So. Finale Eve. I can’t say I’m bummed about the result of DWTS, because if I were giving a cumulative winner mirror ball trophy, I’d give it to Apolo and Julianne by a sequin. But based on last night and tonight, especially based on the freestyle, come on. Definitely Joey & Kym. By a Padawan braid. Anyway, well done all of them, but what was up with Emmitt (yay and sigh) saying that the mirror ball trophy can be improved upon? I mean, I guess they could put the words in bright red sequins, but I think it’s shiny. Oh! Speaking of that! My cousin Kerri had her baby Sunday night, I think, and she named her Kaylee! How shiny is that?! Though I guess that means we’re stuck with Inara or Zoe. River’s out. I mean, come on. Geographical features? Oh crap. Frank just said that River would be a nice name. “Hi, I’m River Styx Fleming. Would you like to buy my artwork? I made it out of pine needles and moss.” Seriously, he is not allowed to name our babies. No no. The only geographical feature I will consider is K2.
Oh yeah. American Idol, is it? Let’s to it, then. Ryan says it’s 100,000 down, two to go. 100,000 exactly, Ryan? Are your records that good? I want an audit. One guy, one girl.
This.

Is American Idol. What? Did you think I was going to say “is your lucky day. Melinda Doolittle getting kicked off was all your nightmare, and in fact, it’s a catfight tonight between the Doo and Jordin”? Better yet, the Doo and the Glock. Or the Doo and that Baylie chick who always forgot the words and didn’t make the top 24.
Denise Richards is in the audience. I think we’re supposed to be happy. I can’t remember. Did she steal Heather’s guy, or the other way around? I can’t remember which one I’m supposed to hate. I think it’s Denise. Booo! Hiss! Queen of putrescence!
Frank just reminded me that we could go with Our Mrs. Reynolds, Saffron. No spices. “Hi, Turmeric Fleming here, reporting live from Antarctica, which no longer exists, here in the future, because we’re all dead due to global warming, and Antarctica melted long ago because Al Gore wouldn’t stop blowing hot air.”
Maybe we’re better off with animals and the names we give them. And no, I’m not pregnant, it’s only come up now because I’m suddenly freaking out that if we have babies or adopt that adorable little black child we saw on the American Idol Super-Fantastic Charity Challengeathon, Frank will want to name him or her Rocky Outcrop Fleming or Dill Weed Fleming. I’m going to have nightmares. I guess it’s better than nightmares about cockroaches, though.
They’re in the super-huge Oscar theater, the Kodak. Ryan says “It’s another Battle of the Sexes. We’ve had Justin & Kelly, Bo & Carrie, Taylor & Kat, and now Blake & Jordin.” And don’t forget Ruben & Clay (kidding! I totally heart Clay!) and Simon & Ryan (no, you’re gay!).
Wow. Ok, so the judges must have watched Best Week Ever this week and saw how disappointed everyone was in the judges this season. I totally agree with what BWE said, too. Because when the season started, I was so excited. Paula was off the hook on the local morning talk shows, plus when they started the auditions, she was just ugly to the contestants. Perfect snarky television, a SarahK’s dream, y’all! Then they just tanked. It was like this. RANDY: Yo dawg, it wasn’t your best performance. (or) You blew it out the box! (or) I don’t know man, for me it was just a’ight. I don’t know. (or) Melinda, you’re our resident pro! Paula? PAULA: How do you feel? Do you feel great? You know what I love about you? Your boots. And that you just get out there, and you’re you. You be you. And you’re not someone who’s not you. (or) You look beautiful, so you should be proud of how you did. (or) Um, I think you need to watch yourself on, um, the low notes [Pennywise], and you look, um… Simon? SIMON: I’m not jumping out of my chair. (or) It was very karaoke. (or) What can I say? (or) I think what Pauler is trying to say is… (or) Melinda, it was great. (or) Melinda, it was fantastic. (or) Melinda, you were outstanding. Far and away the best of the night, in a different league from the rest of the competition tonight. (or) LaKisha, you’re out of everyone’s league. (or) Haley, smart move not wearing clothes.
