So after being told over & over again that Iran is completely harmless, it turns out that they’ll be hitting us with nukes as soon as they stockpile enough Mentos & Diet Coke to fuel their rockets.
I’ve never been a conspiracy theorist… well, ok, yeah, I joined the Round-Earthers back in college, but it was just to get into Brenda Dunwitty’s pants, so that doesn’t really count.
The point is – what other shocking discoveries am I in for this year?
I speculate wildly thus:
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* Michelle Obama was actually BORN a woman.
* As was Frank J.
* Not so, Nancy Pelosi
* The Swedish Chef found religion after the Muppet Show ended.
* Moon landing fake.
* Shamwow real.
* David Hasselhoff – vegetarian
* Harry Reid – not just his name, but also his wife’s nickname for his equipment.
* Barack Obama – Sith apprentice
* Michael Moore is just Rush Limbaugh in a fat suit. Have you EVER seen them together?
What’s YOUR nightmare scenario of a shocking revelation?
Actually it is Fred Savage in a Rush Limbaugh suit wearing a Michael Moore suit. Also the moon landing was real, it is just that picture of earth they took that was fake.
* The Russians orchestrated 9/11
* Glenn Beck and Keith Olberman are long lost sisters. Yes, I said sisters.
* Jesus was an Islamist.
* Kim Jong Il would stop all nuclear ambitions if he could just get a hug.
And the biggest conspiracy of all…
…Frank J. and Harvey are the same person.
It actually IS butter.
It is discovered that President Obama has toilet paper custom made with images of the constitution printed on each square. MSM cries “RACIST!” when Glenn Beck breaks the story and questions Obama’s patriotism.
Obama changes his foreign policy stance on overseas aggression, conquers Kenya declaring it the 51st state and then produces his birth certificate proving that he was in fact born in the U.S. as he’s been saying all along.
* Abraham Lincoln wasn’t killed by John Wilkes Boothe. He just had the wind knocked out of him.
* Matt Damon’s real father is George Clooney. His real mother is also George Clooney.
* We all live on the moon. The “moon landing” was actually an Earth landing.
* The only people who are genuinely racist toward Obama are the Samoans.
* Obama is performed by Frank Oz.
* The primary reason Germany lost WWII was that they lacked chutzpah.
* The Buddha was an outstanding pole vaulter.
* Hey, women. You know that little door in the front of men’s underwear? We never actually use that, y’know.
*Obama really was born in the U.S., he renounced his citizenship when he went to Harvard.
*Everything revolves around the earth. Well, not really the earth, but some guy named Bob Sanderson. If he dies, we are in serious trouble.
*The secret ingredient in Coke…sugar!
*Oregon never formally became part of the U.S. Their application got lost in the mail.
*Michelle Obama was actually proud of her country all along!
*Americans and Europeans found to be the same species. AAAAAA!!!!
* Brenda Dunwitty was a transvestite.
I’m still rooting for the FrnakJ scenario where Obama wipes off the blackface and we find out he’s really Borat.
*Charles Schultz wrote all of his Peanuts comics while on peyote.
*Ants are building nukes underground
*Dinosaurs’ bone structure will not allow them to be fitted with rocket launchers.
*Biggest Loser contestants are just in fat suits.
*If you play any Josh Grobin song backwards, it’s still gay.
When you said the Swedish Chef had found religion, I thought you’d point to this.
*Global Warming overtakes teh planet.
*NASA proves that moon rocks have sponge like properties after blowing up a crater and analyzing the dust.
*Other moon rocks prove to be made of Emantaller Swiss, Rocquefort, Parmesean and Limburger.
*Comets and asteroids to be tested to see if they are baguettes or just more sponge rocks.
*The moon can sustain life for humans and mice.
*There is no air pollution on the moon.
*Hippies, liberals and Elk leave earth to escape the atrocious pollution of capitalism and the arrogant, unapologetic, Christian, right-wing, American, racist views of arrogant, unapologetic, Christian, right-wing, racist Americans.
*Everyone on earth can share a Coca-cola and learn to sing and live in harmony.
Obama is scrapping missle defense in Eastern Europe to build it on the moon so we can’t nuke it.
When Iran said ‘nuke’ they really meant they were building a big microwave.
Borat removes his mask and reveals that he is the crazy, poo-throwing monkey.
Coca-Cola is pepsi with out the obama label.
pepsi is pure heroin smuggled in by Afghan sherpas to undermine the missle defense system. oops too late.
geroge soros’ “right” hand moves present husseins lips.
michelle obama is actually humanoid.
joey biden is not just a prototype robot
FrankJ is actually che guevera
You mean Shamwow’s aren’t real? But, but Vince said they are, and he even said they come from Germany and everyone knows the Germans make great stuff! What kind of a world is this when you can’t even believe Vince. I suppose the next thing we’ll find out is we can’t believe Obama either. And why is Chavez dressed as a Boy Scout?
they’ll be hitting us with nukes as soon as they stockpile enough Mentos & Diet Coke to fuel their rockets.
I thought it was Pop-Rocks and Classic Coke?
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* The Nigerian email scam? Obama’s early attempts at fundraising
* All inhabitants of Earth are not real, we’re just characters in a comic strip called “Sphinxy.”
Obama really did become POTUS.
* Michelle Obama was actually BORN a woman.
* As was Frank J.
While I don’t believe either of these statements, I would feel remiss if I didn’t point out that Frank J is actually more feminine than Michelle Obama. But then, who isn’t?
Fred Thompson is just an actor PLAYING Fred Thompson!
9/11-Trig-Truthers Can’t Handle The Truth!
Islam is NOT the Religion Of Peace!
The MSM is NOT mainstream!
Al Gore did NOT invent the internet!
There really is global warming, but none of it is anthropogenic, and it’s only temporary.
Winter is on it’s way