The White House softened its tone on North Korea by hinting that a sweeter energy and food deal may be had in exchange for disarmament, but Pyongyang hasn’t let up on its militaristic tone toward Washington, threatening the U.S. with undefined “options.”
“Unless that option is to starve to death while we watch and laugh, I’m not sure what they’re talking about,” Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld said at a press conference. “Frankly, I’m getting tired of these retarded Commies. I keep trying to concentrate on the demise of the Iraqis, and then North Korea interrupts my train of thought by screaming, ‘Kill us! Kill us horribly!'”
Surprisingly, Rumsfeld agreed with the idea of opening up talks with North Korea. “I think it’s a great idea. We should have talks immediately and see if we can get Kim Jong Il himself to attend. Then, as soon as we meet, I can strangle that freak myself while Condoleeza takes care of any guards.” Rumsfeld savored the thought for a moment. “As soon as I saw that reject with his puffed-up hair, I always said there was nothing I wanted more than to squeeze his neck until he is dead. Remember when I told you that?”
Most of the press in attendance nodded.
“Well, if Kim Jong Il finds out about my new plans, I’ll know who ratted me out,” Rumsfeld told the reporters threateningly.
When asked of whether murdering the leader of the North Koreans was the best course of action, Rumsfeld responded indignantly, “Are you questioning me?”
The reporter shook his head and shrinked away from the podium.
“What do you say to reports that you are mentally unstable?” asked a reporter that was new to these press conferences.
“I’m sorry,” Rumsfeld said, “I’m getting hard of hearing in my old age. Did you say something about wanting to be stabbed repeatedly in the neck with a ball point pen?”
Rumsfeld looked ready for violence, but then calmed down. “My doctor says killing reporters is bad for my heart. He also had the gall to tell me to stop eating my steaks raw and instead cook them to at least medium rare like I’m some sort of fruit. I thought about giving him a good throttling, but I don’t know if my health insurance covers that. Anyway, one more question.”
The revered Helen Thomas then stood up and asked, “Where am I? Has someone seen my pills?”
Rumsfeld then frantically searched under his jacket where he usually kept his luger, but eventually gave up and announced, “This press conference is over.” He then punched the reporter nearest and left.
A North Korean diplomat immediately responded to Rumsfeld’s statements, saying, “The super might of our country will knock the flying fortress of our enemy beneath the sea using the magic winds of our flutes.” He went on a while longer, but, by all accounts, the rest of his statement was just random words strung together in imitation of sentences. The same diplomat was later found strangled to death, seemingly another victim of the serial killer known as the “Rumsfeld Strangler.” He apparently only kills foreign diplomats and gets his name from his calling card he leaves on each body: the statement “I’m Donald Rumsfeld. I strangled this guy.” on a piece of the Defense Secretary’s official stationary that is signed by Donald Rumsfeld and stamped by a notary public. D.C. police are baffled.
I must again express my opinion that you are the funniest person on earth. This sure beats working at work.
This is my first time here and I am impressed. This is classic stuff!
Glad you enjoyed it. First time visitors like you is why I added the “In My World” categories page so everyone can catch up on the adventures of Rummy.
Thank you Thank you! I just spewed coke all over my monitor and everyone at work is laughing at me…I applaud you!
Dm
Frank, you are so damn funny it’s kinda scary. Scary in the good way. Don’t hurt me.
Heh.
Just found you and immediately forwarded your URL to my politically-oriented grandson. He’ll love you too.
I can’t contain myself: you totally rule!
Rummy couldn’t have said it better himself.
I can’t wait until the media are in the front lines. Are these guys brilliant or what? Give reporters what they ask for and find out what they’re made of. We’ll see what kind of smart-ass questions they ask then.
Frank J. you are hilarious!
Frank, you really should get together with some Conservative TV producers (Is there such an animal?) and get this stuff on tape!
“Red Rum I”
Keep it up! Keyboard makers everywhere are counting on you to keep us spewing drinks & ruining our hardware.
Frank,
I spent the last few minutes laughing so hard I can barely breath.
This is one of the best “In My World” posts yet. Your Rummy is the greastest character. Ever.
God, this Rumsfeld schtick is funny.
But in my mind’s eye he keeps morphing into a kind of mix between Hunter Thompson at the Las Vegas narcs convention and Doonesbury’s “Dr. Duke” as Ambassador to China…
I have not laughed that hard in many many years. Thanks!
You nearly killed me …
one thing.. we need rummy to be permanently in the3 administration.. maybe him as veep with condi as pres…
then you can eliminate 3 cabinet departments… he keeps sec def while she keeps nsa and takes over state as well…
rice+rum in 08
This is my first time here as well and I had to laugh out loud several times reading this piece. I am not normally a fan of parodies, but this was really worth the read. Stay on his trail, Frank. The D.C. police need all the help you can give them.
What the f*** are you f***ers talking about?
F***.