[High Praise! to Hot Air via The Onion]

This Onion piece is like something Paul Ryan would say if he were a Bond villain who had Debbie Wasserman Shultz strapped to a table and was just about to cut her in half with a laser.

And I’m a bad man, because that mental image makes me giggle.

Anyway, it’s got a few swears – even in the title – but the piece is so viscerally satisfying that I just had to share it anyway.

Excerpt [swear-free]:

It’s okay to admit it. You’re frightened to death of me. It might actually be healthy for you to face your fears now rather than later, when Mitt and I are leading by a few points in the polls and it looks like this thing might end badly for you. Face it: I’m not some catastrophe waiting to happen, like a Sarah Palin or a Dan Quayle. On the contrary, you have the exact opposite fear. I’m a solid, competent, some might say exceptional, politician.

Did you get nervous when you read that last sentence? Is it because you know in your heart of hearts that it’s 100 percent true? Is it because, even if you strongly disagree with my beliefs on Medicare, Social Security, women’s rights, and marriage equality, you know my talent as a speaker and my well-thought-out approach to these issues-no matter how radical and convoluted you find them-might just be enough to win over independent voters?

Do you get chills just thinking about how strong my appeal actually is?

[Think you have a link that’s IMAO-worthy? Send it to harvolson@gmail.com. If I use your link, you will receive High Praise! (assuming you remember to put your name in the email)]