I hear that the Republicans are looking for someone to run in Mark Foley’s place. Why not me?
As a blogger based in Florida, I already bring in tens of Floridians who support me – maybe some of whom live in Mark Foley’s district (I’m not exactly sure where that is, but that’s what campaign managers are for). Also, has any blogger – particularly one focused on political humor – run for the House? No, and thus my candidacy is sure to bring publicity… and not just the bad kind the Republicans are already getting.
As most know, I’m a strong conservative Republican and have absolutely no sexual interest in teenage boys, but what does that mean policy wise? For one thing, you can be sure I’m not going to burden our country by trying to bring pork home to my district, because I don’t even like Floridians; why would I give them anything? Instead, as a politician, I’ll be solely motivated by my hatred of terrorists. Everything I do will be to help see terrorists dead, and I’ll try and insert terrorist killing amendments in every bill we vote on. I’m sure eventually the older Representatives (which would be all of them) will begin to find me annoying and yell at me. But I won’t be intimidated. I’ll yell back at them, “Shut up, grandpa, before I break your hip!” And woe be anyone who thinks I’m bluffing.
That’s a promise.
Now, some may say I’m too young. Those people are traitors. The Constitution clearly states that someone only needs to be twenty-five to serve in the House of Representatives, and I’m twenty-seven. Thus, in the age department, I’m over-qualified. If you don’t agree with that, then you hate the founding father and should be executed for being a Communist.
It’s time for a blogger to take political office and shake up the status quo, so urge the Republicans in whatever district Mark Foley is in to consider me. I won’t disappoint my country… though I possibly will embarrass it slightly.
But no sex scandals – especially really creepy ones. That’s also a promise.
I’d vote for ya, and I don’t even live in Florida.
Run Frank Run! Frank in Congress and Kinky for Governor! Throw the rest of these pricks out! And if you do win Frank, just remember us little people who sent you there when all the cash comes rolling in and you get super rich! And also, keep your hands off the fat interns!
I’d vote for you, before I’d vote against you.
I would need confirmation from Sarah inre: sex scandals, and then you’d have to promise pork to all slamomoron terrorists. And a campaign button, I goota have a IMAO exploding moon campaign button.
though I don’t live in Florida, soon I will have relatives moving there. I will encourage them to vote for ya 🙂
Frank J: The Anti-Foley
I’d like to hear from Sideshow Mel on this issue.
Hey, wasn’t Foley the chairman of some committee that was anti perv? Are we really sure you won’t be playing baloney pony with the boys?
I don’t live in Florida, but I would gladly pay one of your supporters to vote twice. Whoops … that’s unconstitutional. OK — I’ll just move to Florida.
Tough, journalistic-like question:
With all of those monkey-faces to punch in the people’s house, when would you find time to do any serious terrorist killing?
Frank’s Anti-terroism and anti-ickism platforms are just red herrings to distract from his secret anti-lunar agenda. If you love the moon, oppose Frank.
Seriously dude, with the crap coming out of the dems, would they REALLY have any grounds to depict you as being “extreme” even when you’re joking?
And of course you won’t have any sex scandals – you wife is both hot and armed.
Between Kinky in Texas and that damn Robin Willams movie coming out, now may be your time, Frank. I’d do it just to piss off Robin Williams by winning. Get on Hugh Hewitt’s list of candidates to send money to. You have a blogosphere behind you. It might be worth putting out feelers even if you keep your day job. In your shoes, I’d do it just to avoid kicking myself later that I didn’t at least put a toe in and see if it were remotely possible.
OK, I guess I am being a little picky, but there is no evidence that Foley is a pedophile.
All the evidence is that he is a pederast. Last I checked, there are no pre-pubescent boys serving as Congressional pages.
A chicken in every pot, and a bullet in every terrorist.
Writer –
Not to nitpick
But as SarahK is from Texas, shouldn’t that be “A steak on every grill and a bullet in every terrorist”?
Damn, Frank if I had known you were willing to run for office, I’d have pooled in with USSJC to pay you to move and run for office up in OUR blue state. All we gots is RINOS running…(grumble…at least we got the GOP convention to look forward to…)
No embarrasment from my part…I’d even support you on my blog! Of course, I don’t really have any regular florida readers, just some occaisional visits from some guy in Melbourne…but hey, what do you have to lose?
The Federal Voting Assistance Act poster outside of my office says, “Responsibility has no borders. Vote.” It appears that the federal government wants me to vote in the Florida election even though I am an Alaska resident living in New Mexico with a Texas heart. You’ve got my vote.
This just in, this just in, West Plam Beach herald reports a one blogger Frank J is running for the congressional seat. He has yet to stop at nothing from the takeover. Democrats are on the run, devil has left the buidling and faggots are no more. Move over South Beach, a new dog is in town.
What about your anti-monkey platform? You forgot to mention your all-encompassing hatred of things simian. It’s the kind of thing that could bring in a couple extra votes, you know.
I’m going to write you in in my district. My congresswhatever is Anna Eshoo, who recently said that the Hewlett-Packard spying scandal represents “a 360-degree change for the HP Way.” Of course, that quote is from the Chronicle, so she might actually have said “take the Browns against the Raiders, and give the points,” which would have been good advice. If she actually said that, however, it’s further proof that she’s as dumb as a box of rocks, and whoever is running against her (I think that it’s Randy Moss, but I could be wrong) doesn’t have a chance, so I’m writing you in.
Jim,
Thanks. I’d tell everyone to write me in, but I’m not sure where I’m actually legally allowed to run for the House. Can anyone run for any House seat regardless of where in America he or she claims residence?
Can anyone run for any House seat regardless of where in America he or she claims residence?
Probably not. On the other hand, you’d certainly be better than Anna Eshoo (your cat would be better than Anna Eshoo), and your chances of winning aren’t any worse than those of whoever the Republicans are running.
And, if you want to run for President, I have eight extra years of age that you can have. No problem at all.
Some states require you to live in your distict, but that’s a matter for state law, and I don’t know what it’s like in Florida. But since Republicans control Florida through their orbital mind control lasers (ask the Democrats), I don’t think you need to worry about that pesky “state law” stuff getting in your way.
I don’t see any campaign buttons, bumper stickers, or T-shirts on the cafepress site. It’s not a real campaign without the swag…
Well, I live in California but since we don’t have any laws about voting, showing ID or even being a citizen. I’ll vote for ya wherever you run. If they say I can’t… that I have to be a resident then I’ll just say “Disinfranchisement” and I’ll get to vote for whomever I like. And I can vote as many times as I like, and will. I will cast one vote for myself and one for each illegal or dead person. That way you’ll get one more vote then your democrat competitor.