Anyway, you know they watched BWE, because they really want people to remember why we love the judges. Randy is wearing a Confederate soldier jacket or somesuch, with brass buttons and chains and everything. Pauler looks like she just rolled out of bed, threw on the outfit that the emcee from The Haunted Mansion at Magic Kingdom wears, drove to the theater with the top down on the car, and pumped in some collagen. Simon looks dashing and full of chest in his Big Event Low-Cut Jacket and Pressed Shirt Ensemble. You know the one.
Ryan asks Pauler if she’s ok, because it was in the news that she broke her nose last night. “Are you ok? Are you just bruised?” PAULER: I’m just bruised. I tripped over my dog Tulip. SARAHK: We’re not naming our children Tulip either. FRANK: I didn’t want to. PAULER: Tulip’s fine. SARAHK: Tulip? Must be a matching mitzy dog. RYAN: So the bitch is ok. SARAHK: You and Simon have started up already?
Ryan said the songwriting contest winners (I never even checked out the entries) came from Seattle. Also the finalists. Not the top two, mind you. Just the two finalists. Wow, Blake’s hair was spiiiiiiky.
So Blake won the coin toss last week, and he said to Jordin, “Do you wanna go first?” because you know… you always want to go last in the finale. Duh. Jordin said, “Nuh-uh!” and Blake said, “Ok, I’ll go first.” Dude, you won the coin toss. He doesn’t want to win. Before even hearing them, I pronounce Jordin the winner, because Blake has loseritis. He doesn’t deserve it if he doesn’t even care enough to go second.
So tonight they each sing three songs. One is their favorite. One is something they haven’t sung on this show before. And one is the winner of the songwriting competition. The song is called… wait for it… it is a pure American Idol-worthy title, and no, I don’t deserve to make fun of it, because I didn’t write a song and try to compete in this, and no, I haven’t even heard it yet. But based on this song title, it sounds like it’s gonna be right up there with “Inside Your Tear Ducts.” It’s called…
“This is My Now.” You don’t own “now”s. You own stuff like houses and TVs and even hamburgers right before you eat them. Ok, that’s all I will say by way of making fun until I have heard the song. Maybe…
01 Blake is first doing “You Give Love a Bad Name,” which was one of his best all season. The beatboxing is better on this than it was the first time he did it (especially on that duelling part with the drummer, man, that was so fantastically ridiculously awesome, yes–I am giving it up for Blake, shut up), and it was good then. No doubt, he is an excellent beatboxer, like Justin Timberlake good. Yeah, I said it, I went there. I’ve got every CD ‘NSYNC ever put out memorized, kids (including the Christmas one, yo), and Blake is on par in the beatboxing department. The singing wasn’t that good. I mean, it was on pitch for the most part, but his voice seems like it’s a little fatigued. He had the Chris Richardson Bobbing Microphone Syndrome for a lot of the song, probably because he was trying to get into the crowd a little more than he usually does, and that seemed to throw him off. He even said, “I play my part, and I play your game.” Either a screw-up, or he’s trying to say, look at me, I’m being good and doing what good little AI contestants are supposed to do. I’m working the crowd. Praise me for it, judges. RANDY: Yo yo, here’s the deal. I can’t even hear myself talk. (Major standing O.) I give you a 10 out of 10 on the beatboxing. The singing for me was just alright. SARAHK: I know, right? PAULA: I’m gonna go clean Randy’s ears out for him, because he’s hearing something that we’re not hearing. You outdid yourself, you were far superior to when we were at CBS (or CVS? is she talking about pharmaceuticals or a television studio?). I wish I could give you a ten plus ten plus ten plus ten. SARAHK: Where were you all season, Crazy Allegedly Drugged Up Pauler with the Nappy Hair? I’ve missed you so! You’ve been holding out! SIMON: Blake, you’re not the best singer in the competition, but you are the best performer that we’ve had in the competition. SARAHK: I’ll agree with that. And actually, when he’s on, his singing voice is loverly. Remember that Keane song? Not much comes to mind since then that I loved, but anyway, I know he can sing. SIMON: Somewhere in the middle there, I thought the performance was great, the energy amazing, I thought the singing actually was a bit flat, I felt you were shouting. But I don’t think it matters, because it was your best performance three or four weeks ago. SARAHK: Well, three or four weeks ago, the Doo was still here, too, and now you totally just harshed my mellow, Simon, and I think that’s a drug reference, which is kind of silly and irrelevant of me to make, because I’ve never done a drug.
