How to Fight the Earth’s Terrorism

Posted on September 2, 2009 12:24 pm

Dude, the earth is going to kill us! It’s like a terrorist times a million!

So how can you defend yourself against the earth? I have a few tips:

* Install hardwood floors. This puts a stronger barrier between you and the earth when in the home.

* Don’t wear earth tones. Those are the earth’s gang colors and could cause it to attack you.

* If the earth starts shaking, fire a shotgun into it. This lets it know you means business.

* If you see Al Gore, strangle him before he can spy on you. He’s a traitor who has sided with the earth.

* The earth and the moon seem to be close friends. If all else fails, we can get the earth to play along by threatening to nuke the moon.

* Every day use a Foucault pendulum to check the rotation of the earth. If it’s changed, the earth is up to something.

* If needed, get help from Mercury. Mercury is our friend and he loves all of us except for the Irish.

* Try reporting the earth to the sun. The sun may take action, but it has a lot of bureaucracy to go through so I wouldn’t expect that to happen soon.

Study those tips well. You know what Smokey the Bear says: “Only you can prevent the earth from… doing stuff… we don’t like.”

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23 Responses to “How to Fight the Earth’s Terrorism”

  1. Brutus says:

    *Stop breathing, its like camoflage to the earth when there’s no carbon footprint.


  2. thomas says:

    You guys are a bunch of earthists!! All the earth wanted to do was to get an equal opportunity with the other planets and you keep bringing it down with your work code.

  3. Caleb Howe says:

    “If the earth starts shaking, fire a shotgun into it. This lets it know you means business.”

    That is actually my long-standing motto. I have it tattooed on my forehead.

  4. Molly says:

    The War of terror should have been left as a law enforcement issue.

    New Rand Paul money bomb day set for the same day as Mitch and Cornyn raise money in D.C. for former Clinton delegate Trey Grayson

    [Great. Now we have dumb Rand Paul bots. -Ed.]

  5. ussjimmycarter says:

    Don’t wear Earth Shoes! The Earth has tricked morons and homosexuals into this evil trap!

  6. MarkoMancuso says:

    * Shoot any environmentalist wacko you encounter.

  7. cjtony97 says:

    Install hardwood floors. This puts a stronger barrier between you and the earth when in the home.

    This is akin to hiring an Al Qaeda member as your butler.

  8. TerribleTroy says:

    I think we should negotiate with the earth without pre-conditions. I mean the majority of the earth is reasonable right? Its just those pesky, volcanoes, tornados, earthquakes, ice ages, droughts, tidal waves, hurricane’s and stuff that act out all the time. Not representative of the “real” earth at all….

    It works with other terrorists……right?

    And as a back up plan we could always waterboard the hurricane…….

  9. NunyaB says:

    Bury all Liberals (shovel ready). Compost and recycling is eco-friendly, and it makes them Gaia’s problem instead of ours.

    Conservatives are teh awesome…just sayin™

  10. Plentyobailouts says:

    Report “fishy” capitalist whackos to the earthment at

  11. Trouble says:

    * Use herbicides and pesticides – use them generously. The earth uses ragweed and mosquitoes to attack us.

    * Burn stuff, and use chemical fire accelerants even when they are not needed. Wildfires can’t start in places that already have been torched.

    Yep, I grew up in farm country.

  12. Veeshir says:

    Hey ed, are you sure that’s a Randbot?
    They’re not swarming like normal Paulbots and that comment couldn’t have been funnier if it was on purpose.

    You know, because the law enforcement model of fighting terrorist was working so well before Bush, for no reason at all, changed it to a war.
    And the funniest part?
    That comment was written less than a week after the Lockerbie “murderer”(terrorist) proved how great the law enforcement model works and during the week we’re finding out how much money was involved in his “compassionate” release.

    So “who” was it? Harvey? Basil?
    Seems like a “Harvey” comment.
    Which makes it funnier, FrnakJ’s personalities are starting to mess with him.

  13. cjtony97 says:


  14. Karen says:

    Watch your pets carefully, they might seem domestic now, but they may have sided with Nature like “Call of the Wild.”

    Pee outside, Earth hates that.

  15. Live Free Or Die says:

    If you must live in a house that is in contact with the Earth, check for Radon, the Earth’s Deadly Ninja Gas, take the appropriate steps to seal your house from surrepticious Radon Gas infiltration.

  16. Live Free Or Die says:

    Build Swiss Family Robinson Tree Houses, thereby eliminating the Radon Gas Threat, and the Earth won’t notice you unless you come down.

  17. Live Free Or Die says:

    Traditional Ground Contact Houses should be retro-fitted with degaussing coils to disguise the house from the Earth’s Magnetic Field. The Earth’s Magnetic Field, in conjunction with Gravity acts as a GPS location device for the Earth.

  18. Live Free Or Die says:

    Only use footwear that has non-conductive soles, and wear a Personal Degaussing Device when in contact with the Earth, otherwise the Earth will send a Lightning Strike your way.

  19. Live Free Or Die says:

    Take a page out of Disney-Pixar’s Playbook and tie thousands of helium baloons to your Traditional Ground Contact House. You’ll lose your basement storage, but you won’t be subject to earthquakes.

  20. Live Free Or Die says:

    Build a Dirigible Home, the ultimate mobile home. Learningthe rules of Air Traffic is required.

  21. Son of Bob says:

    “* If you see Al Gore, strangle him before he can spy on you. He’s a traitor who has sided with the earth.”

    Actually, Al Gore is a double-agent, who pretends to have sided with the earth while actually siding with George Soros to try to take over the earth.

  22. 4 of 7 says:

    I followed the link to a youtube version of ad.

    It looks like something Duddly Moore might have come up with in that movie, “Crazy People”.
    I’m not so much worried that it will give some terrorists an idea they haven’t already had a million times – but it could inspire some sick individual to create a new video game named “Body Count” or something!

    “In 2001, one of the worst tragedies in the history of humanity killed 2,819 people.
    In 2005, the tsunami killed 280,000 people.
    That’s 100 times more deaths.
    Our planet is brutally powerful.
    Respect it.
    Conserve it.
    WWF – for a living planet.”
    (No where in the ad is it demonstrated that saving aluminum cans or recycling used motor oil will prevent future tsunamis – but I guess it couldn’t hurt.)

  23. rumcrook® says:

    is this gonna be a t-shirt? because im gonna need this as a t-shirt… ….2xl in black

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