If politics ever turns against gun owners, they have an ace up their sleeves: They own lots of guns.

Why does Planned Parenthood have fundraisers? Infanticide is very profitable.

I didn’t know foreign countries would give you video games if you’re president. Again, I’ll be old enough to be president in 2016.

The pen is mightier than the sword, but you don’t tend to chew on a sword when you’re holding it.

You live your whole life a civilized human being, but put a plastic pen in your hand and you chew on it like you’re a labrador.

Working on my third book now for HarperCollins — and this one will be out in print and a self-help book.

It probably won’t actually help you.

That’s strangely satisfying that now when you click the unfollow button in Twitter, you actually see the followers tick down one.

OKAY! I GIVE IN, OBAMA! I CAN’T TAKE THE SEQUESTER ANYMORE! MAKE IT STOP!!!

So have the characters in Star Trek seen the Star Wars movies? Think they’d make a Star Wars related joke doing space stuff all the time.

If I were a character in Star Trek, I’d totally pretend my phaser was a lightsaber handle.

And why don’t Star Trek movies start with “Long from now in a galaxy that is this one…”?

Don’t get the point in brushing Buttercup’s baby teeth. No matter how good a care we take of them, they’re going to fall out.

Paul Krugman exudes a level of stupid you’d usually only get from college kid who is over sure of himself.