I just asked Frank to close the patio door, because he’s going to bed without me so I can watch and blog this. Because you live for it, remember. I’ve told you as much. “But Sydney’s out on the patio.” “Would you mind getting her, please?” He looked at me all surprised, then looked down at himself and back at me, like I didn’t already know what he was wearing. He’s wearing only Homer Simpson boxers. “I don’t think people are out on the golf course staring in at our patio. And if they are, they’re sick.” He is cute in those boxers, though. But you quit picturing it, ladies. He’s MINE!
02 Jordin is starting with the song she’s never done before. She’s doing Christina Aguilera’s “Fighter.” That’s a hard song to sing, I would never ever be brave enough to attempt it. Especially not on All Finale’s Eve. Ok, first off she looks great. I LOVE that top she has on. I would wear it if it were a little less spaghetti-strappy. But I love that fade-to-black bottom-to-top thing. Very upside-down freshly-dipped paintbrushy. Not that everything I see reminds me of paint and paintbrushes or anything. Hair looks great. I love her hair any way she wairs it. Oh my, look how I spelled wairs. That’s wears, people. wears Ahem. Now to the singing. I don’t know if it’s our sound because we only have the center speaker plugged in (but all the sound is just coming out of that instead of splitting to 5.1, so it should be fine), but she sounds very exposed, I can hardly hear the band, and the sound on this one is just bad. It wasn’t that way on Blake’s song, so I don’t think it’s our sound. Jordin keeps grabbing at her hair like she’s really feeling gritty about how much stronger she feels and how she’s such a nitty gritty dirty fighter because of whatever the song says. That’s all fine and good, but Jordin, you really look like you’re in pain. Not like you’re stronger–like you’ve just tripped over Tulip. Who is fine, by the way. The beginning of the song, she seems like she’s just working to get all those fast words out, and I would be too. Very courageous song to sing on Finale Eve, like I said. Then there’s a little bridge before she does the last chorus, and she’s actually getting screechy and trying to be all Christina-y. Here’s the thing: It is so hard to do Christina songs even at karaoke bars in East Fort Worth at 1 a.m. where you’re the only not-drunk person in the bar and they will give anyone who can carry a tune in a bucket a standing ovation for the simple act of not falling off the stage before the end of the song. And on American Idol? She’s just too good, and we’re just too picky as AI fans. And with the band laying out like it’s doing (seriously, why is Jordin so exposed here? It sounds almost like she is singing with a bad copy of a copy of an audition tape, and cassette tape at that), you can’t do all those runs where you just sing one note and trill and bang and pop and whir your voice beautifully and incoherently until the end of the song. You have to have a bunch of underneath stuff to sing over, or it doesn’t work, and where are the backup singers? They’re barely even there when they have a solo. IS IT JUST ME? I’m almost getting angry at them. And ouch, that is a screeeeeeechy note there, Jordin. I give an A for effort, a C for that screechy note which was going pretty well until then, an F to the band and sound technicians, and an F to her BFFs who allowed her to pick that song. At the very least, she should have cut it off much earlier. Woo. Look at Jordin’s hot mama. She has her hair all done up for the Finale Eve, and she is even prettier than usual. There is no question where Jordin gets her looks. RANDY: Check it out (repeat 4x). This is a very interesting night tonight. I feel like we’ve got the great entertainer. SARAHK: Billy Joel? RANDY: against the great singer. SARAHK: Celine Dion? Shut up! She has an awesome voice, and I don’t care how crazy she is! I know she’s a little off and loves to sing with dead people and get photographed with other people’s neckid newborn babies, but I love her voice, and I cried when I saw her in concert. Cried! So just… SO’S YOUR FACE! RANDY: I mean, it wasn’t your greatest entertainment thing, but your voice, I mean, that was stellar. You got the vocal! (x2) PAULA: I knew that this was gonna be one of the best finales ever. SARAHK: Yes, I’ll put it in the top six for sure. Of all time, even. Top six of all time. PAULA: And the two of you opening up the show tonight proved it. You were stellar. Awesome. SIMON: Jordin, on a positive note, I think it’s great that you chose a younger song, because you are only 17. SARAHK: Is she? I hadn’t heard that. SIMON: I thought that the vocals were a bit shrieky in the middle. (Boos from audience, agreement from SarahK.) SIMON: (Puts on his sunglasses)… I’m gonna call… round one… (takes off his sunglasses)… to Blake.
