Many people have wondered whether the Democrats have a strategy for dealing with terrorists. In fact, they do, and we here at IMAO have obtained this FAQ which details out this new and inventive strategy:
DEMOCRATS’ WAR ON TERROR STRATEGY FAQ
Q. What is the Democrats’ strategy for the War on Terror… I mean, other than raising the minimum wage and other gay things?
A. I’m glad you asked that. Ours is a spectacular strategy designed to strike fear into the hearts of our enemies. Imagine you’re a terrorist in Iraq, angry at the world because of the lack of concern of climate change, and you head out to attack the American forces. When you reach their camp, though, you find… nothing!
Q. What? Where did the Americans go?
A. Yes, that’s exactly what the terrorist will ask himself. “There were supposed to be Americans here!” he’ll say. “But now there is no one! It’s like something out of the Twighlight Zone!”
Q. Do they even have Twlighlight Zone reruns in the Middle East?
A. You’re missing the point! Think of how devastating it will be to our enemies when they see how we can just disappear at will. They’ll fear us like gods!
Q. I dunno. This sounds a lot like a “cut and run” strategy.
A. But it’s not! It’s a “Ninja Magic” strategy! You know how ninjas can suddenly throw down a smoke bomb and then just vanish? That’s what the American military will be like! They’ll be just like ninjas, and everyone is scared of ninjas.
Q. Chuck Norris isn’t.
A. Yes, but, in Islamic culture, there is no equivalent of Chuck Norris. They will be defenseless to our ninja ability to suddenly disappear!
Q. I thought the reason people fear ninjas is more due to how ninjas fight with swords and kung fu and throwing stars?
A. We’re not emulating those aspects of the ninja. The ability of a ninja to magically disappear is much more difficult and impressive, anyway.
Q. I still don’t see how this is going to scare away terrorists. How will this stop them from attacking us on American soil?
A. If we can disappear in foreign countries so quickly, won’t we be able to disappear even more easily on our home turf? The terrorists will fear that, if they come to America to attack a city, it will be completely empty as soon as they get here. It will totally freak them out!
Q. We’re going to run away…
A. Magically disappear like ninjas.
Q. We’re going to “magically dissappear like ninjas” from our own homes if the terrorists attack?
A. It will take the support of the American people to intimidate the terrorists like this. Everyone will need to keep a suitcase packed.
Q. When the terrorists see us “disappear” every time they attack, won’t they consider that a victory over us?
A. That’s ridiculous! When a magician disappears at a magic show, do you think you won a “victory” over him? Of course not. That’s stupid. You’re stupid for suggesting it.
Q. Still, shouldn’t a strategy for dealing with terrorists involve like… you know… shooting at them or something?
A. That was the old strategy. The old strategy has failed. The Democrats want to win, so we’re not going to use old methods that fail. Instead, we’re going to use our Ninja Magic strategy that is new and proven by logic to work. If you want to continue failing like a fool, vote Republican. If you want to disappear like a ninja, vote Democratic.
in that case, I choose to look like a fool. a well-armed, angry fool standing in a pile of shell-casings.
First.
Like that scene from Hot Shots Part Deux with the guy buried in shell casings, HKPistole?
Frank J – Apparently you missed page 2 of the FAQs. That’s where they explain that when the terrorists show up, we all use our “Ninja Magic” to disappear, and the terrorists find no-one home but Mexicans. The terrorists get really embarrassed because they think they’ve accidentally attacked Mexico and go home with their tails between their legs. This also explains why the Dems are so stridently opposed to building a wall on our border. ..and people keep saying the Democrats don’t have a plan!
If they come into my house, I intend on making them disappear, and have the means to carry it out.
This is all funny and all but in all honesty disappearing like a ninja would be a pretty cool and impresive trick.
Frank, enough with these half assed solutions. Pulling out of Iraq and leaving the Middle East is really only part of the problem.
These are terrible times that need real lasting solutions. We must recognize that it’s our very presence that angers the rest of the world so much. American commerce, American political policy, American military might, American tourists, American media, American culture, American American’s, they’re all a major source of conflict. The world hates us all and wishes to be completely done with everything American in all its forms.
Isn’t it really time to relieve ourselves of centuries of cultural guilt. Yes, my friends for the sake of the planet earth itself, it’s high time for Americans to leave, vanish, that is TOTALLY DISAPPEAR FROM THE FACE OF THE EARTH. Yes, nothing short of total cultural abortion will suffice. Time for all Americans to start minding their own business and make amends. I realize that great sacrifices must be made to make things right. Switching from a polluting industrialized economy, to a Don Quixote economy of windmill’s and pack animals, will be a great shock. American’s better get used to being in the dark. It will be just penance for their crimes. The final and hardest step will be giving the west coast back to the Mexicans and the rest of nation back to the Indians. It is possible though. If the Italians and Eastern Europeans can stop breeding, our nation certainly can. It would be the grandest most generous undertaking our not so great nation has ever taken.
As for these few cultural elites that are needed to manage this great transition into nonexistence, they can do so safely from the northern lands of Canada.
Oh Canada!
Our home and native land.
