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“I’m Ed.”
“Well, Ed, we’re kinda busy here,” Stan said with more than a hint of annoyance.
Doug looked at Ed quizzically. “You live here?”
“Yeah, it’s right in the middle of nothing. It’s nice and quiet.” He motioned behind him down a cave path. “I’m roasting some chicken if you guys want some.”
Doug was pretty hungry, but it didn’t seem like a time to pause to eat. “I have to help my friends.”
“If I were in your position, dude, I would not be rushing off to anything.”
“Why? What do you know? Are you one of…” Doug pointed to Stan. “…them?”
“I’m just someone who just got screwed in this type of conflict before.”
“He’s nothing, Doug,” Stan stated quite firmly. “Ignore him.”
“I don’t really care if you listen to me or not — I’m pretty much done with the whole caring thing — but I just heard this guy filling your head with a bunch of nonsense so I thought I’d say something. He’s trying to convince you that you can win this, but it’s a load of crap.”
“I can’t win?” Doug asked, a little more scared now.
Ed laughed. “Come on. Look what you’re up against. What the hell do you expect to do?”
“Well, I saw I have some power–”
“Like you understood anything you saw when you were tortured. The truth is all you humans are completely screwed, and there ain’t nothing you can do about while you wait for those in power to finally figure out how to get rid of you.”
“I don’t believe you,” Doug said, though he didn’t quite sell it.
“You believe him?” Ed pointed to Stan.
“The fact is, you won’t know who tells the truth until you try,” Stan said.
Ed laughed again and looked to Doug. “Yeah, _he_ won’t know until you try. You’re basically a canary in a coal mine for him. The guy set this up to see whether or not you get completely slaughtered, and he has his plans either way.”
Doug approached Ed angrily. “So what do you expect me to do? Just abandon everyone?”
Ed shrunk back a little. “Hey, don’t yell at me. I’m just telling you the truth. You getting crushed by forces beyond your understanding isn’t going to help your friends either. You can either play this stupid game, or you can walk away.”
“So nothing will stop Loch, Ronove, and the others? What about God?”
“Come on, dude. What do you think? You really think Him, Santa Claus, and an honest lawyer are going to swoop in at the last minute and save the day? This world is just crap fighting crap over more crap. That’s all it ever was and all it ever will be. You can try and put a meaning to it if it makes you feel better, though.”
Doug was getting frustrated to the point of breaking. “So you’re saying it’s all pointless?”
“People made up religion because they just can’t accept the fact that whether you spend your life helping people or murdering babies, it all ends the same. And whether you help your friends or walk away, it won’t make a difference in the end. I’m just telling you because it seems like one of you humans deserves to know the truth from someone who knows.”
“He’s just a disgruntled loser,” Stan told Doug. “He doesn’t know what he’s talking about.”
“Shut up!” Doug yelled. “I’m not listening to you anymore!”
“You never should have listened to him in the first place,” Ed said. “That’s a good policy with any nutter who introduces himself as the Devil.”
Doug turned back to Ed. “And I’m not listening to you either! You do seem like a loser.”
He chuckled. “Sorry I’m not as awesome as you.”
“None of you know anything, so I’m done listenting to any of you! I’m going to go help my friends. I don’t know exactly how, but I know it’s worthless trying to get any answers out of you… things!” Doug turned to leave to see more cave walls. He then looked back to Stan and Ed. “Um… so how do I get to Loch?”
“I’ll show you,” Ed said and motioned for Doug to follow. He led Doug down a torch lit path to where there was a chicken roasting on a spit next to what looked like a small pond. “Sure you don’t want any chicken?”
“I don’t have time to be eating chicken!” Doug snapped.
Ed frowned. “It’s good chicken.”
Doug looked around. “Where’d Stan go?”
Ed shrugged. “Maybe he’s moved on to other things.”
“So how do I get to Loch’s ship?”
Ed pointed to the pond. Doug looked at it more carefully, and thought he saw something moving in the murky water.
“I gotta swim through there?”
Ed nodded. “Underwater tunnel will take you to Loch’s ship.”
“But the ship is flying in the air. That doesn’t make any sense.”
“What does.” Ed walked over to check on his chicken.
Doug took another look at the water. “Is it a long tunnel? Will I be able to hold my breath for it?”
Ed cut off a chicken leg. “How am I supposed to know how long you can hold your breath?”
Doug poked the water with his sword, and he thought he saw something grab at it. “Are there things in there?”
“Yeah I forgot to tell you about that.” He took a bit of his chicken. “I’m not sure what they are, but they will rip you apart if you fear them.”
Doug saw more movement, but no shapes for his mind to latch on to. “I just have to… um… not fear them and they won’t touch me?”
“Yeah… I think… I’m not really sure.” He took another bite of chicken. “Maybe they rip you apart no matter what, but I’m quite sure fearing them isn’t going to help.”
Doug glared at Ed. “You really suck.”
“Whatever. Hey, it’s a hard path, but if you survive it, it will make getting ripped apart by Loch feel like you really earned it.”
Doug stared at the water. He was pretty sure those things were going to tear him to pieces, but he wasn’t going to make it easy on them. “So you sure this will take me to my friends?”
“Yep.”
“Then that’s all I need to know.” He gripped his sword firmly and prepared to jump in.
“Hey, one last thing, dude.”
Doug looked at Ed with annoyance. “What?”
“Good luck.”
Seriously man, now your just messing with the loyal fans. A touch more length and a little bit more of the story would be awesome. What we learned from this episode. Ed just doesn’t care about anything but chicken. Yep that’s about it.
As a fellow “Ed” I just want to say that I am not a loser.
But I am curious. Here we have all these here demons and other icky spawn, but no sign yet of the other 2/3rds of heaven. Hmmm, I’m really wondering when and how someone like Michael or Gabriel is going to show up and start lending a hand.
Of course, if only he had eaten the chicken, that might have been answered.
Ed is that voice inside your head that tells you just to sit back and let the stimulus dollars rain down…..while you sit in your recliner, drinking beer and eating fried chicken.
Or…no…wait…Ed is in fact really a big chicken, who tastes like human.
He’s a scared (e.g. chicken) chicken-eater…who smells like a Dem.
Lord…I’m confused. I need Rarl Kove to explain this to me.
Solipsism at its finest.
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