John Edwards announced today his next step in understanding poverty. Previously, he took time between runs at the presidency to work at a Hedge Fund.
“Asked if he had to join a hedge fund to learn about financial markets, Edwards replied, “How else would I have done it?” ”
That’s the type of man John Edwards is. The type of man who gets his hands dirty. That’s why his next step is to jump in and understand how difficult it is for young men of color to make a living.
Said Edwards, “When I went to work for Fortress Investment Group I was hoping to understand the roots of poverty. Unfortunately, the only thing I discovered is that nobody wanted to join me at lunch getting a haircut (something about it being the cost of a car note, whatever that is) and nobody in the next limo ever seemed to have any Grey Poupon. I blame the Bush economy and the Iraq war’s disastrous effects on our economy.”
John Edwards will be standing on street corners hawking his wares. If all goes well, he’ll not only make money, but make more valuable inroads into today’s celebrity community.

Above: A completely unretouched picture of John Edwards working his street corner.

I’m working on a version of the Mexi-Cannon that will rid us of lawyers. It will be twice as powerful and you aim it at the ground.

Well, folks, I’ve been busy dealing with preparations for the Grand Opening of Disneyland Gaza, but I think I’m at a point where I can let y’all know about it without ruining the big announcement.
Of course, our Western Values need to be toned down a bit for the rambunctious and peppy Arabic/Islamic Market, so the Big Mouse himself needed a little touching up.
You know, like Sesame Street characters need done in various global markets (NOTE TO SELF – Never share sewing needles when patching up the South African muppets).
Anyway, here’s that old mouse you know and love, improved for the kiddies of Gaza and shown on Al-Aqsa TV:

(Al-Aqsa Television, a wholly-owned property of the Hamas Terrorist Organization and Grill, is suffering the same fate of our own culture’s MTV… I remember when the Al in Al-Aqsa meant something, darn it!)
We’re a little concerned with the mis-translation there, because mice often live in holes in walls, so the use of the word “glory” there might send the wrong message.
The best part of this costume is – all we have to do to make a Gaza Minnie is to cover a spare Mickeyhammed Mouse suit in a big black burkah. Saves time, effort and money!
Of course, it’s not just a bunch of Israel’s Most Wanted, running around in big rubberhead costumes hiding in plain daylight, smuggling weapons in their suits. No, we’ve also got attractions that the whole family (well, the ones not martyred yet) can enjoy:

• Land-Pirates of the Mediterranean (boats full of Jews arriving from Europe post-Holocaust)
• Mission To Tel Aviv (Strap yourselves into a bomb belt and get ready for a wild taxi-ride to Tel Aviv… and ultimately, Paradise!)
• Haunted Bulldozed Mansion (with Holo-Martyr technology!)
• Cinderella’s Smuggling Tunnel (will the bomb-belt fit?)
• Hall of Palestinian Presidents (Yasser stands up, yells at Christiane Amanpour on his cell phone, and hands up petulantly)
• The It-Doesn’t-Matter-What-Agreements-We-Signhorn (Technology courtesy of Oslo)
• Mr. Roed-Larsen’s Wild Ride (Spin, spin, spin, spin your dizzying diplomatic gestures!)
• 20,000 Leagues Under The C-4

(There’s more, but I don’t want to ruin all the surprises)
We were going to build a Gaza Epcot, but the natives kept vandalizing the hydroponic farms and the only Western nation who wanted to build around the Cesspool Of Terror Facilitating Nations was Norway.
Oh, and we’re still trying to work the bugs out of the nightly fireworks shows. Seems that they keep raining down on Sderot and just barely missing the civilian population there.
I keep telling the engineers to fix that, and they keep threatening to kidnap me and hold me for ransom. Ha ha ha… they’re such tough negotiators here!
Anyway, watch the news, and get ready for an E Ticket to Paradise!

Let’s say you get to the voting booth on the primary day and find that you errantly registered yourself as a Democrat. Who should you vote for? Well, there seems to be three serious candidates… but one is John Edwards who, for all intents and purposes, is a little girl. Thus, let’s focus on Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama.
HILLARY VERSUS OBAMA
HONESTY
Hillary: Most likely has forgotten the truth on most things by now.
Obama: Has yet to been asked a question and thus given the opportunity to lie.
For all we know, Obama might be an honest person (that could even be a campaign slogan: “Obama: He might be honest!”). Then again, Carter was honest. Still, on this issue, it’s easily advantage Obama.
EXPERIENCE
Hillary: Co-ran a presidency. Served more than one full-term in the Senate for one of America’s most highly populated states.
Obama: Pushed a yes or no button when prompted for two years now.
This is a hard one. Hillary has experience, but it’s experience being a screechy, mommying fascist. Obama has no experience, so who knows how he’ll do if given any responsibility. So it comes down to the evil you know versus… smiley. I call this one a toss up.

He’ll smile our enemies away.

EVIL
Hillary: Pure evil. Babies cry when she’s near.
Obama: Goofy. He looks like the black version of Laurel from Laurel and Hardy. Babies laugh when they see him.
Not even Hillary’s supporters deny that Hillary is pure evil. Then again, maybe these times call for evil to be used against our enemies. Still, I have to side with not evil. Advantage Obama.
PAST
Hillary: Shady land and futures deals. Drank the blood of children.
Obama: Raised to kill Americans in Indonesia. Snorted blow off hookers.
The past is in the past, man, so I’d say let all this go. Still, Obama has more to give people pause. He could easily get rid of some nasty rumors simply by eating bacon at a campaign stop and exclaiming, “Man! I loves my bacon!” Right now, advantage Hillary.
NAME
Hillary: Maiden name kinda rhymes with “Saddam.”
Obama: Middle name is Saddam’s name. Last name easily confused for “Osama.”
Seems superficial, but it’s right to scrutinize every aspect of who may represent America. Thus, while we’re fighting the evil of Osama bin Laden, do we really want a leader people are going to keep accidentally calling “President Osama”? It’s like electing a “President Bitler” during WWII. Also, Obama’s first name always makes me think of the Mortal Kombat character who has a big smiley mouth full of sharp teeth and two larges blades that comes out his arms… and I never cared for that character. Then again, Hillary has the same last name as a known sex offender. Still, advantage Hillary.
PIONEERING
Hillary: A woman; we’ve never elected a woman president before… but do we really want to?
Obama: He’s black… but not “authentically” black (so some black people say to uncomprehending whites).
If you look at the pictures of presidents, it’s a bunch of angry white men. Maybe it’s time for the presidency to look more like America. So, what more important: racial or gender diversity? Well, if we go historically, blacks were given the vote before women, so they should get the presidency before women. Plus all races agree: Women are crazy and emotional. Advantage Obama.
WAR
Hillary: Most warmongering of the Democrat presidential candidates (i.e., doesn’t run crying from G.I. Joe action figures).
Obama: Says he would have voted against war because that was the popular answer when someone asked.
If any major conflict happens, I expect Obama to wet his pants as quickly as any other Democrat. Hillary will most likely lash out with a fiery, screechy vengeance. Advantage Hillary.

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To me, this is a hard choice. Hillary scares me, but maybe America needs a scary president right now. Then again, maybe harmless Obama would do less damage to America and could be bullied into action when needed. If you had to choose between the two, who would you pick?