Look, there’s Constantine making love to the camera, nodding thoughtfully, and pretending he’s there for anything other than publicity. And look at me giving it to him.
RYAN: What do you think, Paula. PAULA: I’m a blubbering allegedly doped up mess, but it’s only because I allegedly tripped over Stargazer. You’re not gonna get me to say anything but it’s an amazing tie! SARAHK: Amazing! RANDY: Performance to Blake, vocals to Jordin. SARAHK: Roughly translated, that means that without the beatboxing, Jordin would have kicked Blake’s pinkies and his toes all over Hollywood, Dawg. And I have to go with Blake because even though she did more vocally, so much was wrong with her performance. There was more right with Blake’s than wrong.
Ugh. Only 20 minutes in. I’m sleepy.
Blake asked for a drumset growing up and never got one. In high school he heard someone beatboxing and decided he wanted to learn. Come on, Blake, you know you learned it from ‘NSYNC. It’s ok. No one will be mad.
Ok. So Blake’s second song is “She Will Be Loved” by Maroon 5. I love pretty much every song off Songs About Jane. I would have loved for Blake to sing anything by Five for Fighting here, because he just did Maroon 5, what, last week? Anyway, yeah, his vocal chords are done now. He’s having a hard time even getting the notes out. He still manages to get through the song, but I don’t know how he’s going to get through the song about Owning Now. Boy needs some whiskey and honey or something. If he played hockey, I’d say give him saline IVs, but I don’t think those will work for him right now. He’s gonna have to hope that 1) Jordin screws up royally; 2) Melinda’s fans are totally ticked off that Melinda’s not in the Finale Eve, so they vote for Blake to spite the one girl left in the competition; 3) his little teener girls are mindlessly pushing the buttons no matter what, because they love him more than fake crying plant girls love Sanjaya. One more thing about the performance: he should pull up those pants. His butt sticks out as it is (says the holder of the world record for Most Junk in Trunk), and having everything falling out everywhere in the back just accentuates the issue. RANDY: Yo, check it out dawg, baby. Great song, and a very nice vocal. I love just hearing you sing nice and pure like that. SARAHK: You heard where he could barely finish his notes because he needs a Halls, right? Are you patronizing him? And why are you still wearing the Confederate jersey? Hey look, it’s Doyle! And he’s all healed from his explosion! Awesome, I’m glad he’s not blind. PAULA: It’s good that the big number stop it Simon still we’re in the Kodak Theater and he starts up the first number’s out of the way this really sits you like really got into the ease of the song it starts up you sound great relaxed you sound great out there! BLAKE: (look on his face is priceless–mwhuh?) Thank you. (I think?) SARAHK: Where was freaking Tulip all season long?? Hunting squirrels? Sniffing other mitzy dog butts? What the heck, Pauler? This is why you’re on the show, and you’ve not been bringing it like this all season. I’m really disappointed, because now I know you can do it, and you’ve just been sandbagging. I’m sending you 20 Tulips FedEx tomorrow, and don’t lose them. Or you’re getting voted off and replaced by someone who can be crazy all the time and wants the job:Fear the Lohan, Pauler. Seriously, she’ll show up late, drunk, everything. And then go on Martha Stuart, where Martha will totally call her on her partying, and I will shriek in glee. Nigels! Get on it! This is the Pauler we want, or we want Lohan. Or Britney. “Um, there was like, too much singing in your singing. And your microphone is too big. And you don’t sound like a squeaky mouse. And I just caught a bug in a jar for fun and dropped my baby on his head. Huh? Huh?” Pauler needs to own it. Just be you, Pauler. SIMON: It was good, safe, it wasn’t as good as the first performance. I actually wouldn’t have chosen that song in the final, because I don’t think it makes that much of an impact. (Ryan says Blake has never seen an AI finale. Poser!) SARAHK: Is no one going to mention that he’s really hoarse? Should I go relisten? Ouch. On the relisten, I noted not only the cracky, hoarsey voice but also mega pitch issues. But man, he has such a pretty tone to his voice. I do love the sound of it.
