IMAO Time Machine: Cthulhu Third Party Candidacy at an End

From 2012, this entry by Keln still makes me laugh. — The Editors


R’lyeh, South Pacific (NPN) – Potential presidential candidate Cthulhu has made it official: he has decided not to run as a third party “greater of evils” option in this year’s U.S. Presidential race.

The Dread god is sitting this one out.

“I just don’t see the point,” a somber Cthulhu said. “I mean, my platform has always been the total and utter destruction and subjugation of the human race, starting with the United States. But this year, there is already a candidate who can help accomplish these things.”

Cthulhu worries that running for president could jeopardize the Obama campaign by stealing votes from the misanthropic and nihilist segments of the Democrat base, which are sizable, but not enough to win an election on.

“The worst thing that can happen here, is that people select the lesser of evils, Mitt Romney. I just can’t be party to that, when I am such an outspoken proponent of the greater of evils in an election.” said Cthulhu, while eating one of our reporters. “Mmm nom nom, um, if Obama keeps up what he is doing, burrrrrp, then I could take the election in 2016, and the United States will be so broken by then, it will be child’s play to finish the work I intend to do.”

In other news, while it was speculated that General Zod would also enter the race again, very little has been heard out of his camp. Zod himself was unavailable for comment when asked about it, but a spokesperson did respond to NPN’s inquest.

“The General has not made a decision on whether he will run this year, or, more likely, simply take over the world.” said the Zod spokesperson. “Kneel before Zod.”

Straight Line of the Day: Now That the Trump DOJ Will Be Cracking Down on Public Colleges Using Affirmative Action in Admissions, Schools Will Begin Selecting Candidates…

Works like this: I feed you Moon Nukers a straight line, and you hit me with a punch line in the comments.

Now that the Trump DOJ will be cracking down on public colleges using Affirmative Action in admissions, schools will begin selecting candidates…

Straight Line of the Day: The US Has Detected “Highly Unusual” Submarine Activity from North Korea. The Most Unusual Part…

Works like this: I feed you Moon Nukers a straight line, and you hit me with a punch line in the comments.

The US has detected “highly unusual” submarine activity from North Korea. The most unusual part…

Straight Line of the Day: Buried Deep Within the Contents of the Over 21,000 Macron Emails Released By Wikileaks, Researchers Found…

Works like this: I feed you Moon Nukers a straight line, and you hit me with a punch line in the comments.

Buried deep within the contents of the over 21,000 Macron emails released by Wikileaks, researchers found…

Straight Line of the Day: Since the Media Has Determined it is Improper to Refer to MS-13 Gang Members as Animals…

Works like this: I feed you Moon Nukers a straight line, and you hit me with a punch line in the comments.

Since the Media has determined it is improper to refer to MS-13 gang members as “animals”…

Straight Line of the Day: When Debbie Wasserman Schultz’s IT Guy Was Arrested Trying To Flee the Country, the FBI Found…

Works like this: I feed you Moon Nukers a straight line, and you hit me with a punch line in the comments.

When Debbie Wasserman Schultz’s IT guy was arrested trying to flee the country, the FBI found…

Straight Line of the Day: The Real Reason Why Obama Has Been Meeting With World Leaders After Trump…

Works like this: I feed you Moon Nukers a straight line, and you hit me with a punch line in the comments.

The real reason why Obama has been meeting with world leaders after Trump…

Straight Line of the Day: After CNN Caused the Entire Internet to Declare War on Them After Blackmailing a Guy Over a Meme, the Next Step in Their Master Plan…

Works like this: I feed you Moon Nukers a straight line, and you hit me with a punch line in the comments.

After CNN caused the entire Internet to declare war on them after blackmailing a guy over a meme, the next step in their master plan…

Straight Line of the Day: After Telling Americans Not to be Too Patriotic, Obama’s Plans for the 4th of July…

Works like this: I feed you Moon Nukers a straight line, and you hit me with a punch line in the comments.

After telling Americans not to be too patriotic, Obama’s plans for the 4th of July…

Straight Line of the Day: After Feeling Left Out Due to US Media Only Talking About Russia Every Day, Kim Jong-un…

Works like this: I feed you Moon Nukers a straight line, and you hit me with a punch line in the comments.

After feeling left out due to US media only talking about Russia every day, Kim Jong-un…

Straight Line of the Day: After The Dude (Jeff Bridges) Announced That He is Rooting For Trump…

Works like this: I feed you Moon Nukers a straight line, and you hit me with a punch line in the comments.

After The Dude (Jeff Bridges) announced that he is rooting for Trump…

Straight Line of the Day: In Response to the Project Veritas Video Showing a CNN Producer Admitting Fake News, CNN Executives…

Works like this: I feed you Moon Nukers a straight line, and you hit me with a punch line in the comments.

In response to the Project Veritas video showing a CNN producer admitting fake news, CNN executives…

So We Already Kind of Knew This But…

Wolf Blitzer was unavailable for comment, but Jim Acosta did tweet a picture of his socks:

Acosta might want to change his pinned tweet though…it didn’t age very well.

Straight Line of the Day: After Seeing the Results of the MOAB He Ordered Dropped on ISIS in Afghanistan, President Trump…

Works like this: I feed you Moon Nukers a straight line, and you hit me with a punch line in the comments.

After seeing the results of the MOAB he ordered dropped on ISIS in Afghanistan, President Trump…

Straight Line of the Day: In an Effort to Bolster Public Relations, Embattled and Ronery Grorious Reader Kim Jong-un…

Works like this: I feed you Moon Nukers a straight line, and you hit me with a punch line in the comments.

In an effort to bolster public relations, embattled and ronery Grorious Reader Kim Jong-un…