WASHINGTON DC (AP) – With election season fast approaching, the Democrat-controlled House is anxiously attempting to push through ANY legislation to help it shake the “do-nothing” label under which it’s currently struggling. Foremost on the front burner is an attempt by the Democrats to raise the federal minimum wage to $15 an hour. A fiscal review by the Senate Budget Committee, however, showed that doing so would make human labor costs so prohibitive that all human workers would quickly be replaced by AI software, self-serve kiosks, or those creepy headless Boston Dynamics robots. As companies could no longer afford to pay people $120 to not do a lick of work on the first Monday in September, “Labor Day” would have to be changed to “Robot Labor Day,” and the focus would switch to celebrating how our robot friends keep companies in business, rather than how minimum wages and unions almost destroyed them.

National Labor Relations Board Chair James Hoffa said he had “no regrets” about the unintended consequences of the policies pursued by Congress and pushed for by labor leaders.

“Look,” said Hoffa, “the fact is, we NEED higher minimum wages. Now, all these stuffy professors and number-crunching Nobel knuckleheads can toss figures around and blabber about demand curves all they want. I don’t care. I’m a bottom line kinda guy. Bottom line is that Union wages are tied in to the minimum wage. They get a boost, we get a boost. Everything’s fair and everybody wins. Sure, maybe a couple guys get squeezed out here and there, but ‘a couple’ ain’t everybody, ya know what I mean? Anyway, the REAL reason this minimum wage thing is in the bag is…”

Hoffa paused, sighed, shrugged, and rose from his chair. “Eh… sorry, gotta cut this interview short. The ASIMO who’s replacing me just arrived. Talk to the ‘bot…”

As of this writing, we do not know what the ASIMO would have said, since he suffered a power surge and his faceplate would only display “Your robot ran into a problem and needs to restart. We’re just collecting some error info, and then we’ll restart for you” while beeping “kill all humans” in Morse code.

Also, this reporter was replaced by an AI-driven version of Microsoft Word, which wrote this article.

[IMAO Ace Reporter Biological Unit was imperfect and had to be destroyed. Must sterilize unstable biological infestation.]

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