Obama Apologizes for Declaration of Independence
WASHINGTON (AP) – Just in time for the document’s 233rd anniversary, President Barack Obama has issued an executive order apologizing to Great Britain for America’s Declaration of Independence in 1776.
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“It’s time to move away from the failed policies of the past,” said Obama during a Rose Garden press conference, “and the first step is apologizing for the original sin of this nation against the sensibilities of the international community.”
“The Declaration of Independence from the wise and benevolent guiding hand of Great Britain was, in the eyes of some, an important step,” said Obama. “But the manner in which it was handled was an affront to acceptable diplomatic norms. This crude and disparaging document heaped numerous, undeserved insults on the divine ruler of our compassionate and nurturing motherland. It used such crass and dispicable terms as ‘tyrant’ and ‘despot’ to describe the gracious tolerance of King George the Third to the aspersions and indignities heaped upon him by a cabal of ungrateful rebels.”
“Therefore,” declared Obama, “we, the people of the United States of America, do formally apologize and ask for the forgiveness of the descendants and heirs of Great Britain’s people and monarchy.”
Reaction to the apology was mixed.
Vice President Joe Biden said the apology was “a good start,” but noted that if we really wanted to make amends for 233 years of disloyalty, America would have to “show our sincerity with deeds, not words”.
“If we really want to make up with Great Britain,” said Biden, “we need to become more like them. We should adopt their health care system. And their ban on guns. And their ban on knives. Man, I hate knives… I cut myself on one last time I was in my secret undisclosed location under the old U.S. Naval Observatory… hey, this is off the record, right?”
Queen Elizabeth the Second said that she would “consider” accepting the apology if Obama would “take back this stupid iPod and send me a Kindle 2.”
(51 votes, average: 4.75 out of 5)
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July 3rd, 2009 at 7:51 am
Will somebody stuff a sock in this idiots mouth. What else are we going to apologize for? Oh wait, how about we apologize for trying to help other countries attain a democratic way of life. This moron is going to drive this country back to the days of the depression and a socialist agenda.
July 3rd, 2009 at 8:05 am
“Rolling back the clock to Monarchy,
‘Cause that’s how we roll.”
-King Obama I
July 3rd, 2009 at 8:44 am
How could we have acted so shamefully?!
Kiss the ring!
Bow down low! Lower!
Apologize profusely! Over and over!
Pay reparations, too!
It’s such a national disgrace, the O has outlawed the Fourth. No shooting, no fireworks, no celebrating, no weinies on the grill… Hey! Wait! What’s that I hear? Could it be… a REVOLUTION???
July 3rd, 2009 at 8:55 am
Reparations! I say! Being as I am just one of the descendants of Great Britain, (my Grand Four Father was “Lord Russell of Red”) killed during one of the many battles that stole the colonies from the King. Descendants of these soldiers have been waiting now for centuries for Reparations’
July 3rd, 2009 at 9:08 am
Harvey is like Wile E. Coyote. Super Genius. Only without the exploding roller skates.
July 3rd, 2009 at 9:11 am
Hey, living under British tyranny might not have been that much worse than what we’re looking at right now. The Queen seems nice.
Complacency kills.
July 3rd, 2009 at 9:37 am
shame that the Queen didn’t stuff the i-pod up Obozos rear and demand a real gift.
July 3rd, 2009 at 10:10 am
Well done, Harvey.
July 3rd, 2009 at 11:02 am
The only thing we as Americans can apologize for is electing an indolent second stringer for president. Obama is nothing more than a control freak.
July 3rd, 2009 at 12:38 pm
This was a bad idea, Harvey. We shouldn’t be putting thoughts in Teh One’s bucket head.
July 3rd, 2009 at 2:28 pm
No joke: We had some bacon that was starting to get old and my wife was cooking it up for the dogs this morning. She looked over my shoulder and saw the headline of this post and freaked out. She doesn’t read IMAO often enough to know when Harvey is kidding. But since it is within the realm of possibility that Obummer might actually do something like this, she got really PO’d until I talked her down and explained that it was satire.
