With the Glenn Beck controversy over whether he boiled a frog alive (Oh no! Not a frog!), I think it should be mentioned in defense of frogs that they will eventually jump out of water if you gradually raise the heat on them and not just sit there until they’re boiled alive. Think about it: If you enter a room that’s really hot, you’ll immediately turn on the A/C or a fan. If you’re in a room that isn’t hot but the temperature is gradually raised, eventually you say, “This is too hot” and turn on the A/C or a fan. Frogs aren’t any different; they jump out of boiling water and if started in lukewarm water will also jump out eventually when the temperature is raised. Still, we tell a lie about them because we think it makes a great political analogy. The same happens to lemmings and ostriches who don’t mindlessly run off cliffs and don’t hide their head in the sand when there is danger; if they actually did either, they’d be extinct. Still, these falsehoods prevail because of their potential as political analogies for people we don’t like.

“So what? They’re just stupid animals; we can tell whatever lies we want about them. We have thumbs.”

You say that now, but what if they get sick of it, knock you down in an alleyway, and eat your eyeballs. That’s what animals do. That’s why you must always respect mother nature… unless you’re good with a gun. Then you can do what you want.

The U.N. is pushing for nuclear disarmament again, and just for the record, I am completely for that. If we can get the whole world to dispose of nuclear weapons, that will make the few we secretly keep that much more powerful. Think of America being the only country with nuclear weapons again; we could do whatever we want and boss all the other countries around. And who would stop us? We could nuke anybody we want without worries.

So support disarmament; strategically it will be very useful if we play along.

Michael Moore has a new movie coming out in which he’ll capitalistically make money off of gullible liberals’ hatred of capitalism. It would be cheap in response to just make fun of Michael Moore’s size, but it’s Friday and I don’t feel like thinking. So let’s pretend we’re writing an article about Michael Moore and we want to come up with a bunch of descriptive names for him so we don’t just keep calling him “Michael Moore”. Here I go:

DESCRIPTIVE NAMES FOR MICHAEL MOORE

* “the fat filmmaker”

* “the dumpy director”

* “the corpulent con-artist”

* “the rotund raconteur”

* “the flabby fabricator”

* “the blubbery blunderbuss”

* “the lard-filled liar”

* “the pudgy prevaricator”

* “the tubby tale-teller”

* “the hippo-like hypocrite”

* “fatty fatty fat fat”