[High Praise! to the Gormogons]
_______________

Imagine a news story the old way and the new way. First, the old way:

“Pedrito Sanchez, an illegal alien, stands in a big box home improvement store parking lot every morning starting at 5:00am, where if he is lucky he will gain day-to-day employment from a series of pickup trucks that might pay him cash to do menial construction or scrap work.”

And now with the new AP style rules:

“Pedrito Sanchez stands in a big box home improvement store parking lot every morning starting at 5:00am, where if he is lucky he will gain day-to-day employment from a series of pickup trucks that might pay him cash to do menial construction or scrap work. Sanchez, 24, is a Guatemalan living in the United States illegally, based on the fact he dug under one of the many non-maintained fences along the Arizona-Mexican border about 22.4 miles West of New Mexico that the Obama administration paid $72.3 million to repair – the money never arrived. Local law enforcement attempted to increase enforcement of this area because of the serious collapse in security, but were pulled off that assignment by the Department of Justice under very suspicious circumstances.”

Yes, that actually does sound much better, and solves the technical problem that a person cannot be illegal, but can perform an illegal activity. Don’t you agree?
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[High Praise! to Nuking Politics]

For instance, in order for Rosa Parks to sit at the front of the bus, they didn’t have to rename it the “Integrated Front of the Bus.” They didn’t have to redefine “front of the bus” to mean “the first four rows of seats plus some in the rear.” It was still the front of the bus, just now Ms. Parks could sit there.

Likewise, when schools were integrated, they didn’t have to rename them “Integrated Schools.” You didn’t have to add adjectives and qualifiers to the word “student” and call them “black students” and ‘white students” and “students of whatever ethnic persuasion.” They were just students.

Now we actually have to modify the word marriage to make it fit the changed circumstance: “Gay marriage.” What will we call the people who are thus entwined? Will the person performing the ceremony pronounce them “Gay Husband and Gay Wife?” How will we know which is which?

If you liked that part, go ahead & read the whole thing.

[High Praise! to American Digest and The Onion]

SOUTHERN MONGOLIA-After failing to arrive at his destination in the Middle East this week for diplomatic talks with state leaders, sources confirmed that U.S. Secretary of State John Kerry had inadvertently traveled to Central Asia and is currently lost somewhere in the Gobi Desert. “Hello! Hello, is there anybody out there who can hear me?” the exhausted five-term senator reportedly said while stumbling across the vast desert expanse. “My name is John Forbes Kerry! I am the United States Secretary of State, and I am lost! Oh, God, almost out of water. Gotta make it back somehow…gotta make it back.” At press time, Kerry was reportedly relieved to have spotted a lush oasis off in the distance and was happily envisioning eating a juicy fig.

That’s actually the story in its entirety, but you’ll probably want to click over for the picture.

Just pass a law saying you can’t have nukes unless you pass a background check. North Korea problem solved.

— Tim Siedell (@badbanana) April 12, 2013

Yes, the Republican party is a big tent. No, we don’t have enough room for Megan McCain.

— Steven Crowder (@scrowder) April 12, 2013

I bet heroin addicts can open a Capri sun on the first try.

— GRUMPY CAT (@GrumpyyCat) April 12, 2013

Also, if you think exposure of the #Gosnell story is automatically a threat to your policies, you should probably reconsider those policies.

— AG (@AG_Conservative) April 12, 2013

I’m a conservative.I’m here to remind liberals of what they used to believe, and what they claim to still believe.

— DepressiveBlogger69 (@AceofSpadesHQ) April 12, 2013

“It’s curtains for us.” -Curtain shop owner opening his business”It’s curtains for us.” -Curtain shop owner closing his business

— Jon Friedman (@friedmanjon) April 12, 2013

“My bologna had a first name.” – Hannibal Lecter

— Chase Mitchell (@ChaseMit) April 13, 2013

I’m going to speculate the bomb was planted by cable TV talking heads.

— David Burge (@iowahawkblog) April 15, 2013

“This was clearly a false flag operation,” he said knowingly, as he wiped his cheetos-stained hands on his sweatpants

— Andy Levy (@andylevy) April 16, 2013

I’ve always assumed Alex Jones is a conspiracy designed to discredit Alex Jones.

— James Downie (@jamescdownie) April 16, 2013

So here’s video of Obama back from his days when he was in the Illinois legislature questioning the Born Alive Act:

Basically, the gist of it seems to be that Obama trusted abortionists who were just minutes ago trying to kill the child to turn around and try to save the child if he or she happened to be born alive — i.e., failed to die at the hands of the abortionist. And Obama didn’t see any reason for any special oversight on this.

And, of course, Gosnell went years and years without any inspections and we see the horrors that happened. So, does Obama see any errors to his ways of opposing legislation made to prevent infanticide? If we had a functional media, this is the sort of thing they would question him on.

I notice that with any random act of violence that happens, you have many on the left assume right-wing extremists did it while there are many on the right who automatically assume Islamic terrorists did it. Of course, a big difference is that right are often correct in guessing Islamic terrorists while the left are always wrong in assuming right-wing extremists. In fact, it’s seems not so much as the left think it’s likely the right are responsible as much as they seem to be hoping and praying that this time it will finally be the right-wingers and the left will then be able to screech and condemn the right for it. It’s like each terrorist attack is a present, and the left open it up hoping it will be the toy they’ve always wanted always only to once again find socks instead. Deadly, deadly socks.

Incidentally, if the right were more craven and just assumed their political opposites were behind an act of violence, they would occasionally be right.

But, anyway, it’s the right who are violent and need to watch out for their rhetoric. Everyone knows that.

[High Praise! to Nuking Politics]

Excerpt:

After a while, President Obama made some prepared remarks about the whole thing. I was troubled by a couple of things he said, or didn’t say. At no time did he use the word “terrorist”. What he did say, more than once, was that we would find out ‘who did this’, and with equal emphasis, we would find out ‘why’ they did it.

“Why” somebody might do this kind of thing is important, yes, but there are more important things to attend to first. “Why” is a question more suited perhaps to a defense attorney, or a forensic psychiatrist, but when a politician asks it, especially one with a history of “never letting a good crisis go to waste” one wonders at the motivation.

Click here to read it all.

Some of you noticed that Frank wasn’t here yesterday. Some of you were concerned. I mean, without your U.S. Recommended Daily Allowance of Frank J., what would you do?

Well, you made it through the day. Barely. But, that still leaves the question: Where’s Frank?

So, to test your IMAO knowledge, we’ve prepared a list of possible explanations for Frank’s disappearance, one of which is the real answer:

• His alarm clock didn’t go off.
• He was on a secret mission to Korea, to kick that obnoxious guy’s butt.
• And by “obnoxious guy” in Korea, we mean PSY.
• Selling his books door-to-door.
• Meeting with the Russians to plan delivery of a nuke to the moon.
• Opening a Mexican Stoplight Candy franchise.
• Filming a cameo appearance in the new Larry the Cable Guy movie.
• Meeting with NBC to discuss taking over The Tonight Show in three years.
• Lost his password.
• Sarah K was craving Chicago-style pizza. And it’s 1,696 miles from Boise to Gino’s.
• He needed a break.
• We needed a break.

Okay, maybe none of them is the real reason. I mean, seriously, how would I know? Like Frank has to check in with me.

Still, one of them could be right. But probably not. What do you think? Just where was Frank?