Oooh. Jordin’s doing Martina McBride after the break. If she does “A Broken Wing” at least as well as she did it the first time, she wins. This was probably her best song all season, so she has a good shot. Especially since Blake has no voice left.
Jordin always wanted to sing. She’s happy.
02 Jordin is singing “A Broken Wing.” Looks great. Nice almost-navy top that’s almost to her knees (is that a new trend I’m missing or something?) over jeans. Modest, lovely. Eek, there’s some kind of dove or something on the back of her kimonoblouse. Whatever that is, Daniel-san. Jordin fight for Miyagi-do Karate. She’s got that crazy nervous goat vibrato thing going on throughout the song, but at least she has a voice left. I’m hating tonight, because I really feel like I should be giving Jordin nice props for being good but not as great as Melinda, who is going to win. There’s the money note at the end, and it’s pretty good. I think she did this one better the first time, but she wasn’t in front of as many people at the Kodak. I still give Round Two to Jordin. Aww. She made her mom cry, which kinda made me cry. RANDY: Yo. So check it out. (Tivo glitch.) Something about her being the most talented 17 year-old. Age ain’t got nothin’ ta do with it. You gotta know, girl, you can blog. [Ed: Um, I think he probably said sing, and this was either a freudian slip where I was pretending Randy was judging me–see, there’s a reason I go back and re-read what I wrote the next day–or I just accidentally wrote “blog” instead of “blow.” Because I don’t think the contestants are allowed to blog while they’re on the show.]Yo, that was flawless. SARAHK: If she can get the vibrato under control, she can sing it flawlessly. RANDY: I think better than the original. SARAHK: Whoa whoa whoa, now you can just get on out of the building, you Confederate tuxedo peddler. And WHY has no one in wardrobe or makeup told you that the outfit looks ridiculous? Better than the original? Uh, no. PAULA: Jordin, you look adorable, but I’ve gotta tell you, you are in great great vocal voice tonight. SARAHK: Vocal voice. You know, sometimes people are in non-vocal voice. Actually, I guess there are mimes who, when they’re doing their little trapped-in-boxes routines, would argue that they have non-vocal voices, but I think Pauler’s just tripping on Tulips tonight. If you know what I’m saying, wink-wink. She doesn’t know what in the world is floating out of her vocal voice chords. She’s just happy she stumbled her way into the theater. PAULA: You’re soaring, you’re soaring. SARAHK: Just like Pauler! SIMON: Now that was good. SARAHK: Yes it was. She should clearly win. I mean, if we don’t count Melinda.
Oh look! Jennifer The Queen of the World Hudson has graced us with her presence. How kind of her.
Scott something and Someone Peabody from Seattle won the songwriting contest. Guys–y’all are gonna make a boatload of money off this song. Even if it sucks. Which I don’t know, because I haven’t heard it yet. But I have seen the title. Congratulations, really.
Rowdi just sighed and grunted, because we’re about to hear “This is My NOW” for the first time. Rowdi says, “This is my sleep time.”