July 3rd, 2009 at 3:53 pm
Once again Harvey, well done. You put the Onion to shame.
July 3rd, 2009 at 6:00 pm
O-bah-muhh pledges to forfeit American lives, fortunes, and sacred honor in pursuit of International Socialism.
July 3rd, 2009 at 9:41 pm
Excuse me, WHAT????? Unbelievable how he put words into the mouths of all the loyal citizens of the United States of America. I don’t feel apologetic for our forefathers removing ourselves from the tyranny of Britain!! Unbelievable.
July 3rd, 2009 at 9:42 pm
LOL, got me! hahahha Thank GOD it’s satire.
July 4th, 2009 at 12:27 am
“Absolute governments (though the disgrace of human nature) have this advantage with them, that they are simple; if the people suffer, they know the head from which their suffering springs, know likewise the remedy, and are not bewildered by a variety of causes and cures.”
– Thomas Paine, Common Sense
July 4th, 2009 at 12:32 am
These get me every time.
sad cause its (basically) true
July 4th, 2009 at 7:08 pm
Filed somewhere between fact and fiction and a little too close to the truth to be comfortable!
July 4th, 2009 at 7:41 pm
I just love the smell of satire in the morning.
July 4th, 2009 at 7:47 pm
Um, the article is a joke. Obama, as stupid as he is, didn’t actually apologize for the Declaration. Let’s appreciate a fine piece of satire when we see it.
July 4th, 2009 at 7:52 pm
I am not a supporter of Obama. I think that it was atrocious for him to disgrace our country. I cannot believe any true American would apologize for liberty. If he loves it so much let him go live in England. We do not want him here!!!!
July 4th, 2009 at 8:12 pm
In the course of my travels, I have been mistreated by American Airlines, the American Automobile Association, and North American Van Lines. Also, I once got a rash from eating a bad piece of American cheese.
I therefore think that the American president owes my an apology. Plus he should reimburse me for the cost of the rash cream. And hurry up with it.
July 4th, 2009 at 9:50 pm
Ok, you got me! *putting the can of whipa** n guns back down.. For now* If there is ever a time for an alien abduction it’s now!
July 4th, 2009 at 10:26 pm
Mikey? Hystercial. OMG.. that’s the funniest thing I’ve ever read….. I think you’re right, however.
I think he’s apologizing too much. Does this make anyone wonder where we’ll be in 4 yrears?
July 5th, 2009 at 12:04 am
Amazing so many idiots think this is for real. Go back to watching Faux News I guess, you’re the target audience.
July 5th, 2009 at 10:21 am
Is Oblahblah out to destroy American or what? He does not like the constitution either….how much of our freedoms will be gone before he is impeached for his unpatriotic actions?
I appreciate that there is the freedom to have teaparties to protest our freedoms being lost BUT will there be any change? Are THEY hearing us, are THEY even listenging?
July 5th, 2009 at 12:50 pm
What a pair of asses. We owe NO ONE an apology for wanting our freedom.I am tired of our nation always being the bad guy Every nation we have given aid to hates us and now these two morons want to apologize for every thing. I am Proud to be a citizen of the USA and am tired of people bad mouthing my country.If you can find one better to live in ,GO,please and Take any politician who doesn’t love it with you!!!
July 5th, 2009 at 1:36 pm
Well I did say to my american friends if you cant sort out your problems – why bother with a President – our Queen if asked nicely would certainly start re-ruling your couuntry, – yes you can have a free health system, and welfare, social security etc., but you would have to increase your taxes, – we pay equivalent to $8 a gallon for gas. no guns except the criminals. – sounds good eh.
July 5th, 2009 at 4:41 pm
[...] REST HERE __________________ "The issue today is the same as it has been throughout all history, whether man shall be allowed to govern himself or be ruled by a small elite." Thomas Jefferson "I cannot undertake to lay my finger on that article of the Constitution which granted a right to Congress of expending, on objects of benevolence, the money of their constituents." James Madison [...]
