Recently in Lewiston, Maine, a middle school student was suspended – and rightfully so – for the hate crime of placing a ham steak on a lunch table where Muslim Somali students were sitting. Sadly, instead of treating this grotesque offense with the seriousness it deserved, insensitive jerk Nicholas Plagman of Associated Content actually wrote a parody of the original news story, treating this serious subject with levity, as though it were merely a harmless prank instead of a repugnant assault on someone’s religious beliefs.
I am outraged.

 So I’m taking a cue from Toledo Blade columnist Dan Simpson, who wisely seized the opportunity of the Virginia Tech shootings to propose a sane and practical plan for forcibly disarming America’s dangerous gun nuts. I’ve come up with a sensible program for de-hamifying our swine-flesh-saturated country. After all, it’s not enough to complain about the problem. One must be part of the solution.
The first step, of course, is to admit that we, as a nation, have a problem. According to PeTA and other unimpeachable sources, ham and its associated hog-derived food items are directly responsible for over 200 million deaths in this country each year. Now, the government-controlled media craftily hides this fact by fudging the statistics, euphemistically blaming the deaths on “obesity” or “heart disease” or “falling into a rendering vat”, but this doesn’t chance the FACT that pigs are always the root cause. However, the MOST tragic consequence of America’s Hoggy Holocaust is that these ham-tastic delicacies are an unforgivable insult to our Muslim brethren, driving even the calmest of Allah-worshippers into an uncontrollable, ululating, American-murdering frenzy. The simple truth is that if it weren’t for all the ham in this country, 9/11 never would’ve happened.
Sadly, America’s unconscionable hatred-by-ham has done nothing but escalate since then. I’m always reading people suggesting (as a “joke”, of course) that our troops should dip their bullets in bacon grease before shooting terrorists in order to send them directly to Hell – do not pass Paradise, do not collect 72 virgins. I cannot begin to describe the depth of my disgust at statements like this. I don’t have a problem with filling someone so full of lead that you could use them as nuclear reactor shielding, but I draw the line at callously insulting someone’s religion!
So to save America from both cholesterol and terrorists, I say that the government needs to get serious about implementing a final solution to our porky problem. We could call it the “War on Ham” and model it after other successful government programs, such as the War on Poverty and the War on Drugs, both of which managed to completely eradicate their target problems within a few short years of being implemented.
Here’s how it would work (NOTE: for the sake of brevity, I’ll use the term “ham”, but it would also include bacon, pork rinds, chitlins, etc.):
First, pass a federal law making ham possession a felony punishable by a $1000 fine or a year on a tofu diet. People would then have a three-month amnesty to deposit their offending meat without penalty at a government collection center. The collected ham could then be safely disposed of by having the UN distribute it to the French, since no one cares if they get heart disease or blown up by terrorists.
Sure, the Washington lobbyists for Big Pig will start chucking lawyers at this left and right, but since most of them would be Jewish and sympathetic to our cause, this fight’ll be over in no time. Then, after our nation is safely sow-free, we can get to work on averting America’s next looming crisis by enforcing mandatory cow-worship before the Hindu Street rises up and destroys us all.
Harvey is a non-disabled Navy veteran accidentally hired to fill an affirmative action quota at IMAO.us. He is also the author of such books as “Soooo-Wee! Sow-free For Me!” and “Udders on the Altar: A Beginner’s Guide to Bovine Adulation”.