[High Praise! to The Astute Bloggers]

Romney should release all his tax returns when Obama releases us all from Obamacare.

Our dear president is in a bit of a pickle, and it really boggles the mind how this could have even happened. You see, his opponent, Mitt Romney…that guy who is well known for murdering people with cancer, taking one-way trips with dogs on his car, and outsourcing jobs because it creates more poor people he can laugh at…has been out-doing Obama in fundraising. To the tune of over $60 million dollars! That’s right! Sixty! With, like, a million zeroes behind it, or something.

Maybe Michelle should have planted money trees in the garden instead of arugula…

Well, it’s a lot, and Obama isn’t too happy about it. He’s putting on a good show, of course, acting like everything is copacetic, and assuring us all that he will really stick it to the rich when he gets re-elected. Which is the important issue, no doubt. Those filthy devil-spawn rich people need a good sticking to, because it grows the economy and provides jobs and makes roads and bridges.

See, people can only give so much money to a campaign directly. Something like, $10 I think. Plus that dollar you can give on your taxes. So that is..umm..17 dollars I guess. So, the average ordinary Julia, who really loves Obama by the way, can only give 17 dollars straight to Obama. Which is really unfair, but those are the rules that the rich Republicans made to keep Democrats down. So, to raise money, Obama has to host dinners, clown shows starring Joe Biden, and things like that. And it costs like, one-hundred-eleventy dollars to get into these kinds of things, which the average Julia doesn’t have.

So Obama needs rich people with that many elevens of dollars to pay for a plate of catered food from some guy who didn’t build his business anyway. Which is only fair, because at least three of those elevens of dollars go not to the processed mashed potatoes, but to Obama’s campaign. They do important stuff with this money. Like making new commercials about how evil Romney is, and how he once traded his soul to the Devil to become a famous singer, and when that didn’t pan out, he owed the Devil three souls, and so he sold orphans’ souls to the Devil. Or to bumping four hours of tee times to get the president into an exclusive course during his campaign tour. Important campaign stuff like that.

So, like I said, that leaves rich people to help Obama get all of this money he needs to stay as president. But, as we all know, rich people are evil, and evil people are pretty much dumb. They don’t realize how much richer they will get when Obama raises their taxes to one-hundred-eleventy percent. Because this will stimulate the economy, and make more jobs, and then rich people will get richer. Even though the middle class will get even richer than the rich people are, and the poor will actually inherit the Earth. I read that somewhere.

But rich people, being evil and dumb like they are, just won’t pay to eat dinner with Obama, because they are against him fixing the economy. And they won’t pay to see Joe Biden act like a clown either. But that is probably because you can see that for free on the news every night. Maybe that is what the Obama campaign is doing wrong. If you could only see Biden do his clown routine in private, and charge for it, maybe then Obama could get rich people to pay, even grudgingly.

I should write the Obama campaign now and tell them I figured out how they can raise money.

Innominatus [High Praise!] has posted one of those million-times-forwarded emails featuring “five life lessons.”

I thought they were a bit sappy.

Then again, maple syrup is made out of sap, and pancakes are ever so much better with syrup.

If you’re having a dry-pancake day, maybe these are just what you need.

Technically Linens ‘n Things could just be called Things.

— Jon Friedman (@friedmanjon) August 21, 2012

Todd Akin is the most bipartisan issue in America right now.

— Bethany Mandel (@bethanyshondark) August 21, 2012

the whiter a nurse’s sneakers, the more patients he/she has euthanized

— john freiler (@johnfreiler) August 21, 2012

So Obama is sending Biden to Tampa during the Republican National Convention for some reason. I mean this is a guy who only ever gets attention for saying something dumb — and he’s been getting a lot of attention lately. I’m not sure how that’s supposed to pay off for the Democrats. In fact, I think since he’ll be down there, the Republicans should go ahead and give him a speaking slot at the RNC.

He’ll be like, “Well, I didn’t really have a speech prepared for you guys.”

And we’ll be like. “That’s okay. Just speak from the heart — say whatever comes to mind. I’m sure you’ll do great.”

And then we just end his surely memorable speech with a solemn reminder that this is the guy who will be next in line for the presidency unless people vote the right way in November.

Well, I think we’ve had enough talking about Akin for a while. So this economy under Obama… still really sucks, huh?

At some point, we really have to crack down on all these distractions. Obama is a horrible president who has done a horrible job and the main message of the presidential campaign needs to be, “Look how horrible Obama has been. The idea of giving Obama another four years is insane. Insane. Anyone who votes for Obama should be locked up in Arkham Asylum with the Joker. Obviously, like him, that person just wants to watch the world burn.”

Of course, the Democrats are going to try to cling to every distraction they can find and the media will help them. That’s why every Republican needs to bring every conversation back to Obama and the economy. For instance, in reacting to Akin, they should have said, “What Akin said was such an ignorant mess that it reminded me exactly of what Obama has done with the economy over the past four years.” If they try to bring up Seamus again, we should say, “That dog must have been as scared up there as an unemployed person is in Obama’s economy.” And if a dead hooker is found in the trunk of Romney’s car, he needs to say, “I can’t explain how she got there, the same as Obama can’t explain what happened with the trillion in ‘stimulus’ he spent that failed to revitalize the economy.”

See, simple. No matter what comes up, we can bring the conversation back to the important issues. If the Republicans would like to hire me as a campaign consultant, I cost one million dollars. If the Democrats would like to hire me to help them counteract this, I cost two million dollars.