While everyone is distracted by the little Commie evil, North Korea, the big Commie evil, China, is making plans to get their grubby hands on outerspace. We can’t let that stand; if we don’t stop them now, our orbit will soon be infested with Commie space ninjas chopping away at our precious satellites with their space swords. They even have plans to go the moon. That’s ours!
If I remember my history right (and I never do), back in the long long ago, the Russian Commies tried to impress us with how good their kidnapped German scientists are by putting a beeping object in space. All that outer space was to them, though, was an extravagant way to cruelly kill dogs, so we knew we had to show them up. Thus, we immediately sent people to the moon and acted like it was nothing. If I recall correctly, they just ended one newscast with, “By the way, Americans landed on the moon today… not that that’s too surprising since we are America and not a bunch of goddamn Commies.” The rivalry between the Americans and Russians is why there’s that famous photo of Buzz Aldrin standing on the moon holding up a sign saying, “Bite me, you Commie bastards!”
And, as prophesized in the Bible (I believe one of the Psalms), the country that first landed on the moon wins God’s favor and dominion over the entire universe. By bringing back magic moon rocks, we protected ourselves during the Cold War. But, if a Commie were ever to set foot on the moon, we would instantly fall from God’s graces and be plagued with boils, have our seas turn red as blood, and a hail of trial lawyers will fall from the sky.
That’s why I assume we have some sort of plan to shoot the Chi-Coms out of the sky (the space?). If we’re worried and getting whined at by the Euro-weenies, we can just say Russia did it. Those guys have been pretty screwy since they went non-Commie, so I think people will buy it.