilers!”

“Naturally we’ll have to fix Scarecrow, too,” Bialystock continued. “Can you imagine the optics of having him scare away black birds in this day and age, when people are calling white robots racist? We’re making him a Scarepigeon. Nobody likes pigeons, so no one will be offended. Pigeons! Yech! Filthy little rats with wings. No offense to Baltimore.

“Biggest change, though,” concluded Bialystock, “will be having the Wicked Witch of the West wearing a red baseball cap that says ‘Make Oz Great Again’. I know it’s probably too subtle for modern audiences to catch the reference, but between that and the “Yellow Brick Wall”, I’m hoping someone will get it.”

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