Dude, the earth is going to kill us! It’s like a terrorist times a million!
So how can you defend yourself against the earth? I have a few tips:
* Install hardwood floors. This puts a stronger barrier between you and the earth when in the home.
* Don’t wear earth tones. Those are the earth’s gang colors and could cause it to attack you.
* If the earth starts shaking, fire a shotgun into it. This lets it know you means business.
* If you see Al Gore, strangle him before he can spy on you. He’s a traitor who has sided with the earth.
* The earth and the moon seem to be close friends. If all else fails, we can get the earth to play along by threatening to nuke the moon.
* Every day use a Foucault pendulum to check the rotation of the earth. If it’s changed, the earth is up to something.
* If needed, get help from Mercury. Mercury is our friend and he loves all of us except for the Irish.
* Try reporting the earth to the sun. The sun may take action, but it has a lot of bureaucracy to go through so I wouldn’t expect that to happen soon.
Study those tips well. You know what Smokey the Bear says: “Only you can prevent the earth from… doing stuff… we don’t like.”