01 Blake sings it first. What is with the argyle sweaters tonight? I feel like he’s sewn a ton of socks together for Finale Eve. I mean, is there a special store? Argyle Addicts Attic? “This is my now, and I am breathing in the moment. As I look around, I can’t believe the love I see. My fears behind me. Gone are the shadows and doubt that was there…” Deep breaths, SarahK. Deep breaths. I mean, it’s a good boy band song. Good enough for Backstreet Boys and 98 Degrees. Not ‘NSYNC-worthy. Definitely more of a girl song, and I feel for Blake having to sing this, I do, but he is sooo going at this halfway. Like “Uh, yeah, I’ll sing it, but I’m going to project to everyone that I’m way too cool for it.” He tries this wacky jumping gyrating to the side thing in the middle of it that just kind of makes it worse and brings back the CRBM Disease. Ha, I have a Randy Jackson in the Confederacy jacket freeze-frame right now. I cannot get over that ridiculous jacket. For the rest of my life, I think I’ll always think of Randy when I hear the word “Gettysburg.” Anyway, Blake’s voice is back, but he’s not even trying to pretend to try to sing this song. Hey Blake, you knew you were going to have to sing a crappy pop song (which, btw, is already growing on me) if you made it to the finals when you signed on. Don’t act all surprised. Anyway, I think Jordin’s gonna punch Blake in the face with this song, because it’s just her kind of song.
On the way to Lowe’s today, Frank was asking me what kind of songs each will have to sing to win it all. “Oh, Blake will have to beatbox some and do some smoothy smooth lovely vocals some. But he has that vacant-headed teenager vote no matter what, so some of his voters are going his way whether he does well or not. I mean, he looks like a skunk now and still made it to the finals. They don’t even care about his hair! They’re going on past looks and past singing. They’re going on two songs and the dream of what he could look like if they wash that skunk right out of his hair.” “What about Jordin?” “I’m glad you asked. Jordin will have to sing Disney songs. Not actual Disney songs, necessarily, but the kinds of songs that you can imagine playing over the end credits of a Disney movie or a big love-theme epic like Titanic or some such movie. Songs with big money notes. Oh, and ‘Broken Wing.’ She definitely needs to do that one again, it was probably her best one this year.”
Anyway. Blake basically ignored the song and was pitchy when he half-sang it. He wants to lose this thing. (Chris Sligh is sooo cheering him at the end of the song.) RANDY: Yo, ok, so Blake. I know something here. SARAHK: Sure ya do. RANDY: This isn’t normally the type of song that probably suits your voice. You did ok. It was just a’ight, man, just a’ight. You don’t have to feel that bad about it. SARAHK: Maybe if you would have tried singing it… PAULA: Even if it’s not the genre of music you like or enjoy, I think you did a great job on the song. (Blake is just smiling a big, fake smile that says, “It is such a dumb girl song. I feel like I should be wearing a dress.” SarahK says, “Maybe if you tried wearing the dress, got more into character, you would have actually sung it?”) SIMON: I thought it was all a little odd. SARAHK: So’s your face! SIMON: How did you feel? (Blake just smiles all blank. Nothing there. Maybe I’ll call him Blank.) SIMON: All the jumping around in the middle… (Blake laughs and looks like he’s trying to hide something. Hmm. I’ll ask the question on your minds…) SARAHK: Did you feel like he farted on stage and was trying to spread the smell around so it would be gone by the time Ryan got up there so Ryan wouldn’t say anything? SIMON: You looked a bit frustrated. The truth is, it’s not a bad song, just not the type of song you would normally sing. I think we have to judge you tonight on your first two songs, because there’s more than one song in the competition. SARAHK: Thennnn why have him sing the third? SIMON: But I’ve gotta say, I always said there was talent in Seattle, and I was right. (That’s a lie.)
Blake says he thinks it’s the first time Simon’s lied. RYAN: You did the best you could do with that song, it was hard for you, huh? BLAKE: Yeah. Yeah. RYAN: He’s biting his tongue. SARAHK: He’s being diplomatic. It’s nice of him. Except that, in a way, you can tell what he wants to say, so it would almost be more diplomatic for him to say, “Yeah, well, it’s not my comfortable genre, and I did what I could considering that it stretched my range as much as it did, and I’m sure the songwriters are interested to see Jordin’s take on it.” You don’t say you like it, etc.
