OTTUMWA, IA (AP) – During a recent campaign rally in America’s heartland, Democratic presidential hopeful Pete Buttigieg proposed a plan to “organize” the “chaos” of gun ownership in a way that will “please everybody”, promising voters that “if you like your guns, you can keep your guns.”

“Mayor Pete” began by addressing the obvious objection before moving on to the benefits of the reorganization.

“I know,” said Buttigieg, “that the last time you were were promised that if you liked something you could keep it, there were a few… temporary snags… but I guarantee that this will be nothing like that. Nothing at all… Except for the massive new bureaucracy, the complicated and conflicting rules, the pushback from crazy right-wingers who ruin everything, and the naked power grab that the whole thing really is. Other than that, NOTHING like that Obamacare debacle.”

“Look,” Buttigieg said, “the way guns are distributed in this country is just too complicated and confusing for the average person to manage by themselves. That why I’m proposing a new ‘gun organization program’ – which I’ve dubbed ‘Gunnigieg’ – to help sort out this mess. It’s true that Washington can’t do everything right, but I can see no reason why a good government program like Gunnigieg can’t make gun ownership simple and tidy for all Americans.”

“Under my new ‘gun organization program’ – and don’t you just love the way we’re taking back ‘G.O.P.’? – every American will be guaranteed the right to bear arms,” continued Buttigieg. “But in order to provide… well, order… everyone will be assigned a specific ‘exchange’ where they can go to buy guns, which will be restricted to using approved ‘preferred pistol providers.’ Folks will also be required to obtain ammunition through “preferred projectile providers”. Together, these approved providers will ensure that only the safest guns and safest bullets will end up in the hands of the safest people. You will never again have to worry about a random bad guy with a gun hurting you, because all gun ownership will be thoroughly Gunnigieged for your safety.”

“Now, granted, we’re still working out the details, and we’ll probably have to pass the bill to really find out what’s in it without fake news purveyors fogging it up with false facts. Or any other kind of facts. But the important thing is that Gunnigieg will bring order out of the chaos of gun possession, distribution, and ownership. There will be order. Order you can follow. Yes, follow my orders. You will follow my orders. We have ways of making you follow orders! Those who resist will discover that quickly enough!”

After his microphone was cut off by panicked staffers, Mayor Pete was taken to a local hospital and treated for what physicians labelled a combination of “heat exhaustion” and “Monologuing Supervillain Syndrome”.

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