Frank, you are a god. You are the funniest blogger in the world. Keep it up 🙂
My apologies to everyone for the post.
I had gas this morning.
So the Ninja Nutroots reveal their evil plan! They plan to disappear at will in the face of the enemy…like..maybe the French (spit!)
I thought that the Donk’s ninja strategy was “black ninjas rappelling out of helicopters into Al-Qaida camps”. You know, the “blaxploitation” strategy.
I think it’d be better if we HALO’d John Shaft into Baghdad with his black leather & shotgun. Riskin’ his neck for his fellow man.
That man Shaft is a baad muther….
shut your mouth!
MitchW
Forget the French, they are just bluffing again.
The Arabs will keep the French around just to have someone’s ass to kick. What other use is there for a Frenchman anyway.
Calm down, people; we’re just talking about Shaft.
That sounds like a Paul Prudhomme seasoning! Ninja Magic!
And we can dig it!
Actually, on a small scale America’s armed forces are already employing the disappearing ninja trick in Iraq. We gots Seals, Rangers, Delta and Recon popping up and offing these islamic clowns and then they disappear. I wish our flexiblility included turing this war over to the light infantry and using the heavies to hold territory and not relinquishing it. Keep in mind that our forces don’t disappear and show up on Okinawa or the Aleutian Islands. It is a shame to have all this ammo and not allow our guys to use it generously on our terrorists friends.
Forgot to add something. Helicopters flying around Baghdad at treetop (rooftop?) level blasting wah-wah guitar music while Shaft kicks ass, sucka.
Yes? No?
Perhaps the dimocrats can do a “disappearing ninja” trial run on November 7?
I think you’ve been had, Frank. That FAQ is far too logical to have been produced by the Democrats.
Here is some magic for the Democrats
POOF! You’re a pile of liberal shit!! Just because you are losers dont make the rest of the country that way. Oh yeah we are all the same, hug a terroist, give them rights, and they will like us. Lets have em all over for a Tupperware party eh!
Ya, Ya,
You guy’s think that keeping a low profile in the Middle East and selectively killing terrorist is going to do the job. I’m tellin’ you all, that anything short of no profile just won’t do the job.
I can see scandalous headlines now. “Ninja-Con special forces terrorize Islamic terrorists” and “Nation of shame, America stoops to terrorism to kill terrorists”. With Americans terrorizing the terrorist who can blame the terrorists for their terrorism. It will be just another fiasco. When will you guy’s ever learn.
Can we disappear when the democratic tax bill comes due also?
Can we disappear when the democratic tax bill comes due also?
I wanna do that!!!!! Someone teach me!
Frank,
You must have gotten one of the early drafts. You know how us injuns are sneaky, and how the hippies seem to worship us. Well, as it so happens, “the Man” in charge of the “Vast Right Wing Conspiracy” hired a few of us to infiltrate the DNC. While one of us entered through the front door in bukskins, a war bonnet and full war paint, a few more of us snuck in the back. While our compatirot kept the hippies busy by raising his hand and saying, “How, Ugh,” and “Pale face know nothing of conservation; let me tell silly white men heap long story…”, the rest of us swept aside the bongs, and underneith the eight tenticled hooka, we found this:
The Democratic Plan for the Police Action on the Poor, Depraved, Freedom Fightes of the Middle East:
1) Blame Bush.
2) Run Away.
3) Blame Bush.
4) Flood America with Ilegal Aliens. The Freedom Fighters are expecting to be in a country filled with white men in camoflague and cowboy hats. If all they see are brown people who can’t speak English, the will figure they are in the wrong place and leave.
5) Blame Bush.
6) Run away some more.
7) Blame Bush.
8) Get tough. Sternly sake your finger at the Freedom Fighter and say, “Shame on you! Don’t you ever do that again!”
9) Blame Bush.
10) Tax the American People dry. Keep half and send the other half to the needy oil barons of the Middle East.
11) Blame Bush.
12)Change our flag and colors to plain white. It works for France.
13) Blame Bush.
14) Show them the official DNC “Hooka of Wisdom”. Arabs have the best hashish. After we smoke it, we’ll all join hands and sing, “What the World Nedds Now, is Love, Sweet Love”. World Peace will be achieved.
15) Blame Bush.
16) If all else fails, spread rumores of rabbits with huge, sharp, pointy teeth and have every American citizen dress in armor and yell “Neigh!”.
17) Blame Bush.
18) Last resort: hold a hippie music fest; “Middle East Aid”. Hippie music fests solve everything.
19) Blame Bush.
20) Run away even more. Fire one shot in the air, and tell the American people we won the war, and have Hollywood make a movie about it…after all, every American citizen believes that anything made in Hollywood has to be true. This will prove that Bush was incompitent and we won the war in an hour.
If we use the disappearing ninja magic, don’t let the KOSsaks and DUmmies get it. That way when the terrorists show up, all that will be left are EXTREMELY low value targets.
Then after they have vanquished the BDS Gang, we gun-toting, red meat eating Patriots can come back in and take full advantage of the newly Target-rich environment.
“Thanks for that Q&A! I look forward to killing you soon!”