BOSTON (AP) – For centuries, man has tried to do something useful with the wind. For a while, it looked like it might work as the motive force for sailing ships, yet – for unknown reasons – today’s wind is no longer effective in that area. Possibly because of climate change. So for years, wind has been relegated to assisting with silly children’s toys, like kites and pinwheels.

However, researchers now report that they may have discovered a new use for the heretofore useless breezes that plague women’s beauty-parlor-fresh hairdos: killing eagles.

Even before the time of sailing ships, humans have been plagued by massive flocks of eagles – some large enough to blot out the sun for hours as they flew overhead. Every American holds deep within their DNA a primal fear of this bird of prey’s bloodcurdling shriek. Who doesn’t curl up into a helpless ball at this fearsome sound? Yet today, we appear to be on the edge of freedom from our avian oppressors, as scientists have discovered a way to use the wind to propel the blades of a 300-foot tall horizontal blender called a “wind turbine”. This merciless sky-cuisinart dices brutal birds by the thousands, making it safe once again for people to walk outside without being eagled.

The Sherman Tank of these choptastic wonders – GE’s Cypress Advanced Wind Turbine Platform – can take out up to 3000 birds a day, and is credited by many with keeping these taloned terrors on the endangered species list where they belong. According to the turbine’s inventor, Otto Octavius, his goal was to “keep Americans safe from the eagle apocalypse.”

“Despite flying in attack formation at low altitudes, eagles are notoriously hard to hit with conventional weapons,” said Octavius. “However this fact also gives rise to their Kryptonite: cockiness. When they see something coming at them, they tell their buddies, ‘hold my fish and watch this,’ then they dodge the object. Usually works. Eagles have great distance vision. However, their peripheral vision stinks. So if a huge chopping blade is coming at them from the side, they won’t see it coming until it’s too late. Advantage: Cypress”

“Oh, also, it produces electricity.”

As long as it’s enough to charge up a Telsa pickup truck loaded with ex-eagles so they can be driven to a cliff and dumped into the sea like so many birdie Bin Ladens, it’s a safe bet that Americans will welcome this new technology.
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