There is this area in ANWR that is the most horrid and God-forsaken place in the world. It’s like God was trying to design the world to be a beautiful place, but, when he got to this part of ANWR, He was like, “Ah, forsake it. It’s the seventh day. I’m going to bed.” Only the dumbest, smelliest, and most hated caribou ever go there. The only good thing about it is that it has oil there – oil that none of those reject caribou are using at all. It’s only useful to us humans. And, I believe God once declared, “ANWR is most hated by Me. He who drills many holes in it will be most beloved among My children.” That’s why they GOP, who like good things for America, are once again pushing to drill for oil there. But, the Democrats, who love terrorism and hate American things like apple pie and shotguns, want to stop us from getting more oil. ANWR is a barren wasteland, and thus it reminds Democrats of their own hearts. They’re more concerned about preserving it than about preserving America, but we need that oil to keep our SUV’s fueled so that we way run over the heads of terrorists.
I know what you’re probably saying, “We should banish all Democrats to the coldest moon of Neptune!” And, while that is the first most logical response, I think Democrats can be important to the future of America… but only if they’re buried deep in the ground such that they become oil for future Americans.
Democrats will probably object to be buried in the ground, whining, “Don’t bury me in the ground; that’s mean spirited.” But, in the end, they will have to do what we say since we have many many more guns. Then, after they are buried, they will be made oil by the earth’s pressure just in time to help our children’s children’s children’s clones’ clones fight the damn dirty apes – apes that are evil, smelly, and mean to Charlton Heston, and thus much like the Democrats we battle today.