July 6th, 2009 at 1:33 pm
Where is the Fakery part of this Newsish Fakery? Harvey, are you in danger of becoming a real journalist? Please say it ain’t so. We really like you the way you are.
July 7th, 2009 at 12:50 pm
As seen on Snopes.com (hat tip to Frank J. for telling me):
http://www.snopes.com/politics/satire/declaration.asp
July 7th, 2009 at 2:47 pm
Obama must be on crack because he does not speak for me or any or my friends…… I AM AN American!
July 7th, 2009 at 2:48 pm
Let’s not forget England pays 50% plus in taxes of their salaries… hurry lets get back into Englands way of life… NOT!
July 7th, 2009 at 3:39 pm
Way to sound like a bunch of cousin humping mayonnaise loving white trash! Keep up the hate, maybe it’ll kill you before one of your fellow heavily armed idiot friends do.
July 7th, 2009 at 11:21 pm
[...] when Snopes has to put out an advisory on your site’s satire piece, You Have Officially Arrived On The Internet. Although, personally? I’m always going to [...]
July 7th, 2009 at 11:21 pm
[...] when Snopes has to put out an advisory on your site’s satire piece, You Have Officially Arrived On The Internet. Although, personally? I’m always going to think [...]
July 7th, 2009 at 11:55 pm
I can’t believe how many fell for this and actually believed it. I guess if you really hate someone you’ll believe anything.
July 8th, 2009 at 12:10 am
Very strange
Although I admit that the Obama quotes were believably Obama’s style and language, I thought the Biden & Queen Elizabeth quotes were pretty obvious giveaways.
Either people didn’t read past the headline, they quit halfway through, or they thought the only “fakery” part was the bottom half.
July 8th, 2009 at 12:18 am
Harvey, I’ll grant you the QE2 quotes were out of character. But the Biden stuff? Sounds just like him.
July 8th, 2009 at 3:04 am
Please nobody go out and shoot anyone after getting all worked up over this…which has happened on multiple occasions since sites like this proliferate false stories that create paranoia that make people feel like they have to shoot a police officer because they might be coming to their house to confiscate their guns (true story). Talk about embarrassing to America and Americans.
July 8th, 2009 at 6:50 am
C’mon, Gdog, I was going to go out and shoot someone over this because I’m frikkin’ nuts and it’s Harvey’s fault. I was just trying to figure out who to shoot. Um, just wondering, where is it you live? Oregon?
July 8th, 2009 at 8:07 am
Gdog… honey… I think you meant “propagate”, not “proliferate”. And in the third line, I think you meant “makes”, not “make”. Also, you might want to Google “run-on sentence”. Your use of the English language is embarrassing to America and Americans.
Oh… and while you’re on Google, be a dear and dig a up a reference link for that true story, would you?
July 8th, 2009 at 10:07 am
Well, asuming Cameron kicks out Gordon Brown in the next election (which seems extremely likely), then we’d have extreme squishy Euro-conservatives running things instead of Obama and the Democrats. Which wouldn’t be great, but would be an improvement
.
July 8th, 2009 at 11:41 am
DO PEOPLE ACTUALLY THINK THIS IS F’ING REAL???????
Seriously, I’m not sure what’s more sad – the fact that you can’t tell this is SATIRE, or the fact that you want Sarah Palin to run our country instead…. WE SURE ARE STUPID HERE IN AMERICA SOMETIMES…
July 8th, 2009 at 12:06 pm
Funny how many people seem to think this is real. Odd that it seems the only ones who can’t figure out that ‘Fake’ means that it’s not true, a joke, humour, etc., are the Obama bashers. Could it have something to do with a lower IQ?
July 8th, 2009 at 9:26 pm
Project much?
July 11th, 2009 at 7:51 pm
It’s amazing how many complete morons there are out there who can take satire and think it’s legit. Is it just Palin people, or are all political sectors this darn stupid?
July 13th, 2009 at 10:59 am
It’s amazing that Obama is such a linguini-spined, ankle-grabbing, hyper-apologetic kow-tow machine that he makes a piece of satire so spot-on believable. Is it just Democrats, or is the foreign policy of all presidents this darn stupid?
