Kim du Toit, unlike me, will not call Democrats childish names.
Alex Knapp wishes J.R.R. Tolkein a happy eleventy-first birthday (I just started reading the books over the holidays, so I get why that is significant).
Joshua Martin celebrates that Christianity is on the rise world wide. Everyone loves Christians.
I had never heard of the Bloggies before, but I have decided I want one. Go and nominate me.
Now!

Bush hasn’t even said what his economic plan is, and Democrats are already describing it as just a tax cut for the rich. That seems kind of silly, but I believe it shows good thinking on their part. They’ve never failed to label any Republican tax cut proposal as a “tax cut for the rich,” so why even wait for the details anymore.
That got me thinking (if anything, I’m a thinker): they have a lot of those type phrases they consistently use in response to whatever Republicans do. There is a good reason for that, since the average Democrat isn’t the brightest chap and needs a simple concept to grasp on to.

Democratic Leader (pausing momentarily from sipping his martini): “It’s just a tax cut for the rich.”
Average Democrat (pausing momentarily from trying to insert a VHS tape into his new DVD player): “Me no like rich. Me vote Democrat.”

But, if Democrats always use the same response to certain stimuli (like mention of tax cuts or social security reform), that sounds like the perfect thing to automate. I think I could build a robotic Democrat (must… resist… obvious Gore joke…) that could perform the same function as any Democratic politician on a talk show. All I would have to do is take a manequin that could be made to sit up in a chair and then insert a microphone, speaker, and a simple computer system running voice recognition software. It will scan the speech of the Republican he’s it’s supposed to be debating, and then start repeating in a loop its standard response.
Stimulus: “tax cut”
Response: “It’s just a tax cut for the rich! It’s just a tax cut for the rich! It’s just a tax cut…”
Stimulus: “social security”
Response: “Republicans want to throw old people out on the street! Republicans want to throw old people out on the street! Republicans want to throw…”
Stimulus: “environment”
Response: “Republicans want to poison our air and water! Republicans want to poison our air and water! Republicans want to poison…”
Stimulus: “affirmative action”
Response: “Republicans are racist! Republicans are racist! Republicans are…”
Stimulus: “welfare”
Response: “Republicans want to starve school children! Republicans want to starve school children! Republicans want to–”
Stimulus: “guns”
Response: “Redrum! Redrum!”
If no recognized stimuli are found, a number of universal responses can be used such as “Republicans are mean-spirited!” or it can just emit some sort of high-pitched, incomprehensible whine.
Once I’ve produced a prototype, I can then pitch it to news organizations as a replacement for getting an actual Democrat politician on their show. This will remove all the costs associated with having to book Democrats on their programs and allow them to immediately have a Democratic response to any major issue. I think I could make a bundle.
To be honest, I got the idea when I recalled the debate of Al Gore vs. Dan Quayle back in 1992. When the subject of abortion came up, Al Gore just kept repeating “Don’t you support a woman’s right to choose?” over and over as Quayle tried to speak (can’t– resist– Gore robot joke– any longer–).
Oh man, I just realized that, while I thought I was describing this great new product idea, all I was doing was describing Al Gore.

South Korea seems to think that both North Korea and the U.S. need to make concessions. I know what you’re thinking – “What!? They even suggest we make concessions to nuclear weilding dimwits! Let’s murder them all!” – but don’t be so hasty. Remember, South Korea animates The Simpsons, and thus they control a resource even more important than oil. That’s why we at least have to humor them. Here are my ideas for concessions that each side can make:
NORTH KOREAN CONCESSIONS
* Shall have Kim Jong-Il wear a red nose to complete his look.
* Shall now have to give what little food they have to us in case we feel like an extra snack between breakfast and brunch.
* Shall change national religion such that all Americans are worshipped as gods.
* Shall dance for our amusement.
* Shall nuke selves as punishment.
* Shall burn in hell.
AMERICAN CONCESSIONS
* Shall only kill the first born child of each family.
* Shall not sow salt in the earth after saturation bombing.
* Shall not feed them to dogs.
* Shall limit dancing on their graves to a week’s length.
* Shall not subject them again to Carter.
* Shall not be extremely blatant in ignoring concessions.