Ryan says if you want to download the winning song, you can get that at americanidol.com. I provide a service by telling you this. Snicker.
02 Jordin is singing “This is My NOW.” I wish she would change the words. “This is my cow, and I am shoveling manu-re. As I look around, I can’t believe the hay she eats. Her rear’s gigantic. No wonder she can’t find a bull.. to make her complete… This is my cow.” Not bad for a one-minute parody at 3:30 a.m. I hate the dress Jordin is wearing. Love the earrings. Yeah, this is much better than Blake’s rendition. Money notes all over the end half of the song. I’m still wondering why the band keeps leaving Jordin exposed. Ugh, I can’t get over the grammar of this song. Oh! Choked up at the end when Jordin is trying not to cry so she can finish singing. The first half was a little pitchy and shaky, but the second half was much better. Jordin wins the night and the title. If she can get that vibrato under control, she’ll be a great Idol. RANDY: Blah blah blah AI is the best singing competitionever in the history of television, bar none, blah blah blah, I can’t feel my legs I’m so happy, that was fire! There’s a fire! SARAHK: Why have they shown Constantine 20 times tonight? Who cares about him? Is he paying them to do that? RANDY: You were the best singer tonight! SARAHK: Yes. Pauler, make me proud. It’s your last one of the season. Trip on Tulips. PAULA: Jordin, I said before and I don’t know what to say and you frickin’ make me proud and I look over to the left and I see your parents, and I see them singing along with you, and I see the joy on their faces, and you have a lot to be proud of, and you’re an angel. This is a great night for you. SIMON: Jordin, last week, I am going to be honest with you, I didn’t think you were good enough to make the finals. SARAHK: You thought it should be Melinda/Blank? Huh. Tripping on Tulips? SIMON: And I want to say to you publicly now, I was wrong. Because this is, in case we forget sometimes, a singing competition, and you just wiped the floor with Blake on that song. SARAHK: Definitely. Of course, she did sing it, that helped. Oh, stop crying, for crying out loud, Jordin. RANDY: Yo! Yo! Yo! SARAHK: Fetch him his yo yo, he’s lost it. Hey look! Kathy Griffin! And she’s nodding and all teary-eyed in the audience.
I give it to Jordin. Blake’s beatboxing “You Give Love a Bad Name” was outstanding, but his vocals on all three songs were not good. Just keeping it real, dawg. And look at him in all that argyle! What is going ON? Jordin came out and acted like she wants it. For one, she didn’t go shopping in her dad’s ’70s closet for her clothes. Her first song was a little messy, but the second and third were pretty good for a Finale Eve show. Remember, Finale Eve shows tend to suck. Remember Carrie and Bo were both pretty bad that night? Anyway, Jordin came out and sang her butt off, even if it got rough in spots. After the beatboxing was over, Blank didn’t seem to care much. And once he got to the 3rd song, I kinda felt like he’d been lying to me in the first two songs, because he sounded all hoarse and cracky in those, and then in song #3, suddenly he had a voice? Not that he used, but it was there. Weird night for him.
Back at the judges’ table… Ryan asks Randy something about Simon admitting he was wrong. Suddenly Paula trips on Tulips and shouts out to the stage (the cameras are pointing toward the audience, with all house lights up, mind you), “CHRIS! CHRIS! I LOVE YOU!” Ryan, Randy, and Simon just pretend that nothing is happening in Paula’s Crazy Town. Randy says Jordin wins. Paula says everybody is a winner, and I think Daughtry must be onstage about to perform, because Paula says she won’t commit, “And you know why? Because what you’re about to see onstage tells you the story why.” So I’m guessing she’s saying that even coming in 4th makes you a winner. Simon says the best individual performance of the night was Blake on the first song, but based on the overall night, Jordin. And Pauler says, “But we’re all winners!” And the judges all join in the chorus of “We’re all winners! We’re all winners! Winning is fun!” Why is that? And Pauler’s needling Ryan. “Why is that? Why is that? Why is that?” ‘Cause someone else is all losers, I guess.
That was the longest hour-long Finale Eve ever. What a beating.