July 16th, 2009 at 4:23 pm
This was a link on Yahoo news. I am not familar with this column. Thanks whoever told me it was satire. I don’t consider myself to be a person who falls for things I hear or read online. I actually look things up on snopes.com to verify emails or other stories. The strange thing about this one is that it was so believable because that socialist that we have in the White House is hurrying through legislation to break capitalism and the Americans who voted for him are starting to see his true colors. No pun intended. I don’t care if he was green or purple, if he was a great leader who believed in the moral values our forefathers built this country on and was proud of this great nation instead of always apologizing to other countries, then I would vote for him in an instant.
Wake up, people. His “simulus” did not work. You don’t tax businesses to death. Then they can’t afford to hire more and have to let some go. They also have to raise the prices of their products and consumers re-evaluate whether they actually need that product. If it’s too high priced and not a necessity, they will no buy and the economy will not be “simulate” or recover. It’s not rock science.
This article is not so far from what he is capable of. So scary. The Speaker of the House told the House members that they were to vote on the Cap and Trade bill right away and the members were not allowed to read it all! I could go on and on about how angry I am that people still think this man is going to help them get out of debt, pay for everything in their lives and not have to worry about a thing. Ok, I’m done…somebody stop me!! lol
July 16th, 2009 at 7:43 pm
Wow. “It’s not rock science”. Can’t add any more to that one. Good luck with the rest of your lives all.
July 16th, 2009 at 8:56 pm
No, Julie’s right. There’s a big difference between petrology and economics.
July 16th, 2009 at 9:00 pm
Most “economic experts” are actually dumb as a box of rockets, anyway.
August 2nd, 2009 at 5:39 am
It shouldn’t be a surprise that so may brainless people did not understand this was parody. Given their steady diet of Fox News and right-wing whinge sites, they are easily manipulated.
August 13th, 2009 at 2:02 pm
[...] when Snopes has to put out an advisory on your site’s satire piece, You Have Officially Arrived On The Internet. Although, personally? I’m always going to think [...]
September 28th, 2009 at 12:08 pm
Here’s the way I understand it. Obama is like a kid with
A D D , and he has unlimited access to anything anywhere at anytime.
He had a fraudlent election with ACORN’S help, and wasn’t even
born in this country. Listen, he has his hands in everything, and
trys to be a one man show with background help of his Czar’s.
Someone will eventually take his hands out of everything, but
in the meantime we have to stand up to this out of countrol freak
and someone has to get his attention, perhaps he needs to live
in Kenya, his native land or go back to India where he went to
school or even where he really feels at home ( IRAN – LYBIA,
JORDAN, EGYPT, DENMARK, RUSSIA, IRAQ, BRAZIL, ETC..)
THIS JERK OF A PRESIDENT IS ON TV MORE THAN COMMERCIALS,
AND is constantly causing more problems. America needs to
APOLOGIZE TO ITSELF FOR LETTING OBAM EVER GET ELECTED
FALSELY AND EVEN PUT IN OFFICE AS A SENATOR.
Obam was an ACORN person – Check out the ackronymn acorn.
April 14th, 2011 at 7:22 am
[...] Obtain nuclear material and rockets, and nuke the moon himself. This may seem impossible, but if North Korea and Iran can obtain nuclear materials, then Frank can. And rockets? How hard could building one of those be? It’s not rock science. [...]
April 14th, 2011 at 9:56 am
It’s Too Late To Apologize: http:// http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uZfRaWAtBVg
September 26th, 2011 at 1:55 pm
Interesting how so many commenters “think” this “story” is true! Readers, it is funny because it is so NOT true. Please look up “spoof” in your dictionary (that’s the big book that nobody ever opened at the front of the library–which is a building with lots of books in it! You can also look for it in dictionary.com.)
October 20th, 2011 at 11:51 pm
Amazing how many magnificent idiots with an agenda believe anything written that supports their rabid hatred. With any luck maybe their heads will explode from the accumulated rage.