How to Fight the Earth’s Terrorism

Dude, the earth is going to kill us! It’s like a terrorist times a million!

So how can you defend yourself against the earth? I have a few tips:

* Install hardwood floors. This puts a stronger barrier between you and the earth when in the home.

* Don’t wear earth tones. Those are the earth’s gang colors and could cause it to attack you.

* If the earth starts shaking, fire a shotgun into it. This lets it know you means business.

* If you see Al Gore, strangle him before he can spy on you. He’s a traitor who has sided with the earth.

* The earth and the moon seem to be close friends. If all else fails, we can get the earth to play along by threatening to nuke the moon.

* Every day use a Foucault pendulum to check the rotation of the earth. If it’s changed, the earth is up to something.

* If needed, get help from Mercury. Mercury is our friend and he loves all of us except for the Irish.

* Try reporting the earth to the sun. The sun may take action, but it has a lot of bureaucracy to go through so I wouldn’t expect that to happen soon.

Study those tips well. You know what Smokey the Bear says: “Only you can prevent the earth from… doing stuff… we don’t like.”

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23 Comments

  1. I think we should negotiate with the earth without pre-conditions. I mean the majority of the earth is reasonable right? Its just those pesky, volcanoes, tornados, earthquakes, ice ages, droughts, tidal waves, hurricane’s and stuff that act out all the time. Not representative of the “real” earth at all….

    It works with other terrorists……right?

    And as a back up plan we could always waterboard the hurricane…….

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  2. * Use herbicides and pesticides – use them generously. The earth uses ragweed and mosquitoes to attack us.

    * Burn stuff, and use chemical fire accelerants even when they are not needed. Wildfires can’t start in places that already have been torched.

    Yep, I grew up in farm country.

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  3. Hey ed, are you sure that’s a Randbot?
    They’re not swarming like normal Paulbots and that comment couldn’t have been funnier if it was on purpose.

    You know, because the law enforcement model of fighting terrorist was working so well before Bush, for no reason at all, changed it to a war.
    And the funniest part?
    That comment was written less than a week after the Lockerbie “murderer”(terrorist) proved how great the law enforcement model works and during the week we’re finding out how much money was involved in his “compassionate” release.

    So “who” was it? Harvey? Basil?
    Seems like a “Harvey” comment.
    Which makes it funnier, FrnakJ’s personalities are starting to mess with him.

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  4. If you must live in a house that is in contact with the Earth, check for Radon, the Earth’s Deadly Ninja Gas, take the appropriate steps to seal your house from surrepticious Radon Gas infiltration.

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  5. Traditional Ground Contact Houses should be retro-fitted with degaussing coils to disguise the house from the Earth’s Magnetic Field. The Earth’s Magnetic Field, in conjunction with Gravity acts as a GPS location device for the Earth.

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  6. Take a page out of Disney-Pixar’s Playbook and tie thousands of helium baloons to your Traditional Ground Contact House. You’ll lose your basement storage, but you won’t be subject to earthquakes.

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  7. “* If you see Al Gore, strangle him before he can spy on you. He’s a traitor who has sided with the earth.”

    Actually, Al Gore is a double-agent, who pretends to have sided with the earth while actually siding with George Soros to try to take over the earth.

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  8. I followed the link to a youtube version of ad.
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7YPNhpxX5qs

    It looks like something Duddly Moore might have come up with in that movie, “Crazy People”.
    I’m not so much worried that it will give some terrorists an idea they haven’t already had a million times – but it could inspire some sick individual to create a new video game named “Body Count” or something!

    “In 2001, one of the worst tragedies in the history of humanity killed 2,819 people.
    In 2005, the tsunami killed 280,000 people.
    That’s 100 times more deaths.
    Our planet is brutally powerful.
    Respect it.
    Conserve it.
    WWF – for a living planet.”
    (No where in the ad is it demonstrated that saving aluminum cans or recycling used motor oil will prevent future tsunamis – but I guess it couldn’t hurt.)

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